Lesson #15,142-If Only These Things Were True!

Okay, so I hear these things all the time and I am really wishing that they were true.  "If you lick the icing off the cupcake, it becomes a muffin.  Muffins are healthy, right?"  I really, really wish this was true because I do love cupcakes!! And muffins.  Just not those whole grain mini muffins with raisins in them.

"The calories go into the doughnut hole".  So, you can eat as many as you want, right?  I mean, it makes sense to me that the calories are flushed right through the doughnut hole!!  Just don't eat the holes!!  I can do that!!  Okay, so it's not true.

What about "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas"?  Not true.  Your friends will tell everyone what you did and will laugh at you forever!

"It's so easy.  I took these diet pills and lost 120 pounds in 6 months."  Lies!!  I took them for one day and thought I had bugs crawling under my skin!  If you can stand the bugs for 6 months, then you probably can lose 120 pounds!!

Don't even get me started on the happy girls wearing tampons!  I'm not that happy when I am not bleeding like a stuck pig!  I sure as heck ain't happy when I am!!  Stop showing women jumping around, dancing, playing tennis, riding horses or swimming!!  We don't do these things when we are doubled over with cramps!

Just once, I would like to get a burger at a burger joint that looks like the ones in the ads!  Just once, I would like to get the rental car that I thought I was getting from the rental car company.  I thought I was getting a convertible Corvette but in reality I got a Kia minivan!!  Just once, I would like an ice cream cake that I didn't have to take a hack saw to!  Who the heck can cut through these things?  My Frosty at Wendy's never has that cute little swirl on top.  What's up with that?  When I order a cute dress from a catalog, why does it never look as good on me as it does that 5'11", 105 pound model?  Just once!!!  Oh and my weight on my driver's license.  Yeah.  That ship sailed when I was 20 years old!!  Just hope they are able to identify me after the added pounds and hair dye. Oh and the 2 inches taller that I told them I was.  Shut up!! You know that you lie too!!  Why do they even ask?

If only these things were true!!

Lesson #15,129-Crap I Wish I Wouldn't Have Done

Okay, so since having a child there have been many, many mistakes made.  I have done some crazy stuff.  Mostly because I was sleep deprived and didn't have one more ounce of strength to do one more thing for one more person that day.  There have been a few things that I have done that I am not proud of.  I have thrown a towel over peed on sheets before.  I have thrown a towel over vomited on sheets before.  YES, they were washed the next morning but I just didn't have the strength or energy to take them off of the bed and put them in the washer that night.  Of course, the kid was changed and wiped off with a wet wipe but the bedding wasn't of my concern at 3am!!  Don't you judge me!!

If you are like me, you have done your child's homework before.  The kid was taking hours to do 5 friggin' problems!!  He had almost pulled out every hair from his head.  He had shed 4,000 tears.  The kid just wasn't getting it!  We were on about hour 6 of homework and again I needed my sleep.  I took the pencil from him, sent him to bed and wrote in my most horrible handwriting the answers to the questions.  Don't you judge me!!

I have lied to this kid about so many things that I cannot even keep track of my lies.  I will not even start with the obvious, Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and The Easter Bunny.  There are the lies that have been told about what ingredients are in foods.  This kid has thought that squid was just chewy chicken.  Come to think of it, my son has eaten many dishes that he thought was chicken that turned out to be something completely different.  Only after he had eaten them was he informed about the pseudo chicken. Until you have an extremely picky eater, don't you judge me!!  Then there are lies about what we are going to do that day.  When my son was little, he was a bit of a frady cat.  He was always afraid to try new things.  I would tell him that we were going to go do something that he has tried before and then we would do something else.  He would usually cry and scream and hang on tight but ended up enjoying whatever we were really doing.  Until you have a child who is a frady cat, don't you judge me!!

The thing that I am least proud of as a parent is when my son was about to turn 10-years old, he would sneak into the bedroom and climb in bed with me.  Of course, he would wake me up!!  Have you ever known a 9-year old who could sneak anywhere??  Anyway, he had woken me up for about the 15th night in a row and I told him that "if his friends ever found out that he was still sleeping with his mommy that they would make fun of him". Oh.  My.  Gosh.  The poor child burst into tears and wouldn't speak to me for a day.  Oh, I felt so bad!!  It was true though.  He would probably still sneak into my room if I hadn't made him think of that. Don't you judge me!!  I needed my sleep!!!

Lesson #15,075-Children Are Thieves

Okay, so our children are thieves.  Anyone who is a parent know that they steal from you.  The first thing they steal from you when they are tiny babies is sleep.  Mama and Daddy are laying in their beds, sleeping soundly.  We have made sure to feed the baby and get him to sleep.  We turned off all of the lights and locked all of the doors.  We have put the cat out for the night and set the alarm clock for the morning.  So, why are you waking us up in the middle of the night?  Anything that small cannot be hungry every 2 hours.  They are thieves stealing our sleep!! I can forgive this one because I tried explaining to him, at one week old, that it was inappropriate for him to keep me up all night but apparently one week old babies don't comprehend what we are saying. 

