Lesson #15,103-I Had To Ask!!

Okay, so I asked a question on my Facebook page.  The question that I asked was "What did your Mama use to whoop your butt with?".  The number one answer was a hairbrush!!  I was shocked!  Being from The South, I was certain that the number one answer would be a flip flop!!  If you have ever been swatted with a flip flop, you know what that sting feels like.  Some of us got swatted with a fly swatter.  Some of us got swatted with a wooden spoon.  Some of us just got a regular ole swat with the hand!!  Either way, we all got whooped!!  Not one person said "My Mama didn't whoop me" or "I got Time Out when I was a kid".  Nope, not one person!! 

Why is it that none of us ever got "Time Out"?  I can tell you why!!  These kids nowadays have a darn (800) number to call if they get whooped!  Why didn't we have an (800) number to call?  I mean, my Mama pulled her car over on the side of the road and whooped my butt right there on the highway!  She didn't try to hide the fact that she was whooping me!  She didn't wait until we got home.  She did it right there in public!  On the side of the road!!  Of course, I don't think I ever sassed her again.  I knew better.

My husband told me a story about when he was young and he and his brothers were fighting in the car.  His Dad had enough of the boys being loud and trying to kill each other so he pulled the car over on the highway and made all of them get out and he drove away.  Luckily, his Mother was in the car and after about 15 minutes she made his Dad go back and pick them up!  My husband wasn't raised here in The United States but he said that they didn't have an (800) number to call either! 

These kids today are so lucky to have that (800) number!!  I have a feeling that if we all had that (800) number when we were kids, none of us would have had any parents!!  We all would have been raised by Foster Parents!  Okay, so I am not talking about real abuse.  I am talking about a few pops on the rear end when we deserved it.  Honestly, I can remember just the fear of the paddle that hung in the office of the school keeping me out of trouble.  We used to hear rumors about being paddled by the principal at school.  I remember hearing the "horror" stories.  Someone said that the paddle had holes in it.  This was supposed to make it sting more because it could travel faster through the air on the way to your butt!!  There was also a rumor about how the principal would wet the paddle to make it sting against your skin.  I swear that I only remember one person ever getting a paddling in school but his stories were so scary that the rest of us behaved ourselves in class so we didn't have to get paddled!!

So, what did your Mama or Daddy whoop you with??  Did you ever get paddled in school??  Can y'all believe that I never got paddled in school?  That's probably what's wrong with me today!! 

Lesson #15,102-Unexpected "Joys" of Parenting

Okay, so there are many, many firsts that go along with being a mother that you expect but there are some that are totally unexpected!!  Before I had a child, I was sure of the wet spot on the carpet.  I knew exactly what it was and how to clean it but after having a child, you can never be sure if it is spilled apple juice or pee.  Never trust the child to give you the truthful answer!!  If there is gooey, sticky stuff ground into the carpet you can bet it is probably the gummy bear that you gave the child a week ago but who can be sure now??

When I was young, staying up all night was much different than staying up all night with a baby.  Well, maybe not that different.  Babies drink, get sleepy and puke.  Maybe it is the same!!  This time I am the one getting puked on!!  Everyone wonders why moms of babies either cut their hair short or wear a ponytail all of the time.  Well, here is your answer...We don't enjoy the smell of puke in our hair!!  Everyone thinks that babies are helpless little creatures but in reality they are very savvy little boogers!  They will find a way to ruin your favorite dress.  Ever had your hair pulled by someone who is angry at you?  Well, that was nothing compared to having your hair pulled by a baby.  You WILL walk away with a bald spot!!

I never thought I would have to tell someone not to lick the TV.  I never thought I would sanitize pacifiers, bottles and toys only to have the child chew on his shoe.  I never thought I would get so excited to hear my child's first word and now wonder if they let him speak at school because when he gets into the car in the afternoon, he cannot shut up!!  I never thought dumb or stupid were bad words until my toddler said them.  For some reason those words don't sound very good coming from a 3-year old!  Being the stellar example that I am I had to clean up my language around the toddler because they repeat every word that you say!  Yes, one of my son's first words was $hi+!! Oh Goodness!!!!

