Lesson 15,150-Aging Parents

Okay, so I have entered a new chapter in my life.  It's the hard part of life that everyone will eventually face.  In our 40's, we have our own children and families to take care of, friends who are in need of support and the part of our lives where we have aging parents.  In the past couple of months, I have attended a few funerals of people who I never even knew but they were one of my friend's parents and I had to be there for my friends, while also taking care of my family and aging parent.  Some of us are blessed to still have parents that are in good health at 90-something and some of us have parents who are 60-something and in failing health. This is tough.  So, in between taking care of our families, we make time for our parents who are aging and make casseroles for friends who have lost a parent.  We drive our children to soccer practice and drop off a casserole.  We go to the grocery store and run an errand for a friend in need.  We go to the doctor because at 40+ our bodies are falling apart and we need mammograms and colonoscopies and start having blood pressure problems and then we go to our parents house and fill up their medicine boxes for the week.  We take our parents to the doctor and pick up kids from school.  Some days we don't even get our beds made because we have so many things to do.  Some of us work and still manage to find time to do all of these things and still make time to bake a cake for a friend.  It's almost humorous the things that we find time to do with everything going on.  We have to find humor in these crazy times in our lives.  Throw in a load of laundry, take a shower, put the clothes in the dryer, go pick up the kids, restart the dryer, help with homework, restart the dryer, cook dinner, restart the dryer, get the kids ready for bed, restart the dryer, take my nighttime meds, load the dishwasher and go to bed.  Wake up in the morning, restart the dryer, take the kids to school, restart the dryer, call you sick parent, finally fold the clothes in the dryer.

Some of us have elderly parents or elderly in-laws who live with us.  I have tried to get one of my friends to write a blog about her "Adventures With Mom" but she won't but boy does she have some good ones. You have to see her act out what her Mom does for it to be funny.  Her Mom is a hoot and she doesn't even realize it!! She is in her 80's so she lived through a lot of things in her life.  She has lived through lots of Presidents, wars, the Civil Rights era and Women's Lib.  She has probably washed clothes on a washing board and couldn't figure out how to use her daughter's high-tech washing machine.  She lived before TV's were in every room. She lived when there weren't phones in everyone's home and before cell phones.  She probably doesn't know how to turn on a computer.  She probably sat around a radio and listened to The Lone Ranger.  She probably listened to Frank Sinatra on a scratchy record player.  Her Mom has to be a tough to have lived this long but she is getting frail and needs supervision. Same thing with lots of our aging parents.

My Dad is in his early 70's and has health issues.  Everyone will tell you how sweet he is and how much they love him and he has tons of friends but if he needs something, he only wants his daughters there to take care of him.  Getting him to understand medical jargon is up to me.  Getting to understand his finances is up to my sister. He takes medicines which have side effects so he has to take another medicine for a side effect and then that medicine causes him to have another issue.  Tack on surgery to that and then there is another side effect and more medications to combat all of those side effects.  He gets dehydrated easily which effects his kidneys.  His kidney tests are high and he doesn't understand that because he has never had problems with his kidneys.  Then he takes a medication for diabetes and it has side effects on the kidneys. He has to take fluid pills and that has side effects on his kidneys.  His feet are swollen and he won't keep them propped up and argues with me when I try to explain that gravity is not his friend when he has fluid built up so he has to keep them elevated above his heart.  That just makes him angry to have to sit around with his feet propped up and sleep with his feet elevated.  Then he needs to eat more protein so he calls me every 2 hours to see if it is okay to eat something like peanut butter or bacon.  Salt isn't your friend when you have fluid overload but he likes bacon and he likes grits with salt so he's going do what he wants to do and then complains about the fluid!!!  "Well, Daddy, the swelling won't go down if you don't keep those feet up and lower your salt intake!!"  And at what age do you start counting your bowel movements every day?  "If you have one, Daddy, you're fine!!" If he has only one, he gets worried that he is constipated.  If he has three or more, he's worried that he has diarrhea.  So, I pray that he has 2 every day!!  I'm quite sure that I will do whatever I want to do when I am in my 70's!!  If I live to be 73, and I want bacon and my sodium level is high and I have fluid on my ankles, I am still going to eat bacon!!!  Then I am going to call my son and ask him why my feet are swelling!!

