Don't Do That. It Won't Change Anything!!-150,157

Don't Do That.  It Won't Change Anything!!

Okay, so we all should know that yelling at the weatherman won't change the weather.  If you don't like heat, cold, rain or snow, you have no place to go on Earth and there is nobody on the planet that can change it.  It's almost like the old saying goes...Don't shoot the messenger!  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


Speaking of shooting the messenger, sometimes being the messenger can get you into trouble.  "Your child did this to my child."  "Your husband is cheating on you."  "You know that she talks about you behind your back, right?"  See what I mean?  You may be the one who gets shot instead of the child, the husband or the backstabbing friend.  Someone might come back to you with "Well, what did your child do to my child to make my child do that to your child?" or "How do you know that my husband is cheating on me?  Did you see it with your own two eyes?" or "Have you heard that friend talk about me?  What did you say when she said that about me?  Did you stick up for me?  What did she say then?"  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


So, the teenager that is working the drive thru didn't give you your sandwich without pickles.  What do you do?  Do you go inside and berate him or her for putting pickles on your hamburger?  Do you drive back around in the drive thru line and make the teen give you another burger without pickles?  Do you ask for the manager?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


Your Facebook friend who you haven't seen in over 25 years posts something about politics that you don't agree with.  What do you do?  Do you "unfriend" that person?  Do you start an argument with that person on their Facebook page?  Do you state your opinion and try to lead this idiot over to your way of thinking because, clearly, they are uninformed or uneducated about what they are saying?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


What about if you hear that someone, who you think is a good friend, has been talking about you behind your back?  Do you confront them with what you have heard?  Do you rat out your friend who told you this information?  Do you totally ignore this person the next time that you see them?  Do you start talking about them all over town?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


The older I get, the more I think about this.  I think back to when I was young and I remember being short tempered and quick to react to a situation.  I have learned to sleep on it for one night.  If it still bothers me in the morning, maybe I should consider doing something.  99 times out of 100, I don't lose any sleep over things that don't matter in my life and with every new day, I have a choice to be happy or to be miserable.  I can choose to live in the past or live for the future, without forgetting to live today.  In the grand scheme of life, does it really matter if I had pickle juice on my hamburger bun?  Does it matter what other people's children do?  Does it matter what someone else thinks of me?  No.  If my husband ever dared to cheat on me, that would be his choice and he would have to live with the consequences just as I would have to live with the consequences of an affair that I dared to have.  The weatherman isn't in charge of the weather and if my Facebook friend has a differing opinion than I do regarding politics, I just keep scrolling.  Is it really worth losing a friend over an opinion?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.

Lesson #150,154-Romance isn't dead!! (In the animal kingdom)

Okay, So I have some good news, Ladies!!  Romance is not dead!!  Well, at least not in the animal kingdom.  Sitting in the quiet house with no television, radio or vacuum cleaner on, I can hear the songbirds singing their little hearts out.  Sounds I have never heard before.  The most beautiful singing that I have ever heard.  Those little male songbirds with their feathers all aglow with color and their songs ring through the trees searching for the perfect mate.  All male birds are more beautiful than their female counterparts.  From ducks to little finches, their colors are beautiful. It is meant to attract the ladies.  Lady birds.  I think human men should take notes from these birds.  I mean, I don't think men should dress in feathers and sing, unless you are a drag queen.  Of course, even straight women love a good drag show.  Maybe that's why we love a drag show!!


Why do men hate to dress up so much?  Women love to dress up in our sexy cocktail dresses and heels that we pay way too much for.  Women love makeup and our favorite day of the month is Hair Day!! The day we get to color our gray "plumes" back to our "natural" color.  When men turn gray and have laugh lines, they are considered "distinguished".  When they are distinguished and are dressed nicely, they are considered "dapper".  When women of a certain age are gray and have laugh lines, we are considered "aging" so we fight it tooth and nail with Botox, filler and hair dye.  Even having face lifts or neck lifts. Horrible laser treatments and chemical peels. When it comes to aging, women can be way more vain than our male counterparts. Trust me on this...aging women, such as myself, feel like we are falling apart at the seams.  Aging isn't for wimps!!  In my 20's, if I needed to lose a couple of pounds, I could lose them easily without working out like a mad woman.  Now, I have to work out just to maintain a certain weight.  Muscle isn't built easily.  Fat isn't lost easily.

