Lesson #15,147-Summer Break!!!!!

Okay, so school gets out today, for summer, here in NC.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Super Excited about not having to get up at 6:00am for 7 weeks!  No homework for 7 weeks.  No packing lunches for 7 weeks.  No projects for 7 weeks.  No studying for 7 weeks.  No tests for 7 weeks.  That being said, there is also no going back to bed at 8:30am for 7 weeks.  No lunching with my friends for 7 weeks.  No peace and quiet from 8am-3pm!!  I will be hearing "Mom, I'm bored" about 5,000 times over the next 7 weeks.  I will have to stock up on snacks and lunch food.  There will be stinky teenage boys in my house at all times.  My floors will not be clean for 7 weeks.  There will be cookie crumbs and potato chip crumbs in my sofa cushions for the next 7 weeks.  That's okay though.  Sleeping past 8:00am is a treat for me.  Now I just need to find a quiet hairdryer so my husband doesn't wake me up when he is getting ready for work.  Maybe I can find some earplugs that really work!!  Maybe I can also find a shock collar that shocks my son every time he says "I'm bored"!!

I know that I love summertime and there are some great reasons to love summer break and believe me, I do!!  There are also some great reasons to hate summer break!  I am already dreading the "I'm bored, Mom" and "Mom, can I have a friend over?".  I'm dreading the crumbs and the smelly teenage boys.  I'm dreading the sticky floors and the elevated grocery bills.  However, the warm weather and sleeping for 2 more hours a day may soften the blow!!





I suppose there could be nothing worse than having a kid that has to go to summer school.  That must suck!!

Happy Summer Break, Everyone!!!

Lesson #15,140-Types of Parents

Okay, so there are 101 types of parents out there but I'm gonna tell you about my favorites.

Helicopter Parents:  Helicopter parents are those who hover over their children.  They want to know everything that is going on in their children's lives.  They want to be a part of everything in their children's lives.  They want to fight their children's battles.  They want their child to be number one at everything.  These parents are really not doing their child any favors.  If we are a part of everything that our children do then they never learn how to cope with situations without our help.  Life doesn't work that way!!  Do I want to go and smack some kid that is mean to my child?  Sure, but I have to let my child learn to take care of himself.

Absentee Parents:  These are parents who think they are doing their children a favor by not being there for them when they do need them.  Sure, they may turn out to be independent adults but they need us for guidance and love while they are children.  Our children do need to be children and need to be able to have open dialogue with us when it comes to some subjects.  If you aren't talking to your child about sex, someone else is.  If you aren't giving your child love and affection, someone else will.  It may be from someone who doesn't care one bit about them either!!  The backseat of some guy's car isn't the place for love to be given.

"My Child is Perfect" Parents:  These are the parents who can "one up" your child's A+, your child's hole in one, your child's 3 point shot, your child's awesome soccer goal, your child's national championship wrestling medal, your child's triple back tuck!!  We all know them.  These parent's have the most perfect children that ever lived.  They make the best grades.  They are the best in sports. They are the most well behaved children.  They are the best looking or most beautiful children that were ever born.  I mean, we all think our child is the best looking and most beautiful children that we have ever seen but that's because they are ours!!  We just don't say it out loud!!!  These parents do!! UGH!! These are the most annoying parents EVER!!

"My Kid is The Worst" Parents:  These are the parents who never have anything positive to say about their children even when they are awesome kids!  Most kids have at least one redeeming quality but to these parents, it's never enough.  "So what if you scored 25 points in the basketball game?  You should have scored 30."  I think these are the most damaging parents.  I know what they are trying to do and that is living vicariously through their children but never telling your child that you are proud of them is damaging.

Angry Parents:  These parents are the ones who stir up more drama than a middle school girl could ever start!  Nothing is ever right with their children's teachers, their friends, their school, their dance instructor, their soccer coach and on and on and on.  These parents just need some Xanax!!  I can't even talk to these people!

