Lesson #15,063-The Non-Joys of Pregnancy and After That Nobody Will Tell You

Ahh, yes.  The joys of being pregnant and having those sweet babies.  Is there anything more wonderful than that?  No.  Absolutely NOT!!  But...Okay, I'm about to tell you the truth about all of that crap!!  First, while you are pregnant your body goes through many, many changes.  Your belly goes from a cute little baby bump to an enormous, alien implanted, hot air balloon. Even though you give birth to an 8 pound alien, your stomach does not flatten out right away.  I could not believe that my belly was the same exact size after having my son as it was when I went into the delivery room.  What the heck?  Then I ended up with one big stretch mark on my belly after rubbing that stupid cocoa butter all over it, every day along with Vitamin E.  I have about 14 stretchmarks on my hips!! What in the world??  Then the breasts.  Wow, what a serious change do they go through. Before pregnancy, the breasts are nice and perky.  Usually not too big or too small.  During pregnancy they begin to swell and by the time the baby is born, you really believe that they cannot swell any more but to your surprise, when your milk comes in your breasts look like water balloons and they are so sore that you cannot even walk without holding them still.  Your husband will think that they are the most beautiful things that he has ever seen but do not, I repeat, DO NOT let him touch them!! You will truly be sorry and he will be too because you would have already kicked his soft spot so hard that he will feel his testicles beating in his heart.

There are a few more things that should be mentioned in those pregnancy books that are not.  Let's talk about hemorrhoids. You may never have had them before but after carrying a child that is pushing everything you have down already and then you push out that baby, YOU WILL HAVE THEM!!  When they get really bad, you can sit in a tub of the hottest water that you can stand and they will shrink a little.  Some go away and some stay.  Just according to your luck!  I am unlucky so there they are!!! 13 years later!!  Okay, now the one thing that I never even heard of was the incredible sense of smell that you develop when you are pregnant.  I could smell any odor or aroma from the day of conception!!  Smells that I loved now made me sick to my stomach.  Once while I was pregnant, I was in the drive thru line at McDonald's (Don't Judge) and I had my windows up and no AC or Heat running in my car and I could smell a cigarette burning from 2 cars ahead of me in the line.  Seriously!! I thought I smelled cigarette smoke and looked all around and finally spotted the driver flicking his ashes from the car ahead of the car in front of me in line.  To me, it smelled like he was in the car with me!!  It was crazy!!

Oh and then there is the miserable breathing thing.  You cannot catch your breath during the last few weeks of pregnancy.  You cannot get comfortable and then not being able to breathe is even worse than that.  Your nose gets all stopped up and then your nose spreads all the way across you face!!  It is amazing.  It looks like someone has taken a flat iron to it!!  You actually feel like a pug and sound like one too!!  Snort, wheeze, snot.  Kleenex is your friend.  I never saw any of this in those lovey, dovey, sweet talk, sugar-coated pregnancy books.  Oh and if you take Lamaze, don't let that dumbass old lady that teaches your course talk you into trying childbirth without an epidural.  Trust me on this one.  She is just pissed that she didn't get one when she was having her children!!  If you can do it without an epidural then good for you.  I didn't and I don't feel guilty about it!!  Not once have I thought, "Hmmm.  Maybe I should have tried to have that baby without the epidural and have all of that pain."!!  Seriously, not even once!!!  Oh and breastfeeding is a great thing but it is not for everyone. Some people don't want to do it.  Some people want to do it and can't.  If it is stressing you out then buy the formula and don't let anyone guilt you for not doing it!!  It's your baby, not theirs!!

There is a lot that we aren't told about during pregnancy.  These are just a few things.  Listen, learn to enjoy your baby.  Don't stress about anything because the baby can tell when you are stressed.  Sleep when the baby sleeps.  The dishes will still be there when you wake up from your nap.  The beds don't have to be made.  The toys don't have to be picked up every 15 minutes.  Trust me on these things!!