We have to find humor in our aging parents!!  We have to be there for our friends when a parent passes away.  Nothing meant more to me than looking over and seeing 2 rows of beautiful ladies at my stepmother's funeral.  (She was my Mom for 24 years. My Mom died in a car accident when I was 9-years old so Katherine was my mom for much longer than my real Mom.  Of course, I will always love my real Mom and Katherine because she treated me as her own.  She saw me graduate, get married and have my son. She wiped my tears when my heart got broken.  She gave me advice about life and she was always right!!!  Of course, I didn't think she was as smart as she really was until I was about 25-years old and then I realized that she wasn't stupid!!  She was right!!)  We have to be there for our family.  We drive kids hither and yon.  We help with impossible school projects.  We cheer for them at sporting events in the freezing cold and the scorching heat.  We have to keep the house and clothes clean, no matter how many times we restart the dryer.  We have to take care of our spouses.  We have to be there for our siblings. We have to be there for friends, family and loved ones.  We have to do things to better our community.  We have to make sure our children know that not everyone lives like they do.  There are people who have it way better and way worse.  That's Life!

This time of life is definitely the hardest. Being there for everyone is tough and sometimes a juggling act.  If you find time for a little exercise and a nap occasionally, don't be hard on yourself.  Take some time for you!!  I need a manicure and pedicure really bad so I am a little bit glad that it is winter because my toenails look horrid!!  My eyebrows look like a caveman and my wrinkles have not been Botoxed in quite some time!!  Sorry, I look like this but I've been taking care of  "My People"!!

Lesson #15,148-Summer Time!!

Okay, So, I cannot decide if summer is too long or too short.  Our school runs on a year-round schedule but it is not really "year-round".  They do get about 6-7 weeks in the summer.  That is not very long and we all wish it was longer!!  But then again, if I hear "I'm bored.", "Can somebody come over to spend the night?", "What time will so-in-so be here?", "Can we go bowling?", "Can we go to the record store?", "I don't want to get up", "I don't want to go to the pool, or play soccer outside or ride my bike or do my summer reading or anything else that you suggest"!!!!!  "I'm hungry" is another of my least favorite sentences to hear.  "Can we go to Bojangles?" and "Can you pick me up some Chick-fil-a?" makes me want to cringe.

We are so lame that we didn't eat hotdogs and hamburgers on the 4th of July!!  We ate leftovers from Olive Garden.  How lame is that??  What is wrong with us??  We made up for it today and ate hamburgers for dinner.  Had to do it!  So, Happy 5th of July, People!!  We celebrated Cinco de Julio!

We are heading to the beach in a few days for one more week there before school starts back!  UGH!!  Okay, So is summer too short or too long?  I suppose it is according to the day that you ask me!  I am not looking forward to getting up early again and helping with homework and soccer practices and projects and book reports and all of that again!!  Then again, I won't have to fix lunch and snacks 100 times a day!!  After the beach, all we will have to look forward to is fall break!!  That is my favorite part of the year round schedule! 
 
So, tell me how you all are keeping your children occupied this summer.  Especially if you have an "Only Child"?  We have had a lot of sleepovers!!  Borrowing other people's kids are the way to go when I have only one!  They are probably tired of entertaining their multiples!!  So, I am helping them out, really!!  Right??

Lesson #15,147-Summer Break!!!!!

Okay, so school gets out today, for summer, here in NC.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Super Excited about not having to get up at 6:00am for 7 weeks!  No homework for 7 weeks.  No packing lunches for 7 weeks.  No projects for 7 weeks.  No studying for 7 weeks.  No tests for 7 weeks.  That being said, there is also no going back to bed at 8:30am for 7 weeks.  No lunching with my friends for 7 weeks.  No peace and quiet from 8am-3pm!!  I will be hearing "Mom, I'm bored" about 5,000 times over the next 7 weeks.  I will have to stock up on snacks and lunch food.  There will be stinky teenage boys in my house at all times.  My floors will not be clean for 7 weeks.  There will be cookie crumbs and potato chip crumbs in my sofa cushions for the next 7 weeks.  That's okay though.  Sleeping past 8:00am is a treat for me.  Now I just need to find a quiet hairdryer so my husband doesn't wake me up when he is getting ready for work.  Maybe I can find some earplugs that really work!!  Maybe I can also find a shock collar that shocks my son every time he says "I'm bored"!!

