Lesson #15,088-Sick Kid=No Nap For Mom

Okay, so you all know how Big Mama loves her naps.  Well, on days when a sick kid is at home, there will be no nap.  There will be medicine given to the child.  There will be food delivered to the child.  There will be multiple drinks delivered to the child but no nap.  A sick child in my house gets quarantined to the bedroom so that the rest of the family doesn't get blessed with germs.  Let's just tell the truth here.  The kid gets quarantined to the bedroom so I don't have to hear the whining all day.  The kid also gets banned from the living room so I don't have to watch Adventure Time all day either.  Oh how I despise that show!!  So off to the bedroom with ya, Kid!!  I wish that I could send the Hubby to the guest bedroom when he has the dreaded Man Cold but he makes the house payment so he gets to lay around whatever room he wants to and watch whatever he wants on TV.  I usually banish myself to the bedroom when he is sick.

Anyway, so with a sick kid in the bedroom, I don't usually get to do my day to day things like going to Pilates, grocery shopping or taking a nap.  No nap for mom means that mom has to stay awake all day and do stupid things like laundry or dishes.  There is no lunching with friends.  There is no talking on the phone endlessly and there is certainly NO NAP!!  I have to stay awake all day tending to the sickness.  And who thought it was a good idea for my 13-year old to have a cell phone?  Oh, that was me but when he is sick all that boy does is text me his orders.

Son:  "Mom, can you bring me a drink?"
Me:   "Okay."

Son:  "Mom, can you make me a sandwich?"
Me:   "Okay."

Son:  "Mom, can I watch TV?"
Me:   "Okay."

Son:  "Mom, can I watch a movie?"
Me:   "Okay."

Son:  "Mom, can you bring me another drink?"
Me:   "Okay."

Son:  "Mom, I feel like I'm gonna be sick.  Can I leave this room?"
Me:   "Okay."
Me:   "Hang on, wait.  I will bring you a trash can."

You get the picture. Right?  No rest for Mom when a sick child is in the house.  But here is the good news.  I have all of the laundry caught up.  Well, until the sick child comes out of his room.  Then the Lysol comes out.  Then the laundry begins for the bed linens.  Then the decontamination of the sick kids' bedroom.  Do you know what that kid did?  There are snotty tissues all over the floor!  I mean, who am I?  Do I look like the Haz Mat team?  Well, yes I did.  I had the full Haz Mat suit on.  Booties and mask and all!!  I don't want that crud jumping onto me!!  Looks like there will not be a nap today either!!  Ugh!!!

Lesson #15,087-What's Your Favorite Medicine?

We all have a favorite drug, right?  Some of us have a go-to drug like Excedrin Migraine or Tylenol PM.  Some of us go to Benedryl at night to help with sleep.  Some of us are lucky enough to have an insurance policy that covers Ambien!  Some of us are not that fortunate so we HAVE to take Benedryl.  No.  I'm not bitter about it.  Really I am not.  Really.  (Stupid Blue Cross Blue Shield!!!)

Some of us have a favorite drug to keep us from ripping the heads off of everyone who pisses us off.  I would like to know how many lives have been saved by Xanax and Valium.  I know that people have overdosed on these drugs but these drugs have probably saved a lot of husbands from being hacked to death in their sleep for making that whistling noise with their noses.  You know that noise, right?  Annoying, right?

Some of us have aches and pains so we have a go-to pain killer.  Some of us have insomnia so we have a go-to sleep medicine.  Some of us have attitude problems so we have a go-to nerve medicine!  The older I get, the fuller my medicine box gets!  Aches and pains get more frequent.  Sleep?  What's that?  Attitude problems?  Well, I've always had that.  Can't blame that on age.  Why medicate it, since it's part of who I am, right?  If I took a pill every time I wanted to lock someone in my trunk in a rolled up carpet, I would probably be too medicated to drive to the edge of town.

Okay, so some of us have real serious issues that we have to take medicine for every day.  If you know me, you know that I have Crohn's Disease so I have to take anti-inflammatory medicines every day.  Believe me, that anti-inflammatory is not my favorite medicine.  The pills are large.  I have to take 3 at the time.  I have to take it 3 times a day.  I don't even catch a buzz from taking so many pills a day!! What fun is that?  I mean, really.  Who wants to be full of pills and not feel good?

