Warning: If you hate potty humor then this blog is not for you.
Okay, so tomorrow I get to have a colonoscopy. I am so excited!!!!!~Said Nobody EVER!! (Unless you are a freak!) So, I get to have this wonderful procedure every freaking year!! Since I was blessed with Crohn's Disease, I am the expert in colonoscopies!! Some people will scare the shit out of you when you hear them talk about it so I am going to be perfectly honest with you. I have had over 15 of these so I can be believed!!
The GI nurse has probably never had one so her explanation is probably made up on the spot. She works in the office not in the day surgery center or endoscopy department so she has no idea!
First of all prepare 2 days in advance. Buy sherbert, Gatorade, juices and baby wipes. Just trust me on the baby wipes!! Also, pick up your prep 2 days before and not on the day that you are supposed to do the prep.
Next: Mix the GoLytely. This shizz is named GoLytely. It is a marketing technique to fool only first timers. Colonoscopy virgins will be fooled by the name GoLytely but anyone who has had this prep before knows that the name should be GoHeavily!! You drink a little. You think "Hmm. This isn't so bad." Then you drink a little more and it begins to taste a little salty. You drink a little more and you feel like you are drinking salt water. You drink a little more and you are sure that it is rock salt in your throat and you begin heaving and then the tummy begins to roll. Is it possible to poop and vomit at the same time? YES!!! I have done it!!! The tummy rolls and rolls and rolls. You poop and poop and poop. Then you begin what sounds like and feels like urination out of your nether regions. By now, your behind is red and on fire. You will not be able to stand toilet paper touching your hiney so baby wipes will not only feel good on the back end but will also put out that fire!! This will go on for hours. If you are smart, you will put on a T-shirt and underwear and stay near the potty. Have your spouse sleep in the guest room!! You will go and go and go. If this is not your first colonoscopy, there will be food from last year that exits your colon. If this is your first, you will finally find your favorite marble from childhood or that dime your parents were afraid you swallowed when you were 2. THERE IT IS!!! A 1972 dime!!
Next: You get to drive to the hospital or surgery center or wherever you are having your procedure done. Praying that your ass gate doesn't reopen before you get there. So, you pull up and check in and rush to the bathroom because you are sure you have to go again only to find out that you just had a tiny fart to let out and it wasn't even stinky so you could have done it in the waiting room. Dammit!! Then they call you back to get ready for the procedure. They start out by asking you the exact same questions that you just answered on the 43 pages that you just filled out. What is your name? Date of Birth? What are you here for? Do you have any drug allergies? (Hell no. Give me the good stuff!!!) They take your vital signs. If you have never had this done before, your blood pressure and pulse are way too high! If you have done this before, you're good. Then she tells you to take off your undies and put on this gown. This is the gown with no back door. No undies and no back door. You can, however leave on your socks!! My doctor even lets you keep on your bra. Honey, I am keeping on whatever I can keep on!!! If I can keep on my cowl neck sweater, I am!!!! She comes back after I am naked from the waist down and starts the IV. Now that is the worst part of your day!! Trust me on this.
Next: They wheel you into one of the rooms. The lights are low. There is a monitor on the left side of the bed and if you have the nerve you will see the scope hanging to the right of you. Don't look at how long it is. Why? Just don't. Then the nurse comes over and asks you to lay on your left side. "Umm, Nurse, I'm not asleep yet!!" "I know, dear, we are just putting you in the position of violation". "Oh, okay". Then you hear harps and violins and the most angelic person that you have ever seen walks in the room and you swear that person is an angel!!! The anesthesiologist!!! Followed by your GI doctor. "Hi Dr.____, and who is your friend?" "Hi, I am Dr.____, the anesthesiologist. I will be administering the medicine to put you to sleep" and you are in love with this person immediately!! (Man or woman!!) Then your GI doctor, who you love, touches you on your hip and you sit straight up in the bed and scream "I AM NOT ASLEEP YET, DOC!!!!" He says, "Yes, I know. I was just going to tell you that we were about to get started and that I would see you in recovery." "Oh, sorry, Doc and thank you!!" Then they start to push the good stuff and................................................................................................................Zzzzzz.
Then: You wake up and it's over!! You get to sleep the rest of the day and not cook dinner and not drive anyone to soccer practice. The procedure wasn't that bad!!!!! The prep sucks but the procedure wasn't that bad!!!! Then the farting begins. They have pumped you so full of air that you fart and fart and fart. You don't care who hears it either!!
And that, my dears, is the truth about a colonoscopy!!
Now, Listen to me. Go and get your colonoscopy when your doctor suggests it. Do not put it off. Just do it!!! Honestly, if you can live through the prep, you have nothing to worry about!!!! I do it every year so I am the expert!!!!! JUST DO IT!!!!!
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