Lesson #15,148-Summer Time!!

Okay, So, I cannot decide if summer is too long or too short.  Our school runs on a year-round schedule but it is not really "year-round".  They do get about 6-7 weeks in the summer.  That is not very long and we all wish it was longer!!  But then again, if I hear "I'm bored.", "Can somebody come over to spend the night?", "What time will so-in-so be here?", "Can we go bowling?", "Can we go to the record store?", "I don't want to get up", "I don't want to go to the pool, or play soccer outside or ride my bike or do my summer reading or anything else that you suggest"!!!!!  "I'm hungry" is another of my least favorite sentences to hear.  "Can we go to Bojangles?" and "Can you pick me up some Chick-fil-a?" makes me want to cringe.

We are so lame that we didn't eat hotdogs and hamburgers on the 4th of July!!  We ate leftovers from Olive Garden.  How lame is that??  What is wrong with us??  We made up for it today and ate hamburgers for dinner.  Had to do it!  So, Happy 5th of July, People!!  We celebrated Cinco de Julio!

We are heading to the beach in a few days for one more week there before school starts back!  UGH!!  Okay, So is summer too short or too long?  I suppose it is according to the day that you ask me!  I am not looking forward to getting up early again and helping with homework and soccer practices and projects and book reports and all of that again!!  Then again, I won't have to fix lunch and snacks 100 times a day!!  After the beach, all we will have to look forward to is fall break!!  That is my favorite part of the year round schedule! 
 
So, tell me how you all are keeping your children occupied this summer.  Especially if you have an "Only Child"?  We have had a lot of sleepovers!!  Borrowing other people's kids are the way to go when I have only one!  They are probably tired of entertaining their multiples!!  So, I am helping them out, really!!  Right??

Lesson #15,147-Summer Break!!!!!

Okay, so school gets out today, for summer, here in NC.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Super Excited about not having to get up at 6:00am for 7 weeks!  No homework for 7 weeks.  No packing lunches for 7 weeks.  No projects for 7 weeks.  No studying for 7 weeks.  No tests for 7 weeks.  That being said, there is also no going back to bed at 8:30am for 7 weeks.  No lunching with my friends for 7 weeks.  No peace and quiet from 8am-3pm!!  I will be hearing "Mom, I'm bored" about 5,000 times over the next 7 weeks.  I will have to stock up on snacks and lunch food.  There will be stinky teenage boys in my house at all times.  My floors will not be clean for 7 weeks.  There will be cookie crumbs and potato chip crumbs in my sofa cushions for the next 7 weeks.  That's okay though.  Sleeping past 8:00am is a treat for me.  Now I just need to find a quiet hairdryer so my husband doesn't wake me up when he is getting ready for work.  Maybe I can find some earplugs that really work!!  Maybe I can also find a shock collar that shocks my son every time he says "I'm bored"!!

I know that I love summertime and there are some great reasons to love summer break and believe me, I do!!  There are also some great reasons to hate summer break!  I am already dreading the "I'm bored, Mom" and "Mom, can I have a friend over?".  I'm dreading the crumbs and the smelly teenage boys.  I'm dreading the sticky floors and the elevated grocery bills.  However, the warm weather and sleeping for 2 more hours a day may soften the blow!!





I suppose there could be nothing worse than having a kid that has to go to summer school.  That must suck!!

Happy Summer Break, Everyone!!!

Lesson #15,146-I Want a Job!!

Okay, so I have been a SAHM for over 13 years now.  It has been great and I love it but I think I want to start earning my own money.  What kind of jobs are out there for me?  I mean, I now have "Mommy Brain" so I can't remember anything.  My brain has turned to mush!!  I can't remember how to use Excel.  I can't type very fast anymore.  I can't work weekends.  Well, I can but I don't want to.  I can't work evenings either.  Well, I don't want to do that either.  I only want to work from about 10am to 2:00pm.  I take that back.  I need a nap sometimes so I'm gonna need to leave about 12:30.  Are there any jobs that I can work from about 10am to 12:30pm?  Oh and I am going to have to wear my yoga pants because they are very comfortable.  No makeup would be great and if I didn't have to fix my hair that would be a bonus as well!!

