Lesson #15,149-Even Sick People Can Be Funny

Okay, So let me explain where I've been lately.  First, there was summer and now it is fall and I haven't been writing lately.  No, I haven't been in an insane asylum but I may as well have been.  There's been summer fun, school starting back, homework and driving to soccer practices and games and tournaments and blah, blah, blah.  Not making excuses but...Well, yes I am.  Anyway, throw in a health scare and having a hysterectomy, which, by the way, is no big deal anymore.  If you need one, find a good GYN that can do it with a laparoscope and have it done!!  I was sore for a week and a half and then I felt normal again.  I get tired a little more quickly but it was exactly 3 weeks ago today so that's to be expected.  Now, onto more important issues.  Daddy has colon cancer and has been in Stage 4 for 9 years and so I know that isn't good.  He had to have surgery the day after Thanksgiving and the poor man had an NG tube in his nose and couldn't even eat on Thanksgiving Day!! Eating is his favorite pastime so I felt really guilty for eating while he was in the hospital.  Funny thing happened when he had surgery, I saw some guys that I went to high school with and they work on the local ambulance service.  Boy, did these EMTs have some stories!!

Okay, so here goes...

They go on a call and go into the house because there was a sick child.  Checked his vital signs.  Maybe a little elevated temperature.  Maybe a little diarrhea and nausea.  Mom thinks the child may have a virus or something and Grandma pipes up and says, "Tell 'em what we caught him doing yesterday."  They turn to Mom and she says, "Well, we caught him sucking on the Chicken Diaper."  They looked at each other and said, "Chicken Diaper?  What's a Chicken Diaper?" and Mom says "Ya know?  The diaper in the bottom of the package of fresh chicken that soaks up the chicken juices."  OH MY GOSH!!!  Thought I was gonna pee myself laughing at that one!!  I don't know what that spongy thing is called but from now on it's a Chicken Diaper!!


They go on another call to the bad part of town and find a man bleeding from his abdomen.  They go to check his wound and see 7 different wounds.  They ask him what happened and he said that he ran into a knife.  They asked him how in the world he ran into a knife 7 times.  They look up and see his wife standing there.  "Oh.  Never mind."  (I think someone got caught cheating!!)


They go on another call.  This time they know this guy.  He's a "frequent flyer" to the ER because he is "suicidal".  Apparently, this guy claims to overdose on purpose quite frequently and sure enough, they walk in and he starts flopping around on the floor, faking a seizure.  Once you have seen someone have a real seizure a few times, you know what it looks like.  These guys were onto his act.  The guy had on nothing but his underwear and it was pouring down rain outside.  They have had enough of his antics so they load him on the stretcher with no sheet or blanket and wheel him out to the ambulance in the pouring rain.  They said his belly button was full of water by the time they got him out to the ambulance. ((Hee Hee))  He stops mid-fake-seizure and asks for a towel.  They told him that they didn't have one.  He got mad and jumped off of the stretcher without even getting in the ambulance.  Again, if you've ever seen a real seizure, you know that a patient is a little dazed after one so they made him sign a release and he hasn't faked a suicide ever again!!  Score!!

I suppose you have to have a sense of humor to do what these guys do every day.  They see some horribly tragic situations and some really funny ones.  I told them that they needed their own reality show.  Only with the funny people though!!  Oh and here is my Public Service Announcement for the day:  If you see one of these, PULL OVER AND LET THEM THROUGH!!

Lesson #15,087-What's Your Favorite Medicine?

We all have a favorite drug, right?  Some of us have a go-to drug like Excedrin Migraine or Tylenol PM.  Some of us go to Benedryl at night to help with sleep.  Some of us are lucky enough to have an insurance policy that covers Ambien!  Some of us are not that fortunate so we HAVE to take Benedryl.  No.  I'm not bitter about it.  Really I am not.  Really.  (Stupid Blue Cross Blue Shield!!!)

Some of us have a favorite drug to keep us from ripping the heads off of everyone who pisses us off.  I would like to know how many lives have been saved by Xanax and Valium.  I know that people have overdosed on these drugs but these drugs have probably saved a lot of husbands from being hacked to death in their sleep for making that whistling noise with their noses.  You know that noise, right?  Annoying, right?

Some of us have aches and pains so we have a go-to pain killer.  Some of us have insomnia so we have a go-to sleep medicine.  Some of us have attitude problems so we have a go-to nerve medicine!  The older I get, the fuller my medicine box gets!  Aches and pains get more frequent.  Sleep?  What's that?  Attitude problems?  Well, I've always had that.  Can't blame that on age.  Why medicate it, since it's part of who I am, right?  If I took a pill every time I wanted to lock someone in my trunk in a rolled up carpet, I would probably be too medicated to drive to the edge of town.

Okay, so some of us have real serious issues that we have to take medicine for every day.  If you know me, you know that I have Crohn's Disease so I have to take anti-inflammatory medicines every day.  Believe me, that anti-inflammatory is not my favorite medicine.  The pills are large.  I have to take 3 at the time.  I have to take it 3 times a day.  I don't even catch a buzz from taking so many pills a day!! What fun is that?  I mean, really.  Who wants to be full of pills and not feel good?

Some of you have probably never taken a nerve pill.  Ever!  Ever!  So, what are you waiting for?  I see these people every day.  These are the people who go crazy over having to wait in a line for 2 minutes.  These are the people who have road rage.  All of us medicated people are just chillin' in the back of the line.  We don't care if it is going to take 30 seconds for the cashier at McDonald's to get us a cheeseburger.  We will get it when we get it.  We are not huffing and puffing in traffic and screaming at other drivers.  No.  We are just waiting in traffic and singing to the radio.  Yep.  We are those people.  Happy, Happy, Happy!!!

Okay, so don't be judging people who take meds to feel better, stay calm or relax.  If you have to drink coffee or smoke cigarettes, you know how we feel!!  Now, I hope you all have a great day!! Don't forget to get your prescriptions refilled.  We don't need you walking around like that!!