Lesson #15,066-That's Not P.C.

Political Correctness. <Insert Eye Roll Here>  I'm over it!!  I'm not saying to go around being insensitive to people.  What I am saying is this.  Why can't we call a spade a damn shovel?  If you are proud to be black, that's okay.  If you are proud to be Hispanic, that's okay.  If you are proud to be Asian, that's okay.  If you are proud to be white, you're racist.  Possibly a Nazi.  Maybe even a skinned head.  Possibly KKK.
Who cares what color you are?  We are humans!!  God loves us all equally, no matter what color you are.  If you are thinking about race so much, YOU are the racist.  You just don't want to admit it!  Don't get me wrong, there are white people who hate people of other races.  There are black people who hate other races.  There are Asians who hate other races.  Racism does exist just not like the media makes it look like because of Political Correctness!!



 
If you are Jewish and say "Happy Hanukkah" to me I will not be offended.  If you are black and say "Happy Kwanza" to me I will not be offended.  So why is it not proper to say "Merry Christmas"?  Let's call a spade a damn shovel!! It is Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, New Year's Day, etc.  Not a non-specific winter holiday.  I don't mind "Happy Holidays".  It is the holidays.  What I hate is calling a Christmas tree a "holiday tree".  It's a CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!  You sound like an idiot calling it a "holiday tree"!!  It's called a menorah, not a religious candelabra.  I think companies are so afraid of offending someone that they offend everyone!!



 
What about Indians?  There are Native Americans that used to be called American Indians that used to be called Indians.  Then there are Indians from India who it is okay to call Indians.  But then that gets confusing because if you say that John is Indian, we still don't know if he is an India Indian or a Native American Indian because we were brought up calling them both Indians.

Are we becoming a society of whiny butts?  Can nobody take a joke anymore?  If I hear a black comedian telling jokes about white people, I think it is funny.  Maybe it is because I was not brought up with kid gloves on.  If I was being an ass, it wasn't because I was a girl or because I was white, it was because I was being an ass.  I have always been short.  It has never bothered me.  Kids in school would pick on me and I would just laugh too.  Maybe if I was 12 inches tall, it would bother me but being 6 inches shorter than other girls does not bother me.  My big mouth more than makes up for my shortness!!  You want to pick on me??  Bring it!!  I can take it!!  Would I walk up to a "little person" (aka a midget) and pick on them about their height just because I could?  Absolutely not!  But, if you are a "little person" you better get used to short jokes and not get offended every time someone picks on you.  BTW, when I was a kid they were called midgets and now they are called little people.  I can't keep up with the PC terms because they change daily!!!

Look, if we cannot laugh at ourselves once in a while, life will just be boring.  Lighten up! 

Lesson #15,065-Stuff Moms Say

There are some things that only moms say.  If you have infants or toddlers, you say a lot of things that you wouldn't normally say.  They sound insane unless you are a mom and you have actually said these things before.  Some things a mom of an infant may say:  "Awe. Look at that cute little poop".  "Who puked on my new shoes? You did, you cute little lima bean".  "What are you doing you sweet little punkin? You need to go to sleep precious". "Whose little man is up again at 3am?"

Conversation changes a little when they are not newborn infants.  When they are just babies it starts like this:  "Holy Cow, that is a huge poop!!"  "That Stinks!!"  "Another outfit ruined by baby puke.  I think I will just wear black pajamas until this kid is 5!"  "Puh leeze GO TO SLEEP!!!"  "Why, oh why, are you up again at 3am? Shouldn't you be sleeping through the night by now!??!"  "Doctor, this baby is driving me insane.  Why isn't she sleeping through the night yet?"

Toddler conversation..."Take that out of your nose!!"  "Don't put that in your ear!"  "Stop biting the cat." "Where did you find that binky?"  "Is that dog fur between your teeth?"  "How did you get pancakes in your diaper?"  "Is that a pea in your belly button?"  "What happened to my other shoe?"  "Is that catfood in your mouth?"  "Dear God, please help me not to lose my mind today!"  "Are those teeth marks on the vacuum cleaner?" "Please don't go out the doggie door again, son!" "Don't eat the Crayon!!"  "Don't eat the Play-Doh!"  "Don't eat the remote control!!"

The conversation is ever evolving as the child ages but we still sound mental to those who haven't been blessed with children yet.  Who else do you ask if they have brushed their teeth?  Who else do you check on just to be sure they are breathing?  Who else would you die for?  Who else would you pull snot plugs out of their nose for?  Who else would you have to save the parakeet from?  Who else do you read the same book to every night for 4 years?  Who else do you sing "You Are My Sunshine" to every morning?  Who else have you kissed a billion times and it still isn't enough?  Who else would you change back to that projectile puking, stinky poopey diapered, helpless baby if given the chance?  I would clean green peas out of his belly button every day if I could make my son little again.  And I would do it in a heartbeat!!!  Wouldn't you??

Lesson #15,064-The Man Cold

Oh my gosh!! There is a horrible illness that I would not wish on anyone.  It must be the most awful disease that has ever afflicted mankind.  I don't think any woman would know about it because apparently we are immune to it.  It only happens in the human male species.  It's called The Man Cold.  This illness renders our men helpless.  The afflicted man can only lay on the couch, watch TV, nap, cough, sneeze, snort, complain, order hot cocoa and food, whine, and be helpless.  It is like having an infant again.  Every little thing must be attended to by a man's wife!  The poor, sick man can only use his fingers to change the channel on the TV remote and to text his wife when he needs something else, even if she is in the same room with him.  Poor baby, can't even speak!!!  I am thrilled that I am a woman and can never, ever get The Man Cold.  I mean, thank God!!  It is supposedly worse than the swine flu, cancer or childbirth.  I know that having a C-section was really rough and even being so anemic that my hemoglobin was only 4, (Yes, 4!!) but apparently this Man Cold is serious business.  Maybe when men become infected with the virus they should be admitted directly into ICU.  I mean, who better to take care of these helpless little men, than highly trained Registered Nurses??  There is usually a doctor around the unit so there would be care provided 24/7.  Or maybe there is some sort of medication that could be administered that would keep him in a medically induced coma until the illness has run its' course.