Cool Parents:  These are the parents who want to be their children's best friend.  They let their kids talk any ole way to them.  They let their kids do anything they want to do.  The kids tell the parents what they are going to do instead of the other way around.  That is the tail wagging the dog!! I tell my son, all the time, that he has plenty of friends but only 2 parents.  I don't want to be his friend.  I want to be his mom!! That is a hard enough job!  He isn't going to tell me what to do, where we will go and how we should do things.  I drive this bus, Bubby, not you!  Don't get me wrong, I will talk to my son about anything that he wants to talk about but I am going to give him advice from a parent's perspective, not his friends.  No, he will not be allowed to drink in my home.  No, I won't be buying him cigarettes.  No, he will not be having girls up in his room.  When he goes away to college, I can't watch what he does but while he is in my home he will respect my rules.

Over-Protective Parent:  These are the parents that never let their child out of their sight except for school.  They won't let their children go to other people's houses EVER!  They won't let their child ride their bike down the street.  They won't let their children do anything.  This, to me, tells their child that they don't trust them at all and never will.  Kids have to have boundaries, I understand that, but we have to give them a little breathing room and a little privacy.

Okay, so what's a happy medium?  Every child is different.  We all have different parenting styles and philosophies.  I think we just need to give our children love, affection, attention, teach them right from wrong and be good examples for them as adults.  We weren't perfect when we were children so why expect our children to be? (Except for y'all "My Child is Perfect Parents". Y'all already have perfect kids!)  They will make mistakes and bad grades and fail to make a team and not score 30 points but we have to love them and guide them to do their best.  My son studied for a test, not too long ago, and failed the test.  He was afraid to tell me what grade he got.  When he finally told me, I asked if that was the test that he had studied for and he said it was so I told him that if that was the best he could do then that was the best he could do.  I told him that he needed to work harder for the next test and pull up his grade.  He got the highest grade in the class on the next test because he had to work harder and pull up his grade.  I am, by far, not perfect so why expect him to be?  Parenting is a hard job.  Do your best to raise good adults!

Lesson #15,137-Is Target The Happiest Place On Earth?

Okay, so as a Mom I've seen a lot of stuff.  I've seen real stuff.  I've seen gross stuff and I have seen great stuff.  I have seen happy stuff and I have seen sad stuff.  I have decided that Target really is the happiest place on earth.  Some people say that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth but I don't think that's true.  I saw kids crying and screaming, red-faced and having full on meltdowns at Disneyland.  Clearly, they were coming off sugar rushes and were in desperate need of a nap.  But when you can see the kids back teeth and tonsils, that is a full on tantrum!!!

Some people think that the beach is the happiest place on earth.  Again, not if you're a kid!!  Most of the time kids have sand in every "crack" of their bodies, up their noses and in their eyes.  Then there is sunburn.  The first day at the beach a kid walks away critically injured.  Second degree sunburn on the first day of a week trip to the beach makes for a long week not only for the kid but also for mom!  The sand rash that happens when you play in the sandy, salty water makes for painful urination and bathing for the rest of the week too.  So, the first day of being on the beach may be happy but not the second through sixth day.

I happen to think that the happiest place on earth is, in fact, Target.  I have never seen anyone crying in Target unless they were leaving!!  And those were housewives.  Children walk out happy with their new crap!  Even the 3-year old kids are walking out saying, "I can't wait to wear my new sandals to preschool tomorrow and show that bitch, Emily Margaret.  Imma strut up to her and slap my foot on the ground like a BOSS!!"  Umm Hmm.  Mamas walk out with our new body soap and all kinds of cool stuff from the dollar bins at the door. (Ya know?  Those dollar bins used to all be $1 when they first showed up at the front door but now some have $3 on them but I don't care.  I'm getting that $3 aluminum bucket and gardening gloves and a pack of sports ball erasers and some stars-n-stripes plastic cups!!  Yes, I needed all that crap! And, yes, I know that I only came in here for bandaids.  Who the heck can go in Target for one thing?  I mean, you walk right past the dollar bins for goodness sake!!  You know you NEED those cool cookie cutters!!  One of them has a seal balancing a ball on his nose!!  A SEAL!!! So anyway, I went in for bandaids and came out with a cart full of stuff and $200 poorer.  Still a great day though!! I WENT TO TARGET!!!

Don't you agree that Target is the happiest place on earth?  Well, it is!!

Leson #15,136-Spring Break 2013!!!! Wooooo! Hooooo!