I know that I love summertime and there are some great reasons to love summer break and believe me, I do!!  There are also some great reasons to hate summer break!  I am already dreading the "I'm bored, Mom" and "Mom, can I have a friend over?".  I'm dreading the crumbs and the smelly teenage boys.  I'm dreading the sticky floors and the elevated grocery bills.  However, the warm weather and sleeping for 2 more hours a day may soften the blow!!





I suppose there could be nothing worse than having a kid that has to go to summer school.  That must suck!!

Happy Summer Break, Everyone!!!

Lesson #15,146-I Want a Job!!

Okay, so I have been a SAHM for over 13 years now.  It has been great and I love it but I think I want to start earning my own money.  What kind of jobs are out there for me?  I mean, I now have "Mommy Brain" so I can't remember anything.  My brain has turned to mush!!  I can't remember how to use Excel.  I can't type very fast anymore.  I can't work weekends.  Well, I can but I don't want to.  I can't work evenings either.  Well, I don't want to do that either.  I only want to work from about 10am to 2:00pm.  I take that back.  I need a nap sometimes so I'm gonna need to leave about 12:30.  Are there any jobs that I can work from about 10am to 12:30pm?  Oh and I am going to have to wear my yoga pants because they are very comfortable.  No makeup would be great and if I didn't have to fix my hair that would be a bonus as well!!

Let's see now.  What am I really good at nowadays? I am pretty good at driving carpool.  The kids only have like a tardy or 2 this year.  What else?  I'm great at Facebook and Instagram.  I am an ace at drinking wine and eating crackers and cheese.  I cook really well but I don't bake.  I only like to cook about twice a week so I am really good at making sandwiches.  I'm not great at decorating but I have fabulous boards on Pinterest.  I am great at Internet shopping.  I can win an eBay auction with 2 seconds remaining!! I can do laundry but I don't like putting it away.  I can rearrange a dishwasher so many times that I can get every cup in my cabinets in one load!!  I can clean a cat litter box in 30 seconds.  I can pack a backpack and fix peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with my eyes closed.  They are usually still closed at 6am!!  I give the best kisses and snuggles that my son has ever had!!

Okay, so maybe I should just keep my day job since nobody is hiring for anything that I am good at now.  Plus, I would probably forget to go to work because of my "Mommy Brain".  Being a Mom doesn't pay well but being a Great Mom is worth more than silver and gold.  Better stick with what I know I am good at!!

Lesson #15,145-Happy Freaking Birthday To Me!!

Okay, So this sucks!  When you are turning 43 and not a child anymore, nobody really cares about your birthday.  It's not a milestone birthday like 10, 13, 16, 21, 30, 40, etc.  It's 43.  Whoop Dee Do!  Who cares, really?  I want a damn birthday party!! I want cotton candy!!  I want balloons and a petting zoo and birthday cake and birthday presents and I want everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to ME!!  Then I want to take a nap.  What am I, 3??  Seriously??  When did we stop getting to have birthday parties?  Would it be frowned upon if I threw myself a birthday party??  I think the older we get the better parties we should get.  Why not?  If nobody will throw you a birthday party, throw yourself one!!  I may be a Birthday Brat this year!!

If I have to buy my own gift, I will.  If I have to buy my own cake, I will.  If I have to have my party catered, I will.  If I have to decorate my own house, I will.  If I have to buy my own balloons, I will.  If I have to send out invitations to my own party, I will.  If I have to buy plates, cups and napkins, I will.  If I have to hire a damn clown, I WILL!!  I want a party!! I want a party!! I want a party!!  Go ahead and call me a Birthday Brat!!

Now what kind of party should I have??  Pool Party?  Roller Skating Party?  Dance Party?  Cookout?  Masquerade Party?  Pizza Party?  Beach Party?  Wine Party?  Ice Cream Party?  Movie Party?  Oh what the heck!! I may have them all in one!!  Just because I can!!  That is the best part about being an adult, we can have any kind of party that we want!!  So bring your beach ball, float, roller skates, dancing shoes, grilling mitts, mask, pizza, bottle of wine, ice cream scoop and your favorite DVD and come on over!!

