Lesson #15,094-Snow Days In The South

Okay, so we love snow here in The South.  Yes, we do!!  We do.  It's supposed to snow here.  If we are lucky we will get a quarter of an inch but every school and business within 50 miles will be closed.  The only reason that I want it to snow is so school will be closed.  I really would like to go back to bed this morning instead of driving carpool.  It's gonna be cold and wet and yucky!!  I wish every day that I drove carpool would be sunny and warm.  I absolutely hate cold weather.  That's why I love The South!!  I do not love the mad dash to the grocery store for milk and bread.  I, honest to goodness, needed bread and milk today but I intentionally didn't go to the grocery store because the very mention of snow by a local meteorologist means there will be bare shelves.  I will wait until tomorrow to get some.  If there happens to be any snow outside, it will be gone by sundown so maybe I will go tonight.  If, for some reason, there is a foot of snow outside later this morning, please someone bring me some bread and milk!!  Look we have stocked up on wine and Nutella so all is good with me.  It's the kid and the husband who may want to make a trip to the grocery store.

Okay so if you don't have to be on the roads today, I would suggest staying at home.  We Southerners cannot drive in anything but sunshine!!  Not snow or ice or sleet or even rain.  Well, some of us can drive in rain.  I, personally, cannot.  I hate driving in anything but clear conditions.  I also only like going to the grocery store in clear conditions.  I only like to watch sporting events in clear conditions.  Pretty much if anyone asks me to dance in the rain, I will say "Heck No" and look at you funny.  All of you who do dance in the rain, that is great but I hate drying my hair so it ain't gonna happen!!  Unless, of course, Channing Tatum wants to dance in the rain.  Then I will Suck It Up and dance!!!

Anyway.  Snow, come on so we can go back to bed!!!  Just enough so school is cancelled.  Then it can melt!!

Life Lesson #15,045 Southern Belle Rules

There are some rules that you should know about all of us Southern Belles.  We have a few hundred rules that we live by but I will only share the important ones for you.

 

1.  Every good Southern Belle owns at least one strand of pearls.
2.  Every good Southern Belle has her monogram on something that she owns.  (The more you have monogrammed, the better.)
3.  Every good Southern Belle owns many, many pairs of flip flops.  (You will need these year round.)
4.  Every good Southern Belle owns a crock pot or 4. (Yes, I have 4.  What of it?)
5.  We all own a Lilly dress. (If you have to ask who Lilly is then you are not Southern.)
6.  We all own a pair of cowgirl boots, just in case we ever need them.
7.  We all know what koozies are and we use them accordingly.
8.  We all own a wide brimmed hat.  You never know when you will be invited to The Derby or The Cup.
9.  We all own at least one pair of Sperrys.
10. Jack Rogers sandals.  Need I say more.
11. Every good Southern Belle knows the proper way to say Sugar and Darling.  If you say them like they are spelled then you aren't Southern. It's Sugah and Dahling.
12. We all know that a chandelier on a front porch is just...................................................fabulous!!!!
13. We all know what it means when we hear "I'm fixin' to".  (It means I'll do it directly.)  (Soon.)
14. Don't start anything with us that you don't want us to finish. (Like a fight.)
15. Good manners are not an option.  We write "Thank You" notes and mail them.
16. SEC football and ACC basketball. 'nuff said.
17. Every good Southern Belle knows how to throw a party.  We make sure that everyone else has food and drink before we will even consider having a mint julep.
18. Dogwoods are a tree and a flower.  Yes they are!! Yes they are!!
19. They are Lightnin' Bugs, not Fireflies.
20. Southern Belles can fry just about anything.
21. China should not be saved for special occasions.  It's Sunday.  That's special enough.
22. Southern Belles know the difference between a redneck, a hillbilly and white trash.
23. Southern Belles have their favorite literature on their coffee tables.  Southern Living and The Holy Bible.
24. Southern Belles own at least one item from a flea market.  We may lie and say we got it in Charleston or Savannah though.
25. When a Southern Belle says "Sweetie" or "Bless Your Heart", watch out!!  She just insulted you.
26. A man in a bow tie or a seersucker suit is SEXY!! Throw in a pair of cream colored Bucks and WOW, somebody is getting lucky tonight!
27. Southern Belles know the difference between a Ford and a Chevrolet.
28. Southern Belles know how to use charm to get something done. Especially things that we don't really want to do ourselves.
29. Southern Belles secretly wish that we could still wear those frilly Scarlett O'Hara dresses.
30. If you want a Southern Belle, build a plantation style house with real shutters and a long driveway. Plant some water oaks and put Spanish Moss in the trees and you will be married by sundown!! 

Life Lesson #15,044-What is a Southern Belle?