I never thought I would spend my days vacuuming cookie crumbs from under the couch cushions.  I never thought I would throw a towel over sheets that have been peed on and tell my toddler to go back to bed!  (Don't judge!!  Big Mama needs her sleep!) I never knew that milk could solidify in a sippy cup.  I found one under my son's bed and I wasn't even sure how long it had been there!!  (Apple juice molds!!)  I never thought I would tire of cleaning those cute little hand prints off of glass doors, windows, walls and every other surface that is 3 ft. tall!! Yet, after a few thousand times, I DID!!!  Do you know that cleaning projectile vomit from those little cracks in the TV speakers, is not that fun!!  Never underestimate a child with a Blow Pop.  Never leave a 2-year old and a cat alone in a room.  One of them will end up with scratches and bite marks and the baby may get hurt too.

With all of that said, I don't want my child to think that I don't love him and that I would not do it all over again if I had to because I would!  My son has added so much love and joy to my life.  The day he was born and I looked into his little face, I thought my heart would explode.  He was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen.  Still is.  There have been more wonderful unexpected joys than bad ones.  Plus, if I didn't have to clean vomit from the TV speakers with a toothpick, I wouldn't be writing this blog!!  So, Thank you, son for puking across the room and into the TV speakers!! Mwaah!!

Lesson #15,101-The "Honey Do" List

Okay, so my "Honey Do" List got way too long so I had to Rent-a-Man.  This man came to my house, fixed my ceiling fan, that was about to fall out of the ceiling, my pantry door that sticks, patched the wall in the hall, and the list goes on and on.  Do you know that he never once complained about having to do everything on that list??  If he was rich, good looking, had all of his teeth, didn't smell of cigarettes and had his driver's license, I might just have ran away with him!  But alas, my husband is good looking, has all of his teeth, doesn't smoke, has his driver's license and has enough money for me to stay.  Poor man!! 

The Honey Do List seems to grow longer and longer every year that we are in this house.  Don't get me wrong, I love my house and am so thankful for a nice roof over my head but being in this house for 7 years, stuff needs repairing!!  The walls are looking dingy and are in need of repainting.  Caulking cracks.  Grout gets dirty.  Stuff around the house needs to be done and it is stuff that I don't know how to do and a man with an MBA and a full-time job has no idea how to do so what do we do??  Rent-A-Man!! 

Some day I may even have to Rent-A-Man to build me a shoe closet.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man to put a covering over my back porch.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man to build one of those fire pits with the glass rocks.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man who will just do laundry and dishes!!!  Are there men out there who actually do laundry and dishes?  Oh well.  In the meantime, I will just keep my man since he allowed me to Rent-A-Man!!!

Lesson #15,100-Humans Are Funny!

Okay, so I mean so-called "Civilized Humans" are funny.  Why do we do the things that we do?  For example, why do we plant grass and then when it grows, we cut it?  Didn't we plant it so it would grow?  I bet if you brought a person from the bush to the subdivision they would think we were crazy!!  We plant pretty things in our yard.  They plant food to survive.

Monkeys preen each other and yes once every six weeks or so we get preened by the hairdresser but these monkeys not only preen each other but they also eat whatever bugs are crawling in their fur.  I could save lots of money on groceries if we had fleas!! 
(HUMANS???)
We keep animals as pets.  People in the bush don't have purebred dogs to keep them company.  If they have dogs they are for protection and sometimes for food.  Now I'm not saying we should eat Fido but I bet the bushmen would think we were crazy for having little dogs and dressing them up like babies.  Many people have what used to be considered livestock as pets now.  Some people have goats and pigs living in their house.  The bushmen would have cooked the pot-bellied pig for dinner!  Our animals are spoiled rotten.  I mean worse than our children sometimes.  Pets don't talk back to us like our children do!!
(AWWWWW)
Humans put out bird feeders just to watch the birds.  I am telling you that is a mistake!!  We had a bird feeder on our back porch a few years ago and those little greedy bastards would fight over the birdseed and then they would tell their other little birdie friends about the free food and they would bring their families over to eat and then they would poop all over our deck.  My husband has no tolerance for the freeloading birds so he made me move the bird feeder out to the backyard.  Then the squirrels started!!  Did you know that squirrels are intelligent little creatures?  They weren't happy with the little bit of birdseed that would come out slowly as they ate it so they would hang upside down from the bird feeder and shake it until all of the birdseed fell onto the ground and those greedy little boogers would eat it all up!!  We had the fattest squirrels in the neighborhood!  My husband had enough and has "forbidden" me to buy any more birdseed!!
(FREELOADERS!!) 
We have indoor plumbing and complain about the water bill.  We have electricity and complain about the electric bill.  We have to wear clothes and shoes and we complain about having to pay for them.  Oh! Wait! That is just my husband complaining about how much I spend on shoes!!!  And while we are talking about shoes, why do us women folk wear high heeled shoes?  Yes they look cute but OUCH!!!  No foot was designed to be shaped that way.  We do it in the name of fashion!!  We also paint our nails.  Seriously, we are funny creatures!!
(Yes, Please!! Shoes make me happy.  I'm superficial.  Whatever!!)