Okay, so Spring Break 2013 is but a memory now. And just like every other "break" that the school offers, it was not a "break" for any Mama that I know!!  It was nice to sleep until 8am but trying to entertain children when they are out of school for one week is not easy.  They want to go and do this and that.  They want to eat every 30 minutes.  They want to play ping pong, use the big TV in the living room, get on the computer or go outside whenever they want to.  This means that Mama is gonna have to get off of her usual schedule.  If Mama watches Jerry Springer at 11am and the kid wants to watch SpongeBob, the kid will win this battle.  If the Mama usually blogs at noon and the kid wants the laptop and a PB&J, the kid will win this battle also.  If Mama usually naps at 2pm and the kid wants to play ping pong, the kid will win this battle!! 

Okay, so our Spring Break consisted of driving 6 hours to the Georgia mountains.  Did you know that there were mountains in Georgia?  Well, there are mountains there!!  Cute little mountain towns with cute little stores everywhere. And, of course, those few strange mountain people who you are sure are in the Witness Protection Program or that they escaped from the crazy farm.  Yep.  They were there too. Problem is...the boys we were there with have no volume button and have no filter and just cannot resist saying whatever comes to mind.  Yes.  We were stared at but who cares??  We were Moms on Spring Break with boys!!! We didn't care who saw us, what they heard, when they saw us or how loud they were.

Thank goodness that we had alcohol in the fridge every night!!  Frozen margaritas were on the menu daily!!  A break just isn't ever going to be a break for Mamas.  I see that now!!  So, Mamas, Get ready for summer break!! It's a comin'!!

Lesson #15,132-Are Children Happier Than Adults?

Okay, so I have been thinking about why children seem so happy.  For the most part, they are happy people.  I mean they get angry, sad and scared just like adults do but they seem to get over negative emotions more quickly than adults do.

Could it be because children get to play with toys?  I mean toys are very distracting.  Even a very mad baby will sometimes stop crying when they hear a rattling toy.  Maybe adults need distractions to keep us happy.  You thought I was going to say adults need toys, didn't you?  Actually, some adults do have toys!! (Not those toys!)  I mean motorcycles!!  4-wheelers!!  Golf clubs!!  I am positive that I have never seen an adult crying on a motorcycle, 4-wheeler or with a golf club in their hand.  Maybe we all need to find a toy that makes us happy!

Could it be because children aren't jaded by life.  When children are small, they don't care what color a playmate is.  They don't care if the child is chubby or skinny, short or tall, rich or poor.  Anyone who will play is just fine with them.  They don't care if they are dirty.  They don't care if they have clean clothes on.  They don't know if they are wearing designer clothing. They hold no prejudices.  They don't know about social status.  Adults could learn a thing or two from this.

Could it be because they have short attention spans?  They can be crying and angry and a few minutes later they are laughing and seem to have not a care in the world.  If we all could forget our troubles as quickly as children do, we would be happier people.  Maybe it is because children take naps!! Everyone should take occasional naps!!

Could it be because children like colorful things?  If you look around my house, you will see a lot of drab colors that we call "neutrals".  If you look at my clothing, you will see a lot of black and gray.  I have a spot of orange, green and blue here and there but mostly drab colors.  If you look at my sons closet, there are very colorful shirts in his stack.  Green, orange, blue, yellow, red, lots and lots of red!!  Maybe I should wear more colors!!  Also his bedroom and playroom has colorful items on the walls.  Maybe I should hang colorful items on the walls all over the house.  Then maybe we would all be happier people.

Could it be the obvious?  Children don't worry about money.  Mom and/or Dad pays the bills.  If the power is turned off, they don't care.  They love playing with flashlights! If the rent isn't paid, they get to move into a new room.  They get excited about that!!  If someone else would pay our bills, maybe we would be happier.  Okay, yes, we would be happier people.

Let's all agree to find a toy to play with, not be so judgmental, forget about our troubles, be more colorful and find someone to pay our bills!!  Okay, maybe we have to pay our own bills but maybe we should take the other lessons from children and relax and enjoy life and we will find more happiness.

Lesson #15,127-Teacher Work Day? Really??

Okay, so today is a "Teacher Work Day". Let's just call it what it really is, okay? It's a Mommy Work Day. The teachers get a day to get their crap done without the children there to bother them.  Now they are all at home bothering their moms. They will want to go somewhere, eat a few meals and snacks, go and pick up a friend and they will make messes.  They will eat sugary snacks and be wild!! Moms will not get anything done today.  So, I think this Saturday should be a Mommy Work Day.  Ya know? So we can get our crap done without the children here to bother us.  Can we send them to school?  Maybe have them meet at a community center?  How about the library?  Now don't call us at noon to come and get them because they are hungry.  Okay?