(Bad word alert.  Sorry but it is funny!!)


Now why is it that a woman can have the same symptoms but for some reason, it isn't that bad?  Or is it that moms never stop?  Are men just big babies or are women just tougher?  They say that we are the weaker sex but seriously if you have ever seen a man with a tiny cold, you know who is the weaker sex!! I mean, REALLY!!!???!!!  Okay, so all the women should go out and get multivitamins, Echinacea, protein shakes, herbal teas, anything to keep our men healthy!!!  Don't let this happen to your man!!!

Lesson #15,063-The Non-Joys of Pregnancy and After That Nobody Will Tell You

Ahh, yes.  The joys of being pregnant and having those sweet babies.  Is there anything more wonderful than that?  No.  Absolutely NOT!!  But...Okay, I'm about to tell you the truth about all of that crap!!  First, while you are pregnant your body goes through many, many changes.  Your belly goes from a cute little baby bump to an enormous, alien implanted, hot air balloon. Even though you give birth to an 8 pound alien, your stomach does not flatten out right away.  I could not believe that my belly was the same exact size after having my son as it was when I went into the delivery room.  What the heck?  Then I ended up with one big stretch mark on my belly after rubbing that stupid cocoa butter all over it, every day along with Vitamin E.  I have about 14 stretchmarks on my hips!! What in the world??  Then the breasts.  Wow, what a serious change do they go through. Before pregnancy, the breasts are nice and perky.  Usually not too big or too small.  During pregnancy they begin to swell and by the time the baby is born, you really believe that they cannot swell any more but to your surprise, when your milk comes in your breasts look like water balloons and they are so sore that you cannot even walk without holding them still.  Your husband will think that they are the most beautiful things that he has ever seen but do not, I repeat, DO NOT let him touch them!! You will truly be sorry and he will be too because you would have already kicked his soft spot so hard that he will feel his testicles beating in his heart.

There are a few more things that should be mentioned in those pregnancy books that are not.  Let's talk about hemorrhoids. You may never have had them before but after carrying a child that is pushing everything you have down already and then you push out that baby, YOU WILL HAVE THEM!!  When they get really bad, you can sit in a tub of the hottest water that you can stand and they will shrink a little.  Some go away and some stay.  Just according to your luck!  I am unlucky so there they are!!! 13 years later!!  Okay, now the one thing that I never even heard of was the incredible sense of smell that you develop when you are pregnant.  I could smell any odor or aroma from the day of conception!!  Smells that I loved now made me sick to my stomach.  Once while I was pregnant, I was in the drive thru line at McDonald's (Don't Judge) and I had my windows up and no AC or Heat running in my car and I could smell a cigarette burning from 2 cars ahead of me in the line.  Seriously!! I thought I smelled cigarette smoke and looked all around and finally spotted the driver flicking his ashes from the car ahead of the car in front of me in line.  To me, it smelled like he was in the car with me!!  It was crazy!!

Oh and then there is the miserable breathing thing.  You cannot catch your breath during the last few weeks of pregnancy.  You cannot get comfortable and then not being able to breathe is even worse than that.  Your nose gets all stopped up and then your nose spreads all the way across you face!!  It is amazing.  It looks like someone has taken a flat iron to it!!  You actually feel like a pug and sound like one too!!  Snort, wheeze, snot.  Kleenex is your friend.  I never saw any of this in those lovey, dovey, sweet talk, sugar-coated pregnancy books.  Oh and if you take Lamaze, don't let that dumbass old lady that teaches your course talk you into trying childbirth without an epidural.  Trust me on this one.  She is just pissed that she didn't get one when she was having her children!!  If you can do it without an epidural then good for you.  I didn't and I don't feel guilty about it!!  Not once have I thought, "Hmmm.  Maybe I should have tried to have that baby without the epidural and have all of that pain."!!  Seriously, not even once!!!  Oh and breastfeeding is a great thing but it is not for everyone. Some people don't want to do it.  Some people want to do it and can't.  If it is stressing you out then buy the formula and don't let anyone guilt you for not doing it!!  It's your baby, not theirs!!

There is a lot that we aren't told about during pregnancy.  These are just a few things.  Listen, learn to enjoy your baby.  Don't stress about anything because the baby can tell when you are stressed.  Sleep when the baby sleeps.  The dishes will still be there when you wake up from your nap.  The beds don't have to be made.  The toys don't have to be picked up every 15 minutes.  Trust me on these things!! 

Lesson #15,062-Children Are Loud/Some Adults Too

I have a question.  Why does that little hussy, Dora The Explorer, have to yell?  My gosh!! When Jordan was little we would watch all of the annoying little shows on PBS and Nick Jr.  Once we got through Teletubbies and Barney there was Caillou and Clifford and then we moved on to Dora.  She screams every word that she says.  Has anyone else noticed that?  Thank you, God, for letting my son be 13-years old now!  I turned on the TV this morning just for noise while I got a few things done and the TV was on a commercial break and I didn't bother looking at what channel the TV was set on before walking off.  Well, of course, it was on Nick Jr. and when I heard that little hooker's voice "Hey Boots!!"  "What do I have in my backpack that will help us climb the mountain?"  "Find the mountain!!"  "Can you find the mountain?"  "Where's the mountain?"  "Right!!"  "There it is!!"  Screeching to the top of her little lungs!!! Why must she yell??