Lesson #15,099-$H!T I'm Doing Wrong Part Deux

Okay, so I am doing stuff wrong to be Super Mom.  Yesterday I talked about how my cabinets and linen closets are a mess.  My clothes closet does not look like it is supposed to either.  My shoes are not lined up in an orderly fashion.  I wear whatever shoes I can find 2 of.  If you see me in flip flops in the ice today, you will know that was the only pair of shoes that I could find the matching shoe to.  My shoes are strewn into the floor into a heap.  I really need one of those nice closets like one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has.  I would like to say that my purses are on display like they have but sadly my bags are just sitting on top of a small table, also in a heap.  Since I am a SAHM I should have them looking like a nice handbag store has them displayed.
(Not my craftiness!!)
Apparently SAHMs should also be crafty.  I have friends who do projects every week and make their homes look modern by taking old pieces of furniture and re-purposing them to look like something that would cost thousands of dollars.  One friend took an old dresser and painted it with some sort of metallic paint and made a beautiful buffet for the dining room.  If I tried that it would look like a horribly spray painted dresser that was put in the wrong room.
(Not my front door)
Some SAHMs decorate their homes for every holiday.  If you want to see decorations then you will have to come at Christmas because that's the only time I decorate.  These overachievers decorate for Valentine's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Thanksgiving and every other holiday.  Right now, my dining room table is decorated for Laundry Day!!  And by that I mean my folded laundry is on the dining table, ready to be put away.  I think I will keep it decorated until Saturday!!  Sorry, Family!!  If you want your clean underwear you can go to the dining room and get them off the table!!  (Hey, it's clean underwear!  Don't be afraid to eat at my table!!)
(Not my laundry room but in my dreams it is!)
My laundry room is not decorated beautifully.  It was the day we moved in.  It is painted a buttery color and has toile curtains.I had planned on painting something on one wall that said something witty in French but I decided to take a nap that day and every day since so it never got done!!  The sink in the laundry room is full of household items because like I have said before, I only handwash my "handwash only" sweaters once every 57 times that I wear them!!  (Don't judge.  You do it too, right?)
(Not my coat rack!)
My coat rack in the foyer will still have winter coats hanging from it in July.  So what?  Where would you like me to hang them?  Oh, that's right! I have 2 coat closets that I could use but they are full of crap too!!
(Not my dining room but I could totally do that!!!)
My neighbors told me that the people who built this house would often host dinner parties.  They would have someone come in and cook and serve the meal in the dining room.  They would close the butler door that leads into the kitchen and the servers would stay in the kitchen cooking the next course until they were ready to serve and then come out with desserts at the end of the meal.  Yeah.  They were very sad to see them move away because if you come over to my house now, you will have to serve yourself in the kitchen and go and sit in the dining room.  If you want dessert, you will have to get up and get it yourself!!  No wonder they still call this "The Harrison House"!!  They are hoping The Harrison's move back someday!!  Oh and that butler door...Yep, it stays open all of the time now!!  No butler, cook or server has been here since the 1990's!!
(Not me on laundry day!!)
SAHMs have so much free time that we are supposed to look a certain way too.  Trust me when I say that I do not vacuum with heels on.  I do not put on lipstick to clean the toilets.  You won't see me in a cocktail dress at the grocery store either.  If I am out of my pajamas and wearing clean yoga pants, then consider yourself LUCKY!!!

Lesson #-15,098-$H!T I've Been Doing Wrong!