Some of you have probably never taken a nerve pill.  Ever!  Ever!  So, what are you waiting for?  I see these people every day.  These are the people who go crazy over having to wait in a line for 2 minutes.  These are the people who have road rage.  All of us medicated people are just chillin' in the back of the line.  We don't care if it is going to take 30 seconds for the cashier at McDonald's to get us a cheeseburger.  We will get it when we get it.  We are not huffing and puffing in traffic and screaming at other drivers.  No.  We are just waiting in traffic and singing to the radio.  Yep.  We are those people.  Happy, Happy, Happy!!!

Okay, so don't be judging people who take meds to feel better, stay calm or relax.  If you have to drink coffee or smoke cigarettes, you know how we feel!!  Now, I hope you all have a great day!! Don't forget to get your prescriptions refilled.  We don't need you walking around like that!!

Lesson #15,086-Pajamas

Ya know?  I have been outspoken, in the past, about people wearing their pajamas in public.  Everywhere you go you see someone wearing pajamas.  Walmart-Yep.  CVS-Yep.  The Mall-Yep.  Pajama Offenders are everywhere!!  There are even people wearing their fuzzy slippers with their pajamas out in public now.  I have never been a fan of wearing anything less than sweatpants in public but after the holidays, I am considering giving in.  I mean, pajamas are not as inappropriate as booty shorts or tube tops.  You can't see through my plaid pajama bottoms.  I would never wear a cami out in public like I do at home.  I would wear a sweatshirt with my pajama bottoms.  I would never wear my robe out in public because I do have standards.  Yes, I do!  I would never wear my fuzzy slippers out in public because I don't own any fuzzy slippers.

Seriously, my pajamas are so comfortable especially since I have been on hiatus from Pilates for the past couple of weeks!!  They have that stretchy waistband and the ribbon drawstring that is oh so forgiving!!  I could gain another 20-25 pounds and my pajamas probably would not even strain to be pulled up over my hips!!  Oh, how I love my pajamas!  My favorite pair are pink, black and gray plaid with the pink ribbon drawstring.  They usually match any shirt that I have worn all day so I just peel off the jeans that are too tight and pull on the comfy pajamas and I am set!!  My soon-to-be sister-in-law,Angie, gave me a pair of fuzzy pink socks for Christmas last year and I love them.  They keep my feet warm until I get into bed and then those have to come off because I can't stand socks on my feet in bed.  Anyway, why not just hop out of bed and go to Wal-Mart like everyone else?  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  Right??  Now who is with me??  Dana?  Kim?  Angela?  You Hookers know y'all want to wear pajamas to Wal-Mart!!  (If I don't lose some of this Christmas weight, all I am going to be able to squeeze into is my favorite pair of  forgiving pajamas.  For Reals!!)

"Always dress like you're going to see your worst enemy"-Kimora Simmons   

 

Lesson #15,085-What's Up With RUDE People?

Why are people so rude nowadays?  Really?  At the grocery store, the teenager bagging my groceries is talking to the cashier about how he can't wait to get out of here.  RUDE!!  Well, why not just clock out now and get out?  Oh, you need the money?  Then why don't you just bag my groceries and shut up? 
(If you don't know who this is, go to YouTube and look up Bon Qui Qui.)

It doesn't get any better when you go into a high end boutique. These sales clerks act like you are bothering them if you ask them a question or want to try on a piece of clothing or shoes.  I mean, if I am going to possibly buy something and you get paid on commission then you should be very happy to help me.  You should even make suggestions as to what would look good on me, even if you are full of crap! You are working in retail.  You have no reason to be RUDE!!  I have walked out of a boutique when the clerk proceeded to tell me how to look through the clothing on the rack.  I mean, if I cannot file through the stuff that I don't want, to look at the stuff that I might want, then it is probably too delicate to go into my disaster of a closet!!  She actually stood there watching me filing through the clothing on the rack and told me 3 different times how I was doing it wrong!!  I am a professional shopper!! I know how to look at the damn clothes!!  Hello!!  I may have told her what she could do with her clothes on the way out the store and we had a teen girl with us.  I felt bad but that lady was so RUDE, I wouldn't have bought a bottled water from her if it were 130 degrees outside and I was dying of thirst!!

I really hate walking in a store like CVS and putting my 2 items on the counter and the clerk just keeps doing what he or she is doing like I am not standing there.  Why are you ignoring me when I know that you see me standing here?  Sometimes they will even turn and say, "I will be right with you" and they keep putting boxes on the shelf.  Umm. That can wait.  I'm in a hurry!  I've got to get to carpool!  I've got to get home!  I've got to pee!  Anything!!!  Just come over here and do your job!!  RUDE!!