Oh and SpongeBob SquarePants.  He has that shrill voice that just makes me cringe.  I don't mind Squidward or Patrick because they have pretty calm voices but SpongeBob and Sandy have those voices that sound just like fingernails on a chalkboard.  Speaking of chalkboards...Why do our kids not have them anymore?  They have dry erase boards now!!  That's no fun scratching your fingernails on!!  I still get chills when I think about that sound!!  I had a US History teacher in high school who would scratch the chalkboard with her fingernails if we got loud in class.  We only got loud once!!!  Anyway, when SpongeBob comes on the song that the pirate sings encourages screaming. Does it not?  "Are you ready kids?  Aye, Aye, Captain. I can't hear you?"  See???  They were already screaming and Captain encouraged them to scream louder!!

Maybe I just have sensitive ears in my old age.  I can't stand anything that is loud.  Screaming children, Dora & Boots, loud music, etc.  There is one person who can make my ears bleed.  That is my husband.  He has a way of whistling that sounds like all of the loud noises in the world all put together.  I never told another human being about my hatred of whistling until I was at the beach with a few other couples and one of the wives said that she hated when her husband whistled!!  I said, "Me, too" and I just couldn't believe that another person hates to hear whistling too!! Yay!!  Then she said that she asked her husband why he felt it was necessary to whistle all of the time and he said, "I whistle because I am happy".  Talk about feeling like a big ole pile of dog poop!!  Oh well.  It hurts my ears!!!  Shhhhhhhhh!!

Lesson #15,061-Be Thankful.

It's that time of year again.  Thanksgiving.  A time to reflect upon all of the blessings in our lives.  Our friends, family, God, a home, food to eat, etc. It is a great thing to be thankful.  These are a few things that I am also very thankful for this year:

Wine. 
Hair dye. 
Botox. 
Wrinkle Cream. 
Nutella. 
Preparation H. 
Advil. 
Nerve Pills. 
My doctor and my pharmacist.  (These go along with Nerve Pills.)
Friends who will pick my kid up from school when I just want to take a nap. 
Reality TV.
Facebook (Sometimes). 
My comfy pajamas. 
My soft blanket. 
Spanx. 
Age spot bleach (See my friend, Julia Wheeler or Susan Radford, at English Aesthetics, for this stuff!!). 
Deodorant (I wish more people were thankful for this one and used it accordingly). 
Ice cubes. 
Pilates and Piloxing (See my friends Jill Hinson and Heather Moses at Core Studio for these!!). 
My big ole non-green Cadillac SUV (Shut up all of you Smart Car and Prius drivers.  I cannot fit 5 or 6 children in one of the little cars.  I carpool so I am GREEN!!! Actually I carpool with other mothers who have large Cadillac and Chevrolet SUV's.  We bought American, So There!!!) 
I love and am thankful for my hairdryer. 
Curse words (Because sometimes "Gosh Darn It Flippin' Poop" doesn't begin to cover it).   
Cherry Lemon Sundrop.
My iPhone. (Only because I can play Angry Birds anytime I want!!)
Money. (Now let me explain.  I have enough money to buy all of my needs but not enough money to make it okay to buy a $400,000 car or a $20,000,000 house.  I am totally serious.  Because if I could afford a Maserati, I would totally have one and it is asinine to spend that kind of money on a car.)
Pinterest. Enough said.
eBay.  (Because if you want anything and it isn't on eBay or Craigslist, you don't need it.)
Shoes. (Oh how I love shoes. Ahhhh.)
Catered lunch. (If you don't know what this is, your child does not go to Union Academy. It keeps me from having to make a PB&J every day of my life for my son to take to school for lunch.)
Mills Dry Cleaners. (Shout out to Parker Mills. Thank you for doing all of my ironing for me!! Mwaah!!)
Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, Restoration Hardware and all other catalogs that are sent to my house that keep me from folding laundry.)
My Dryer's "Restart" button!! (To go with that folding laundry comment.)
The beach!! (And I am very thankful for my BFF just purchasing me, us, herself a new beach house!!) 
Hand sanitizer. Hand soap. Hand towels, Hand lotion. (Obviously, I have issues.)
And finally, My step stool in my kitchen.  (Since I am fun sized, I have to have a step stool to reach anything on the second and third shelf of my cabinets.)

Okay, so these are the things that I am thankful for.  Don't Judge!! May you all have a very Happy and Safe Thanksgiving!! I will be back on Monday.  I'm taking a few days off unless my family gives me enough material to blog about which is entirely possible!!

Lesson #15,060-Funny People, Being (Not) Themselves

Things that make me laugh...Of course, PEOPLE!!  We can all be very humorous sometimes even when we aren't even trying.  I was pulled up alongside my good friend, at CVS the other day, who happens to be African American and we both drive the same car so this older gentleman walks through the parking lot and comes up to our window and begins to talk to us about how our cars are just alike and we told him that we were sisters.  This guy all of a sudden starts speaking with what I can only describe as a "hood" accent.  He was all of about 60+ years old and he was talking to us with this crazy gangsta voice.  When he walked off, we both burst into laughter.  Did he think she couldn't understand him just speaking "white"?  She does have a law degree from UNC-Chapel Hill!! Please shoot me if I ever do that!!  I take it he was just uncomfortable and probably doesn't have any African Americans as friends and thought that he had to speak that way.  Anyway, we both got a good laugh out of it!!  Don't try and be something you're not, you will end up looking like an idiot.

The only happy boy in this picture is the one in the purple zebra print!! Coincidence?  I think not!!