Let's see now.  What am I really good at nowadays? I am pretty good at driving carpool.  The kids only have like a tardy or 2 this year.  What else?  I'm great at Facebook and Instagram.  I am an ace at drinking wine and eating crackers and cheese.  I cook really well but I don't bake.  I only like to cook about twice a week so I am really good at making sandwiches.  I'm not great at decorating but I have fabulous boards on Pinterest.  I am great at Internet shopping.  I can win an eBay auction with 2 seconds remaining!! I can do laundry but I don't like putting it away.  I can rearrange a dishwasher so many times that I can get every cup in my cabinets in one load!!  I can clean a cat litter box in 30 seconds.  I can pack a backpack and fix peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with my eyes closed.  They are usually still closed at 6am!!  I give the best kisses and snuggles that my son has ever had!!

Okay, so maybe I should just keep my day job since nobody is hiring for anything that I am good at now.  Plus, I would probably forget to go to work because of my "Mommy Brain".  Being a Mom doesn't pay well but being a Great Mom is worth more than silver and gold.  Better stick with what I know I am good at!!

Lesson #15,143-What If Life Came With A Keyboard?

Okay, so we all make mistakes and wish we could erase them!!  BACKSPACE!!  Yes, the Backspace key would come in very handy when you say something stupid.  I have this problem.  Sometimes my mouth works way faster than my brain.  I have a sarcastic personality and I am usually joking with someone but say something to the wrong person at the wrong time and they get upset.  If my mouth had a Backspace button, I could just take it back really quick!!  I'm usually joking but some people are grump so.......((Backspace)).

What about the Delete button?  We could just go back and delete sections of time that were "uncomfortable".  How convenient would that be?  You back into a car and leave a big ole dent.  Just hit the Delete button!!  Poof!!  Dent gone!!  How cool would that be?

CAPS LOCK.  When we really, really mean something we could make it clear to other people that we mean business with the CAPS LOCK.  "NO, I DO NOT WANT TO BUY A SUBSCRIPTION TO YOUR MAGAZINE."  "YES, OF COURSE, I WANT VODKA IN MY CRANBERRY JUICE.  WHO DRINKS CRANBERRY JUICE WITHOUT VODKA?"  See what I mean?

Escape.  Yes, the most wonderful key on the keyboard.  I see that annoying person in Target that I don't want to talk to and just hit the Esc button!!  Yep.  I'm gone!!  I'm speeding down the highway and pass a State Trooper. Escape!!  I see a snake in the yard. Escape!! Escape!! Escape!!

Then there is Ctrl+Alt+Del.  This restarts everything.  If we have a crappy day, we can just start all over again.  Have an argument with someone and think of better stuff that you could have said?  Hit Ctrl+Alt+Del!!  Yes!!  Then you can really Zing them with your quick wit!!

Having trouble sleeping at night?  Power down...........................Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Lesson #15,142-If Only These Things Were True!

Okay, so I hear these things all the time and I am really wishing that they were true.  "If you lick the icing off the cupcake, it becomes a muffin.  Muffins are healthy, right?"  I really, really wish this was true because I do love cupcakes!! And muffins.  Just not those whole grain mini muffins with raisins in them.

"The calories go into the doughnut hole".  So, you can eat as many as you want, right?  I mean, it makes sense to me that the calories are flushed right through the doughnut hole!!  Just don't eat the holes!!  I can do that!!  Okay, so it's not true.

What about "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas"?  Not true.  Your friends will tell everyone what you did and will laugh at you forever!

"It's so easy.  I took these diet pills and lost 120 pounds in 6 months."  Lies!!  I took them for one day and thought I had bugs crawling under my skin!  If you can stand the bugs for 6 months, then you probably can lose 120 pounds!!

