Lesson #15,115-Colonoscopy 101

Warning:  If you hate potty humor then this blog is not for you.

Okay, so tomorrow I get to have a colonoscopy.  I am so excited!!!!!~Said Nobody EVER!!  (Unless you are a freak!)  So, I get to have this wonderful procedure every freaking year!!  Since I was blessed with Crohn's Disease, I am the expert in colonoscopies!! Some people will scare the shit out of you when you hear them talk about it so I am going to be perfectly honest with you.  I have had over 15 of these so I can be believed!!

The GI nurse has probably never had one so her explanation is probably made up on the spot.  She works in the office not in the day surgery center or endoscopy department so she has no idea!

First of all prepare 2 days in advance.  Buy sherbert, Gatorade, juices and baby wipes.  Just trust me on the baby wipes!!  Also, pick up your prep 2 days before and not on the day that you are supposed to do the prep.

Next:  Mix the GoLytely.  This shizz is named GoLytely.  It is a marketing technique to fool only first timers.  Colonoscopy virgins will be fooled by the name GoLytely but anyone who has had this prep before knows that the name should be GoHeavily!! You drink a little.  You think "Hmm. This isn't so bad."  Then you drink a little more and it begins to taste a little salty.  You drink a little more and you feel like you are drinking salt water.  You drink a little more and you are sure that it is rock salt in your throat and you begin heaving and then the tummy begins to roll.  Is it possible to poop and vomit at the same time?  YES!!!  I have done it!!!  The tummy rolls and rolls and rolls.  You poop and poop and poop.  Then you begin what sounds like and feels like urination out of your nether regions.  By now, your behind is red and on fire.  You will not be able to stand toilet paper touching your hiney so baby wipes will not only feel good on the back end but will also put out that fire!!  This will go on for hours.  If you are smart, you will put on a T-shirt and underwear and stay near the potty.  Have your spouse sleep in the guest room!!  You will go and go and go.  If this is not your first colonoscopy, there will be food from last year that exits your colon.  If this is your first, you will finally find your favorite marble from childhood or that dime your parents were afraid you swallowed when you were 2. THERE IT IS!!! A 1972 dime!!

Next:  You get to drive to the hospital or surgery center or wherever you are having your procedure done.  Praying that your ass gate doesn't reopen before you get there.  So, you pull up and check in and rush to the bathroom because you are sure you have to go again only to find out that you just had a tiny fart to let out and it wasn't even stinky so you could have done it in the waiting room.  Dammit!!  Then they call you back to get ready for the procedure.  They start out by asking you the exact same questions that you just answered on the 43 pages that you just filled out.  What is your name? Date of Birth? What are you here for? Do you have any drug allergies? (Hell no.  Give me the good stuff!!!)  They take your vital signs.  If you have never had this done before, your blood pressure and pulse are way too high!  If you have done this before, you're good.  Then she tells you to take off your undies and put on this gown.  This is the gown with no back door.  No undies and no back door.  You can, however leave on your socks!!  My doctor even lets you keep on your bra.  Honey, I am keeping on whatever I can keep on!!!  If I can keep on my cowl neck sweater, I am!!!!  She comes back after I am naked from the waist down and starts the IV.  Now that is the worst part of your day!!  Trust me on this.

Next:  They wheel you into one of the rooms.  The lights are low.  There is a monitor on the left side of the bed and if you have the nerve you will see the scope hanging to the right of you.  Don't look at how long it is.  Why?  Just don't.  Then the nurse comes over and asks you to lay on your left side.  "Umm, Nurse, I'm not asleep yet!!"  "I know, dear, we are just putting you in the position of violation".  "Oh, okay".  Then you hear harps and violins and the most angelic person that you have ever seen walks in the room and you swear that person is an angel!!!  The anesthesiologist!!!  Followed by your GI doctor.  "Hi Dr.____, and who is your friend?"  "Hi, I am Dr.____, the anesthesiologist.  I will be administering the medicine to put you to sleep" and you are in love with this person immediately!! (Man or woman!!)  Then your GI doctor, who you love, touches you on your hip and you sit straight up in the bed and scream "I AM NOT ASLEEP YET, DOC!!!!"  He says, "Yes, I know.  I was just going to tell you that we were about to get started and that I would see you in recovery."  "Oh, sorry, Doc and thank you!!"  Then they start to push the good stuff and................................................................................................................Zzzzzz.

Then:  You wake up and it's over!! You get to sleep the rest of the day and not cook dinner and not drive anyone to soccer practice.  The procedure wasn't that bad!!!!!  The prep sucks but the procedure wasn't that bad!!!!  Then the farting begins.  They have pumped you so full of air that you fart and fart and fart.  You don't care who hears it either!!

And that, my dears, is the truth about a colonoscopy!!