Okay, so I've been reading and studying and learning about how to be a Super Mom.  Boy, have I been doing it wrong.  Apparently, SAHMs (Stay-at-home Moms) are supposed to have their crap together.  We are supposed to be organized.  We are supposed to have our pantries in order.  Our soup cans should be grouped together and coordinated and/or color coordinated. Cereals should be lined up properly with kids cereals poured into cereal containers with labels on them.  We are supposed to have baskets with fresh produce in them.  Cookies and snacks should be in bins.  Dry soups and mixes should be kept in Tupperware containers and labeled.  What???  You should see my pantry!!  Boy, am I doing it wrong!!  My pantry looks like a toddler "arranged" it.  Soup cans are on every shelf and not in any order.  The top shelf holds about 8 boxes of half eaten cereal.  Some of it probably dates back to the 1990's because I have good intentions to eat the healthy cereal but I end up eating Captain Crunch instead.
(Not my pantry)
Let's move on to the cabinets.  My pots and pans are not organized at all.  You risk you life when you open the coffee mug cabinet.  We have about 47 coffee mugs of all shapes and sizes.  They do not stack well when they are all different sizes and that stupid handle keeps the small ones from going inside the large ones!!  My cabinet holding my glasses is a freaking mess.  When you have a kid, you have tons of plastic cups from every restaurant in town.  You are not allowed to throw those away because of the "memories"!! (As my son says!!) They do go missing from time to time.
(Not my kitchen cabinets)
Apparently, SAHMs are supposed to cook a nice dinner every night.  One meat, one bread and a minimum of 2 vegetables.  VEGETABLES??  Is cheese a vegetable?  I sure hope so because that's about as close to a vegetable as we got last night!!  Sandwiches are on the menu tonight!!  Please, don't call DSS on me!!
(This is not me)
My refrigerator is littered with many packages of sandwich meat and cheeses.  I never eat sandwich meat so my husband checks their freshness before he eats a sandwich.  If I hear him gagging then I know it is time to replace the ham.  If I hear him throwing up, I know it is time to replace the bacon.  Did you know that rotten bacon still smells heavenly when it is cooking???  Well, it does.  Be sure to check the date BEFORE cooking.  Oh and if it is brown, it is probably going to make your husband throw up.  My husband is from Africa. They are supposed to have iron stomachs!!  Guess he has been here in America too long.  He has softened!!
(Not my fridge)
My linen closet doesn't look any better than the other cabinets in my house.  Why do I have so many sets of sheets?  I always just strip the bed, wash the sheets and put them back on the bed.  I guess I have several sheet sets for the beds just in case someone pees or vomits in the bed.  There really is no other reason to have more than one set of sheets.  If you have a child who pees or vomits a lot, you may want to keep a spare set.
 (Not my linen closet)
I've really got to get my $H!T together!! But then again...

Lesson #15,097-ABC's of Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

Yes, this week we are relearning our ABC's.  Being a Stay-at-Home Mom has it's challenges, as does being a Working Mom!  Whew! I don't know how y'all do it when you work and do everything that we do.  Hopefully, you have help.  You must be much better at time management!!

A is for Appliances-Dishwasher, Washing Machine, Dryer, Refrigerator, Stove, Oven and Crock Pot!!
B is for Balance-Balancing being a Mom, wife, friend, daughter and sister is tough.
C is for Carpool-Driving carpool takes up an hour of my day!!
D is for Dishes-The never ending, bottomless pit that is my kitchen sink!!
E is for Exercise-This is what I get every morning by running up and down the stairs making sure that the backpack is ready, gym clothes are packed, making coffee for the hubby, bringing juice to the kid to get him out of bed and making sure to say goodbye to everyone in the morning.
F is for Folding-Folding all of the blankets and putting them back on the sofas every morning!! (We all like our blankets in the evenings!!)  Folding laundry is my least favorite chore!
G is for "GET UP"!!-Which is what I scream at the teenager every morning!!
H is for "Hold on"-Which is what I have to say to friends when I am on the phone because someone can't find something!!
I is for Inside Out-Which is every piece of clothing that my husband and child wears so I have to turn them the right way on laundry day!! It drives me Insane!!
J is for Juice Box-How one child can drink so many juice boxes is a mystery to me!! They are found everywhere!!
K is for Kitties-All of the kitties need love several times a day.  They can be exhausting!!
L is for Litter Box-All of the aforementioned kitties use it several times a day so I have to clean the darn thing over and over!!
M is for "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom"-I hear it 1,000 times a day!
N is for Nothing-Which is what I feel like I have accomplished every day. (Especially if I take a Nap! Also begins with an N.)
O is for Overtired-Which is what I feel like every day!
P is for Pitiful-Which is what I look like every day! I have all of this time to take a shower, put on clothes, put on makeup and fix my hair and I feel like I never do it!!
Q is for "Quick!!"-Which is what is yelled at me when a spill happens.  "Mom, bring me a towel QUICK!!"
R is for "Really?"-Which is what I say just after I have cleaned up a room and 5 minutes later there are crumbs everywhere!!
S is for Saturday-The day that I look forward to all week.  My one day to sleep in and my husband is a morning person so he gets up EARLY and wants to go and do stuff!!  "Go back to bed, man!!"
T is for Thursday-Why? Because once a month on Thursday night our girlfriend group gets together and has Girls Night Out. Now, it is no longer Girls Gone Wild, but we do get together and talk and laugh and have some fun without any children around!!
U is for Unkempt-Which is my appearance most days!  If you see me with makeup on, consider yourself lucky!
V is for Violin-Which is what you working moms are playing for me right now! Right??
W is for WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING-Nope. I wouldn't change my crazy life for anything!!
X is for X-Rated-Which is my vocabulary when a monkey wrench gets thrown into my day!!
Y is for Yearning-Yearning for a vacation!!
Z is for Zees-Which is what I want to catch right now!! Sleep deprived Mama is tired!!