Life is too short to wait on someone else to throw you a party.  Throw yourself one!!!

Lesson #15,144-IT'S MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND PEOPLE!!!!

Okay, so it is Mother's Day Weekend!!  YES, WEEKEND!!  Fathers only get Father's Day but Moms get the entire weekend!!  Yes, it is fair!!!  (Unless you are a single father.  Then you get an entire weekend too!!)

So, what do you think your loved ones will give you for Mother's Day?  I am sure that dads and children all over America will be scurrying all day today to find a card and the dads will "allow" the children to pick out a gift for Mom.  Then we get to open the gifts and pretend that the gifts are perfect!!  "Oh, sweetheart, I love this beautiful bunny sweater. I really, really do!"  (UGH)  I have the perfect solution!!  I think I will drag my husband to the mall for the "Perfect" gift for me!!  I will pretend that I want to go with them!!  Genius, right?  Actually, I am just making sure my gift this year doesn't come from CVS off the "As Seen On TV" aisle!!  Although, I do love that stuff, I just don't want to get any of it for Mother's Day.

So, here's to all of you Mothers out there!! I hope you all have a great weekend!! Maybe even get a nap in!!  Wouldn't that be a great weekend?


Happy Mother's Day!!!

Lesson #15,134-Boys or Girls? Which Is Easier?

Okay, so everyone has an opinion about which is the easier sex to raise.  Some say boys and some say girls.  The arguments that I hear don't always apply to every child so don't write me saying that I am wrong!!  Here is the argument for the girls.  Girls are calmer.  Girls are sweetly natured.  Girls are loving.  Girls are easier and more fun to dress. Girls are not mischievous.  Girls don't tear up their toys.  Girls are not rough on clothes.  Girls don't have to be tough.  Here's the argument against the girls.  Girls are sneaky. Girls can be so mean to each other.  Girls gossip.  Girls can get bad reputations with one mistake.  Girls hold grudges.  Girls are moody.  Girls are complex.  Girls have to have their hair done. Girls start drama.

Then there is the argument for the boys.  Boys love their moms.  Boys are loving.  Boys are what they are.  Boys don't get caught up in drama. Boys can have an argument with their buddy, punch each other in the eye and 5 minutes later they are playing basketball.  Boys are simple humans.  Boys don't have to have their hair done. Here is the argument against the boys.  Boys are rough and tumble.  Boys are moody when they are going through puberty.  Boys make messes.  Boys are more active than girls. Boys are rough on their clothes and shoes.  Boys have tempers. Boys are much less fun to dress.

Okay, so I only have a boy but I am a girl and I know people who have girls.  I love these little girls but I swear my son is easy!!  He is loving and sweet.  He doesn't tear up things.  He never wrote on the walls or acted like a bull in a china shop.  He has a pretty darn great attitude about life.  He has empathy for other people.  Maybe he is the exception to the rule.  I don't know??  One thing that I do know for sure is that I only have to worry about ONE PENIS.  If I had a girl, I would have to worry about ALL OF THEM!!!  That alone makes me thank God above that I have a boy!!  I love girls, don't get me wrong.  I am one, for Pete's sake!! When I was pregnant, I wanted a boy.  I cried tears of joy when they did my ultrasound and said that I was having a boy.  Most women probably want a girl. Not me.  That whole having to worry about more than one penis did me in!!

Lesson #15,130-What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (And other sayings that are BS!)

Okay, so we have all heard those inspirational sayings that go something like this:  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  What a load of crap!  If it almost kills you, it probably weakens you!!  If you are sad and weak, you start to feed your pain.  When you feed your pain, you gain weight.  So after your trauma, you cry, get depressed, eat too much chocolate and ice cream and gain a few pounds.  Then you feel worse about yourself and get even more depressed.  You get the picture, right?
(HUH??)

There is another saying that just pisses me off.  The one that goes like this.  No pain, no gain.  Actually, it is a pain to lose, not to gain!!  It is fun and delicious to gain.  It's a pain to have to diet, count calories and exercise.  So that saying is stupid too!!
(Yet another dumb quote!)