Actually, I take that back about some of us. (Like me) I can't be myself all of the time.  Otherwise, my son wouldn't have any friends and he would get his ass beat on the playground.  I want to jump and scream at his soccer games but I am under strict orders not to do that.  Also, if I really dressed like I want to, I would only wear pajamas and y'all know (if you have read my blog before) that I am not a fan of seeing other people in their pajamas in Walmart.  I would love to not have to shower everyday too.  What a pain in the rear that is!!  And a total waste of time and water.  I mean, how long have human beings existed?  Why haven't we come up with personal hygiene products that last more than 24 hours?  We have been to the friggin' moon for Pete's sake!! But Noooooooo.  Showering daily is still part of our routines!!



There are so many people who are wannabes these days.  I have even had someone tell me that they wanted to be a social climber.  Who says that out loud?  Really?  I started to say, "Well, honey, you better not try to be friends with me because I will bring you down!"  I'm just gonna let her find out the hard way. Tee Hee Hee!!  Any club that wants me for a member isn't any "exclusive" club and you probably don't want to be a member of that club either!  My husband and I were shocked and amazed when the local country club accepted our application for membership!  Honey, I thought for sure there was no way they would approve that thing!!  They must have needed the money!!  And for some reason, they haven't kicked us out!!  Obviously, they need the money!!



Be yourself.  If you have a loud personality like me, take it down a notch when you need to but still be yourself.  The people that matter won't mind and the people who mind won't matter!! 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Lesson #15,059-Lies We Tell Just Because...

Yes we all tell lies.  If you say that you don't lie, you are lying!! I know this because I can ask all of you if these jeans make my butt look big and 95% of you would say "No, absolutely not" and 4% of you would say "Yes, they kind of do" and 1% of you would tell the truth and say "It's not the jeans that make your butt look big, it's your butt that makes your butt look big".  So there, we all lie except for 1% of you!!  I just made up that statistic so don't go and Google it!  Did you know that 89% of statistics are made up on the spot?  See, I just lied again.  You may want to Google that and see what percentage of statistics are made up on the spot and what percentage are actually researched.


Anyway, LIES.  When I was still in nursing, I would tell my patients that a shot wouldn't hurt.  Apparently, sometimes a shot does hurt.  It just never hurt me when I gave someone a shot so technically I did not lie!!  Oh and when I said that the doctor would be right in to see you, that was a lie and I knew it.  I knew full well that you were going to sit in your undies for a good half hour before he came in your room to see you.  I realize that I should have offered you a magazine before leaving the room but maybe the doctor would, maybe, perchance, this once, come in the room within a reasonable amount of time but it is highly unlikely!!


Other lies we tell which are completely acceptable are lies about what we are doing all day.  Phone rings at 11:00am and I am on Facebook, watching reality TV and eating Nutella but when you ask what I am doing I am going to say "I have been doing laundry all day long".  If I am taking a nap when you call, I may not answer on the first ring because I need to sit up, clear my throat and think of what I am going to tell you what I have been doing.


Then there are the obvious that we tell our husbands.  "Is that new?" No.  "When did you get those shoes?" I have had these shoes for a long time. (A long time can be 2 hours, right?) "Did you go shopping today?" No.  "Did you get a facial today?" No.  "Are we having sex tonight?" Yes.  "Honey, are you asleep?" ... "Honey?" ... "Honey?" ...

Lesson #15,058-Part 2 of Medical Office Stories

So I told a story yesterday about one of the events that happened in a medical office that I worked in so let's see if we can think of any more!! There really are so many stories that I will have to narrow it down to a few good ones.  One of the funniest things that happened was this...There was a little old lady who was always calling or coming in and wanting something, like every day!!  Demanding that the doctor see her immediately.  Demanding, very demanding.  Anyway, if the doctor had any type of in office surgical procedure, such as a mole removal, skin tag removal, freezing off warts, etc. he wanted them scheduled as the very last patient of the day because sometimes they take longer than expected.  Well, on this one day the little old lady brought in 12 pages of paperwork from her insurance company that she needed filled out.  She brought it in when we opened for the day and the doctor hadn't gotten there yet so she dropped the papers off and left.  She returned at about 10:00am and wanted to pick up her papers.  Of course the doctor had not had time to fill them out so she said that she would come back later and we told her that she didn't need to come back without calling first to be sure the paperwork was done.  She said, "Okay" and left.  She dropped back by around noon hoping that maybe the doctor had been able to get them done and we told her again that he had not had time to fill out the paperwork but that we would call her when he had gotten them done.  She left and I swear to you, she came back at 4:00 and we promised her that he had one patient left at 4:30 and would have her paperwork done by 5:00. Well, our last patient was a mole removal.  Now this mole was on this poor man's forehead and if you have ever cut your forehead you know that a head injury bleeds really bad.  Anyway, so me and the other nurse in the office went into the room with the doctor and removed the mole off of the patient's forehead and wow did that thing bleed!! I mean, he bled and bled and we ended up wrapping his head in gauze and the blood even had soaked through that when he was checking out and the old lady walked right in and back to the checkout area to pick up her paperwork because we had promised her that it would be ready.  She runs right into the man who had just had his mole removed and saw all of the gauze and blood and then he had a drop of blood that ran down his forehead and across his face and she said, "Oh my God!!! What happened to that man?" and without missing a beat the other nurse looked at her and said, "He needed some paperwork filled out!"  and we all laughed until we cried!!  That old lady got the hint and didn't bug us for at least 2 weeks!!

Okay, so one last quick story.  I never had anyone pass out on me while I was drawing blood except for one time and that was when a man completely tattooed with 2 sleeves, calves, hands, chest and all.  He told me that he was afraid of needles and I said "Oh hahahaha, sure you are" and he said "No really I am" and I totally laughed at him.  I thought he was kidding because if you can live through tattoos you cannot be that afraid of needles.  Well as soon as I stuck the needle in his arm his eyes rolled back in his head, he turned white as a ghost, broke out in a cold sweat and BAM!!!  He started sliding down in the chair.  I thought, "Well there goes my perfect record and why did it have to be on YOU!!"  How can someone have 47 tattoos and be afraid of needles?  Amazing!!