Don't even get me started on the happy girls wearing tampons!  I'm not that happy when I am not bleeding like a stuck pig!  I sure as heck ain't happy when I am!!  Stop showing women jumping around, dancing, playing tennis, riding horses or swimming!!  We don't do these things when we are doubled over with cramps!

Just once, I would like to get a burger at a burger joint that looks like the ones in the ads!  Just once, I would like to get the rental car that I thought I was getting from the rental car company.  I thought I was getting a convertible Corvette but in reality I got a Kia minivan!!  Just once, I would like an ice cream cake that I didn't have to take a hack saw to!  Who the heck can cut through these things?  My Frosty at Wendy's never has that cute little swirl on top.  What's up with that?  When I order a cute dress from a catalog, why does it never look as good on me as it does that 5'11", 105 pound model?  Just once!!!  Oh and my weight on my driver's license.  Yeah.  That ship sailed when I was 20 years old!!  Just hope they are able to identify me after the added pounds and hair dye. Oh and the 2 inches taller that I told them I was.  Shut up!! You know that you lie too!!  Why do they even ask?

If only these things were true!!

Lesson #15,141-Moms Telling Stories About Blond Moments

Okay, so a bunch of moms got together the other night. (If you live in the South, you know that "the other night" could be last night, 2 nights ago or 6 months ago.)  We were sitting around telling funny stories about things that we had done.  Some of us have some great stories.  Most of them involved doctor's offices. Like the time I asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted his Tetanus shot in.  Well, duh!!  I think I have told the story before but he shook his stump at me and said "Well, what the Hell do you think?".  Cringe worthy moment!!!! I think my blond hair dye soaked clear to the root!!!

My other friend was telling a story about going to the OB/GYN for her yearly physical.  She had finished with her pap smear and breast exam and told the doctor that her boobs were really sore after she ran on the treadmill.  She was concerned that something was wrong with her breasts!  He told her that his wife had the same problem and told her that maybe she just needed better support.  She said that she told him that she had just bought a new pair of running shoes and that couldn't be the problem!! (LOL)  She said he just looked at her and walked out the door.  When he walked out the door she realized that he wasn't talking about support of her arches.  When she walked out of the door of the exam room, her doctor was standing at the end of the hall talking to another doctor and they both just roared with laughter.  She knew immediately that they were laughing at her blond moment! 

Another one of the ladies there that night is an RN and she was telling us about working in a doctor's office and they were doing a proctoscope (it goes in the anus) on an elderly lady and the doctor couldn't get it in.  He turned to her and asked if she would try.  She said, "Sure. I will give it a try".  She said that a minute later she told him that she had gotten it in.  He thought it was great that his nurse had gotten it in and turned around to do the scope.  Well, the doctor went to look around the rectum and he said (loudly) "You've got it in the wrong hole".  They both had to leave the room!  She wondered why the elderly lady had squealed a little when she inserted the scope!

Obviously, we are not rocket scientists!!  Thank God for good friends and good belly laughs!!

Lesson #15,139-Who Could Use a Laugh Right About Now?

Okay, so the past week has been pretty crappy with all of the sadness happening in America.  I think everyone wants to break away from the Boston Marathon murders by those low life thugs.  The horrible explosion in West, Texas.  What is going on in this world?  We all need a laugh.  Well, there was another horrible thing that happened over the weekend.  Did y'all know that Reese Witherspoon (America's Sweetheart) was arrested for disorderly conduct?  What is this world coming to?  She even got out of the car and asked the police officer if he knew who she was.  What the heck?  Seriously?  This made me laugh...He said "No"!  That made my day!  These Hollywood people think they are God's Gift to us all!!  That police officer said that he didn't know who she was!! Hahahaha!!  I bet that knocked her drunk self down a few notches!!