I see in my future, going to pick up breakfast. Then maybe a movie.  Then lunch.  Then maybe picking up a friend and going shopping.  I wonder how much money is spent on "Teacher Work Days" to entertain children when we could send them to school for free!!!  I see no shower or make up in my future today.  It will be like every other Saturday around my house.  Then I only have 4 weekdays to get my 5 days of work done in.  There will be no nap today and that sucks!!  Thanks a lot, stupid Teacher Work Day!!  Yes, I said it.  No nap!!  It was on my list of things to do today and now it won't get done because our educators need a day.  Good grief!!  Give me a break!!  No really, give me a break!!  Or just a nap.  A nap will do.




On the up side, we don't have to do the Monday After the Time Change dragging out of the bed thing. Maybe the Teacher's Work Day was a good idea after all!!

Lesson #15,122-When I Was A Kid...

Okay, so we all think that we either had it easier or much worse than our children do.  I say it all of the time. "When I was a kid, we only had cartoons from 6am to noon on Saturday morning."  "When I was a kid, we used to play outside all day long."  "When I was a kid, we didn't have video games."  "When I was a kid, our parents used to spank us."  "When I was a kid, our principal could paddle us."  "When I was a kid, I didn't have a TV in my room."  "When I was a kid, we didn't have cable TV."  "When I was a kid, if you wanted to hear a song you had to call the radio station and request the song."  Lucky for me that my dad owned the radio station so the DJ knew that they had to play the song next or Daddy would not be happy!!  Other kids had to wait their turn.  Then we had to record the song on a cassette tape.  You just hoped that the DJ didn't talk through the beginning of the song or cut off the end! "When I was a kid, we read actual books!" "We had to actually "dial" our phones." "We didn't even have ranch dressing, for goodness sake!!"

When I was a kid, I used to listen to my parents say "When I was a kid, I used to walk to school, up hill both ways, in the snow, without shoes on."  "When I was a kid, I used to get up at 5am to chop kindling for the fire every morning during the winter."  "When I was a kid, we didn't have TV so we used to sit by the radio and listen to The Lone Ranger at night."  "When I was a kid, I had to pick cotton until my fingers bled."  "When I was a kid, my school was a one room classroom with a fireplace to keep us warm."

So, what will our kids say?  "When I was a kid, our computers had actual keyboards and screens instead of holograms."  "When I was a kid, my cell phone could only call people, play games and music on it."  "When I was a kid, we had Xbox with games on HUGE disks!"  "When I was a kid,  I warmed up macaroni and cheese in a microwave oven and it took 3 1/2 minutes!  Now it takes 3 seconds!"  "When I was a kid, we had to brush our own teeth!"  "When I was a kid, we had real pets that you actually had to feed."  "When I was a kid, my mom actually cooked. Now we just have to swallow a pill to survive."  "When I was a kid, we had to travel in cars, not hovercraft." 

I used to always say that God knew which century to put me in because I would have died if I wouldn't have had air conditioning, running water and reality TV.  My grandmother is 96-years old and she remembers riding in a horse drawn wagon.  I suppose if you've never had something, you don't miss it.  In 100 years, other humans will think that we lived like the pioneers.  Wonder what they will have that we don't?  Will life be so much easier that we actually are living like pioneers now?  Are we really savages?  Are we living in the dark ages?  I guess only time will tell. 

Lesson #15,120-This Homework Thang

Okay, so this homework thang is really cutting into my watching TV and vegging out time.  I know that I have complained before about how much homework kids have nowadays but this studying for tests, writing papers and doing projects thing is seriously getting out of hand.  I had to miss The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills rerun last night because we had to put together a poster of The Muscular and Skeletal System.  These kids nowadays cannot get away with plagiarism like we could.  I copied word for word from the encyclopedias that we had from 1969 and got away with it when I was in middle school.  These kids today cannot get away with it because the teachers can scan their papers and have the computer check for plagiarism.  Poor kids!!  Poor parents!!!  What a pain in the butt that is!  The teachers at my school had to just guess if we had copied that crap from somewhere else!  If it didn't sound like something that you would write, they would just ask if you copied it out of a book.  We would all be like "Noooooo".