Then they get a little older and you cannot have a cup of anything to yourself.  If you have a cup, a juice box, a mug or stein of anything to drink, they are going to have some.  Hide your shot glasses because they will think it is just a small drink, all for them!!  Honestly, my son is 13 and I cannot have a can of soda to myself without him putting his big ole lips all over it.  I swear, you just have to take 6 steps to the kitchen and get your own can of soda. We don't live in a 20,000 square ft. house!!  There is even a small refrigerator upstairs with your drinks in them!!! Ummm. Hello!!

Then they get a little older and they steal your money.  Literally.  If you leave money on the counter, dresser, desk, or even in your pocketbook it will get taken!!  I know this because my child does not have a job. He isn't selling his stuff on eBay or our local online yard sale and the kid has more money in his pocket than I have in mine. I just did laundry and found about $3 in his pockets!!  He not only steals from me but also his father.  Then every Saturday he will bring his change that he has collected around the house all week to his dad and gets dollar bills for it.  This kid is running a scam on us!!

The worst offense is not money, drink or sleep but my stash of candy!!  Okay, so let me explain it to you.  You have free reign of all of the candy in the kitchen, the pantry, the living room bowl or your daddy's bowl.  You do not have an all access pass to anything in the bottom drawer of my nightstand, hidden under the newspaper.  Got it??  That is my stash of good chocolate and if you are younger than 42 and male then you are not to even look at my stash!!  Those are Mommy Chocolates!!

Honestly, children will steal anything.  You walk off from your sandwich, you better take it with you.  You want to see your iPhone ever again, better take it with you.  You want to finish that bag of chips, better take them with you.  Want to take a nap on the couch with your child?  You had definitely better get 2 blankets because they will steal the entire blanket for themselves.  If you want to keep your sanity, forget it.  It's gone as soon as that baby is born.

There are numerous other items that are stolen from us.  Ya know, like the TV remote.  They steal this and change the TV to SpongeBob and then hide the remote so you cannot change the TV or turn the volume down.  They know full well that I cannot find the buttons on the side of the TV to change the channel or volume so they do this on purpose!!  They also steal your seat every time you get up!!  My laptop is always MIA.  My son has the best laptop in the house because his is the newest and because he kept stealing ours but for some reason he still uses mine.  I am missing the "up" key and the "Caps Lock" sticks but he still likes mine better.  What the heck??  Little thief!!

I guess this is all okay.  As long as he keeps stealing kisses from his mom then he can steal everything in this house!!  And yes, even my chocolate that is stashed in the bottom drawer of my nightstand and hidden under the newspaper.  Rob me blind, dahling but keep the kisses coming!!  He also STOLE my heart when I first laid eyes on him!!

Lesson #15,069-Lies We Tell Our Children

You know you've done it. I have.  I will admit it.  Here's a few:
The Tooth Fairy
Santa Claus
The Easter Bunny
ELF ON A SHELF!!!! (Only Overachievers do this one!)
"I wish we could go to McDonald's for dinner but it is closed today."
"Yes, of course, I can tell what your picture is. I just want you to explain it to me."
"The dog went to live on a farm in Montana."
"If you cross your eyes, they will stick like that."
"Drinking soda will stunt your growth."
"Don't sit so close to the TV, you will ruin your eyesight."
"No, no!! Don't do that!!! You will go blind!!!"(I haven't had to say that one yet but I will be telling that one!)
"Stop screaming or I will put your ass out on the side of this highway!" (Oh heck no. I would never do that!)
"You can be anything that you want to be, darling." (Lies! You are a C+ student. You're not gonna be a rocket scientist.)
"I love this macaroni necklace. I will wear it every day!"
"Oh no! The macaroni necklace broke!!"
"No, honey, it cannot be fixed."
"Oh darn!"
"No, Love. Mommy and Daddy were not naked in the hot tub. It just looked that way from your bedroom window."
"Of course, we only did that once." (Or however many children you may have. 2-18, just in case Michelle Duggar reads this blog. Hi Michelle!!!)
"If you don't want to brush your teeth, you don't have to.  I will just let your teeth fall out." (Okay, I just spent $5,000 on braces so you WILL brush those teeth!!)
"Don't swallow your gum or your guts will stick together."
"Don't swallow your fingernails or they will grow out of your stomach."
"Don't swallow your watermelon seeds or they will grow a watermelon in your stomach."
Pretty much "Don't swallow anything..."
"Of course, I never smoked."
"Of course, I never drank alcohol."
"Of course, I never smoked pot."
"Of course, I never (insert your lie here)."
"The shot is not going to hurt."
"The finger prick is not going to hurt."
"Uncle Sam is into ballet, sings show tunes and wears eyeliner because he is eccentric." (Well. He's that too.)
"That was the dog that farted."
"Grandpa  WAS away at college for 20 years." (Leavenworth College. Okay, maybe Leavenworth Prison.)
These are just a few.  Little white lies.  Teeny Tiny lies.  Now go and take a nap or I will call Santa!!!!