Lesson #15,146-I Want a Job!!

Okay, so I have been a SAHM for over 13 years now.  It has been great and I love it but I think I want to start earning my own money.  What kind of jobs are out there for me?  I mean, I now have "Mommy Brain" so I can't remember anything.  My brain has turned to mush!!  I can't remember how to use Excel.  I can't type very fast anymore.  I can't work weekends.  Well, I can but I don't want to.  I can't work evenings either.  Well, I don't want to do that either.  I only want to work from about 10am to 2:00pm.  I take that back.  I need a nap sometimes so I'm gonna need to leave about 12:30.  Are there any jobs that I can work from about 10am to 12:30pm?  Oh and I am going to have to wear my yoga pants because they are very comfortable.  No makeup would be great and if I didn't have to fix my hair that would be a bonus as well!!

Let's see now.  What am I really good at nowadays? I am pretty good at driving carpool.  The kids only have like a tardy or 2 this year.  What else?  I'm great at Facebook and Instagram.  I am an ace at drinking wine and eating crackers and cheese.  I cook really well but I don't bake.  I only like to cook about twice a week so I am really good at making sandwiches.  I'm not great at decorating but I have fabulous boards on Pinterest.  I am great at Internet shopping.  I can win an eBay auction with 2 seconds remaining!! I can do laundry but I don't like putting it away.  I can rearrange a dishwasher so many times that I can get every cup in my cabinets in one load!!  I can clean a cat litter box in 30 seconds.  I can pack a backpack and fix peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with my eyes closed.  They are usually still closed at 6am!!  I give the best kisses and snuggles that my son has ever had!!

Okay, so maybe I should just keep my day job since nobody is hiring for anything that I am good at now.  Plus, I would probably forget to go to work because of my "Mommy Brain".  Being a Mom doesn't pay well but being a Great Mom is worth more than silver and gold.  Better stick with what I know I am good at!!

Lesson #15,099-$H!T I'm Doing Wrong Part Deux

Okay, so I am doing stuff wrong to be Super Mom.  Yesterday I talked about how my cabinets and linen closets are a mess.  My clothes closet does not look like it is supposed to either.  My shoes are not lined up in an orderly fashion.  I wear whatever shoes I can find 2 of.  If you see me in flip flops in the ice today, you will know that was the only pair of shoes that I could find the matching shoe to.  My shoes are strewn into the floor into a heap.  I really need one of those nice closets like one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has.  I would like to say that my purses are on display like they have but sadly my bags are just sitting on top of a small table, also in a heap.  Since I am a SAHM I should have them looking like a nice handbag store has them displayed.
(Not my craftiness!!)
Apparently SAHMs should also be crafty.  I have friends who do projects every week and make their homes look modern by taking old pieces of furniture and re-purposing them to look like something that would cost thousands of dollars.  One friend took an old dresser and painted it with some sort of metallic paint and made a beautiful buffet for the dining room.  If I tried that it would look like a horribly spray painted dresser that was put in the wrong room.
(Not my front door)
Some SAHMs decorate their homes for every holiday.  If you want to see decorations then you will have to come at Christmas because that's the only time I decorate.  These overachievers decorate for Valentine's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Thanksgiving and every other holiday.  Right now, my dining room table is decorated for Laundry Day!!  And by that I mean my folded laundry is on the dining table, ready to be put away.  I think I will keep it decorated until Saturday!!  Sorry, Family!!  If you want your clean underwear you can go to the dining room and get them off the table!!  (Hey, it's clean underwear!  Don't be afraid to eat at my table!!)
(Not my laundry room but in my dreams it is!)
My laundry room is not decorated beautifully.  It was the day we moved in.  It is painted a buttery color and has toile curtains.I had planned on painting something on one wall that said something witty in French but I decided to take a nap that day and every day since so it never got done!!  The sink in the laundry room is full of household items because like I have said before, I only handwash my "handwash only" sweaters once every 57 times that I wear them!!  (Don't judge.  You do it too, right?)
(Not my coat rack!)
My coat rack in the foyer will still have winter coats hanging from it in July.  So what?  Where would you like me to hang them?  Oh, that's right! I have 2 coat closets that I could use but they are full of crap too!!
(Not my dining room but I could totally do that!!!)
My neighbors told me that the people who built this house would often host dinner parties.  They would have someone come in and cook and serve the meal in the dining room.  They would close the butler door that leads into the kitchen and the servers would stay in the kitchen cooking the next course until they were ready to serve and then come out with desserts at the end of the meal.  Yeah.  They were very sad to see them move away because if you come over to my house now, you will have to serve yourself in the kitchen and go and sit in the dining room.  If you want dessert, you will have to get up and get it yourself!!  No wonder they still call this "The Harrison House"!!  They are hoping The Harrison's move back someday!!  Oh and that butler door...Yep, it stays open all of the time now!!  No butler, cook or server has been here since the 1990's!!
(Not me on laundry day!!)
SAHMs have so much free time that we are supposed to look a certain way too.  Trust me when I say that I do not vacuum with heels on.  I do not put on lipstick to clean the toilets.  You won't see me in a cocktail dress at the grocery store either.  If I am out of my pajamas and wearing clean yoga pants, then consider yourself LUCKY!!!

Lesson #-15,098-$H!T I've Been Doing Wrong!

