Lesson #15,129-Crap I Wish I Wouldn't Have Done

Okay, so since having a child there have been many, many mistakes made.  I have done some crazy stuff.  Mostly because I was sleep deprived and didn't have one more ounce of strength to do one more thing for one more person that day.  There have been a few things that I have done that I am not proud of.  I have thrown a towel over peed on sheets before.  I have thrown a towel over vomited on sheets before.  YES, they were washed the next morning but I just didn't have the strength or energy to take them off of the bed and put them in the washer that night.  Of course, the kid was changed and wiped off with a wet wipe but the bedding wasn't of my concern at 3am!!  Don't you judge me!!

If you are like me, you have done your child's homework before.  The kid was taking hours to do 5 friggin' problems!!  He had almost pulled out every hair from his head.  He had shed 4,000 tears.  The kid just wasn't getting it!  We were on about hour 6 of homework and again I needed my sleep.  I took the pencil from him, sent him to bed and wrote in my most horrible handwriting the answers to the questions.  Don't you judge me!!

I have lied to this kid about so many things that I cannot even keep track of my lies.  I will not even start with the obvious, Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and The Easter Bunny.  There are the lies that have been told about what ingredients are in foods.  This kid has thought that squid was just chewy chicken.  Come to think of it, my son has eaten many dishes that he thought was chicken that turned out to be something completely different.  Only after he had eaten them was he informed about the pseudo chicken. Until you have an extremely picky eater, don't you judge me!!  Then there are lies about what we are going to do that day.  When my son was little, he was a bit of a frady cat.  He was always afraid to try new things.  I would tell him that we were going to go do something that he has tried before and then we would do something else.  He would usually cry and scream and hang on tight but ended up enjoying whatever we were really doing.  Until you have a child who is a frady cat, don't you judge me!!

The thing that I am least proud of as a parent is when my son was about to turn 10-years old, he would sneak into the bedroom and climb in bed with me.  Of course, he would wake me up!!  Have you ever known a 9-year old who could sneak anywhere??  Anyway, he had woken me up for about the 15th night in a row and I told him that "if his friends ever found out that he was still sleeping with his mommy that they would make fun of him". Oh.  My.  Gosh.  The poor child burst into tears and wouldn't speak to me for a day.  Oh, I felt so bad!!  It was true though.  He would probably still sneak into my room if I hadn't made him think of that. Don't you judge me!!  I needed my sleep!!!

Lesson #15,117-Some Men Should Just Buy a Dog

Okay, so we all know that dogs have always been "Man's Best Friend" and we all know that some men are just dogs themselves!  I think some men should never get married and just buy a dog.  Why??



~Dogs don't care if you stay out all night.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you go to Poker Night every week.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you have more than one dog.  If you have 2 dogs, they are both happy to see you when you get home.



~Dogs don't want to talk about your "feelings".  You can just pat their head or rub their belly and they are happy.

~Dogs don't pout for days or get their feelings hurt.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you leave piles of clothes on the floor.  They will just make a bed out of it.  They will love you for it!!




~When a dog wants affection, he or she will jump on the couch and nudge you.  They don't care how long the affection lasts.  If it is 2 minutes, that's okay and if it's 2 hours that's okay too!

~If you just want to take a nap, that's just fine with your dog!!  They are happy to accompany you.



~Your dogs' parents don't pop in unexpectedly, eat your food and complain about how dirty your house is.

~Dogs don't get mad if you have lipstick on your collar.  In fact, your dog will be so happy to see you that they probably won't even notice!

~Dogs don't care if you are late getting home from work.  The later you are the happier they are to see you.



~If you own a dog and you are married, lock your dog and your wife in a closet for an hour.  Then see who is happy to see you when you open the door.  I bet it's your dog!!

~Dogs don't mind being led by a leash.  Pulled left.  Pulled right.  If you try this on your wife, she will call you a freak, roll her eyes and call her friend to talk about you.