You know that you have had rude sales people before.  We all have.  I just wonder if rudeness is getting worse.  Maybe it is because of technology.  So many people are growing up without people skills because of email and texting.  You no longer have to speak to people face to face.  Social Media may also have something to do with it.  So many people put everything out there for everyone to see.  If you are arguing with your cousin, mother-in-law or even your spouse, you don't need to tell everyone that you are "Friends" with on Facebook or Twitter.  When you have 800 "Friends" on Social Media, it probably isn't a good idea to "Share" everything that is going on with your life.  Buy a journal and write about it all day long.  You can burn the journal but you cannot ever take away what you write on the Internet and it is rude to share that stuff online.  Your opinion is the only one that gets shared.  RUDE!!

It is rude to go to lunch with someone and talk on your phone the entire time or text.  If you are talking to someone and your phone rings, look to see if it is someone who you can call back.  If so, call them back later or even ask if you can call them back and hang up as soon as possible.  We may see our kids texting at the dinner table and we have to stop them from doing it so we shouldn't do it either. Also, when standing in line at Starbucks, please don't talk on your phone LOUDLY.  Nobody cares what you did this past weekend.  Unless you are a doctor and you are shouting orders to someone to help save a life, it is not necessary to speak on your mobile phone loudly!!  Let's all agree to stop taking these people being rude to us and we all need to be able to speak up.  There is never a time when being rude is acceptable except for a time when you are being rude to.  No more rudeness!! It's RUDE!!!

Lesson #15,084-Public Restrooms!!!!

What is the deal with public restrooms?  There is always a wait for the restroom if you are in the Women's line.  If builders would put a changing station in the Men's room, maybe the wait at McDonald's wouldn't be so long!!  Men are not handicapped.  They can change a diaper!!  Oh and what is up with the number of stalls that women have at concerts, ballgames, races and at the circus?  Men and women attend these events so why not give us twice as many stalls as the men have?  I mean, we have to wait, go in the stall, pull our pants down, squat, pee and wipe.  Then we go and actually wash our hands because we aren't disgusting like men are.  It takes us at least three times as long to go so why make us wait so long?  Men go in, unzip, pee and shake.  Some of them wash their hands and some even use soap but they still don't take as long as we do so give us more stalls!!! 

Heaven forbid a woman actually has an emergency and has to go quickly!!!  If you even think about cutting in line, a usually peaceful and sweet woman will CUT you!!  You can't cut in line in the grocery store so what makes you think that you are gonna get past a woman in line to pee?  It ain't gonna happen!  DO NOT make a woman mad when she has to pee!!  Trust me on this!!  Especially if that woman has given birth to a child.  She is already holding it in as hard as she can.  She will wet her pants to whoop your butt!
 

I went to see James Taylor at our local outdoor amphitheater and all of the restrooms were out of order so they had about 15-20 porta johns all along the back fence and the men and women were waiting in line together.  Now these porta johns didn't even have a light so we were all peeing in the dark.  You can imagine how gross that was already and there were women who refused to go in the dark porta johns and were peeing behind every "stall".  That was horrible!!  Thank God I always carry my trusty "Charmin To Go" in my purse so I had toilet paper.  I never go anywhere without it!!  Even if I have a teeny purse, I have my Charmin To Go roll in my purse.  You will never catch me without TP!!  Thank you, Charmin, for that little roll of Heaven!!

Speaking of toilet paper.  Why is it that every public restroom only has one-ply toilet paper?  We use twice as much so you should just buy the good stuff!!  And those HUGE rolls!! They do not unroll!!  You pull and pull and you only get two tickets each time you pull!!  When you get two tickets each time and you are pulling one-ply toilet paper, it takes a long time to get enough toilet paper to wipe clean.

My least favorite thing about a public restroom is children.  If they are in the stall next to someone they have to look under the stall at you.  If they knock on the stall door and you say that it is occupied, they have to look under the door just to see if you are serious.  Oh and my most favorite memory is taking my son in the stall with me and the lady "next door" lets out a little toot and my son says, LOUDLY, "Mom, did you hear that lady fart?" and then giggles for the next 30 minutes.  Oh how embarrassing!!  That's why children are my least favorite thing about a public restroom!!  But don't even get me started on the huge crack between the door and the wall!!! Everyone waiting in line can see you peeing!!!!! UGH!!