Okay, so I've been reading and studying and learning about how to be a Super Mom.  Boy, have I been doing it wrong.  Apparently, SAHMs (Stay-at-home Moms) are supposed to have their crap together.  We are supposed to be organized.  We are supposed to have our pantries in order.  Our soup cans should be grouped together and coordinated and/or color coordinated. Cereals should be lined up properly with kids cereals poured into cereal containers with labels on them.  We are supposed to have baskets with fresh produce in them.  Cookies and snacks should be in bins.  Dry soups and mixes should be kept in Tupperware containers and labeled.  What???  You should see my pantry!!  Boy, am I doing it wrong!!  My pantry looks like a toddler "arranged" it.  Soup cans are on every shelf and not in any order.  The top shelf holds about 8 boxes of half eaten cereal.  Some of it probably dates back to the 1990's because I have good intentions to eat the healthy cereal but I end up eating Captain Crunch instead.
(Not my pantry)
Let's move on to the cabinets.  My pots and pans are not organized at all.  You risk you life when you open the coffee mug cabinet.  We have about 47 coffee mugs of all shapes and sizes.  They do not stack well when they are all different sizes and that stupid handle keeps the small ones from going inside the large ones!!  My cabinet holding my glasses is a freaking mess.  When you have a kid, you have tons of plastic cups from every restaurant in town.  You are not allowed to throw those away because of the "memories"!! (As my son says!!) They do go missing from time to time.
(Not my kitchen cabinets)
Apparently, SAHMs are supposed to cook a nice dinner every night.  One meat, one bread and a minimum of 2 vegetables.  VEGETABLES??  Is cheese a vegetable?  I sure hope so because that's about as close to a vegetable as we got last night!!  Sandwiches are on the menu tonight!!  Please, don't call DSS on me!!
(This is not me)
My refrigerator is littered with many packages of sandwich meat and cheeses.  I never eat sandwich meat so my husband checks their freshness before he eats a sandwich.  If I hear him gagging then I know it is time to replace the ham.  If I hear him throwing up, I know it is time to replace the bacon.  Did you know that rotten bacon still smells heavenly when it is cooking???  Well, it does.  Be sure to check the date BEFORE cooking.  Oh and if it is brown, it is probably going to make your husband throw up.  My husband is from Africa. They are supposed to have iron stomachs!!  Guess he has been here in America too long.  He has softened!!
(Not my fridge)
My linen closet doesn't look any better than the other cabinets in my house.  Why do I have so many sets of sheets?  I always just strip the bed, wash the sheets and put them back on the bed.  I guess I have several sheet sets for the beds just in case someone pees or vomits in the bed.  There really is no other reason to have more than one set of sheets.  If you have a child who pees or vomits a lot, you may want to keep a spare set.
 (Not my linen closet)
I've really got to get my $H!T together!! But then again...

Lesson #15,092-Wonder Woman/Me??

Have you ever thought that you might be Wonder Woman?  Maybe you are.  Maybe I am.  You cannot say that you have ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room so I am Wonder Woman.

So what?  Wonder Woman has that magic lasso.  Wonder Woman has that invisible jet.  Wonder Woman can kick your butt!  I may not have the magic lasso or the invisible jet but I can do 5 loads of laundry and you will never know anything about it.  The magic of laundry happens when you aren't here.  I can do dishes in no time.  You will see them piled up in the sink and *poof* they are gone.  What happened to the dishes?  They are done!!  I can make a bed in 2 minutes flat so you may not see me doing that either.  What is it?  Is it magic?  Yes!  Yes, that's what it is!!  It's magic!!

What do Stay-At-Home Moms do all day?  Well, we get everyone up.  Make sure that everyone has clean clothes to wear today.  We even get up before everyone else so we can be sure that the coffee pot is ready when the hubby wants his morning coffee.  We pack the backpacks of the little munchkins so that they don't leave their homework sitting on the coffee table in the living room. (Again.)  We do this so we don't have to make a second trip to the school.  We drive carpool.  Once the kids are in school we do that magic laundry trick, load the dishwasher and make beds.  We go to the grocery store and put dinner in the crock pot.  We run the errands that the husband has listed for us to do.  Go to the bank, drop off the car to be serviced, pay bills, clean up the cat puke off of the rug, we may go and get a workout done or we may go home and take a nap (don't judge).  We clean up the living room and playroom and take out the trash.  We fold the blanket that is on the couch.  I am positive that I fold that blanket at least 3 times a day!! We see the stains on the carpet and scrub them until our hands are raw. We pick up kids from carpool and take the neighbors home and start on homework.  Serve dinner and chill for a few minutes until bedtime. We usually are the first ones up and the last ones to go to bed.  Going to bed usually goes something like this:  "Goodnight, Honey, I am going to bed."  Then we look in the sink and see a few cups and dishes that need to be put in the dishwasher.  Then we remember that we had a load of towels in the dryer so we go and fold them and put them away.  We get out the PE clothes for the child to wear tomorrow and set out their uniform for school.  We go into the bathroom and find clothing on the floor and pick them up and put them in the clothes hamper (that is exactly 1 inch from the clothing on the floor).  We brush our teeth and wash our face.  We then remember that the bar of soap that is in the shower is too small to wash a human body with so we open a new one and replace it with the itty bitty chip of a bar of soap.  Then we remember that tomorrow is a friend's birthday so we go back downstairs and fill out a birthday card and pop it into the mailbox.  By then we are exhausted and we collapse.  (If we are lucky!!)  Then we wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Again, I am not saying that I am Wonder Woman but someone does all of the stuff around here that wouldn't get done if Wonder Woman didn't exist.  Oh and that whole kicking your butt thing that Wonder Woman does.  Well, let's just say that if you mess with our families, you can consider your butt kicked!!!