This blog post is all about what a Southern Belle really is.  Most people think of Scarlett O'Hara when they think of Southern Belles.  Let me just tell you what they really are.  A Southern Belle can ride her ATV and fish all day long and come home, take a shower, curl her hair and put on a dress and look like she has been at the spa all day.  A Southern Belle is made of sugar & spice and gunpowder & lead.  We are hard but soft.  We are sweet as sweet iced tea but don't piss us off.  We love with all of our heart.  We fight for what is right.  We share. We "Bless" people's hearts.  We can bake a mean Pound Cake and shoot a shotgun.  Just because we are wearing heels and a Lilly Pulitzer dress doesn't mean that we don't have a .38 special in our handbag.  Our families are our entire world.  You mess with one of our children, you better have your running shoes on!  We love our Southern Cities!  Cha'ston, Addlanta, S'vannah, Sha lotte, Row noke, Moe bill, and Clum bee ya.  Most of us drink sweet tea over ice.  Well, the civilized people do anyway!  We love college football and support our team by wearing a T-shirt with our good jeans and heels.  On Sunday, we are in the church of our childhood religion and in The South there are 3 religions, Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.  (Yes, I know they are all the same religion but in The South our denomination is our religion.)

Yes, we speak a little slower that the Yankees.  Yes, we speak sweeter than the Yankees, but we can insult someone and you will forget all about it just after we say "Bless her heart".  Example:  Her butt is so big, Bless Her Heart!  See?  It doesn't sound so bad, right?  We all "hate" gossip but if you don't fill us in on the latest gossip, then you must be up to no good yourself!!  When you leave the room, if you hear a peel of laughter when you leave the room, you probably had lipstick on your teeth and someone just blessed your heart!! We can recite Bible verses and curse words in a single breath.  We are intelligent enough to play dumb when we need to.

It is hot here so sundresses and ceiling fans are a must in the summertime.  Everyone has a porch of some kind at their house.  It may just be a small porch on the front, a wrap around porch or even a back deck but we all have somewhere to sit outside.  We are all familiar with the smell of mosquito repellant.  We all know what a bug zapper is and if you never splashed water on a bug zapper when you were a kid, don't do it now.  It won't be near as funny.

If you are a Southern Belle, you probably have a deep freezer.  You probably watched your mother can food when you were young.  You probably watched her make jelly and freeze vegetables.  I remember my mother screaming at me to get out of the kitchen when she was canning because she was always afraid that the pressure cooker would explode.  Since she never let me in the kitchen, I don't know how to can food. 

Listen, Southern Belles are very complex creatures.  If you are in need, we are there for you.  Even if we can't stand the sight of you, bless your heart!  We "speak" by throwing up a hand and waving.  If you don't "speak" back, you must be upset about something, bless your heart.  We know the importance of the changing of the seasons so we celebrate by making a big pot of soup on the first cool day of the year and we make homemade ice cream as soon as summer comes.  All good Southern Belles know this!!

If you are lucky enough to be a Southern Belle then you are blessed by God.  If you are lucky enough to be married to one, then YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH!!

 Tomorrow we shall talk about Southern Belle Rules...

Life Lesson #15,032-Leaving My Comfort Zone

Life Lesson #15,032-Leaving My Comfort Zone
When we landed in NY I knew I had left my comfort zone!! And I left it way behind.  Several states away.  Hundreds of miles away. Of course, it was overwhelming.  The buildings are tall.  The traffic is horrible.  These people talk funny.  But I swear I knew I was not in The South anymore when we got to our room and ordered room service.  I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and sweet potato fries.  My husband got a grilled cheeseburger and fries and my son got...(If you know him, you know what he got.)...chicken tenders and fries.  Oh and I ordered a big piece of key lime pie and chocolate chip cookies.  The server brought up the tray and uncovered the 3 meals and we all pulled up a chair and sat down.  Nope, we are not in The South anymore.  Hellmann's Mayonnaise and Dijon Mustard???  Where's my Dukes?  Where's my French's?  Oh Dear Lord, it is going to be a long 5 days!!






The next minute I knew we were not in The South anymore was when my husband looked at our Visa bill in the morning and realized that last night's room service chicken sandwich, hamburger and chicken tenders cost us a cool $130!!! What????????  I am not even kidding you!!  The food was a little overpriced and then there was the tax, delivery fee, hotel charges, on and on they go until it added up to $130!!  Needless to say, we didn't order room service again.  We got our lazy selves up and went to the restaurant inside the hotel even if we didn't feel like it!  Stuff is expensive in New York!

I have seen vandalism before.  I mean some of my so called "friends" decorated my yard for Christmas one year.  It was July!!  I have seen spray paint on trains and under bridges.  I have seen a yard get TP'd.  What I have never seen was a high end store get vandalized and these people didn't even try to clean it up!! Come on!! This is 5th Avenue not The Bronx!! I mean...Well just look for yourself...This is Bergdorf Goodman.  What a shame!!