Lesson #15,096-ABC's of Friendship

Okay, so we all have friends who are awesome and some who don't have as much awesomeness as the others.  Don't email me to see which friend you are!!

A is for Annoying-That friend who is annoying. Only talks about herself, her life, her children, her whatever.
B is for Bitch-That friend who takes offense to EVERYTHING!! You are constantly apologizing for something.
C is for Critic-That friend who complains about everything, everyday, every time you talk to them!
D is for Ding-a-ling-The airhead. Never gets a joke. A joke isn't funny if you have to explain it.
E is for Eccentric-Otherwise known as the weird one.
F is for Fool-That friend who gets "done dirty" by everyone!  Girlfriend, Wake Up!!
G is for the Gossip-That friend who gossips about everyone (UGH) but she better tell me what she knows!!!
H is for Ho-That friend who has slept with 100 men and doesn't care who knows it!! (But you've gotta love her!)
I is for Innocent-That friend who has never drank, smoked, done anything wrong and married her high school sweetheart.
J is for the Jewel-That one friend who you cannot live without!! You tell everything and you trust 100%.
K is for Butt Kisser-That one friend who kisses your butt so she can hang out with you!! I know that I do not look great when you see me at Target without makeup and in my gym clothes!! Shut Up!!
L is for Lush-That one friend who is always drunk!! You have to love her too!!
M is for Martha Stewart Type-That friend who you would like to be like, but you would rather take a nap instead of bake a damn cake on a Wednesday.
N is for Narcotic-Some friends are on too many and some friends need to be on at least one!!
O is for Optimist-That friend who sees the best in people even when they are total jerks!
P is for Pessimist-That friend who thinks everyone is out to get them!
Q is for Quack-This is the one who thinks she's a doctor and diagnoses you with some horrible disease every time you have a sniffle!
R is for Ruin-That friend who ruins your story every time because she has been there and done that bigger and better than anyone ever has!!
S is for Silly-That friend who is silly as crap.  Will say anything at any time and doesn't care who is around.
T is for Tattle Tale-That friend who can't keep her mouth shut and tells everything that you say!!
U is for Ultra motivated-This is the friend who gets up and runs 10 miles, goes to the gym and does a class for 2 hours, goes and plays a game of tennis or golf and then has one leaf of lettuce for lunch. She's probably skinny too. (Bitch)
V is for Vulgar-This is the friend who says way too many curse words. (Umm. That may be me!)
W is for Well-educated-This is that friend who has every graduate degree that is possible to get and her jokes go way over your head and you sit there and laugh anyway. Yep. You've got one too!!
X is for Xerox-You know?? The Xerox copy of someone else. People, be yourself. Not someone else!
Y is for Yawner-This friend is so boring that you have to take a nap before seeing her so you don't snore while she is talking. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Z is for Zero.  This chick is the one who always wants to have lunch with you or go shopping with you and you just have ZERO time to see her.  EVER!!  (And will never have time to see her!! If you are lucky!)

Lucky for me, I am blessed with Jewels!!!

Lesson #15,095-ABC's of Aging

Okay, so we all have heard of the ABC's of Life so I'm gonna tell you about the ABC's of Aging.  These are all true and I will not sugar-coat any of it!!