I have a friend who was in a restaurant bar many years ago and an NFL quarterback was in there partying with his friends.  He asked a couple of my friends to come over and sit with them.  She had no idea who he was.  She was just there to have fun.  So they are sitting there talking and having fun and this guy was very arrogant but he was buying drinks so they sat there for a little while.  He finally said to her "You have no idea who I am, do you?" and she said "No".  He said, "I'm Kerry Collins" and she said "Well, I'm Nicolle Allen!!" and he was floored!! He said, "I am the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers" and she said to him "Well maybe if you were Troy Aikman I would have known who you were"!!  Everyone at that table just roared!!! I am sure he had women fawning all over him all the time but not my friend!! She was not impressed!  He went to his car and pouted.  Of course, sitting in a Ferrari probably made soothed his bruised little ego just a little!

This is a funny story about me.  In my former life, before becoming a mom and wife and mommy taxi driver and living this glamorous life of laundry and dishes, I was a medical assistant and worked for a doctors office.  We had many, many hilarious things that happened and usually I was around to see most of them!  One day a man came in the office and had stepped on a nail.  He needed a Tetanus shot.  Well, this man only had one arm.  I always asked which arm a patiend wanted a shot in, so I kept thinking to myself "Don't ask him which arm, Don't ask him which arm, Don't ask him which arm"!  I drew up the Tetanus and walked in the treatment room and he and I were talking and laughing.  He had a great dry sense of humor so he was cracking me up.  After about a minute of talking and getting the alcohol pad, gauze and bandaid ready, I turned right around and asked "Which arm do you want it in?" and he shook his little stump at me and said "Well, what the Hell do you think?"!! Oh my gosh!!! I was mortified!! He just shook his head and laughed at me!!  Can you say cringe worthy moment???

Okay, so now that you have had a laugh at my expense and Kerry Collins' expense.  Have a great day!!

Lesson #15,137-Is Target The Happiest Place On Earth?

Okay, so as a Mom I've seen a lot of stuff.  I've seen real stuff.  I've seen gross stuff and I have seen great stuff.  I have seen happy stuff and I have seen sad stuff.  I have decided that Target really is the happiest place on earth.  Some people say that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth but I don't think that's true.  I saw kids crying and screaming, red-faced and having full on meltdowns at Disneyland.  Clearly, they were coming off sugar rushes and were in desperate need of a nap.  But when you can see the kids back teeth and tonsils, that is a full on tantrum!!!

Some people think that the beach is the happiest place on earth.  Again, not if you're a kid!!  Most of the time kids have sand in every "crack" of their bodies, up their noses and in their eyes.  Then there is sunburn.  The first day at the beach a kid walks away critically injured.  Second degree sunburn on the first day of a week trip to the beach makes for a long week not only for the kid but also for mom!  The sand rash that happens when you play in the sandy, salty water makes for painful urination and bathing for the rest of the week too.  So, the first day of being on the beach may be happy but not the second through sixth day.

I happen to think that the happiest place on earth is, in fact, Target.  I have never seen anyone crying in Target unless they were leaving!!  And those were housewives.  Children walk out happy with their new crap!  Even the 3-year old kids are walking out saying, "I can't wait to wear my new sandals to preschool tomorrow and show that bitch, Emily Margaret.  Imma strut up to her and slap my foot on the ground like a BOSS!!"  Umm Hmm.  Mamas walk out with our new body soap and all kinds of cool stuff from the dollar bins at the door. (Ya know?  Those dollar bins used to all be $1 when they first showed up at the front door but now some have $3 on them but I don't care.  I'm getting that $3 aluminum bucket and gardening gloves and a pack of sports ball erasers and some stars-n-stripes plastic cups!!  Yes, I needed all that crap! And, yes, I know that I only came in here for bandaids.  Who the heck can go in Target for one thing?  I mean, you walk right past the dollar bins for goodness sake!!  You know you NEED those cool cookie cutters!!  One of them has a seal balancing a ball on his nose!!  A SEAL!!! So anyway, I went in for bandaids and came out with a cart full of stuff and $200 poorer.  Still a great day though!! I WENT TO TARGET!!!

Don't you agree that Target is the happiest place on earth?  Well, it is!!

Leson #15,136-Spring Break 2013!!!! Wooooo! Hooooo!

