Lesson #150,156-What Not To Give As a Christmas Gift

What Not To Give As A Christmas Gift

Okay, so 'Tis the Season, Right?  'Tis not the season for Re-gifting.  Well, turns out, it is. 

Bath Salts

Nobody really wants bath salts.  Nobody really uses bath salts.  Nobody has time for a bath.  Bath salts never really melt.  They just float around on top of the water or sink to the bottom of the tub, making it uncomfortable to move around.  I think that there have only really been a few bottles of bath salts ever purchased and they just keep getting passed around from friend to friend.  The bottles may get used once but never again because the crunchy pebbles do not relax you.  If anything, they stress you out.  First, they won't melt.  Second, they hurt your bottom.  Third, they are supposed to de-stress but the end up "distressing" the user. Forth, since they never melt, you have to clean the tub and rake the granules down the drain.  Last, you have to keep the bottle of bath salts visible in your bathroom, just in case your friend ever needs to use the upstairs bathroom in the master bedroom so that they can possibly, maybe see that you appreciate their gift.  Yes, the bottle is dusty and only one scoop has been used but what if Martha shows up to your house and wants to use your bathroom, even though there are 2 other bathrooms in your home and one is downstairs??  They must be on display!!

Christmas Mugs

Doesn't everyone already have 15 odd Christmas mugs in their cabinet already?  If you come to my house in July and want a cup of coffee, you will probably drink it from one of our Christmas mugs.  There is a Santa one.  A snowflake one.  A couple of tall snowmen mugs. One with an elf.  I can't even find my real coffee mugs because of all of the Christmas mugs in my cabinet.  If you are buying me a Christmas mug, go ahead and buy an entire set so that everyone can have the same mug to drink from.

A Single Christmas Ornament

At our age, we are all funny about our Christmas trees.  Some people have one Christmas tree and some have 15 but we have our decorations for all of our trees carefully planned out already.  Strategically, placed blue and silver trees.  A kitchen tree with food items.  Our children's tree with all of the ornaments that they have made or collected over the years. Our main tree with all our finest collections of ornaments and bows and such.  We don't want a single Christmas ornament to have to hang on the back of the tree!!  Yes, that is where a single, but nice, Christmas ornament goes.  The dreaded back of the tree.

A Scented Candle

Everyone loves for their home to smell good but that one scented candle that has sat on your bar for the past year, is not the perfect last minute hostess gift.  You know that it is dusty.  You know that you have dusted off an unlit candle and put it in a used gift bag before.  Admit it.  Scented candles are pretty and smell good to some people but most people get a headache from a scented candle.  Plus, if you are serving food, a scented candle is not a good idea.  It changes the flavor of the food because of the sense of smell.  Now if you have a room full of people who have mutant noses that have no more sense of smell, feel free, but please spare the rest of us the pain of the migraine from your scented candle.  (Now, I am preaching to myself here because I have one candle in my bathroom that is scented and I do light it when people are coming over just in case anyone needs to, ya know, do a quick #2 in the downstairs bathroom that everyone else is using.) 

Best Friends Picture Frame

Okay, so everyone has more than one friend who thinks that they are your best friend.  When you give Martha a framed photo of yourself and her on vacation together in a "Best Friends" picture frame, you know that will hurt Tara's feelings if she sees that.  Maybe you just want to lay claim to Martha.  Maybe you want to give ole Tara a hint.  Me and Martha are Best Friends and you, Tara, are the other friend.  WE are "Best Friends"!!  Plus, you just added to Martha's list of items to dust. 

"Basically, anything that needs to be fed, watered or dusted is a bad idea."-Susan Radford (The new Emily Post)  This includes plants, pets or picture frames.  Susan also says that any kind of food or alcohol is proper.  Anyone who knows Susan knows that she isn't kidding.  You may never drink the bottle of Johnny Walker but someone who visits your home in the next 10 years may want a shot of Johnny Walker.  That makes it proper, unless the person that you give it to is a recovering alcoholic.  Then you may have made a horrible decision in bringing your dusty bottle of Johnny Walker.