A is for Acne. Yes, acne.  If I have to have acne again, I want my teenage body back!!
B is for Botox.  Y'all know I love my Botox and need it often!!
C is for Cellulite.  Or as I like to call it, Body Braille.
D is for Dementia.  We all think that this is for the very old, well, sorry folks I can't remember crap now!!!!
E is for Eyebrows.  They will no longer be where they used to be.
F is for Flatulence.  Yep.  You won't be able to eat just any old thing anymore.  Farting is just a butt whisper.
G is for Gray.  I like to think of gray hair as my personality sparkling!!  Hair dye is your friend!!
H is for Hemorrhoids.  If you have had a baby, you have had them.  Only a lucky few get to keep them!!
I is for Insomnia.  You young folks think we are slow but in reality we are sleep deprived.
J is for Jowls.  Sagging jowls. 
K is for Kidneys.  Men can't go and women can't stop going.  It's a problem!
L is for Libido.  It's nonexistent. 
M is for Molting.  Nice way of saying that you are losing your hair by the handfuls. (Women too!!)
N is for Night Sweats. Ah the joys of being a hormonal woman!! We're up. We're down. We're hot!!
O is for Osteoporosis.  Yes, it is possible that I am shrinking!!
P is for Pharmacist.  Find one that you like and get to know them. You will be seeing this person a lot.
Q is for Quick Tempered.  Also known as Grumpiness!
R is for Rotten Attitude.  Also known as Grumpiness!
S is for Swelling. Everything swells. Ankles. Feet.  Fingers. Waistline.
T is for Tinnitus.  Ringing in the ears.  It's annoying!!
U is for Underwear. Underwear will get larger as you age. G-strings aren't sexy if you have hemorrhoids.
V is for Vision Problems.  The day you turn 40, buy some reading glasses. Start saving for bi-focals!!
W is for Wrinkles.  What else??  Oh yeah! Weight gain!! Weariness!!  Weathered!!
X is for X-Rays.  Like Mammograms and Bone Density Tests!!  No, they aren't fun but get them!!
Y is for Yeast Infections.  Every time you take an antibiotic, you WILL get one!!
Z is for Zombielike.  This is what I feel like most of the time.  No energy. Hunched over. Barely able to put one foot in front of the other!!
 
(I actually love this man's face!!)

There are so many things to look forward to as we age.  I do believe that my least favorite thing are these stupid, ugly spots all over my hands, arms, legs and feet.  If you are young, WEAR SUNSCREEN!! Look, aging is not for the weak, the faint of heart or for anyone who doesn't like change.  Your face will change.  Your body will change.  Your hair will change.  Your organs will change. That's just part of life.

You know you are getting old when "Happy Hour" is a nap.  Aging is like underwear.  It creeps up on you!! 

Lesson #15,094-Snow Days In The South

Okay, so we love snow here in The South.  Yes, we do!!  We do.  It's supposed to snow here.  If we are lucky we will get a quarter of an inch but every school and business within 50 miles will be closed.  The only reason that I want it to snow is so school will be closed.  I really would like to go back to bed this morning instead of driving carpool.  It's gonna be cold and wet and yucky!!  I wish every day that I drove carpool would be sunny and warm.  I absolutely hate cold weather.  That's why I love The South!!  I do not love the mad dash to the grocery store for milk and bread.  I, honest to goodness, needed bread and milk today but I intentionally didn't go to the grocery store because the very mention of snow by a local meteorologist means there will be bare shelves.  I will wait until tomorrow to get some.  If there happens to be any snow outside, it will be gone by sundown so maybe I will go tonight.  If, for some reason, there is a foot of snow outside later this morning, please someone bring me some bread and milk!!  Look we have stocked up on wine and Nutella so all is good with me.  It's the kid and the husband who may want to make a trip to the grocery store.

Okay so if you don't have to be on the roads today, I would suggest staying at home.  We Southerners cannot drive in anything but sunshine!!  Not snow or ice or sleet or even rain.  Well, some of us can drive in rain.  I, personally, cannot.  I hate driving in anything but clear conditions.  I also only like going to the grocery store in clear conditions.  I only like to watch sporting events in clear conditions.  Pretty much if anyone asks me to dance in the rain, I will say "Heck No" and look at you funny.  All of you who do dance in the rain, that is great but I hate drying my hair so it ain't gonna happen!!  Unless, of course, Channing Tatum wants to dance in the rain.  Then I will Suck It Up and dance!!!

Anyway.  Snow, come on so we can go back to bed!!!  Just enough so school is cancelled.  Then it can melt!!

Lesson #15,093-Is The Kitty Trying To Kill Me?

Okay, so there is this book that is for sale and I haven't read it yet but I think maybe I should.  The book is titled "How To Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You".  I am positive that my cat(s) are trying to kill me.  If these cats were humans, I would have kicked them out a long time ago.  Any human that stalks me, even when I am on the potty doing #2, would be OUT!!  Any human that follows me 24/7 would be OUT!!  Any human who walked across 3,000 square foot of hardwood floors to throw up on my tapestry rug would be OUT!!  Any human who headbutted me for attention would be OUT!!  Any human who pissed in a box would be OUT!!  Why do we put up with this crap from our cats?