Lesson #15,057-Life In A Medical Office Is Funny Sometimes

Y'all in my former life I was a medical assistant and worked in a doctor's office.  Man did we have fun!!  Seriously, there are a lot of things that go on in a medical practice that are freaking hilarious.  Sometimes we had sad days when we had to give someone bad news but some days we had fun with our patients.  I can tell a few stories but I will not be able to name names because of HIPPA Laws.  None of you would know who any of these people are and I can't remember anyone's name anyway so here ya go...



#1  The doctor that I worked for had just started a new practice in a small town and he was 1 of only 2 doctors in town.  Everyone knew that the other doctor was a quack so everyone began coming to the new guy in town.  There was a patient who had cancer and was not doing well so what did her family do?  Call 911?  Call Hospice?  Take Mom to the hospital ER?  NOOOOOO.  They brought her to the office half dead and wheeled her in the door in a wheelchair.  Well, needless to say, she died within minutes of coming in the door.  Now remember, this was a new practice in a small town and people were just beginning to come to this office and we really needed it to succeed so we could all keep our jobs.  Well the doctor was quick thinking and decided that there was no way that the family was calling the funeral home to come over and pick up her body so he called 911 and told them to back the ambulance up to the side door.  Well the paramedics got there and put her on the gurney and covered her up and was about to wheel her out of the room when the doctor started screaming and cursing them.  He walked over and propped her up, uncovered her face, put a nasal cannula (oxygen tube) in her nose and then gave the okay for her to be wheeled out.  See funny, right??  Maybe you had to be there.  He actually had a valid point.  I mean, who would ever want to go to a doctor if they saw someone being wheeled out by a funeral director or on a gurney with a sheet covering the patient's head??  Certainly not me!!

I have more.  Come back tomorrow for more...I have to think of another one "clean enough" to tell on this blog.

Lesson #15,056-At "The Show" I Realized I'm Lame!!

If you are from the Charlotte, NC area, you know that every year we have a wonderful tradition.  The Southern Christmas Show.  It is a great show to see what is hot in Christmas decorations and then there is everything else.  There is every type of food that you can imagine.  There are dips, cheeses, Moravian cookies & breads, candied nuts, pastries and oh my goodness, freshly made doughnuts.  They put these hot mini doughnuts in a little bag with either cinnamon sugar or powdered sugar and shake it around and it is the most wonderful confection that you have ever put in your mouth!! YUMMO!!  There are Christmas wreaths, trees, decorated mantles, table displays and even bedroom Christmas decor.  Then there is every craft that you can imagine and every gadget and fad that is hot right now.  So, anyway, I go every year and buy the newest hippest thing and cannot remember what the hot thing was last year!! My friend and I went yesterday and instead of coming home with wonderful decorations, I came home with this really fabulous stain remover and these heat packs/cold packs that you don't have to heat in the microwave.  Good for the aching and aging joints and muscles!  What the Hell happened to me?  I used to spend hundreds of dollars every year on decorations.  I guess since I am older, I have tons of decorations so I bought sensible stuff instead of stuff that I already have!! Now I want to go back and buy a bunch of crap and all of those dip and soup mixes that I used to buy.  Why did I do that???  (As I sit here with one of my new heat packs on my shoulders!  The most wonderful heat that I have ever felt, by the way!! And looking at the stains on the arms of my sofa that I cannot wait until tomorrow to clean off!!)  Oh how times have changed!! If y'all see me wearing sensible shoes, please shake me!!!!!  You know that I have gone over to the dark side of old age!!



Happy Southern Christmas Show Week, y'all!!

Lesson #15,055-What's Happened To This World?

Seriously?? I looked at Yahoo to see what was going on in the world and what do I see??  Elmo has molested a teenage boy.  Can you believe this?  I knew that little monster was no good.  I mean look at his beady little eyes.  Always talking about himself in the 3rd person.  Asking questions about what Elmo is up to and he knows that you know the answer is.  He's just trying to see who would answer.  Evil little monster.  I've got my eye on that little hooker, Zoe too.



Then, living here in the Charlotte area, we have to be neighbors to the "Other Women" of  John Edwards and General Petraeuses.  Why are they all moving here?  And they live in the same neighborhood!! They are trying to blend with the Southern Belles.  Well, Bless their hearts.  Don't they know that Southern Belles will just be dripping with sweet words and casseroles but honey!! We will talk about you after you leave, sweetie!!  Maybe we could have another "Housewives" reality show filmed here.  We could call it "The Real Home Wreckers of Carolina".



Then I read that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up.  What is this world coming to?  These 2 have been the cutest, sweetest couple that has ever graced the world!  I mean, look at their cute little faces.  Shouldn't they be together forever?  I guess not. Oh and that crazy Nicki Minaj is going around picking fights with everyone!  She is a real bad@$$.  First Mariah Carey and now Barbara Walters.  Mariah and Barbara had better watch out because Nicki is gangsta.  



The last article I read on Yahoo was titled "Are Humans Becoming Less Intelligent?"  Well, of course we are!!  They say that humans lost the evolutionary pressure to become more intelligent.  First of all, I don't believe in evolution so I call BS on the reasons that they cited.  Here is the reason that I think we have lost the drive to be more intelligent.  The Internet.  I mean, if you want to know anything you can just look it up on the Internet!!  And you know that everything that you read on the Internet is true because you cannot put anything on the Internet that isn't true.  Abraham Lincoln said so!!  I read that on the Internet. 

Life Lesson #15,054-Human Beings Do Dumb Things

Do we really do dumb things?  Yes, we do.  Of course we do.  Here are a few things that we do that make absolutely no sense whatsoever!