Good ideas:

Who doesn't like a lantern?  Who doesn't like a lantern with goodies inside of it?

Another great idea, especially if you are staying overnight.  This idea lets the host know that they do not have to get up early in the morning and make a big breakfast.  It will be of great relief to the host that you won't be a high maintenance guest.


This is a great idea, especially if you are visiting friends or family who do not drink alcohol.  You bring your own, drink it when you feel is proper and leave the beautiful bottle as the gift to the friend or family member.  If someone is opposed to alcohol for themselves for religious reasons or for health reasons, this will keep your host from feeling like they have to go and buy alcohol for you to drink.


To me this is the best gift ever!!!  It shows me that you are willing to eat off of a paper plate and that you don't expect the fine china to be pulled down from the top shelf.  The fine china hasn't been used since...well...never.  

I hope these tips are useful and that we are all mindful of others during the holiday season. Make sure that any guest who has a food allergy is accommodated.  If you are a strict vegan, bring your own dish of food to share. (You are usually the minority.)  If you are at a meal or party where a prayer is said and you don't believe in God, bow your head anyway. (It's the right thing to do.) If you are hosting a party, make sure to have something to drink without alcohol in it.  (You never know what someone has been through.)  Be mindful of anyone who has lost a family member in the past year.  (Don't go on and on about how great your Mom is to a friend who has just lost their Mom.)  If you don't love your Mother-in-law, invite her to your house anyway!!! (She may be lonely and you can stand anyone for a couple of hours. Plus, she probably longs to see her son or daughter.)  Remember that life is too short to hurt feelings or to waste time feeling hurt.  We have to let things go sometimes.  We can't change the world but we can change how we react to the world.

Happy Holidays.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Everything.

Leson #15,136-Spring Break 2013!!!! Wooooo! Hooooo!

Okay, so Spring Break 2013 is but a memory now. And just like every other "break" that the school offers, it was not a "break" for any Mama that I know!!  It was nice to sleep until 8am but trying to entertain children when they are out of school for one week is not easy.  They want to go and do this and that.  They want to eat every 30 minutes.  They want to play ping pong, use the big TV in the living room, get on the computer or go outside whenever they want to.  This means that Mama is gonna have to get off of her usual schedule.  If Mama watches Jerry Springer at 11am and the kid wants to watch SpongeBob, the kid will win this battle.  If the Mama usually blogs at noon and the kid wants the laptop and a PB&J, the kid will win this battle also.  If Mama usually naps at 2pm and the kid wants to play ping pong, the kid will win this battle!! 

Okay, so our Spring Break consisted of driving 6 hours to the Georgia mountains.  Did you know that there were mountains in Georgia?  Well, there are mountains there!!  Cute little mountain towns with cute little stores everywhere. And, of course, those few strange mountain people who you are sure are in the Witness Protection Program or that they escaped from the crazy farm.  Yep.  They were there too. Problem is...the boys we were there with have no volume button and have no filter and just cannot resist saying whatever comes to mind.  Yes.  We were stared at but who cares??  We were Moms on Spring Break with boys!!! We didn't care who saw us, what they heard, when they saw us or how loud they were.

Thank goodness that we had alcohol in the fridge every night!!  Frozen margaritas were on the menu daily!!  A break just isn't ever going to be a break for Mamas.  I see that now!!  So, Mamas, Get ready for summer break!! It's a comin'!!

Lesson #15,109-Having an Only Child Has It's Perks

Okay, so I went to dinner with my dear friend, who reads this blog (Uh oh), and she has 5 children.  3 teenagers, a 1st grader and a 4-year old.  I was looking around the entire time trying to figure out how in the heck she does this!!  The little ones were jumping around, up and down, busy, busy, busy.  She and her husband were cool as cucumbers.  I thought to myself "Dear God, You knew better than to give me 5 kids!!"  There is just activity all around and they just chilled out and let it all go crazy.  There is not enough Xanax at Walgreens for me to do all of that.  Somebody needed their water refilled, she just refilled it with someone else's water glass.  Someone needed their meat cut and she cut their meat and refilled the other water glass at the same time!!  Seriously, she was like an octopus waitress superhero mom or something!! 