Another saying that drives me nuts is "It's never too late".  Well.  Yes it is.  Sometimes it is just way too late.  When someone is pale faced and has blue lips, it's too late!!  What about "Be the change you want to see in the world".  Well I can be as nice as I can but some people will always be jerks!  It seems to piss them off even worse if you are nicer to them.  Some rude people even roll their eyes and walk away when you are nice to them.  If you chase them down and are really, really nice to them, they call for security.  Geez, what is the problem??
(If you've been turned down 1,000 times your idea probably sucks)

"Success doesn't happen overnight".  Sometimes it does!!  Sometimes you win the lottery at night and by morning you are a millionaire!!  One day you can't pay your Visa bill and the next you can max that bad boy out and pay it off when you receive that giant check!!  "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted".  Well, sometimes it is.  Gave a homeless person a penny and he threw it back at me and it rolled into a grate that led to the sewer.  Totally wasted a perfectly good penny!!
(Oh shut up!!)

"Be strong.  You never know who you are inspiring".  If they are inspired by me then they are serious losers!  I mean really.  Who wants to be me?  Some days I don't even shower!  It takes me 2 days to fold a load of laundry.  If you want me to inspire you to workout, I can give you someone else's phone number.  I don't care if you workout or not.  As a matter of fact, if you could help me think of an excuse not to go today, that would be great!!
(What if nobody loves me?)

"Look on the bright side".  Well if I wanted to look on the damn bright side, I would not be bitching about the not-so-bright side.  Just go with it!  I want to have a damn pity party for 24 hours and then we can look at the bright side.  Okay??  "Let it be".  Let it be??  I want to go whip somebody's ass!!  You coming?
(No.)

"A goal without a plan is just a dream".  No shit but I really want to be the first 4'11" Rockette who has never taken tap dancing lessons before.  Shut up!!  It is MY goal!!  "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly".  Yeah, well, at least the butterfly could fly!!  That is my other goal.  My favorite inspirational quote is this one:  "Bad decisions make great stories"!!!  I have some great stories!!

Lesson #15,129-Crap I Wish I Wouldn't Have Done

Okay, so since having a child there have been many, many mistakes made.  I have done some crazy stuff.  Mostly because I was sleep deprived and didn't have one more ounce of strength to do one more thing for one more person that day.  There have been a few things that I have done that I am not proud of.  I have thrown a towel over peed on sheets before.  I have thrown a towel over vomited on sheets before.  YES, they were washed the next morning but I just didn't have the strength or energy to take them off of the bed and put them in the washer that night.  Of course, the kid was changed and wiped off with a wet wipe but the bedding wasn't of my concern at 3am!!  Don't you judge me!!

If you are like me, you have done your child's homework before.  The kid was taking hours to do 5 friggin' problems!!  He had almost pulled out every hair from his head.  He had shed 4,000 tears.  The kid just wasn't getting it!  We were on about hour 6 of homework and again I needed my sleep.  I took the pencil from him, sent him to bed and wrote in my most horrible handwriting the answers to the questions.  Don't you judge me!!

I have lied to this kid about so many things that I cannot even keep track of my lies.  I will not even start with the obvious, Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and The Easter Bunny.  There are the lies that have been told about what ingredients are in foods.  This kid has thought that squid was just chewy chicken.  Come to think of it, my son has eaten many dishes that he thought was chicken that turned out to be something completely different.  Only after he had eaten them was he informed about the pseudo chicken. Until you have an extremely picky eater, don't you judge me!!  Then there are lies about what we are going to do that day.  When my son was little, he was a bit of a frady cat.  He was always afraid to try new things.  I would tell him that we were going to go do something that he has tried before and then we would do something else.  He would usually cry and scream and hang on tight but ended up enjoying whatever we were really doing.  Until you have a child who is a frady cat, don't you judge me!!

The thing that I am least proud of as a parent is when my son was about to turn 10-years old, he would sneak into the bedroom and climb in bed with me.  Of course, he would wake me up!!  Have you ever known a 9-year old who could sneak anywhere??  Anyway, he had woken me up for about the 15th night in a row and I told him that "if his friends ever found out that he was still sleeping with his mommy that they would make fun of him". Oh.  My.  Gosh.  The poor child burst into tears and wouldn't speak to me for a day.  Oh, I felt so bad!!  It was true though.  He would probably still sneak into my room if I hadn't made him think of that. Don't you judge me!!  I needed my sleep!!!