Mowing grass.  Why is that so dumb?  Well, we aerate the lawn.  We plant seeds.  We fertilize the ground.  We put hay on it.  We water it so it will grow and then we cut it.  Huh?  What a complete waste of time!! Why did we spend so much time making it grow only to cut it?  See?  That's a dumb thing!!


Golf.  Now y'all know that most sports are dumb if you really think about the point of the game but golf has got to be the dumbest.  You carry around sticks to hit a little ball into a little hole.  Just drive the golf cart over to the hole, drop it in and then you are done and you can go home!! Then you go and do this eighteen times.  Isn't once enough? Oh and those awful outfits!! Have mercy!!
 

Hair.  Now maybe this one is just me. Every year I want to grow my hair out.  It gets long and then it begins to get on my nerves.  Up in a ponytail it goes!!  I want to wear it long but I don't have the patience or talent to style it. So up in a high ponytail it goes.  Up in a low ponytail.  Up in a twisty bun.  Then I cut it off and hate it and grow it out again only to go back to the ponytail style over and over again.  It's a vicious cycle.
 

Fashion.  Why must we change "What's Hot" every year?  Let's just stick with what is hot right now for a couple of years so we don't have to buy what is hot this season, every season.  Enough!!!  I don't think we look all that bad right now.  I totally understand us changing what was "hot" in the 70's because that was just a hot mess!! But come on!!  Let's just stick with our style one more year so I don't have to buy any new clothes!!


Christmas.  This one is totally the fault of retailers.  Oh and all of us who fall for it every year.  Christmas is Jesus Christ's birthday, not ours.  Jesus was born of a virgin and died for our sins and we give each other gifts.  Huh?  Why not give to the poor?  If we all would donate the money that we spend on Christmas gifts to charity, there would be no poor or homeless people.  Seriously!!  One study said that the average American spends $750 on Christmas gifts.  That money would be better used by a local charity.  Now, I'm not saying to boycott Christmas because it is a fun time of year but why go into debt over Christmas?


Cell Phones.  We all need them, right?  Didn't we live without them 20 years ago?  Then I lived just fine with one installed inside my car for 10 years so just in the past 10 years have we became dependent on our cell phones. We wonder why we are stressed out all of the time?  Well, we are wired 100% of the time.  We feel guilty if we don't answer our phones.  There was a time where you could only catch us at home or at work but now with cell phones being easily portable, you cannot even take a nap on the beach in Fiji without having your cell phone wake you up with a phone call from North Carolina.  Hmmm.  Wonder why sales of medications for stress and anxiety are skyrocketing??  No downtime.


Pets.  What?  Humans aren't enough for you?  We've gotta keep up animals too?  They were living just fine without us for thousands of years.  Dogs, horses and oxen worked for us until 100 years ago.  Now we are our pets' servants!!  You know that we have to serve them, especially if you are a cat owner.  At least a dog will come when called.  My cats look at me like I have 3 heads if I call them.  I have to feed them, put water in their bowl and scoop their poop!  There is not a human being that I have to shovel poop for so why do I have to have a pet that I have to do it for?  That is insanity!!


Okay, yes I have more but y'all are getting bored so I will stop this blog right here!! Am I right though?  We are doing some dumb things!!

Life Lesson #15,053-Pet Peeves

There are no life lessons for you today.  Just seeing how many pet peeves I really have.  Okay, let's go...

1. Constant bragging about your children.  Don't do it!! It's annoying!! You won't hear me talking about how wonderful my child is so don't tell me how perfect yours is.  I know better!!

2.  Cats licking or scratching.  It grosses me out!

3.  An empty gas tank.  Man I hate to throw money into my gas tank!!

4.  Grocery shopping with a bum wheel on my cart!

5.  Christmas ads, decorations, commercials and sales before Thanksgiving.  Let's get through being Thankful for what we have before we go begging Santa for what we don't!

6.  Dumb questions.  If I am crying, don't ask me if I'm okay.  I'm not, obviously!!

7.  Mildew on a shower curtain.  "Mildew resistant" does not mean it will not mildew!!

8.  Water on the countertop in the bathroom or kitchen.  If you splash water, please wipe it up!!

9.  Inside out clothing in the laundry basket.  Would it kill ya to turn your socks and underwear right side out?

10. Being hot.

11. Being cold.

12. No good shows on Bravo.

13. Nothing to wear.

14. Ironing.

15. People who assume because I am a stay-at-home mom that I have nothing to do all day.  (I have to get my nap today.)

16. Losing my phone while it is on vibrate.  I've never lost it when I have the ringer on full power!!

17. Lip liner that I have to sharpen.

18. Empty toilet paper roll.  It takes 5 seconds to change the roll.  I timed it today.  (Yes, literally.)

19. Finding a spoon after I started the dishwasher!

20. Rude people.  Why be that way and try to make other people feel dumb.  It just makes you look like a bully.

21. People who claim to be tolerant and cannot tolerate someone else's opinion!

22. A dead cell phone battery.

23. Two drops of milk in the milk jug.

24. Those pictures on Facebook that say "Like" if you love Jesus, "Ignore" if you want to go to Hell.  God will not send me to Hell for not liking your photo of a kitten.

25. Crumbs on the couch.

Oh wow.  I am a real B!!  Those were just off the top of my head without thinking for more than a few minutes.  I must be psycho!! Or maybe just a ton of things annoy me!!

