Lesson #15,065-Stuff Moms Say

There are some things that only moms say.  If you have infants or toddlers, you say a lot of things that you wouldn't normally say.  They sound insane unless you are a mom and you have actually said these things before.  Some things a mom of an infant may say:  "Awe. Look at that cute little poop".  "Who puked on my new shoes? You did, you cute little lima bean".  "What are you doing you sweet little punkin? You need to go to sleep precious". "Whose little man is up again at 3am?"

Conversation changes a little when they are not newborn infants.  When they are just babies it starts like this:  "Holy Cow, that is a huge poop!!"  "That Stinks!!"  "Another outfit ruined by baby puke.  I think I will just wear black pajamas until this kid is 5!"  "Puh leeze GO TO SLEEP!!!"  "Why, oh why, are you up again at 3am? Shouldn't you be sleeping through the night by now!??!"  "Doctor, this baby is driving me insane.  Why isn't she sleeping through the night yet?"

Toddler conversation..."Take that out of your nose!!"  "Don't put that in your ear!"  "Stop biting the cat." "Where did you find that binky?"  "Is that dog fur between your teeth?"  "How did you get pancakes in your diaper?"  "Is that a pea in your belly button?"  "What happened to my other shoe?"  "Is that catfood in your mouth?"  "Dear God, please help me not to lose my mind today!"  "Are those teeth marks on the vacuum cleaner?" "Please don't go out the doggie door again, son!" "Don't eat the Crayon!!"  "Don't eat the Play-Doh!"  "Don't eat the remote control!!"

The conversation is ever evolving as the child ages but we still sound mental to those who haven't been blessed with children yet.  Who else do you ask if they have brushed their teeth?  Who else do you check on just to be sure they are breathing?  Who else would you die for?  Who else would you pull snot plugs out of their nose for?  Who else would you have to save the parakeet from?  Who else do you read the same book to every night for 4 years?  Who else do you sing "You Are My Sunshine" to every morning?  Who else have you kissed a billion times and it still isn't enough?  Who else would you change back to that projectile puking, stinky poopey diapered, helpless baby if given the chance?  I would clean green peas out of his belly button every day if I could make my son little again.  And I would do it in a heartbeat!!!  Wouldn't you??

Life Lesson #15,050-Your Children Only Get One Childhood

Okay, this one is for parents.  We all know how quickly time passes but to our children, their childhood passes slowly.  The longest 12 years of my life were when I was in school.  I remember how slowly time seemed to creep by.  Once I got married and started a family time sped up.  As soon as my son was born, life has seemed to pass at light speed.  I have to remember that for him time is passing slower than for me.  I have to remember that he only has one childhood.  Will he look back on his childhood and smile?  Will he say that I was always there for him?  Will he think that I spent enough time with him?  Will he feel loved?  Will he want to come home to visit or just come see us at Christmas, out of obligation?  When he gets married will he want to live nearby or want to move as far away as possible?  All of these questions are being determined right now and I have to remember this. If I don't want my son to move across the country when he grows up, I have to play Checkers with him now.  If I want to enjoy seeing my grandchildren in 25 years, I had better give him hugs and kisses today.

 

Life gets so busy and everyone knows that I love a nap but it is more important to make sure that my son knows that I have time for him than to take a nap sometimes.  I miss that snuggle time that we used to have when he was younger.  I could wrap my arms around him and he would snuggle up to me and go to sleep in 5 minutes.  Now he's too big and too busy and sometimes too stinky!!  I really miss those days!! Like I said, it goes too fast.  Speed of light fast!!  If you have ever read the book "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch, you know the unconditional love that any good mother has for her children.  It's the kind of love that fills your entire heart.  It cannot be explained.  It can only be felt.  You feel it the moment you look into the face of your child for the first time. 

 

Okay so my point in all of this rambling is that our children get to be kids once and we only get one chance to be great parents.  Our words shape who they are and who they become.  Our time means more to our children than what we can give them materially.  We are responsible for their needs.  Their needs include not only clothing, food and shelter but also time! That is the one thing that costs us nothing but means so much. Spend time with your "babies" today!!  (Forever my baby you'll be.) 

Life Lesson #15,046-Let's Just Call Halloween What It Really Is

Let's just call Halloween what it really is.  It's begging.  Little people walking around the neighborhood in costumes and begging for candy.  Has anyone ever given these little people a trick instead of a treat?  Most of the people in our neighborhood are elderly and hate Halloween so the 5 houses that give out candy get swamped with people.  The kids that really try to dress up on Halloween, I love to see these kids coming.  They are so cute and I never mind giving out candy to these little beggars.  It's the 15-year old+ "kids" that I have a problem giving candy to.  The ones with deep voices and facial hair.  I am sorry if I am a Halloween Grinch but when your voice is deeper than Barry White's, you are probably too old to Trick or Treat.



Then there are the "kids" who don't even have on costumes and they drive themselves around the neighborhood.  Now if you can't even take the time to put on a mask, do you really think I should give you candy?  I mean I go to all the effort here!! I get in my car and drive to Target and get a few bags of candy to give to the sweet little children with the cute little costumes and you expect me to give you candy without even painting your face?  Wrong!! If you cannot even bother to put on a costume or even make one up, you probably shouldn't be Trick or Treating.



The one that really drove me over the edge was 2 years ago.  I am not kidding and you will think that I am lying, but I swear this is true.  One of the Trick or Treaters was about 8 months pregnant.  It was not part of her costume.  I saw this girls' actual pregnant belly.  Now y'all know that sometimes I may stretch the truth in this blog but this is no lie.  I have witnesses!! So here is another hint for ya...If you are about to deliver a baby, you probably shouldn't be out Trick or Treating.