Now, Listen to me.  Go and get your colonoscopy when your doctor suggests it.  Do not put it off.  Just do it!!!  Honestly, if you can live through the prep, you have nothing to worry about!!!!  I do it every year so I am the expert!!!!!  JUST DO IT!!!!!

Lesson #15,058-Part 2 of Medical Office Stories

So I told a story yesterday about one of the events that happened in a medical office that I worked in so let's see if we can think of any more!! There really are so many stories that I will have to narrow it down to a few good ones.  One of the funniest things that happened was this...There was a little old lady who was always calling or coming in and wanting something, like every day!!  Demanding that the doctor see her immediately.  Demanding, very demanding.  Anyway, if the doctor had any type of in office surgical procedure, such as a mole removal, skin tag removal, freezing off warts, etc. he wanted them scheduled as the very last patient of the day because sometimes they take longer than expected.  Well, on this one day the little old lady brought in 12 pages of paperwork from her insurance company that she needed filled out.  She brought it in when we opened for the day and the doctor hadn't gotten there yet so she dropped the papers off and left.  She returned at about 10:00am and wanted to pick up her papers.  Of course the doctor had not had time to fill them out so she said that she would come back later and we told her that she didn't need to come back without calling first to be sure the paperwork was done.  She said, "Okay" and left.  She dropped back by around noon hoping that maybe the doctor had been able to get them done and we told her again that he had not had time to fill out the paperwork but that we would call her when he had gotten them done.  She left and I swear to you, she came back at 4:00 and we promised her that he had one patient left at 4:30 and would have her paperwork done by 5:00. Well, our last patient was a mole removal.  Now this mole was on this poor man's forehead and if you have ever cut your forehead you know that a head injury bleeds really bad.  Anyway, so me and the other nurse in the office went into the room with the doctor and removed the mole off of the patient's forehead and wow did that thing bleed!! I mean, he bled and bled and we ended up wrapping his head in gauze and the blood even had soaked through that when he was checking out and the old lady walked right in and back to the checkout area to pick up her paperwork because we had promised her that it would be ready.  She runs right into the man who had just had his mole removed and saw all of the gauze and blood and then he had a drop of blood that ran down his forehead and across his face and she said, "Oh my God!!! What happened to that man?" and without missing a beat the other nurse looked at her and said, "He needed some paperwork filled out!"  and we all laughed until we cried!!  That old lady got the hint and didn't bug us for at least 2 weeks!!

Okay, so one last quick story.  I never had anyone pass out on me while I was drawing blood except for one time and that was when a man completely tattooed with 2 sleeves, calves, hands, chest and all.  He told me that he was afraid of needles and I said "Oh hahahaha, sure you are" and he said "No really I am" and I totally laughed at him.  I thought he was kidding because if you can live through tattoos you cannot be that afraid of needles.  Well as soon as I stuck the needle in his arm his eyes rolled back in his head, he turned white as a ghost, broke out in a cold sweat and BAM!!!  He started sliding down in the chair.  I thought, "Well there goes my perfect record and why did it have to be on YOU!!"  How can someone have 47 tattoos and be afraid of needles?  Amazing!!

Lesson #15,057-Life In A Medical Office Is Funny Sometimes

Y'all in my former life I was a medical assistant and worked in a doctor's office.  Man did we have fun!!  Seriously, there are a lot of things that go on in a medical practice that are freaking hilarious.  Sometimes we had sad days when we had to give someone bad news but some days we had fun with our patients.  I can tell a few stories but I will not be able to name names because of HIPPA Laws.  None of you would know who any of these people are and I can't remember anyone's name anyway so here ya go...



#1  The doctor that I worked for had just started a new practice in a small town and he was 1 of only 2 doctors in town.  Everyone knew that the other doctor was a quack so everyone began coming to the new guy in town.  There was a patient who had cancer and was not doing well so what did her family do?  Call 911?  Call Hospice?  Take Mom to the hospital ER?  NOOOOOO.  They brought her to the office half dead and wheeled her in the door in a wheelchair.  Well, needless to say, she died within minutes of coming in the door.  Now remember, this was a new practice in a small town and people were just beginning to come to this office and we really needed it to succeed so we could all keep our jobs.  Well the doctor was quick thinking and decided that there was no way that the family was calling the funeral home to come over and pick up her body so he called 911 and told them to back the ambulance up to the side door.  Well the paramedics got there and put her on the gurney and covered her up and was about to wheel her out of the room when the doctor started screaming and cursing them.  He walked over and propped her up, uncovered her face, put a nasal cannula (oxygen tube) in her nose and then gave the okay for her to be wheeled out.  See funny, right??  Maybe you had to be there.  He actually had a valid point.  I mean, who would ever want to go to a doctor if they saw someone being wheeled out by a funeral director or on a gurney with a sheet covering the patient's head??  Certainly not me!!

I have more.  Come back tomorrow for more...I have to think of another one "clean enough" to tell on this blog.