Lesson #15,108-Losing Weight Sucks!

Okay, so it was really fun putting on the extra pounds so why is it not as much fun taking them off?  I mean, sweating and moving and eating lettuce really does suck.  I hate it!!  I wish I was one of those people who enjoys eating healthy food and working out and running but alas I'm Not!!  If you see me running, you had better run too.  Something is chasing me!!


I heard on TV that breastfeeding burns 500-600 calories a day.  I tried to get my son to breastfeed but he said that would be weird.  I guess at 13-years old it would be embarrassing.  Geez!  I mean, I could eat a meatball sub every day if my selfish child would just breastfeed!!

VERSUS   
Having sex burns about 80 calories.  Hardly seems worth it.  Sleeping burns over 500 calories over 8 hours so why not get more sleep?  If I could sleep 8 hours at night and take a 4 hour nap during the day I could burn 750 calories a day just by sleeping!!  Now that is my kind of workout!!





How many calories does lounging around burn?  How many calories does petting the kitty burn?  How many calories does writing a daily blog burn?  How about walking to the refrigerator to get another glass of wine?  How about getting a pedicure?  These are the activities that I need to know about!!  Folding laundry has got to burn calories.  Cooking dinner has to burn calories too.  Eating Nutella has got to burn calories, right?



Ahh the joys of losing weight.  Well, let me go get my celery stick and tofu.  Just kidding.  I'm going back to bed!!  Okay, seriously.  I'm going to Pilates!! Get ready, Jill!!

Life Lesson #15,004-Lies I tell my personal trainer.

Life Lesson #15,004-Lies I Tell My Personal Trainer.  You know that you all have done it.  Whether or not you have lied to a personal trainer, you have definitely lied to someone because you didn't want to be somewhere.  You know it's true.  Here are a few lies I have told my personal trainer because honestly, I just wanted to go back to bed in most cases.

#1 I have my period and I don't feel well because I am losing so much blood.  Truth:  I have an IUD and I haven't had a period in 5 years!!
#2 I have a flat tire.  Truth:  I have never been fortunate enough to have a flat tire on a day that I have personal training.  Believe me I have ran over glass, nails, sticks, boards and scrap metal in the road trying to puncture my tires!
#3 My Botox needs time to settle. Truth:  Now y'all already know that I get Botox but it doesn't take 3 days to settle.
#4 I'm stuck in traffic. Truth:  I am so comfortable on this couch and don't want to miss Matt Lauer's next segment on the Today Show.
#5 I can't find my purse and my car keys are in it.  Truth:  I am looking directly at my purse and car keys. I would rather go back to bed this morning.
#6 I drank too much last night and I am feeling nauseous.  Truth:  I only drank water with lime in it so people would think I was having a cocktail.
#7 I have to go to a closing at my attorney's office and I am not sure how long it will take.  Truth:  I know how long it will take and I know that it only takes 5 minutes to sign a couple of papers and then I will be free for the morning since I don't have to go to the gym.
#8 The fire alarm went off and now I have to wait on the firemen to get here before I can leave.  Truth:  This really happened yesterday but it is a great excuse to use today.
#9 I have an upset stomach.  It may be the stomach flu.  Truth:  I really want to go to the mall with my BFF because Nordstrom is having their Half Yearly Sale and if you say "stomach flu" nobody wants to be around you!!
#10 I have a mandatory meeting with my son's math teacher.  Truth:  I am meeting a friend (who used to teach math) at the Waffle House for some eggs that are smothered, covered and chunked!!

Now, I think that my trainer knows that I am lying every time but she is too sweet to say that she knows.  Yes, I know it is wrong to lie.  Yes, I know that it is breaking one of the Ten Commandments.  I just can't help myself sometimes.  I have to lie because my trainer has a 24-hour cancellation policy.  If it's not an emergency she will charge you for the session!! Honey, she don't play!! I just realized that she is a "Friend" on Facebook therefore she has seen pics of me at Nordstrom shopping and she knows that I was really eating at Waffle House because my other "Friend" posted pics of our 10,000 calorie breakfast.  I'm waiting on her to bust me on my next lie.  I've really got to come up with some more good ones.  I think I have used all the ones that normal people use.  I'm going to have to Google some more lies to tell her because she wants me to ride that crazy bike before my workout on Friday.  Y'all help!!  So my Life Lesson for today really is: Don't tell lies to your personal trainer and then post pics that could incriminate yourself on social media!!