I knew that I wasn't in small town, North Carolina anymore when I saw Queen Latifah on the street in Times Square, a few policeman on horseback posing for pictures with tourists, Spiderman in the street spinning his web and a TJ Maxx with a gold sign on a grand stone building.  Our TJ Maxx here is great and I love it but it is only one floor and made of brick.  No comparison to the one on Wall Street right beside the Stock Exchange! 

Of course, I have told you about being out of my comfort zone and talking to Muslims for the first time in my entire life and them actually being nice people and nothing like Achmed but guess what church is directly behind the Marriott in Times Square??? The Church of Scientology!!  Not a Baptist, Presbyterian or Methodist Church or even a Catholic Church but SCIENTOLOGY!!!  Okay, maybe I am being judgmental here but even their churches are spooky!! It actually looks more like a theater than a church.



There were many times that I was out of my comfort zone and actually enjoyed it but there was one last story that I was very uncomfortable outside of my comfort zone.  I am many things.  I am usually positive even in negative situations.  (Usually.  Hey, I'm human!)  I try to be friendly. I try to be funny.  I try to be compassionate. BUT...I am very opinionated.  I am a diehard Republican.  I am a card carrying member of the NRA.  I believe in Religious Freedom, The Right to Bear Arms and being fiscally conservative with my tax dollars.  That being said, I think God was testing my patience at the Statue of Liberty, of all places.  While waiting in line for tickets the lady in front of me started talking to me and telling me about how great the past 4 years have been and how great Obama is.  I bit my tongue until it almost bled!! I tried to change the subject to other things like, ya know, the weather, the sky, dirt, ANYTHING but the great Obama!!  It always led back to us needing 4 more years.  Over and over and over.  Then she totally lost me.  She told me she was from Israel.  I wanted to punch her in the throat.  I thought I was talking to an American and letting her have her "Freedom of Speech" and being nice. I did not say anything against her political beliefs. I mean, it isn't my place to try and change anyone's mind about their political beliefs. God does have a sense of humor, doesn't He??!! Hahahaha!!

Okay, I'm a little sick of talking about New York and frankly, I just don't want to anymore.  It was a great visit and I saw a lot and learned a lot but I wouldn't ever want to live there.  I love The Carolinas and never want to live anywhere else!!

Life Lesson #15,029-It's Great To Be In America

Life Lesson #15,029-It's Great To Be In America
Whew. It is so good to be home and back in America, where everyone speaks English (or Spanish) and most people are friendly.  Ahh, yes.  The good ole United States of America.  Hang on, wait.  I was just informed that New York City IS, in fact,  part of the United States.  WHAT??  Nobody speaks English!!! Oh and most people have no sense of humor.  Nobody smiles at you on the street.  Nobody throws up a hand at you when you are in the car.  Oh and they blow their horns at each other constantly.  On our way to the airport our cab driver only blew his horn 4 times but one of them lasted for about 23 seconds so it should really count for more than just one time.  Here in The South, if you blow your horn for more than .04 of a second you may get your butt beat! Up in New York, they use their horns as a form of communication.  One cab driver said that there was a fine of $100 for using your horn for any other reason than warning of danger.  All I have to say is that New York would have streets paved in platinum if they really enforced that law. 

There were a few life lessons that I learned on my trip.  The first one was in the airplane on the way there.  We sat 2 rows behind First Class, in Coach, or as my son calls it, "Low Class".  Honestly, there were 12 people in first class and they got their own bathroom.  All of us in Low Class were warned not to use "their" bathroom.  We were told to use the bathroom in our section of the plane. (Umm.  Isn't that discrimination?) Then as the plane ascended to cruising altitude an attendant pulled a mesh curtain.  WE CAN STILL SEE YOU!! The curtain is mesh, not a thick velvet or even a nice damask!!  MESH!!!  With mesh curtains, you can still smell all of us smelly people back here in Low Class.  You can still hear us.  You even have to look at us if you look behind you so was it really worth the extra money you had to fork out to sit 2 rows ahead of me?  Yes they get a wider seat and an itty, bitty pillow but so what?  I can roll up my jacket and have a pillow too!!  Then later I was talking to my son and we were talking about how airlines board planes.  I said that I would never understand why they didn't board the planes back to front.  I mean, it would go much quicker.  Then he said that he could not figure out why first class was in the front of the aircraft because you have a better chance of living, in the event of a plane crash, in the back of the plane.  That boy has a point!! Since First Class always boards first anyway, why not put them at the back of the plane where it is safest?  That way the first class passengers wouldn't have to have all of us low class passengers walking past them and smelling up their part of the cabin and they would have a better chance of living in case of a plane crash. Well, just so ya'll First Class passengers know, a flight attendant gave my son a FREE pair of earphones!!  Free BABES!! Yes!!

Y'all come back tomorrow for some more life lessons that I learned while we visited New York. Rednecks in the Big City, Baby!!!