Here is my thing.  My son is 13-years old and he hasn't Trick or Treated in several years. Not because I have told him that he is too old, too tall or too hairy but because even he knows better!  Honestly, would it be wrong to put up a sign with my list of expectations?  Maybe a sign stating something like this:  Do Not Trick or Treat Here If You 1.) Are older than 12-years old  2.) Aren't wearing a costume  3.) Are pregnant  4.) Drove yourself here.  Seriously, I want to give you a Trick if you are any of these things on this list!!  But, of course, I am a big ole chicken and don't want to have to pressure wash my house all day on Thursday because of my house getting egged so I will give your sorry, 17-year old, no costume wearing, pregnant self some candy!!



Now here is my dilemma.  I went to Party City to find my costume.  What will I choose?  The slutty nurse?  The slutty witch?  The slutty pirate?  The slutty devil?  Or just go as a slutty slut?

Happy Halloween, Everyone!!

Life Lesson #15,043-Let's Talk About Toys Part 2

Okay so yesterday we talked about children taking over our home with their "Stuff" and how toys are big and bold and then teeny tiny with many parts.  Today we are going to talk about board games.  The bane of my existence.  Am I the only person in history to hate board games?  I think they should be called bored games.  I can't stand hate them!!  So guess what?  I have a son who loves, loves, loves Monopoly.  These games can go on for hours.  I hate Checkers but I could usually mop the floor with him in a few minutes.  Then he took up Chess.  I am not cerebral enough for Chess.  I've never won a game of Chess.  That makes me hate it more.  Seriously though, board games are the worst.  If you bring one out at a party that I attend, you will see me go hide in the kitchen.  I even hate those games that are played at bridal and baby showers.  I am so sorry if I offend you (Well, not really.) but I refuse to play them.  I mean, I already bought you a darn gift, took the time to wrap it and deliver it to your shower, usually held on Saturday or Sunday afternoon during my nap time and now you want me to play a game?? Really?  Open your gift and give me a micro piece of cake.  What's up with the size of the pieces of cake at showers?  Why are they so small?  I spent $75 on your gift and all I get is 1/6 of a piece of cake and some stale mints?  COME ON!! 


Anyway, now that my son is older, his "Toys" have become increasingly more expensive.  His birthdays used to cost us $20 plus a birthday party but now we cannot afford the birthday parties anymore because his gifts are so expensive!!  When "Toys" turn into electronics, then you are in trouble.  He wanted a pair of those headphones that everyone is using now.  Sure, honey, I'll get you some. Let's go.  WHAT???  They cost how much???  Are you kidding me??  Headphones??  Those little ear buds work fine, right??  Here, how about these Panasonic ones??  Even the Bose headphones are cheaper!!  What does Dr. Dre know about sound that Bose doesn't know?  This guy is a freaking genius.  He has actually convinced people that he knows more than Bose!!  Every teenage boy has these earphones.  From $200-over $300 a pop, this guy is killing it!!  Freaking genius!! Toys are just medium sized now but very expensive!!
 

I was going to talk about toys for Mommies tomorrow but I just realized that tomorrow is Saturday and I take Saturdays off.  Oh well...

Life Lesson #15,035-Childish Things We Love As Adults

Life Lesson #15,035-Childish Things We Love As Adults

We have all heard parents yelling at their toddlers to sit down, get down, settle down, quieten down, calm down etc.  We have all heard parents yelling at their teenagers to stand up, get up, speak up, perk up, sit up and shut up.  So what do we do when we are adults?  When we are small children, everything is down and when we are teenagers everything is up, right?  Have you all noticed that?  Well, I have figured out that the things that we absolutely loathed as children are luxuries when we are adults.


Have any of you complained about taking a bath since the age of 30?  I mean, if I have 30 extra minutes in the evenings there is nothing more relaxing than taking a nice, hot, bubble bath.  Just soaking in the tub and being quiet is absolute bliss!!  When we are children, we hate to stop what we are doing long enough to wash the sandbox and backyard residue off of our feet and behind our ears.  As adults, just being able to take a shower uninterrupted is nice, but a bath, Ahhhhhhhh. Add a good book or scented candles and I may just stay in that bathtub for longer than a half an hour!


How about taking a nap?  I remember laying in my bed for hours every day when I was little because I would not go to sleep.  I remember laying on a cot and watching all of the other kindergarteners sleep because I would not take a nap.  I do believe that if I were given a cot in a room full of 20 other people now that I absolutely would take that teacher up on her offer for me to sleep.  There is nothing better than a nap especially after all the kids are off to school and the house is quiet.  Oh and if it is rainy that is just an added bonus.  I can't imagine why I fought taking a nap so hard when I was a child because sometime between the age of 5 and 40 I became a lover of the nap.  Even if I have 15 things to get done during the day, I would just rather take a nap.  That load of clothes can just wait to be folded!!  I could nap on a bed, a couch, a chair, a hammock, a chaise lounger, a beanbag, a loveseat, a futon, a porch swing or a beach chair.  I have a friend who swears that the best naps ever are in her car in the parking lot of the local library.  I'm not brave enough to try sleeping in public but she has her Ph.D and she sees nothing wrong with it so maybe I should try it!!  If you see my car at the library in town, please don't knock on the window!  Zzzzzzzz!!