Lesson #15,127-Teacher Work Day? Really??

Okay, so today is a "Teacher Work Day". Let's just call it what it really is, okay? It's a Mommy Work Day. The teachers get a day to get their crap done without the children there to bother them.  Now they are all at home bothering their moms. They will want to go somewhere, eat a few meals and snacks, go and pick up a friend and they will make messes.  They will eat sugary snacks and be wild!! Moms will not get anything done today.  So, I think this Saturday should be a Mommy Work Day.  Ya know? So we can get our crap done without the children here to bother us.  Can we send them to school?  Maybe have them meet at a community center?  How about the library?  Now don't call us at noon to come and get them because they are hungry.  Okay?

I see in my future, going to pick up breakfast. Then maybe a movie.  Then lunch.  Then maybe picking up a friend and going shopping.  I wonder how much money is spent on "Teacher Work Days" to entertain children when we could send them to school for free!!!  I see no shower or make up in my future today.  It will be like every other Saturday around my house.  Then I only have 4 weekdays to get my 5 days of work done in.  There will be no nap today and that sucks!!  Thanks a lot, stupid Teacher Work Day!!  Yes, I said it.  No nap!!  It was on my list of things to do today and now it won't get done because our educators need a day.  Good grief!!  Give me a break!!  No really, give me a break!!  Or just a nap.  A nap will do.




On the up side, we don't have to do the Monday After the Time Change dragging out of the bed thing. Maybe the Teacher's Work Day was a good idea after all!!

Lesson #15,124-What To Wear? What. To. Wear.

Okay, So Bon Jovi is tonight.  What does a 29-year old (Shut up!! I will always be 29!) mama wear to see Bon Jovi?  I mean, mom jeans are out, for sure.  (I wouldn't want Jon and Richie to see me in mom jeans.) Leather pants are definitely out.  (Again, I wouldn't want Jon or Richie or anyone else for that matter seeing me in leather pants.)  Sexy cut off shirts are out because nobody wants to see a muffin top hanging out the bottom of the cut off shirt and it would not be called a "sexy" cut off shirt.  Comfortable shoes are a must.  It's not like anyone will see my shoes anyway.  It will be dark in the arena.  Quite honestly, I think most of the women who are going tonight are having the same anxiety about what to wear!  We are "women of a certain age" who lived our glory days in the 80's and still love that hair band music.  To us, 80's rock is the best music that there will ever be.  We probably had hair that was large.  Bangs that made us 4 inches taller.  Wore tore up acid wash jeans and loved us some glitter eyeshadow.  Nowadays, the glitter eyeshadow only enhances the extra wrinkles on our eyelids so we steer clear of that!!  We also steer clear of the blue eyeliner and the iced pink lip gloss!
  
Okay, so back to what to wear.  I am thinking definitely flat boots, jeans and a white shirt with a sweater.  I am sure that I won't be the worst dressed or the best dressed and I am okay with that.  Really, it's not like I am gonna get to go backstage for an autograph session and if I did what would I do differently anyway?  I'm a SAHM!!  The only people who will see me are the people who sit nearby.  I have a confession to make.  I'm not really 29!! 

Okay, so let's go rock it out tonight!!  Did I mention that my 13-year old is gonna be my date tonight?  He is way cuter than Jon or Richie!!

Lesson #15,123-Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom

Okay, so we live in a 2 parent household.  Why am I the only one who gets summoned?  All I hear is "Mom, I'm hungry.  Mom, I am thirsty.  Mom, have you seen my shoes?  Mom, can you help me with my homework?  Mom, can you come here?  Mom, can my friend come over?  Mom, where is a pencil?  Mom, could you bring me a pencil?  Mom, I'm bored.  Mom, I need a blanket.  Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom."  Some days I feel like that Mom from The Family Guy.

I swear my child will walk right past his dad to ask me a question or he will ask his dad where I am so he can come and find me to ask me to do something for him.  Does this happen to other moms?  I have a feeling it does.  I mean, do our children think their dads are handicapped?  Disabled?  Or maybe unwilling to help?  I have a feeling that our children are afraid to ask their dads to help them.  Moms probably have more patience with children but why not just ask Dad for a pencil?  Seriously, I want to hear "Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad"!!