All of these kids are super smart.  During dinner Dad was going over spelling words and making a game of it with the youngest son while going over vocabulary with the middle son.  I can barely help one child get homework done.  Can you imagine having 5 children in school?  This fall they all will be in school.  I would need a nanny, a tutor and a maid!!  There would be no naps, EVER!!  Oh and did I mention that both parents are PA's??  That is a Physician Assistant, in case you didn't know what that was.  They both work full time!!

The perks of having only one child are as follows:
1.  Only having one child!!!  That's it!!

Well, maybe not.  There's the laundry perk.  I only have to do laundry once or twice a week.  The homework thing.  I can help with everything but math and Spanish.  Then there is the time thing.  I've got free time to spend with him or take a nap.  Whichever I choose!!  Dishes.  We only have 3 for dinner.  College tuition.  Only have to save for one.  Only have to cut one person's meat!!  One car.  One North Face jacket! Actually the list goes on and on!!


I'm sure that there are perks to having a large family too.  Like, having help with the laundry, babysitting and the older ones can help the younger ones with homework.  The kids are more independent.  It's never boring.  There's always something going on!!  You can wear pajamas in public and people understand why!!

Hats off to ya, Julia!!

Lesson #15,097-ABC's of Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

Yes, this week we are relearning our ABC's.  Being a Stay-at-Home Mom has it's challenges, as does being a Working Mom!  Whew! I don't know how y'all do it when you work and do everything that we do.  Hopefully, you have help.  You must be much better at time management!!

A is for Appliances-Dishwasher, Washing Machine, Dryer, Refrigerator, Stove, Oven and Crock Pot!!
B is for Balance-Balancing being a Mom, wife, friend, daughter and sister is tough.
C is for Carpool-Driving carpool takes up an hour of my day!!
D is for Dishes-The never ending, bottomless pit that is my kitchen sink!!
E is for Exercise-This is what I get every morning by running up and down the stairs making sure that the backpack is ready, gym clothes are packed, making coffee for the hubby, bringing juice to the kid to get him out of bed and making sure to say goodbye to everyone in the morning.
F is for Folding-Folding all of the blankets and putting them back on the sofas every morning!! (We all like our blankets in the evenings!!)  Folding laundry is my least favorite chore!
G is for "GET UP"!!-Which is what I scream at the teenager every morning!!
H is for "Hold on"-Which is what I have to say to friends when I am on the phone because someone can't find something!!
I is for Inside Out-Which is every piece of clothing that my husband and child wears so I have to turn them the right way on laundry day!! It drives me Insane!!
J is for Juice Box-How one child can drink so many juice boxes is a mystery to me!! They are found everywhere!!
K is for Kitties-All of the kitties need love several times a day.  They can be exhausting!!
L is for Litter Box-All of the aforementioned kitties use it several times a day so I have to clean the darn thing over and over!!
M is for "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom"-I hear it 1,000 times a day!
N is for Nothing-Which is what I feel like I have accomplished every day. (Especially if I take a Nap! Also begins with an N.)
O is for Overtired-Which is what I feel like every day!
P is for Pitiful-Which is what I look like every day! I have all of this time to take a shower, put on clothes, put on makeup and fix my hair and I feel like I never do it!!
Q is for "Quick!!"-Which is what is yelled at me when a spill happens.  "Mom, bring me a towel QUICK!!"
R is for "Really?"-Which is what I say just after I have cleaned up a room and 5 minutes later there are crumbs everywhere!!
S is for Saturday-The day that I look forward to all week.  My one day to sleep in and my husband is a morning person so he gets up EARLY and wants to go and do stuff!!  "Go back to bed, man!!"
T is for Thursday-Why? Because once a month on Thursday night our girlfriend group gets together and has Girls Night Out. Now, it is no longer Girls Gone Wild, but we do get together and talk and laugh and have some fun without any children around!!
U is for Unkempt-Which is my appearance most days!  If you see me with makeup on, consider yourself lucky!
V is for Violin-Which is what you working moms are playing for me right now! Right??
W is for WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING-Nope. I wouldn't change my crazy life for anything!!
X is for X-Rated-Which is my vocabulary when a monkey wrench gets thrown into my day!!
Y is for Yearning-Yearning for a vacation!!
Z is for Zees-Which is what I want to catch right now!! Sleep deprived Mama is tired!!