~If you forget your dog's birthday, no worries!!

~Dogs don't care if you are intelligent or not.  The dumber the better!!






~Dogs keep all of your secrets.  No matter what, they aren't talking!!

~Dogs don't care if you get a beer belly.  It just makes for a better pillow!!

~Dogs don't care if you fart.  As a matter of fact, dogs find the scent interesting.  Same thing with a burp!



~If you scream at your dog, he or she won't burn your clothes on the front lawn.

~If your dog leaves, he or she won't take half of your stuff!!

Lesson #15,106-Stupid Humans

Okay, so we all know that some humans are downright stupid but this is probably why we don't live to be 120!!  We are not that intelligent!  Well, at least some of us aren't!!  Here are a few examples:
 Headlight  out?  No problem.  This flashlight will work!!







The kids dared me to jump off the swings like I used to.  I think I'm forgetting something.





Nobody's gonna steal my bike!!

Let's see if my Porsche has 4-wheel drive!!

Ummm.  Probably shouldn't have put the staple right there!!

"Hey Boss Man.  I failed miserably today."

"Thieves will never see it here!!"

(((Tears))) The World's Most Touching Christmas Card!!

"OMG!! This line hasn't moved in over an hour!!"

Why?  Just why?

But...But...But...

Turn your hat around, Dumbass!!

Okay.

This is why playgrounds are for CHILDREN!!

Parent of The Year!!

Oh Damn!! That's hot!!

Is it or isn't it??

In Case of Emergency, flip this switch!!


"Umm, Sarge.  I think I did it wrong."

As opposed to Bone-In Bananas!!

This is why women live longer than men.

After you LOL, call 911.

Spoke too soon!

"I'm not gonna remove the cactus, you are."  "No you!!"

Boy Genius!!


J.K. Rowling once said "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all-in which case, YOU FAIL BY DEFAULT".  I say "Fail Fabulously!!"

Lesson #15,100-Humans Are Funny!

Okay, so I mean so-called "Civilized Humans" are funny.  Why do we do the things that we do?  For example, why do we plant grass and then when it grows, we cut it?  Didn't we plant it so it would grow?  I bet if you brought a person from the bush to the subdivision they would think we were crazy!!  We plant pretty things in our yard.  They plant food to survive.

Monkeys preen each other and yes once every six weeks or so we get preened by the hairdresser but these monkeys not only preen each other but they also eat whatever bugs are crawling in their fur.  I could save lots of money on groceries if we had fleas!! 
(HUMANS???)
We keep animals as pets.  People in the bush don't have purebred dogs to keep them company.  If they have dogs they are for protection and sometimes for food.  Now I'm not saying we should eat Fido but I bet the bushmen would think we were crazy for having little dogs and dressing them up like babies.  Many people have what used to be considered livestock as pets now.  Some people have goats and pigs living in their house.  The bushmen would have cooked the pot-bellied pig for dinner!  Our animals are spoiled rotten.  I mean worse than our children sometimes.  Pets don't talk back to us like our children do!!
(AWWWWW)
Humans put out bird feeders just to watch the birds.  I am telling you that is a mistake!!  We had a bird feeder on our back porch a few years ago and those little greedy bastards would fight over the birdseed and then they would tell their other little birdie friends about the free food and they would bring their families over to eat and then they would poop all over our deck.  My husband has no tolerance for the freeloading birds so he made me move the bird feeder out to the backyard.  Then the squirrels started!!  Did you know that squirrels are intelligent little creatures?  They weren't happy with the little bit of birdseed that would come out slowly as they ate it so they would hang upside down from the bird feeder and shake it until all of the birdseed fell onto the ground and those greedy little boogers would eat it all up!!  We had the fattest squirrels in the neighborhood!  My husband had enough and has "forbidden" me to buy any more birdseed!!
(FREELOADERS!!) 
We have indoor plumbing and complain about the water bill.  We have electricity and complain about the electric bill.  We have to wear clothes and shoes and we complain about having to pay for them.  Oh! Wait! That is just my husband complaining about how much I spend on shoes!!!  And while we are talking about shoes, why do us women folk wear high heeled shoes?  Yes they look cute but OUCH!!!  No foot was designed to be shaped that way.  We do it in the name of fashion!!  We also paint our nails.  Seriously, we are funny creatures!!
(Yes, Please!! Shoes make me happy.  I'm superficial.  Whatever!!)

