Lesson #15,070-The Many 1sts Once You Become A Mom

Once you become a mom, you have many "firsts".  I am not talking about first birthdays or first steps or first teeth.  Those are the easy firsts.  I am talking real firsts!  Here are some of my "1st's" once I became a Mom:  I bet you have never before had someone else vomit down the front of your shirt and into your cleavage, sometimes soaking your bra to the point that it could be wrung out with your hands. That being said, the FIRST time you smell that vomit will be another milestone 1st!!

I bet you have never had someone else's pee shot into your eyes, nose and mouth.  (If you have, then you are one of those freaks!!) This one, though, you will laugh about!!  No, really, you will.  Not at that moment but you will some time later.

Another 1st is having to take care of something and keep it alive on 2.2 hours of sleep.  (And that is not consecutive sleep. That is total sleep.) You wonder if that little bundle of joy will ever sleep.  How could it sleep so soundly and wake up so angry?  What made it so full of rage when 20 seconds ago it was the most beautiful, peaceful sight that you have ever beholden in your entire life?  You even wonder how lungs so small could be so strong.  Could this kid be the next Michael Phelps?  He's definitely got swimmer's lungs!!

The first time you try and figure out a car seat.  What the Hell?  For all of us adults we just have one strap and we weigh 120 pounds (wink, wink) more than this little critter.  Why are they in four point harnesses?  I mean, are they a mental patient or a baby, for goodness sake?

The first time that precious baby poops more than you do and it goes completely out of the diaper, running down the baby's legs and up his back, all the way up to his hairline. But??? How??? The poop is literally bigger than the baby.  You have to look around to see if Ashton Kutcher has Punk'd you because you know it has to be a joke.  Then you get to figure out how to change the baby.  Should I just clean the baby with wipes or put him in the baby bath tub?  The answer is always the baby bath tub.  Don't bother trying the wipes.  Just trust me on this one!!

The first time you try to leave the house with the baby.  By the time you get all of the gear that you will need or could possibly need packed, you will have missed whatever you were going to.  The baby bag will need diapers, wipes, a changing pad, a couple of bottles, pacifier, a toy, blanket, a hat, a change of clothes or 2, bibs, teething ring, gum ointment, gas drops, Tylenol for infants, Motrin for infants, the nose sucker thingy, a syringe, ear plugs (for the husband), nose plugs (also for the husband), disposable gloves (again for the husband) and a burp cloth.  Then you have to get your purse, keys, the baby carrier, stroller...Yeah, never mind.  I told you it would be over before you left the house the first time!!!!  We missed church several times before we got it right!! And that was on 2.2 hours of sleep.

But then there is the first that makes it all worthwhile.  The first time that you have ever felt this way about any other living being.  I mean, yes, you loved your parents, your siblings, your spouse, etc. but you have never, ever felt so much love for something.  I try to explain the love that you have for your child to a person who doesn't have kids yet but all I can say is this.  It is a love that fills your entire heart.  You can actually feel it growing the moment that you look at that baby for the first time.  You know that you love the baby while it is still inside your stomach but once that baby is out and you see that precious baby, you know that you would die for that tiny baby right then and there. It really is like your heart being outside of your body from then on.