Okay, so Spring Break 2013 is but a memory now. And just like every other "break" that the school offers, it was not a "break" for any Mama that I know!!  It was nice to sleep until 8am but trying to entertain children when they are out of school for one week is not easy.  They want to go and do this and that.  They want to eat every 30 minutes.  They want to play ping pong, use the big TV in the living room, get on the computer or go outside whenever they want to.  This means that Mama is gonna have to get off of her usual schedule.  If Mama watches Jerry Springer at 11am and the kid wants to watch SpongeBob, the kid will win this battle.  If the Mama usually blogs at noon and the kid wants the laptop and a PB&J, the kid will win this battle also.  If Mama usually naps at 2pm and the kid wants to play ping pong, the kid will win this battle!! 

Okay, so our Spring Break consisted of driving 6 hours to the Georgia mountains.  Did you know that there were mountains in Georgia?  Well, there are mountains there!!  Cute little mountain towns with cute little stores everywhere. And, of course, those few strange mountain people who you are sure are in the Witness Protection Program or that they escaped from the crazy farm.  Yep.  They were there too. Problem is...the boys we were there with have no volume button and have no filter and just cannot resist saying whatever comes to mind.  Yes.  We were stared at but who cares??  We were Moms on Spring Break with boys!!! We didn't care who saw us, what they heard, when they saw us or how loud they were.

Thank goodness that we had alcohol in the fridge every night!!  Frozen margaritas were on the menu daily!!  A break just isn't ever going to be a break for Mamas.  I see that now!!  So, Mamas, Get ready for summer break!! It's a comin'!!

Lesson #15,135-Dads and Moms. Yep We Parent Much Differently

Okay, so we all know moms and dads parent differently but is one the more fun parent?  Is there a good cop/bad cop thing going on?  One is a pushover and one is strict?  One is very careful and the other is reckless?  I swear there is something to this!  Hear me out!!

Moms tend to be gentle and loving. We get the kids all calmed down and ready for bed and the dads start rolling around on the floor with them and holding them up in the air by their ankles and swinging them around and around and around.  Then Dad wants them to be quiet so he can watch TV and he falls asleep on the couch and leaves mom to get the kids calmed back down and ready for bed.  Sound familiar?  Dads are rougher!!

Since moms are with the kids more we can overlook more infractions.  Dad walks in from work and the kids are bouncing off the walls and screaming and running around and mom is oblivious.  As long as nobody is screaming bloody murder and they're not bothering Mom, she doesn't care.  Dad looks at Mom like she is off her rocker, which she probably is from being home with these wild children all day.  Dad walks into the living room and says "What in the world is going on in here?" and the kids look like a deer in the headlights. They are thinking "Oh shit. Dad's home. Gotta behave now".  Mom could have said to be quiet, calm down, sit down or chill out 100 times but Dad just has to say it once.  Makes no sense!!  Mom gave birth to you rugrats and you listen to Dad??

Dads hear the same story about what happened today at school and have a way different perspective about what to do the next time it happens.  Here is the story that the kid tells:  "I was at school today, minding my own business and this kid said that I was a poopy head".  Mom will say, "Well, honey, just try to be nice to this kid" or "just ignore him" and Dad walks in and hears the same story and says, "You walk up to this kid and punch him in the nose".  No joke!!  Dad says he doesn't care if you get suspended, you just better not take crap from that kid ever again and that kid's dad was a nerd in high school.

At the soccer games, the moms sit on the sidelines talking and cheering on the kids and telling them "good job".  Dads stand on the sidelines screaming at the kids and telling them to "push that kid back when he pushes you".  Guess who gets in more altercations at soccer games?  Don't get me wrong, I have been in an altercation at the soccer field too but it was with a DAD!!!  He let his team say "F*** You", instead of "Good Game".  He was the coach and let his team be bad sports!!

The sex talk is another difference that parents have.  Moms explain it all in great detail.  We explain the dangers of sex too young, sex with random people, how you can get in a lot of trouble and how it can ruin your life and your plans for achieving your dreams and goals.  Dads just say "Don't do it" and "Protect yourself"!  Actually some dads are like "Atta boy"!!  What to do?? What to do??