Lesson #15,083-Waking a Teenage Boy is Like Waking a Sleeping Bear

Whew.  We are back into the ole routine of setting the alarm clock, getting up early and dragging the teenager out of bed kicking and screaming!!  Yes, my normally sweet, thoughtful and respectful teenage boy is raging lunatic when I go to wake him up in the mornings.  He is an absolute joy during the day and at night.  He is funny and kind.  He is thoughtful and a true joy after 8am and all the way until 6:50am.  He will talk back and kick and cover his head and say really mean things when you are trying to get him out of the bed in the morning.  The kid is not a morning person.  I can say that he gets this very honest, from me!! I hate being woken up in the morning.  I hate the alarm clock.  I hate the telephone if it rings before the alarm goes off.  I hate anyone who wakes me up before it is absolutely necessary that I am up. Grrrrrr!

Once he gets up and into the shower, he is quiet.  Then he takes a 30 minute shower and there is no reasoning with him until he gets out and gets dressed and brushes his teeth.  Then he walks out to the car and usually gets into the back seat and lays down until he gets to school.  Then he gets out of the car and skulks into school.

Hopefully by the time he gets to homeroom and has to say the Pledge of Allegiance, he will not be adding any swear words. I haven't gotten any phone calls from school yet so he must not be swearing during the Pledge!  Okay, I have got to go and get the angry bird dressed and taken to school!!  Joy, Joy!!

Lesson #15,082-So This Is 2013?

2013 has started off pretty well so far, for me!!  My Gamecocks won the Outback Bowl yesterday and everyone gets a free bloomin' onion today!  You're welcome!!  Who wanted free coconut shrimp anyway? NOBODY!!  That's what you would have gotten if that other team had won.  2013 should be lucky for everyone!! 13 is supposed to be a lucky number.  It used to be an unlucky number but for some reason now it is a lucky number.  Didn't we not have a 13th floor in tall buildings because it was an unlucky number?  Oh well, it is going to be a great year!!  I am claiming it right now!!

Anyway, today is the day that the children go back to school.  Can I get a Hallelujah from all the moms?  "Hallelujah"!!  Oh come on, you know you said it!! Okay, really I didn't want them to go back to school today either.  Setting the alarm clock for the first time in 2 weeks was really horrible!!  I absolutely HATE waking up to an alarm, especially if I am having a really great dream.  I am mad at whatever wakes me up from a really great dream! 


This year I am going to try to stay on a "Schedule of Order".  Yes, I named it that.  I will be changing sheets on a certain day every week.  I am not one of those people who vacuums every day.  I do, however, love me some clean floors.  I vacuum all of my floors, even the hardwoods and the tile floors.  I hate a broom because I can never get all of the dirt into the dustpan.  I'm going to try to be a better housekeeper.  If you have ever been to my house, you know that I have a clean house but I have small piles of mail or magazines or whatever stacked here and there and it drives me insane!!  My husband does the same thing.  His piles drive me crazy and my piles drive him crazy.  Well, we cleaned up most of his piles yesterday and I guess that my piles are next! LOL!! I love cookbooks so I have a shelf in my kitchen full of cookbooks.  I am a sucker for a church cookbook so I have one from almost every denomination in North Carolina!  That shelf is a point of contention between my husband and I.  I love every cookbook and he hates the entire shelf!!








Let's all claim that 2013 is going to be our year!!  Even if it started off wrong so far, let's all reclaim it!!  Keep reclaiming it every day if you have to!!  As we say here in the South, "Doggone it"!!!  YES, 2013 WILL BE A GREAT YEAR!!!  Of course, I haven't left the house since 2012 so let's just hope that my big plans for a great year aren't ruined by the outside world today!! I've got to drive carpool this week and it's gonna be great!!!  Well, the afternoon shift will be anyway!  I hate the morning shift!  I have to go to the grocery store today so I proclaim that I will not get behind any extreme couponers!!  I proclaim that anytime that I need gas this year that it will be sunny and 70 degrees!!  I proclaim that I have at least one hour per day to look at a Pottery Barn or Restoration Hardware catalog!!  I proclaim that from now on my body will not absorb any calories from Nutella!!  I proclaim that this year is gonna be the year that I become a size 4 again!!  Oh who am I kidding?  I proclaim to take more naps!!!  It's 2013 so let's do this!!!!!!