Life Lesson #15,052-Ya Can't Have "It" Forever

It's true.  No matter how much Botox, filler, plastic surgery, lifting this or tucking that, you cannot have "It" forever.  What is "It"?  I don't know.  I just know that I no longer have it.  I am not sure when I lost it but it is gone.  I used to drive down the road and men in work trucks used to blow the horn and whistle and say rude and crude things to me.  I would flip them the bird and drive away.  I used to walk past construction workers and they would just about fall off the roof checking me out.  I used to get so offended.  I used to curse them!!  Now??  Nobody has accosted me in ages. Nobody has whistled at me.  Nobody has almost wrecked their work truck checking me out.  Nobody has shouted obscene comments at me lately and I am upset about it.  What the heck?  I have lost it!!



What did I lose?  I thought if you had "it" you would always have it.  Apparently, I was wrong.  Just because I have a few extra pounds and a few more gray hairs (which I color every 5 weeks) and a few more wrinkles and age spots, who cares??  Shoot me a whistle once in a while.  I will probably roll my eyes and act all offended but in reality, I will be saying "YES" in my mind!! 



If you are a construction worker, a garbage collector, a road worker or even a prisoner picking up trash on the side of the road, for Pete's sake, holler at us older women!!  We still feel like we got it.  We may be living in denial but throw us a bone!!  Offend us!! Yell "Hey Baby" at us.  Give us a whistle!!  A little "Woooooo" would be good too.  Throw in a "Let me get your digits" and we will be so happy.  Please do it when we are coming out of exercise classes so that we have on our spandex!!  Don't forget that we have to act like we hate it but just know that you are doing a good deed!!

Life Lesson #15,051-Make Everyday Special

Why do we save our good china?  Who are we saving it for?  I mean, the people who mean the most to me would gladly eat on paper plates.  If I am eating on my good china, I probably am not very comfortable with whomever I am eating.  Actually, I have never eaten on my good china.  I have been married for 16 years and have never, ever eaten on it!! What a waste of good china!

Why don't we burn our candles?  They smell so nice and make for great lighting.  They aren't that expensive so why not enjoy them?  Who has to visit for me to actually light my candles?  What am I waiting for?  Isn't today special enough?  It's Wednesday for Pete's sake!!

Let's use those fancy towels and break out the good sheets!!  Who doesn't want to sleep on 1500 thread count sheets?  Why are the large, thick, white towels reserved for guests?  I can afford new ones at TJ Maxx for guests!!  Why not enjoy them myself?  I am going to put those nice sheets on my bed right now!!  The guests are gonna get my ratty old navy blue towels.  So sorry if you are planning a visit to the Bromfield Inn anytime soon but you will be getting the 300 thread count sheets!! Luckily, I don't buy cheap toilet paper so even visitors will still get the Charmin.  I may have to start buying little chocolates for my guests if I make them sleep on the cheap sheets.  Oh and bath salts!! Why save them?? Enjoy them!!!!!!

What about the crystal glasses?  What about the couple pieces of silver that I have?  I got them as wedding gifts.  If I get them out, I will probably have to find some Tarnex because I have never used them before.  They are still in the same box that they came in.  Isn't that just sad?  What is wrong with me?  And my crystal glasses!! I have used them!  I love them!!  I usually use them when I have a crowd and have used up all of my glass glasses! Or maybe even my plastic cups!!

Okay everyone, Let's celebrate today!! It's a great day to be alive!! It's Wednesday!! Isn't that special enough?  I will give you something to celebrate...No more campaign ads!! That is one thing to celebrate!! Even if your choice didn't win the elections, let us all celebrate that and celebrate that it is a new day!!  So if you come to my house tonight, I will be wearing a ball gown, a tiara, silk shoes and eating hot dogs on all of my good china by candlelight!!  Make everyday special!!

Life Lesson #15,050-Your Children Only Get One Childhood

Okay, this one is for parents.  We all know how quickly time passes but to our children, their childhood passes slowly.  The longest 12 years of my life were when I was in school.  I remember how slowly time seemed to creep by.  Once I got married and started a family time sped up.  As soon as my son was born, life has seemed to pass at light speed.  I have to remember that for him time is passing slower than for me.  I have to remember that he only has one childhood.  Will he look back on his childhood and smile?  Will he say that I was always there for him?  Will he think that I spent enough time with him?  Will he feel loved?  Will he want to come home to visit or just come see us at Christmas, out of obligation?  When he gets married will he want to live nearby or want to move as far away as possible?  All of these questions are being determined right now and I have to remember this. If I don't want my son to move across the country when he grows up, I have to play Checkers with him now.  If I want to enjoy seeing my grandchildren in 25 years, I had better give him hugs and kisses today.

 

Life gets so busy and everyone knows that I love a nap but it is more important to make sure that my son knows that I have time for him than to take a nap sometimes.  I miss that snuggle time that we used to have when he was younger.  I could wrap my arms around him and he would snuggle up to me and go to sleep in 5 minutes.  Now he's too big and too busy and sometimes too stinky!!  I really miss those days!! Like I said, it goes too fast.  Speed of light fast!!  If you have ever read the book "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch, you know the unconditional love that any good mother has for her children.  It's the kind of love that fills your entire heart.  It cannot be explained.  It can only be felt.  You feel it the moment you look into the face of your child for the first time. 

 

Okay so my point in all of this rambling is that our children get to be kids once and we only get one chance to be great parents.  Our words shape who they are and who they become.  Our time means more to our children than what we can give them materially.  We are responsible for their needs.  Their needs include not only clothing, food and shelter but also time! That is the one thing that costs us nothing but means so much. Spend time with your "babies" today!!  (Forever my baby you'll be.) 

Life Lesson #15,049-Politics Explained

So there is some sort of election tomorrow.  Have y'all heard about it?  Lots of people running for judges, clerks of court, school boards, city council, county commissioners, governors, senators, house of representatives and even president and vice president.  Are these people nuts?  Who wants to be in charge of this mess?  No matter what you do, you will make half of the people mad.  If you are a democrat or a republican, you already don't have 1/2 the vote.  So, 1/2 the people aren't going to like you or listen to anything that you have to say just because they don't like your political party. 