We have 3 cats.  There is Blackie who is, of course, black.  Blackie is one of about 3 black cats that we have had.  All named Blackie because we are just that lame.  Blackie was rescued from a construction site.  This cat looked like a skeleton and my husband asked the cat if she wanted to come home with us and that cat jumped into his Benz and now lives the good life.  She is no longer a skeleton.  She is fat and happy.  She's a pretty good cat but she cannot meow.  She tries but she sounds more like a kitty with laryngitis.  Bless her heart.  You don't think she wants to kill me, do ya?

Then there is Abby.  She was rescued from a firehouse.  Someone dropped her at a fire station.  Then one of the firemen asked my friend if she could get rid of this little kitty at her yard sale.  Of course, she didn't and she felt terrible and took the kitty home.  But, alas, her daughter is severely allergic to cats so she asked if we would take her in.  Well, my son is sweet on her daughter and he immediately said, "Yes. Mrs. Thompson.  We can take the kitty."  So there.  Abby is a tabby.  She is probably our 3rd or 4th tabby named Abby.  Again, we are just that lame. She has turned into my baby.  She follows me wherever I go.  If I go upstairs, she goes upstairs.  If I lay down, she lays down right beside me and has to be touching me!! She "helps" me make beds every day.  And by "help" I mean, she jumps on the bed and lays in the middle of the bed and looks at me like "You will not straighten this comforter!!" and I just allow this behavior.  She is also my stalker. If I go outside, she stands by the door and WAITS.  And by "waits" I really mean STALKS!  I guess she loves me because when I go upstairs, she is under my feet and frequently trips me!  You don't think she's trying to kill me, do ya? 

And now we come to Crazy Kitty.  Crazy Kitty was not always named Crazy Kitty.  His name was Andy.  We adopted him and another girl tabby kitty from the local animal shelter.  (Her name was Annie and she ran away.  Actually, she is still around.  She probably found a better home without children.)  Anyway, Crazy Kitty is the one who ALWAYS throws up on my tapestry rug.  It just confounds me why he MUST go to this rug only!!  Why not a nice fluffy bathmat which can be thrown into the washing machine easily?  Why not the nice wood floor?  Why not the tile floor?  Why not the kitchen rug?  Why not the nice new rug by the front door?  NOOOOOO.  He goes to the one nice rug that I have in my house!!!  The one that I have to have professionally cleaned.  This cat is truly crazy.  He has always been a literal frady cat.  He is afraid of his own shadow. He has been crazy since the day we got him.  He lived several days behind the couch when he first got here. He would be a gorgeous cat if he didn't scratch his hair out because he is so crazy.  Giving this cat his flea medicine is playing with fire!!  This cat will scratch your face off with his back claws!  If you come to visit me, Crazy Kitty will hide and you will never see him. You don't think he's trying to kill me, do ya?

Well.  The cat in this picture does look like Crazy Kitty.  Hmmmm.

Lesson #15,092-Wonder Woman/Me??

Have you ever thought that you might be Wonder Woman?  Maybe you are.  Maybe I am.  You cannot say that you have ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room so I am Wonder Woman.

So what?  Wonder Woman has that magic lasso.  Wonder Woman has that invisible jet.  Wonder Woman can kick your butt!  I may not have the magic lasso or the invisible jet but I can do 5 loads of laundry and you will never know anything about it.  The magic of laundry happens when you aren't here.  I can do dishes in no time.  You will see them piled up in the sink and *poof* they are gone.  What happened to the dishes?  They are done!!  I can make a bed in 2 minutes flat so you may not see me doing that either.  What is it?  Is it magic?  Yes!  Yes, that's what it is!!  It's magic!!