Sometimes I think computers are the greatest thing ever because you can type anything you want into the search engine and you will find tons of information on any subject.  That makes writing an essay, report or term paper very easy.  We used to actually go to the library and find books on a subject, if there was one!!  Now, you can sit in your underwear, in your living room and pull up information on The Cold War, The Great Wall of China or The Branches of Government.  You just better not plagiarize any of it because they have that same computer to check for that!!

I suppose it is a good thing that we don't have to have all of those Encyclopedia Brittanica A-Z's in our living rooms now.  They used to be decoration in our house but now I have leather bound, antique books as decoration.  Some of which are not even written in English but I just thought they were "pretty"!!  I'm such a loser!!  Anyway, life may be easier now but back when I was a kid I could just copy that old information and cut pictures right out of the same encyclopedias to get an A+ on my projects!!  So kiddos, Y'all better get to work on your projects!!  Be sure not to copy ANYTHING word for word!! Hahahaha!!  We may not have had the Internet, cable TV and Xbox but we also didn't have plagiarism software!!!! Who had the better childhood?  BOOM!!

Lesson #15,109-Having an Only Child Has It's Perks

Okay, so I went to dinner with my dear friend, who reads this blog (Uh oh), and she has 5 children.  3 teenagers, a 1st grader and a 4-year old.  I was looking around the entire time trying to figure out how in the heck she does this!!  The little ones were jumping around, up and down, busy, busy, busy.  She and her husband were cool as cucumbers.  I thought to myself "Dear God, You knew better than to give me 5 kids!!"  There is just activity all around and they just chilled out and let it all go crazy.  There is not enough Xanax at Walgreens for me to do all of that.  Somebody needed their water refilled, she just refilled it with someone else's water glass.  Someone needed their meat cut and she cut their meat and refilled the other water glass at the same time!!  Seriously, she was like an octopus waitress superhero mom or something!! 

All of these kids are super smart.  During dinner Dad was going over spelling words and making a game of it with the youngest son while going over vocabulary with the middle son.  I can barely help one child get homework done.  Can you imagine having 5 children in school?  This fall they all will be in school.  I would need a nanny, a tutor and a maid!!  There would be no naps, EVER!!  Oh and did I mention that both parents are PA's??  That is a Physician Assistant, in case you didn't know what that was.  They both work full time!!

The perks of having only one child are as follows:
1.  Only having one child!!!  That's it!!

Well, maybe not.  There's the laundry perk.  I only have to do laundry once or twice a week.  The homework thing.  I can help with everything but math and Spanish.  Then there is the time thing.  I've got free time to spend with him or take a nap.  Whichever I choose!!  Dishes.  We only have 3 for dinner.  College tuition.  Only have to save for one.  Only have to cut one person's meat!!  One car.  One North Face jacket! Actually the list goes on and on!!


I'm sure that there are perks to having a large family too.  Like, having help with the laundry, babysitting and the older ones can help the younger ones with homework.  The kids are more independent.  It's never boring.  There's always something going on!!  You can wear pajamas in public and people understand why!!

Hats off to ya, Julia!!

Lesson #15,082-So This Is 2013?

2013 has started off pretty well so far, for me!!  My Gamecocks won the Outback Bowl yesterday and everyone gets a free bloomin' onion today!  You're welcome!!  Who wanted free coconut shrimp anyway? NOBODY!!  That's what you would have gotten if that other team had won.  2013 should be lucky for everyone!! 13 is supposed to be a lucky number.  It used to be an unlucky number but for some reason now it is a lucky number.  Didn't we not have a 13th floor in tall buildings because it was an unlucky number?  Oh well, it is going to be a great year!!  I am claiming it right now!!

Anyway, today is the day that the children go back to school.  Can I get a Hallelujah from all the moms?  "Hallelujah"!!  Oh come on, you know you said it!! Okay, really I didn't want them to go back to school today either.  Setting the alarm clock for the first time in 2 weeks was really horrible!!  I absolutely HATE waking up to an alarm, especially if I am having a really great dream.  I am mad at whatever wakes me up from a really great dream! 