Life Lesson #15,054-Human Beings Do Dumb Things

Do we really do dumb things?  Yes, we do.  Of course we do.  Here are a few things that we do that make absolutely no sense whatsoever!

Mowing grass.  Why is that so dumb?  Well, we aerate the lawn.  We plant seeds.  We fertilize the ground.  We put hay on it.  We water it so it will grow and then we cut it.  Huh?  What a complete waste of time!! Why did we spend so much time making it grow only to cut it?  See?  That's a dumb thing!!


Golf.  Now y'all know that most sports are dumb if you really think about the point of the game but golf has got to be the dumbest.  You carry around sticks to hit a little ball into a little hole.  Just drive the golf cart over to the hole, drop it in and then you are done and you can go home!! Then you go and do this eighteen times.  Isn't once enough? Oh and those awful outfits!! Have mercy!!
 

Hair.  Now maybe this one is just me. Every year I want to grow my hair out.  It gets long and then it begins to get on my nerves.  Up in a ponytail it goes!!  I want to wear it long but I don't have the patience or talent to style it. So up in a high ponytail it goes.  Up in a low ponytail.  Up in a twisty bun.  Then I cut it off and hate it and grow it out again only to go back to the ponytail style over and over again.  It's a vicious cycle.
 

Fashion.  Why must we change "What's Hot" every year?  Let's just stick with what is hot right now for a couple of years so we don't have to buy what is hot this season, every season.  Enough!!!  I don't think we look all that bad right now.  I totally understand us changing what was "hot" in the 70's because that was just a hot mess!! But come on!!  Let's just stick with our style one more year so I don't have to buy any new clothes!!


Christmas.  This one is totally the fault of retailers.  Oh and all of us who fall for it every year.  Christmas is Jesus Christ's birthday, not ours.  Jesus was born of a virgin and died for our sins and we give each other gifts.  Huh?  Why not give to the poor?  If we all would donate the money that we spend on Christmas gifts to charity, there would be no poor or homeless people.  Seriously!!  One study said that the average American spends $750 on Christmas gifts.  That money would be better used by a local charity.  Now, I'm not saying to boycott Christmas because it is a fun time of year but why go into debt over Christmas?


Cell Phones.  We all need them, right?  Didn't we live without them 20 years ago?  Then I lived just fine with one installed inside my car for 10 years so just in the past 10 years have we became dependent on our cell phones. We wonder why we are stressed out all of the time?  Well, we are wired 100% of the time.  We feel guilty if we don't answer our phones.  There was a time where you could only catch us at home or at work but now with cell phones being easily portable, you cannot even take a nap on the beach in Fiji without having your cell phone wake you up with a phone call from North Carolina.  Hmmm.  Wonder why sales of medications for stress and anxiety are skyrocketing??  No downtime.


Pets.  What?  Humans aren't enough for you?  We've gotta keep up animals too?  They were living just fine without us for thousands of years.  Dogs, horses and oxen worked for us until 100 years ago.  Now we are our pets' servants!!  You know that we have to serve them, especially if you are a cat owner.  At least a dog will come when called.  My cats look at me like I have 3 heads if I call them.  I have to feed them, put water in their bowl and scoop their poop!  There is not a human being that I have to shovel poop for so why do I have to have a pet that I have to do it for?  That is insanity!!


Okay, yes I have more but y'all are getting bored so I will stop this blog right here!! Am I right though?  We are doing some dumb things!!