My point is this, we would like to be wooed like the birds do for their mates, even when we have been together for over 20 years.  Bring me a bouquet of fresh flowers once in a while.  Surprise me with a day at the spa.  Write me a little note and leave it on my pillow.  Believe me, you don't have to sing.  As a matter of fact, please don't!! When we have the chance to go to an event that we have to dress a certain way, JUST DO IT!! I promise that all of us housewives don't expect our men to wear a seersucker suit and a bow tie every day but it would be nice to see our men in some khaki pants and a nice pair of Bucks occasionally.  If you aren't from The South, you probably don't know what Bucks are. Here in The South, a sure way to catch your ladies' eye is to wear a seersucker suit and a pair of Bucks.

I know that women can do better to make sure our mates know how we feel about them.  We get into our daily routines and running children hither and yon, but we would like some romance occasionally too.  Even when we have been married forever!! We all get in our ruts and have an unrealistic view of how marriage should be.  I blame this on Hollywood.  I'm sure that 200 years ago, women knew how married life would be.  Hollywood makes every fairytale romance look like it can be reality.  Let's all make a little more effort in our relationships.  Maybe just eating together in the dining room without cell phones or the TV on.  Maybe even just sitting and talking on the back porch with a cold drink. Let's bring back romance!!  It's not dead!!  Take notes from the birds!!

Lesson #15,070-The Many 1sts Once You Become A Mom

Once you become a mom, you have many "firsts".  I am not talking about first birthdays or first steps or first teeth.  Those are the easy firsts.  I am talking real firsts!  Here are some of my "1st's" once I became a Mom:  I bet you have never before had someone else vomit down the front of your shirt and into your cleavage, sometimes soaking your bra to the point that it could be wrung out with your hands. That being said, the FIRST time you smell that vomit will be another milestone 1st!!

I bet you have never had someone else's pee shot into your eyes, nose and mouth.  (If you have, then you are one of those freaks!!) This one, though, you will laugh about!!  No, really, you will.  Not at that moment but you will some time later.

Another 1st is having to take care of something and keep it alive on 2.2 hours of sleep.  (And that is not consecutive sleep. That is total sleep.) You wonder if that little bundle of joy will ever sleep.  How could it sleep so soundly and wake up so angry?  What made it so full of rage when 20 seconds ago it was the most beautiful, peaceful sight that you have ever beholden in your entire life?  You even wonder how lungs so small could be so strong.  Could this kid be the next Michael Phelps?  He's definitely got swimmer's lungs!!

The first time you try and figure out a car seat.  What the Hell?  For all of us adults we just have one strap and we weigh 120 pounds (wink, wink) more than this little critter.  Why are they in four point harnesses?  I mean, are they a mental patient or a baby, for goodness sake?

The first time that precious baby poops more than you do and it goes completely out of the diaper, running down the baby's legs and up his back, all the way up to his hairline. But??? How??? The poop is literally bigger than the baby.  You have to look around to see if Ashton Kutcher has Punk'd you because you know it has to be a joke.  Then you get to figure out how to change the baby.  Should I just clean the baby with wipes or put him in the baby bath tub?  The answer is always the baby bath tub.  Don't bother trying the wipes.  Just trust me on this one!!

The first time you try to leave the house with the baby.  By the time you get all of the gear that you will need or could possibly need packed, you will have missed whatever you were going to.  The baby bag will need diapers, wipes, a changing pad, a couple of bottles, pacifier, a toy, blanket, a hat, a change of clothes or 2, bibs, teething ring, gum ointment, gas drops, Tylenol for infants, Motrin for infants, the nose sucker thingy, a syringe, ear plugs (for the husband), nose plugs (also for the husband), disposable gloves (again for the husband) and a burp cloth.  Then you have to get your purse, keys, the baby carrier, stroller...Yeah, never mind.  I told you it would be over before you left the house the first time!!!!  We missed church several times before we got it right!! And that was on 2.2 hours of sleep.

But then there is the first that makes it all worthwhile.  The first time that you have ever felt this way about any other living being.  I mean, yes, you loved your parents, your siblings, your spouse, etc. but you have never, ever felt so much love for something.  I try to explain the love that you have for your child to a person who doesn't have kids yet but all I can say is this.  It is a love that fills your entire heart.  You can actually feel it growing the moment that you look at that baby for the first time.  You know that you love the baby while it is still inside your stomach but once that baby is out and you see that precious baby, you know that you would die for that tiny baby right then and there. It really is like your heart being outside of your body from then on.