This year I am going to try to stay on a "Schedule of Order".  Yes, I named it that.  I will be changing sheets on a certain day every week.  I am not one of those people who vacuums every day.  I do, however, love me some clean floors.  I vacuum all of my floors, even the hardwoods and the tile floors.  I hate a broom because I can never get all of the dirt into the dustpan.  I'm going to try to be a better housekeeper.  If you have ever been to my house, you know that I have a clean house but I have small piles of mail or magazines or whatever stacked here and there and it drives me insane!!  My husband does the same thing.  His piles drive me crazy and my piles drive him crazy.  Well, we cleaned up most of his piles yesterday and I guess that my piles are next! LOL!! I love cookbooks so I have a shelf in my kitchen full of cookbooks.  I am a sucker for a church cookbook so I have one from almost every denomination in North Carolina!  That shelf is a point of contention between my husband and I.  I love every cookbook and he hates the entire shelf!!








Let's all claim that 2013 is going to be our year!!  Even if it started off wrong so far, let's all reclaim it!!  Keep reclaiming it every day if you have to!!  As we say here in the South, "Doggone it"!!!  YES, 2013 WILL BE A GREAT YEAR!!!  Of course, I haven't left the house since 2012 so let's just hope that my big plans for a great year aren't ruined by the outside world today!! I've got to drive carpool this week and it's gonna be great!!!  Well, the afternoon shift will be anyway!  I hate the morning shift!  I have to go to the grocery store today so I proclaim that I will not get behind any extreme couponers!!  I proclaim that anytime that I need gas this year that it will be sunny and 70 degrees!!  I proclaim that I have at least one hour per day to look at a Pottery Barn or Restoration Hardware catalog!!  I proclaim that from now on my body will not absorb any calories from Nutella!!  I proclaim that this year is gonna be the year that I become a size 4 again!!  Oh who am I kidding?  I proclaim to take more naps!!!  It's 2013 so let's do this!!!!!!

Lesson #15,075-Children Are Thieves

Okay, so our children are thieves.  Anyone who is a parent know that they steal from you.  The first thing they steal from you when they are tiny babies is sleep.  Mama and Daddy are laying in their beds, sleeping soundly.  We have made sure to feed the baby and get him to sleep.  We turned off all of the lights and locked all of the doors.  We have put the cat out for the night and set the alarm clock for the morning.  So, why are you waking us up in the middle of the night?  Anything that small cannot be hungry every 2 hours.  They are thieves stealing our sleep!! I can forgive this one because I tried explaining to him, at one week old, that it was inappropriate for him to keep me up all night but apparently one week old babies don't comprehend what we are saying. 

Then they get a little older and you cannot have a cup of anything to yourself.  If you have a cup, a juice box, a mug or stein of anything to drink, they are going to have some.  Hide your shot glasses because they will think it is just a small drink, all for them!!  Honestly, my son is 13 and I cannot have a can of soda to myself without him putting his big ole lips all over it.  I swear, you just have to take 6 steps to the kitchen and get your own can of soda. We don't live in a 20,000 square ft. house!!  There is even a small refrigerator upstairs with your drinks in them!!! Ummm. Hello!!

Then they get a little older and they steal your money.  Literally.  If you leave money on the counter, dresser, desk, or even in your pocketbook it will get taken!!  I know this because my child does not have a job. He isn't selling his stuff on eBay or our local online yard sale and the kid has more money in his pocket than I have in mine. I just did laundry and found about $3 in his pockets!!  He not only steals from me but also his father.  Then every Saturday he will bring his change that he has collected around the house all week to his dad and gets dollar bills for it.  This kid is running a scam on us!!

The worst offense is not money, drink or sleep but my stash of candy!!  Okay, so let me explain it to you.  You have free reign of all of the candy in the kitchen, the pantry, the living room bowl or your daddy's bowl.  You do not have an all access pass to anything in the bottom drawer of my nightstand, hidden under the newspaper.  Got it??  That is my stash of good chocolate and if you are younger than 42 and male then you are not to even look at my stash!!  Those are Mommy Chocolates!!

Honestly, children will steal anything.  You walk off from your sandwich, you better take it with you.  You want to see your iPhone ever again, better take it with you.  You want to finish that bag of chips, better take them with you.  Want to take a nap on the couch with your child?  You had definitely better get 2 blankets because they will steal the entire blanket for themselves.  If you want to keep your sanity, forget it.  It's gone as soon as that baby is born.