What do Stay-At-Home Moms do all day?  Well, we get everyone up.  Make sure that everyone has clean clothes to wear today.  We even get up before everyone else so we can be sure that the coffee pot is ready when the hubby wants his morning coffee.  We pack the backpacks of the little munchkins so that they don't leave their homework sitting on the coffee table in the living room. (Again.)  We do this so we don't have to make a second trip to the school.  We drive carpool.  Once the kids are in school we do that magic laundry trick, load the dishwasher and make beds.  We go to the grocery store and put dinner in the crock pot.  We run the errands that the husband has listed for us to do.  Go to the bank, drop off the car to be serviced, pay bills, clean up the cat puke off of the rug, we may go and get a workout done or we may go home and take a nap (don't judge).  We clean up the living room and playroom and take out the trash.  We fold the blanket that is on the couch.  I am positive that I fold that blanket at least 3 times a day!! We see the stains on the carpet and scrub them until our hands are raw. We pick up kids from carpool and take the neighbors home and start on homework.  Serve dinner and chill for a few minutes until bedtime. We usually are the first ones up and the last ones to go to bed.  Going to bed usually goes something like this:  "Goodnight, Honey, I am going to bed."  Then we look in the sink and see a few cups and dishes that need to be put in the dishwasher.  Then we remember that we had a load of towels in the dryer so we go and fold them and put them away.  We get out the PE clothes for the child to wear tomorrow and set out their uniform for school.  We go into the bathroom and find clothing on the floor and pick them up and put them in the clothes hamper (that is exactly 1 inch from the clothing on the floor).  We brush our teeth and wash our face.  We then remember that the bar of soap that is in the shower is too small to wash a human body with so we open a new one and replace it with the itty bitty chip of a bar of soap.  Then we remember that tomorrow is a friend's birthday so we go back downstairs and fill out a birthday card and pop it into the mailbox.  By then we are exhausted and we collapse.  (If we are lucky!!)  Then we wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Again, I am not saying that I am Wonder Woman but someone does all of the stuff around here that wouldn't get done if Wonder Woman didn't exist.  Oh and that whole kicking your butt thing that Wonder Woman does.  Well, let's just say that if you mess with our families, you can consider your butt kicked!!!

Lesson #15,091-Annoying Things In Life

Okay, so don't get me wrong.  There are so many amazingly wonderful things in life to enjoy like a bright sunny day at the beach, having a picnic in your backyard, building a campfire and roasting marshmallows and swimming in your next door neighbors pool when they are out of town.  Oops!!  Those are some of the fun things in life!!  These are some of the annoying things that I would like to do away with:

1.  The alarm clock!  Do they not make one alarm clock that won't annoy me first thing in the morning?  I absolutely hate the alarms and if I set it to music then I will hate the song that wakes me up forever!!  If I see that little Justin Bieber today, I am gonna punch him in the throat.  (I'm just kidding.  Don't let any 10-14 year old girls see this!!)

2.  Taking a shower!  Why do we have to shower every day?  It is a total waste of valuable time.  You just have to do it again tomorrow.  Plus it adds to the laundry pile!  Let's all go on a shower strike!!

3.  Potty breaks!!  What a waste of time!!  I put it in to stay in!  Why do I drink water only to have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes?  I am trying to stay hydrated and I keep dehydrating myself by peeing!!  Annoying, right?

4.  Dishes!  Dishes are a complete waste of time.  Let's do away with plates and cups and drink in disposable ones so we can have more time with family and friends!  Oh.  The environment!!  Let's use those recyclable plates and cups!!  (Don't wanna make the environmentalists angry!!)

5.  Traffic!!  Oh.  My.  Word.  What a waste of time!  If you live here in Union County, NC, you know what a pain traffic is and what a complete waste of time!!  I am so tired of it taking me 30 minutes to go 2.2 miles and back!!

6.  Sweeping, mopping and vacuuming.  Another complete waste of time.  We walk on the floors so, naturally, these are where the dirt ends up.  I swear to you that five minutes after my floors are clean, there will be a troop of boys stomping through the house.  I understand that if I don't clean the floors that it will look really bad but I swear that if I clean the floors one more time and a little boy stomps grass and dirt into my kitchen again, I'm gonna pop him up side the head!!  (To those of you who read my blog and don't know what being "Popped up side one's head" means, it is not a term of endearment.  It is literally a slap on the side of one's head.)

7, 8, 9, and 10.  Laundry.  Need I say more?  Why are towels in my laundry basket?  You are clean when you get out of the shower, right?  You are just drying yourself off, right?  Hang the darn towel up and use it again, fool!!  Okay, I see why we need to launder our undies often but come on!!  You can wear that "Hand wash Only" sweater more than once.  (More like 54 times before I am gonna hand wash it!!)   You know that you don't hand wash your "Hand Wash Only" sweater every time you wear it either!! 

I love this idea of a chore list for children.  Would it be too much for me to have my one child do all of the annoying things around the house?  I mean, just the laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dishes and waking ME up in the morning.  That's not too much is it??