Lesson #15,065-Stuff Moms Say

There are some things that only moms say.  If you have infants or toddlers, you say a lot of things that you wouldn't normally say.  They sound insane unless you are a mom and you have actually said these things before.  Some things a mom of an infant may say:  "Awe. Look at that cute little poop".  "Who puked on my new shoes? You did, you cute little lima bean".  "What are you doing you sweet little punkin? You need to go to sleep precious". "Whose little man is up again at 3am?"

Conversation changes a little when they are not newborn infants.  When they are just babies it starts like this:  "Holy Cow, that is a huge poop!!"  "That Stinks!!"  "Another outfit ruined by baby puke.  I think I will just wear black pajamas until this kid is 5!"  "Puh leeze GO TO SLEEP!!!"  "Why, oh why, are you up again at 3am? Shouldn't you be sleeping through the night by now!??!"  "Doctor, this baby is driving me insane.  Why isn't she sleeping through the night yet?"

Toddler conversation..."Take that out of your nose!!"  "Don't put that in your ear!"  "Stop biting the cat." "Where did you find that binky?"  "Is that dog fur between your teeth?"  "How did you get pancakes in your diaper?"  "Is that a pea in your belly button?"  "What happened to my other shoe?"  "Is that catfood in your mouth?"  "Dear God, please help me not to lose my mind today!"  "Are those teeth marks on the vacuum cleaner?" "Please don't go out the doggie door again, son!" "Don't eat the Crayon!!"  "Don't eat the Play-Doh!"  "Don't eat the remote control!!"

The conversation is ever evolving as the child ages but we still sound mental to those who haven't been blessed with children yet.  Who else do you ask if they have brushed their teeth?  Who else do you check on just to be sure they are breathing?  Who else would you die for?  Who else would you pull snot plugs out of their nose for?  Who else would you have to save the parakeet from?  Who else do you read the same book to every night for 4 years?  Who else do you sing "You Are My Sunshine" to every morning?  Who else have you kissed a billion times and it still isn't enough?  Who else would you change back to that projectile puking, stinky poopey diapered, helpless baby if given the chance?  I would clean green peas out of his belly button every day if I could make my son little again.  And I would do it in a heartbeat!!!  Wouldn't you??

Lesson #15,064-The Man Cold

Oh my gosh!! There is a horrible illness that I would not wish on anyone.  It must be the most awful disease that has ever afflicted mankind.  I don't think any woman would know about it because apparently we are immune to it.  It only happens in the human male species.  It's called The Man Cold.  This illness renders our men helpless.  The afflicted man can only lay on the couch, watch TV, nap, cough, sneeze, snort, complain, order hot cocoa and food, whine, and be helpless.  It is like having an infant again.  Every little thing must be attended to by a man's wife!  The poor, sick man can only use his fingers to change the channel on the TV remote and to text his wife when he needs something else, even if she is in the same room with him.  Poor baby, can't even speak!!!  I am thrilled that I am a woman and can never, ever get The Man Cold.  I mean, thank God!!  It is supposedly worse than the swine flu, cancer or childbirth.  I know that having a C-section was really rough and even being so anemic that my hemoglobin was only 4, (Yes, 4!!) but apparently this Man Cold is serious business.  Maybe when men become infected with the virus they should be admitted directly into ICU.  I mean, who better to take care of these helpless little men, than highly trained Registered Nurses??  There is usually a doctor around the unit so there would be care provided 24/7.  Or maybe there is some sort of medication that could be administered that would keep him in a medically induced coma until the illness has run its' course.

(Bad word alert.  Sorry but it is funny!!)


Now why is it that a woman can have the same symptoms but for some reason, it isn't that bad?  Or is it that moms never stop?  Are men just big babies or are women just tougher?  They say that we are the weaker sex but seriously if you have ever seen a man with a tiny cold, you know who is the weaker sex!! I mean, REALLY!!!???!!!  Okay, so all the women should go out and get multivitamins, Echinacea, protein shakes, herbal teas, anything to keep our men healthy!!!  Don't let this happen to your man!!!