So who is more fun?  Mom or Dad?  I say MOM!!!  Of course, I would say that!!

Lesson #15,134-Boys or Girls? Which Is Easier?

Okay, so everyone has an opinion about which is the easier sex to raise.  Some say boys and some say girls.  The arguments that I hear don't always apply to every child so don't write me saying that I am wrong!!  Here is the argument for the girls.  Girls are calmer.  Girls are sweetly natured.  Girls are loving.  Girls are easier and more fun to dress. Girls are not mischievous.  Girls don't tear up their toys.  Girls are not rough on clothes.  Girls don't have to be tough.  Here's the argument against the girls.  Girls are sneaky. Girls can be so mean to each other.  Girls gossip.  Girls can get bad reputations with one mistake.  Girls hold grudges.  Girls are moody.  Girls are complex.  Girls have to have their hair done. Girls start drama.

Then there is the argument for the boys.  Boys love their moms.  Boys are loving.  Boys are what they are.  Boys don't get caught up in drama. Boys can have an argument with their buddy, punch each other in the eye and 5 minutes later they are playing basketball.  Boys are simple humans.  Boys don't have to have their hair done. Here is the argument against the boys.  Boys are rough and tumble.  Boys are moody when they are going through puberty.  Boys make messes.  Boys are more active than girls. Boys are rough on their clothes and shoes.  Boys have tempers. Boys are much less fun to dress.

Okay, so I only have a boy but I am a girl and I know people who have girls.  I love these little girls but I swear my son is easy!!  He is loving and sweet.  He doesn't tear up things.  He never wrote on the walls or acted like a bull in a china shop.  He has a pretty darn great attitude about life.  He has empathy for other people.  Maybe he is the exception to the rule.  I don't know??  One thing that I do know for sure is that I only have to worry about ONE PENIS.  If I had a girl, I would have to worry about ALL OF THEM!!!  That alone makes me thank God above that I have a boy!!  I love girls, don't get me wrong.  I am one, for Pete's sake!! When I was pregnant, I wanted a boy.  I cried tears of joy when they did my ultrasound and said that I was having a boy.  Most women probably want a girl. Not me.  That whole having to worry about more than one penis did me in!!

Lesson #15,133-Children and The Elderly Are Allowed To Be 100% Honest

Okay, so I think that the only people who are allowed to be 100% honest and get away with it are children and the elderly.  If a child points out a flaw in another person or something unusual, it can be excused.  We forgive them because they are cute.  They can get away with telling Santa Claus that he has bad breath.  A child can tell someone that they are smelly or fat or mean or anything else and we can forgive them because they have no filter!  That whole empathy thing hasn't hit them yet. 
 
There are other people who can say whatever they are thinking and that is the elderly.  Now they have that empathy thing built in but for some reason we can forgive them by discounting their opinions because they are "old fashioned" or "senile".  Maybe they are those things but the truth is that they just don't care and we can just forgive their "honesty" because they are also cute!  Really??  I don't think so.  My grandmother has always been the sweetest woman on the planet but she is 97-years old and if you have gained .3 of an ounce, honey she will notice.  Then she will point it out to you.  In her sweet little grandma voice though. I wear my Spanx when I go and see Grandma!!  She don't play!!

Being 4'11", I could pass for a child but my gray hair would betray me.  I could pass for elderly and say that I have had a lot of work done!!  That's it!!!  Next time I say something stupid, which I do very often, I am going to say that I am elderly and sometimes things slip out without my knowing!!  Can I get away with it?  I guess you will know if you see me with a black eye or bloody nose the next time you see me.  Wish me luck!!

Lesson #15,131-Friends Are Like Shoes

Okay, so we all have shoes.  Some shoes we love more than others.  Some shoes we save for special occasions.  Some shoes we wear every day.  Some shoes are always in the floor for you to trip over.  Same thing with friends!! Right?  Let me explain.