Seriously, who really wants to be in charge of this country?  You must be crazy!! I mean, that's like saying that you want to move into a house that has burned down.  Sure, sign me up for that!!  Actually the house is still on fire!! And guess what??  Everyone wants credit for calling the fire department, getting the fire trucks there, pulling out the water hoses, turning on the water and putting the fire out.  But then there is red tape to cut through before you can pick up the phone and speak to the 911 operator.  It must be approved by 2 different sides that hate one another.  Then we must pick a firehouse to respond. This one is closer but this one has done more for the city than the other one.  This one has a bigger truck that holds more water but the other one has a ladder truck.  Let's put that up for discussion then award the contract to this firehouse.  The discussion is deadlocked while the house is still burning down.  The residents are screaming "The house is on fire and now it is spreading" but the two sides continue to fight.  Honestly!! Who wants this job?



Why do we call it a "Political Party"?  That is crap!  I went and voted last week and nobody was partying!! There was no wine, BBQ, chips & salsa, cake or even a balloon.  I did, however, get a sticker when I walked out of the building.  Gee thanks!! A glass of Moscato would have better!!  Of course, if they were passing out wine, I am sure it would have had to have been wine approved by all political parties, the environmentalists, the labor unions and the ABC Board.  I think I will just buy my own because that wine would probably taste like crap if all sides agreed on it!!

 

So I promised you in my title that your life lesson today would explain politics. Here goes...Ummm. Uhhh.  Hmmm.  Oooh.  Yeah.  Look, I can't explain it.  Just go and vote.  Educate yourself on all the candidates and what they are for and against.  Pray for our country and our leaders.  That's all we can do.

Life Lesson #15,048-Ma'am??

OMG!! Within 30 seconds two different people called me ma'am yesterday!! When did that happen?  When did I become a ma'am?  I know that I live in the South and there are gentlemen here, but ma'am??  One girl was about 19-years old but the other person was a man about my age.  Did he think I was older than him or was he just  being a Southern gentleman??  Did the word "Ma'am" directly correlate to my age or was it just him being polite?  What the heck??  Am I ready to be a ma'am?  I mean, I haven't gone through ma'am training.  I haven't read the rules of what being a ma'am requires.  What do I need to change?  Would I need to change anything at all?  I'm a little afraid of the life after the ma'am becomes permanent.  Will I be required to be proper?  Do I need to wear white gloves to tea?  Do I need to go to tea? Should I find ladies to go to tea with?  Where can I get tea?  Are my friends ready to be ma'ams too?  It is a huge responsibility to be a ma'am.  I don't think I am worthy of the title just yet!!  I mean, I don't wear pearls and eat scones daily.  I do not even use The Queen's English!! Oh for Pete's sake!! I am not ready for the ma'am thing!! I just am not ready for it!!  Maybe a few more years and maybe once I am nominated to the Garden Club or The Women's Club.  Who am I kidding?  Who's gonna nominate me to those exclusive clubs???  Hahaha!!  So, we agree that I am not ready for this Ma'am responsibility, right?



So what do I say to someone who says something like, "Excuse me, ma'am"?  Should I correct them and let them know immediately that I have not been accepted into that exclusive club yet?  Should I just keep my mouth shut and let them think that I am part of that upper echelon of society?  What to do??? What to do??? Ma'am is really a title that should only be worn by those who deserve it, like a Princess, Queen, Lady, Madame, etc.   Can I refuse to be a ma'am or am I required to take the title when more than one person calls me ma'am in the same day?  I need help!!!

I think if you are under 20-years old, you are a young 'un but at what age are you a ma'am?  Please don't tell me that I must accept it when people start calling me ma'am!! I refuse!!!

Life Lesson #15,047-The Human Body Won't Last Forever!

Good Grief!  What is the deal with the body starting to fall apart so young?  I can deal with some things but to look at myself when I was 29 and now that I am 39, ahem, 40, okay, okay, I'm 42!!  It just rips my little ole heart out!! What the heck happened to me??  I did not have jowls!! I did not have a muffin top!! I did not have gray hair!! I did not have achy joints!! I did not have saddlebags on my thighs and I most certainly did not have sagging boobs!! What the heck??  Then I look at my husband, the jerk!!  He was too skinny when we got married so now that he has put on a few pounds and has some laugh lines, he actually looks better!! The nerve of him!!

So I have to go to the orthopedic doctor tomorrow because my shoulder is hurting and I am not sure what I have done to it.  I am seriously considering having him x-ray my knee and one of my fingers because they hurt also!!  Why not just have a full body scan?  What the heck??  I have shrunk from 5'1" to 4'11".  Something must be wrong with my bones! Don't you dare say osteoporosis!!

 

No wonder so many people fork out tons of money for plastic surgery, Botox, fillers, hair dye and Spanx!! We cannot stand to age!!  Someone said that they wish everyone would just stop everything that they were doing and fight fair against this aging thing.  I say, "Heck No!!"  I can't let middle age win!! As long as I can afford a Sharpie I will never have roots!!  Haha!!  I mean, aging doesn't fight fair.  Why should I just let it win?  It will win in the end anyway, right?  Maybe I will start senility early.  Hmm. Come to think of it, maybe I already am senile.  I mean, how would I know?

Getting old stinks but coming to the realization that you have already felt the best you are ever gonna feel is depressing!!  Achy bones, graying hair, sagging body parts and the ever expanding waistline is for the birds!! Every time I almost fall down I think about how much I don't want to break a hip!  No contact sports for me!! I will just sit here and knit!!  Okay, I won't knit but I'm not going to be running bases and catching passes!! That's for sure!!

Let's make every day count!! Every gray haired, age spotted, sagging here and there, false toothed one of us!!