Lesson #15,149-Even Sick People Can Be Funny

Okay, So let me explain where I've been lately.  First, there was summer and now it is fall and I haven't been writing lately.  No, I haven't been in an insane asylum but I may as well have been.  There's been summer fun, school starting back, homework and driving to soccer practices and games and tournaments and blah, blah, blah.  Not making excuses but...Well, yes I am.  Anyway, throw in a health scare and having a hysterectomy, which, by the way, is no big deal anymore.  If you need one, find a good GYN that can do it with a laparoscope and have it done!!  I was sore for a week and a half and then I felt normal again.  I get tired a little more quickly but it was exactly 3 weeks ago today so that's to be expected.  Now, onto more important issues.  Daddy has colon cancer and has been in Stage 4 for 9 years and so I know that isn't good.  He had to have surgery the day after Thanksgiving and the poor man had an NG tube in his nose and couldn't even eat on Thanksgiving Day!! Eating is his favorite pastime so I felt really guilty for eating while he was in the hospital.  Funny thing happened when he had surgery, I saw some guys that I went to high school with and they work on the local ambulance service.  Boy, did these EMTs have some stories!!

Okay, so here goes...

They go on a call and go into the house because there was a sick child.  Checked his vital signs.  Maybe a little elevated temperature.  Maybe a little diarrhea and nausea.  Mom thinks the child may have a virus or something and Grandma pipes up and says, "Tell 'em what we caught him doing yesterday."  They turn to Mom and she says, "Well, we caught him sucking on the Chicken Diaper."  They looked at each other and said, "Chicken Diaper?  What's a Chicken Diaper?" and Mom says "Ya know?  The diaper in the bottom of the package of fresh chicken that soaks up the chicken juices."  OH MY GOSH!!!  Thought I was gonna pee myself laughing at that one!!  I don't know what that spongy thing is called but from now on it's a Chicken Diaper!!


They go on another call to the bad part of town and find a man bleeding from his abdomen.  They go to check his wound and see 7 different wounds.  They ask him what happened and he said that he ran into a knife.  They asked him how in the world he ran into a knife 7 times.  They look up and see his wife standing there.  "Oh.  Never mind."  (I think someone got caught cheating!!)


They go on another call.  This time they know this guy.  He's a "frequent flyer" to the ER because he is "suicidal".  Apparently, this guy claims to overdose on purpose quite frequently and sure enough, they walk in and he starts flopping around on the floor, faking a seizure.  Once you have seen someone have a real seizure a few times, you know what it looks like.  These guys were onto his act.  The guy had on nothing but his underwear and it was pouring down rain outside.  They have had enough of his antics so they load him on the stretcher with no sheet or blanket and wheel him out to the ambulance in the pouring rain.  They said his belly button was full of water by the time they got him out to the ambulance. ((Hee Hee))  He stops mid-fake-seizure and asks for a towel.  They told him that they didn't have one.  He got mad and jumped off of the stretcher without even getting in the ambulance.  Again, if you've ever seen a real seizure, you know that a patient is a little dazed after one so they made him sign a release and he hasn't faked a suicide ever again!!  Score!!

I suppose you have to have a sense of humor to do what these guys do every day.  They see some horribly tragic situations and some really funny ones.  I told them that they needed their own reality show.  Only with the funny people though!!  Oh and here is my Public Service Announcement for the day:  If you see one of these, PULL OVER AND LET THEM THROUGH!!

Lesson #15,103-I Had To Ask!!

Okay, so I asked a question on my Facebook page.  The question that I asked was "What did your Mama use to whoop your butt with?".  The number one answer was a hairbrush!!  I was shocked!  Being from The South, I was certain that the number one answer would be a flip flop!!  If you have ever been swatted with a flip flop, you know what that sting feels like.  Some of us got swatted with a fly swatter.  Some of us got swatted with a wooden spoon.  Some of us just got a regular ole swat with the hand!!  Either way, we all got whooped!!  Not one person said "My Mama didn't whoop me" or "I got Time Out when I was a kid".  Nope, not one person!! 

Why is it that none of us ever got "Time Out"?  I can tell you why!!  These kids nowadays have a darn (800) number to call if they get whooped!  Why didn't we have an (800) number to call?  I mean, my Mama pulled her car over on the side of the road and whooped my butt right there on the highway!  She didn't try to hide the fact that she was whooping me!  She didn't wait until we got home.  She did it right there in public!  On the side of the road!!  Of course, I don't think I ever sassed her again.  I knew better.

My husband told me a story about when he was young and he and his brothers were fighting in the car.  His Dad had enough of the boys being loud and trying to kill each other so he pulled the car over on the highway and made all of them get out and he drove away.  Luckily, his Mother was in the car and after about 15 minutes she made his Dad go back and pick them up!  My husband wasn't raised here in The United States but he said that they didn't have an (800) number to call either! 

These kids today are so lucky to have that (800) number!!  I have a feeling that if we all had that (800) number when we were kids, none of us would have had any parents!!  We all would have been raised by Foster Parents!  Okay, so I am not talking about real abuse.  I am talking about a few pops on the rear end when we deserved it.  Honestly, I can remember just the fear of the paddle that hung in the office of the school keeping me out of trouble.  We used to hear rumors about being paddled by the principal at school.  I remember hearing the "horror" stories.  Someone said that the paddle had holes in it.  This was supposed to make it sting more because it could travel faster through the air on the way to your butt!!  There was also a rumor about how the principal would wet the paddle to make it sting against your skin.  I swear that I only remember one person ever getting a paddling in school but his stories were so scary that the rest of us behaved ourselves in class so we didn't have to get paddled!!

So, what did your Mama or Daddy whoop you with??  Did you ever get paddled in school??  Can y'all believe that I never got paddled in school?  That's probably what's wrong with me today!!