Some shoes are like high heels.  They look really pretty.  They tempt you and tell you that you "NEED" them.  Then when you wear them, they make you uncomfortable.  They hurt you.  They leave scars!!

Then there are your favorite pair of tennis shoes.  They are a little more comfortable.  You can't wear them everywhere because they don't go with everything.  They really are good shoes but they just can't be there with you all the time.

And then we come to the best shoes EVER!!  Yep, flip flops.  Your favorite pair.  You wear them all of the time.  They are comfortable and they are there for you all of the time.  You can wear them anytime with anything.  Flip flops can be worn with a dress, jeans, shorts and even pajamas!!  They are better than your dirty old bedroom shoes!!  Flip flops don't care what you wear.  Flip flops just go with the flow.  They make you more relaxed.  You don't have a care in the world with your flip flops especially on the beach!! 

So, you see what I mean?  Some shoes look great and make you feel bad.  Those are your "Not-so-good" Friends.  Some shoes are pretty darn good shoes but you don't need them all of the time and they certainly don't need to be worn all of the time.  Those are your "Good" Friends.  Then there are the good ole flip flops that are good and worn in and fun and carefree and comfortable.  Those are your "Best" Friends.

Go and be a flip flop to someone today!!

Lesson #15,130-What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (And other sayings that are BS!)

Okay, so we have all heard those inspirational sayings that go something like this:  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  What a load of crap!  If it almost kills you, it probably weakens you!!  If you are sad and weak, you start to feed your pain.  When you feed your pain, you gain weight.  So after your trauma, you cry, get depressed, eat too much chocolate and ice cream and gain a few pounds.  Then you feel worse about yourself and get even more depressed.  You get the picture, right?
(HUH??)

There is another saying that just pisses me off.  The one that goes like this.  No pain, no gain.  Actually, it is a pain to lose, not to gain!!  It is fun and delicious to gain.  It's a pain to have to diet, count calories and exercise.  So that saying is stupid too!!
(Yet another dumb quote!)

Another saying that drives me nuts is "It's never too late".  Well.  Yes it is.  Sometimes it is just way too late.  When someone is pale faced and has blue lips, it's too late!!  What about "Be the change you want to see in the world".  Well I can be as nice as I can but some people will always be jerks!  It seems to piss them off even worse if you are nicer to them.  Some rude people even roll their eyes and walk away when you are nice to them.  If you chase them down and are really, really nice to them, they call for security.  Geez, what is the problem??
(If you've been turned down 1,000 times your idea probably sucks)

"Success doesn't happen overnight".  Sometimes it does!!  Sometimes you win the lottery at night and by morning you are a millionaire!!  One day you can't pay your Visa bill and the next you can max that bad boy out and pay it off when you receive that giant check!!  "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted".  Well, sometimes it is.  Gave a homeless person a penny and he threw it back at me and it rolled into a grate that led to the sewer.  Totally wasted a perfectly good penny!!
(Oh shut up!!)

"Be strong.  You never know who you are inspiring".  If they are inspired by me then they are serious losers!  I mean really.  Who wants to be me?  Some days I don't even shower!  It takes me 2 days to fold a load of laundry.  If you want me to inspire you to workout, I can give you someone else's phone number.  I don't care if you workout or not.  As a matter of fact, if you could help me think of an excuse not to go today, that would be great!!
(What if nobody loves me?)

"Look on the bright side".  Well if I wanted to look on the damn bright side, I would not be bitching about the not-so-bright side.  Just go with it!  I want to have a damn pity party for 24 hours and then we can look at the bright side.  Okay??  "Let it be".  Let it be??  I want to go whip somebody's ass!!  You coming?
(No.)

"A goal without a plan is just a dream".  No shit but I really want to be the first 4'11" Rockette who has never taken tap dancing lessons before.  Shut up!!  It is MY goal!!  "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly".  Yeah, well, at least the butterfly could fly!!  That is my other goal.  My favorite inspirational quote is this one:  "Bad decisions make great stories"!!!  I have some great stories!!