Anyway, tomorrow night I have a date with my son.  We are going to see Bon Jovi.  I will tell y'all all about it.  This will be his very first concert. I am sure I will hear the word "Mom" about 145 times that night!!  That's okay.  I will take it for one night!

Lesson #15,120-This Homework Thang

Okay, so this homework thang is really cutting into my watching TV and vegging out time.  I know that I have complained before about how much homework kids have nowadays but this studying for tests, writing papers and doing projects thing is seriously getting out of hand.  I had to miss The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills rerun last night because we had to put together a poster of The Muscular and Skeletal System.  These kids nowadays cannot get away with plagiarism like we could.  I copied word for word from the encyclopedias that we had from 1969 and got away with it when I was in middle school.  These kids today cannot get away with it because the teachers can scan their papers and have the computer check for plagiarism.  Poor kids!!  Poor parents!!!  What a pain in the butt that is!  The teachers at my school had to just guess if we had copied that crap from somewhere else!  If it didn't sound like something that you would write, they would just ask if you copied it out of a book.  We would all be like "Noooooo".

Sometimes I think computers are the greatest thing ever because you can type anything you want into the search engine and you will find tons of information on any subject.  That makes writing an essay, report or term paper very easy.  We used to actually go to the library and find books on a subject, if there was one!!  Now, you can sit in your underwear, in your living room and pull up information on The Cold War, The Great Wall of China or The Branches of Government.  You just better not plagiarize any of it because they have that same computer to check for that!!

I suppose it is a good thing that we don't have to have all of those Encyclopedia Brittanica A-Z's in our living rooms now.  They used to be decoration in our house but now I have leather bound, antique books as decoration.  Some of which are not even written in English but I just thought they were "pretty"!!  I'm such a loser!!  Anyway, life may be easier now but back when I was a kid I could just copy that old information and cut pictures right out of the same encyclopedias to get an A+ on my projects!!  So kiddos, Y'all better get to work on your projects!!  Be sure not to copy ANYTHING word for word!! Hahahaha!!  We may not have had the Internet, cable TV and Xbox but we also didn't have plagiarism software!!!! Who had the better childhood?  BOOM!!

Lesson #15,118-Undercover Boss At My House?

Okay, so last night I was watching the TV show "Undercover Boss".  If you've never seen it before, it is about the big boss of a company going into the trenches of his business, undercover and seeing how the little people really do their jobs.  Actually, this show is genius.  I think if you own a restaurant chain, you should know what goes on your sandwiches or if you run a hotel, you should know if the front desk software is too slow.  So I started thinking about it.  What if someone came in, undercover, and watched me do my job?  What would they say to me when they called me into the office?  I'm pretty sure the CEO would fire me.  Apparently, it is frowned upon to wear pajamas all day.  It is frowned upon to take a nap on the job.  It is frowned upon to take personal phone calls on the job.  It is frowned upon to check Facebook every 30 minutes.  It is frowned upon to talk back to the boss!  It is also frowned upon to sleep with the boss!!!!!  Since I am a stay-at-home Mom, I sleep with the boss!
 
I probably take too many breaks.  I probably take a longer lunch than I should.  I am easily sidetracked.  I'm kind of like the dog who sees the squirrel when I am supposed to be doing something else.  Remember the commercials on TV that said "This is your brain.  This is your brain on drugs.  Any questions?"  Well, This is your brain on ADD.  "Hmm.  I think I will load the dishwasher. Oh but there are still dishes in the washer.  Ugh the sink needs cleaning.  The dish towels need washing.  Well, if I am going to wash the dish towels I may as well wash the bath towels too.  The sheets need washing today.  Eww.  Look at the floor in the kitchen.  Wow, the dining room table is dusty!!  The cat needs to go out.  Oh look!!  There is a cobweb in the corner. I think I will just take a nap instead.  Oh but I need to check Facebook before I take my nap."  True story!!

The BOSS would not be happy!!!  I would get called into the office and given my walking papers.  I would not be one of those employees who were given a promotion.  I would not be given money or a vacation.  I would not be told what a special employee I am.  Well, maybe Abbey would think I am special because I am the only one who can keep up with her rigorous nap schedule.  Abbey is my cat.  She sleeps 18 hours a day, like humans should!!