Lesson #15,077-50 Shades of Cray Cray!!

The holidays are crazy.  Between the shopping, spending, cooking, visiting, being visited, cleaning. decorating, entertaining and gritting your teeth, the holidays can drive YOU crazy.  You have no excuse not to go and see the people that you only see once a year and you know that you cannot get out of it so you suck it up and cook tons of food and go to Grandma's house and you have to see your crazy Aunt Beverly.  She has always pointed out your flaws at every opportunity.  This is why we only see Aunt Beverly once a year!!  When I was a young teen, I wasn't tall enough. (I never grew so she accepted it.)  When I was a little older, I didn't have any boobs. (Well, they grew when I was like 21-years old.)  Then I wasn't married at 25 so we had to remedy that the next year.  Then for 3 years we didn't have any children so I had to fix that.  I did all of these things in my life just so Aunt Beverly would shut the hell up!  Now I am 42-years old and have a muffin top and you know that old bat had to point out that I had gained some weight.  Again, this is why we see her only once a year.  I suppose she saves up all of her crap, all year long so she can send us all into therapy for the next year.  Oh well, I can wait another year to see Aunt Beverly!! Doesn't everyone have that one person in their family that they can do without seeing?  Crazy Aunts abound!!

If your extended family doesn't drive you crazy, one of your friends' friend might!  I mean, how many parties were we invited to this year?  I know that we are awesome!!  Totally!!  Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday in December there is a party to attend.  Then a couple of parties during the week.  Y'all are about to wear me out!!  I cannot be having a hangover 5 days a week!!  And yes I do have to drink to be at these parties because there is one person at each party that you go to that will be the dreaded "Aunt Beverly" some day!! Ya know the type?  Here goes the conversation:  "So what do you do for a living?" "Well, I am a stay-at-home mom so that keeps me very busy." "Oh.................How cute."  "Cute? What is that supposed to mean?  Only my Aunt Beverly is allowed to say that crap to me."!!!  Yes, you know that there is one of these at every party.  You can try to avoid it like the plague but eventually that person will have annoyed everyone else and you will be the last victim of the night!!

Shopping may make you crazy if the parties and the family haven't driven you there already!  Large crowds, grumpy shoppers, rude sales clerks, no parking spaces, long lines at the registers, limited merchandise, uncomfortable shoes, you know what I mean, right?  And forget gift wrapping anymore.  You're lucky if you can even get a box for your shirt!! Half the time they don't even have one of those left!!  The rude clerk just says, "Sorry, we are out of boxes" in that rude voice.  (Like that is going to make it better!! Now I have to go to Target and get some shirt boxes!!  And then I get to go home and wrap the gifts myself!!)  When you are the "stay-at-home mom" you end up doing all of the shopping except for yourself and sometimes you end up doing some of that too!! Not only do you have to buy everyone's gifts, you have to buy the groceries too!!  Oh and don't let one bag of cookie mix go unbaked because the men in your house will drive you crazy until you have fixed all 140 dozen cookies!!

Anyway, after all of the craziness of the holidays, it is nice to just take a nerve pill, have a glass of wine, take an Ambien and go to bed!!  Just breathe.  Take a deep breath, swallow your pills and forget about your crazy family, crazy people at parties and crazy sales clerks.  If you don't, it will make you 50 shades of crazy!!  So, everyone have a wonderful New Years party and forgive Aunt Beverly and the soon-to-be Aunt Beverlys in your life!!