There are numerous other items that are stolen from us.  Ya know, like the TV remote.  They steal this and change the TV to SpongeBob and then hide the remote so you cannot change the TV or turn the volume down.  They know full well that I cannot find the buttons on the side of the TV to change the channel or volume so they do this on purpose!!  They also steal your seat every time you get up!!  My laptop is always MIA.  My son has the best laptop in the house because his is the newest and because he kept stealing ours but for some reason he still uses mine.  I am missing the "up" key and the "Caps Lock" sticks but he still likes mine better.  What the heck??  Little thief!!

I guess this is all okay.  As long as he keeps stealing kisses from his mom then he can steal everything in this house!!  And yes, even my chocolate that is stashed in the bottom drawer of my nightstand and hidden under the newspaper.  Rob me blind, dahling but keep the kisses coming!!  He also STOLE my heart when I first laid eyes on him!!

Lesson #15,067-Carpool Baby!!

Yep!! Carpool.  It can be a blessing and a curse.  It saves time, money, gas, the environment, traffic congestion and frees up time for everyone who carpools.  It is the best thing ever when it is not your day or time to drive!!  If you have a usual carpool for school then someone either drives every day for a week, drives every morning or afternoon or you have some other schedule that works for everyone.  A carpool has to be fair to everyone.  For after school activities, usually one mom or dad will drop off the kids at the activity and another mom or dad will pick up.  This frees up some time for everyone. 

I tell you what.  I have gotten to know some kids and some good middle school gossip driving carpool.  If it is my usual school carpool.  The mornings are pretty quiet because the kids are still half asleep.  If it is afternoon, I get to hear what happened at school all day.  I can usually tell you who got in trouble, who had silent lunch, who broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and all other middle school drama.  Well, all of the drama that middle school boys are aware of.  They are pretty clueless about drama but sometimes they catch the tail end of a conversation about something going on and can give you the play by play.  But driving the soccer team to practice or picking them up from practice, WOW!! Driving Mama gets an education!!  Sometimes Driving Mama has to do the educating.  This DM got an education about how young middle school boys are when they start having "boners".  Yes, one of the boys that I had just picked up from soccer practice said, "I've got a boner!"  I mean, what do you say to that?  Yep, SILENCE.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am rarely speechless but all you heard were crickets chirping. 

When there is the carpool feud  you have to hear, "Mom, I don't want to carpool with Leonard anymore!!"  "I hate him!!"  "He is so mean."  That is a big ole con to the carpool.  Another con is if you are the one to have to pick up kids from anything, they will likely not smell as fresh as they did when you dropped them off.  School pick up is not too bad but soccer, basketball, football or any other sport pick up can be very smelly.  I have threatened about 7 different 10-13-year olds within an inch of their lives if they take off their cleats in my car.  KEEP THE SMELL INSIDE THE SHOE UNTIL I GET YOU TO YOUR HOUSE!!  Boys smell like ass and sweat when you pick them up from practice or games so the "shoe on" rule applies in my car.  Now I wish my car had some sort of armpit rule.  I haven't figured out how to keep the armpits from being smelly yet.

Funny story about how smelly my car can be.  I had 4 smelly boys in my car and was dropping off the first one at his house.  His dad was out in the yard and came over to the car to say hello.  He came over to the passenger side of my car and stuck his head in the window and said "Hello" and then took a breath and abruptly removed his head from the window.  He then began questioning who was the stinky one and what had died in his shoes.  Honestly, I could not pinpoint who was the stinkiest!! Everyone got a shower before bed that night, I am sure of that!!

Anyway, there are more pros than cons to carpooling so I'm gonna keep doing it.  I just hope that I don't get educated or have to give education to any more little boys about subjects that would make their daddies blush!!  I have explained more than I care to list here in not-so-medically-appropriate terms to a carload of boys who asked me questions that they did not want to ask their parents.  Look, if you are crazy enough to allow your child to carpool with me, your child is going to be exposed to bad words and will have their questions answered unless I have no idea about what they are talking about.  I will set them straight about things that they are wrong about.  I will scream at them if they are too loud or being obnoxious little whiny butts.  Oh and I call it like I see it. If you don't like it, find someone else to carpool with.  I probably don't want your Rugrat riding along anyway!!

Go Green-Carpool!!