Lesson #15,081-Happy New Year, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

So it's a new year!  2013!!  What are you so happy about?  Is it that you are glad that 2012 is over and you feel like turning over a new leaf?  This year we are gonna lose weight and smile more and travel more and whatever your resolution is.  But what are we so happy about?  I mean, why do we go out and have a party and celebrate?  Your car just depreciated a few thousand dollars.  You're getting another year older this year.  Your taxes are coming due.  So what are we so happy about?  Maybe it's because we are optimistic that this year is gonna be better than the last.  I sure hope so.  I hope that all of your dreams come true this year.  Whatever goal that you set for yourself or your family, I hope that you achieve it!  I wish for all of my readers health and happiness for the coming year. 

What can we do to stick to our resolutions this year?  What can we do to keep going to the gym in February when it is cold outside?  What can we do to make sure that we don't overextend ourselves financially this year?  What can we do differently from last year to make sure that we spend more time with our families and commit to our spouses and children to spend quality time together?  What can we do to make sure that we do for others this year?  Do we have a friend call us and make us go to the gym even when we don't want to?  Maybe.  Do we cut up our credit cards and only use them in emergencies?  Maybe.  Do we dare tell our children to remind us of our resolution to do more with them?  Maybe.  They will probably remind us of this when we just want to take a nap so maybe we just set a day every week to make sure that everyone is free on, say, Thursday night to sit down and have a meal together uninterrupted.  No cell phones.  No laptops.  No TV.  Nothing during dinnertime just once per week!!  Do we go ahead and call a charity and say put me down to help at least one day per month all year long?  We all get caught up in the daily grind.  We all get caught up in whatever is going on in our lives.  But this is a new year!!  So let's all rededicate ourselves to our families, our friends, our church, our organization, our health and finances or whatever you want to change this year!!  We can do this!!!!

Happy New Year, Everyone!!

Lesson #15,080-Resolutions. Yeah, Right!!

So.  Has everyone made their New Year's Resolutions?
Here are the Top Ten for 2013:  (According to about.com)
1.   Spend More Time With Family & Friends
2.   Make Time For Fitness
3.   Lose Weight
4.   Quit Smoking
5.   Enjoy Life More
6.   Quit Drinking
7.   Get Out of Debt
8.   Learn Something New
9.   Help Others
10. Get Organized

All honorable resolutions, don't ya think?  No wonder we party like wild animals on New Year's Eve!!  We want to break every rule the day before New Year's Day!!  We get a babysitter for the kids so we don't have to spend the night with the family. (Breaking #1)  We sit on the couch and watch the ball drop in Times Square so we don't have to stand or walk around anywhere. Then we shovel in the food at the party that we are attending.  Every meatball, every shrimp and every mini cupcake had better hide because they are MINE!! (Breaking #2 & #3)  We smoke the last 15 cigarettes that we have left in our last pack before midnight beginning at 10:45! (#4) Can't leave even one cigarette in the pack or else we will have to smoke them tomorrow!!!  Well #5 is really easy to keep unless you drink or smoke so much that it makes you too sick to enjoy life!!  Quitting drinking (#6) is easy on New Year's Day because you usually drink so much the night before that you actually swear off of alcohol for at least a week!!  Maybe a month if you really overdo it!  #7 won't be easy to keep because we just spent way too much on Christmas and we will probably spend the better part of 6 months paying the credit cards off.  How about not spending $3,000 on Christmas next year and you won't put yourself in that kind of debt again?  Believe me, showing someone that you love them doesn't take diamonds and labels every year!!  Learning something new (#8) is easy to do because you learn something new everyday especially if you read my blog!! (Shameless, I know!!)  Now #9 is one that we all should take seriously.  There are homeless people even in our small town and we have a community shelter that not only needs money but also needs volunteers to help serve meals or lend a hand to the shelter.  We can donate blood to the Red Cross if we are healthy.  We can definitely do something to help others, even if we don't have any extra money to give.  #10 Bahahahahaha!! That is sooooo easy for anyone who doesn't have ADD.  I know that I need to organize my cabinets and closets but I just can't!! My ADD won't let me finish anything!!  I really need for someone to come over and pull everything out of my cabinets and leave.  Then I guess I would have to do it!!  Anyone??  Anyone??  Bueller??

On a serious note, please don't drink and drive tonight.  If you are planning on even drinking one drink, have a designated driver or call a taxi service.  If you drink tonight and hadn't planned on it, you can call this number and they will take you home and even tow your car free of charge. 1-800-222-4357. Now you have no excuse to drink and drive!!!  I need you all to come back tomorrow and keep reading my blog so maybe someday I can get paid for this!!!  That is reason enough not to die!!  You don't want to miss my blog!!

Lesson #15,079-Shopping With A Teenage Boy...SMH

Okay, for those of you who don't know what SMH stands for, it stands for "Shaking my head".  Yep, that's teen lingo.  Lingo is also slang.  Slang is now their abbreviations for everything and the list is ever-changing. Did y'all know that LOL is out?  Totally not cool anymore!! Per my 13-year old, nobody uses that anymore! I guess I had better stop using it or else I am not going to be cool!!  Oh yeah, that ship sailed a long time ago.  As a matter of fact, I am not sure that I was ever cool.  Certainly not in high school.  Maybe I thought I was in college, but I really wasn't.  I absolutely, positively am no longer cool, if I ever was. 

Shopping with a teenage boy has made me realize just how uncool I am.  Well, we go into this store called Abercrombie & Fitch and I have to leave because the overwhelming smell of their cologne gave me a migraine.  After that we went to the Puma store and that store's prices gave me a migraine.  Then we went to a store called Hollister.  Have y'all ever been inside one of these stores?  If any of you do drugs, do not go in there.  Seriously, if you have a seizure disorder, you cannot shop in there.  If you are prone to panic attacks, you cannot shop in there.  If you are afraid of the dark, you cannot shop in there.  The music is so loud that your eardrums vibrate and pound audibly in your head.  It is so dark that I pulled out my flashlight and my son made me put it away.  I stumped my freaking toe and banged my knee on the way out of there.  And the fumes coming off of every surface in that store made me lightheaded and dizzy.  Now, I have never dropped acid before but I have a feeling that it isn't much different than a trip inside a Hollister store.  I couldn't see a darn thing so maybe we will shop online from that store.  Seriously, why would you want to have your store so dark, so loud and so smelly?  That is one way to keep the 40 something crowd out of your store.  Come to think of it, I have never seen anyone my age wearing anything from Hollister.  They are missing out on a whole crowd of people who probably have the money to shop in their store.  These teenagers walking around in this store don't have jobs!! Their parents have the money!!  Turn up the lights.  Turn down the music and tone down the cologne cloud that greets everyone at the door and I bet your sales go up through the roof!!  I left that mall with a booming migraine after going in Hollister and I swear to you that I never saw anything in the store!! If holding your ears, covering your nose and mouth, and squinting don't bother you then Hollister is your store!!

After throwing up and taking a narcotic for my migraine, we went to the food court.  Look around.  There are 20 restaurants of all types around us.  What does my child pick?  Not Sbarro!! The largest piece of pizza that you have ever seen.  Not Great Wall of China!! The best Lo Mein noodles on the planet.  Not Great Steak where they give you a "cup" of real fried potatoes!!  He chooses McDonald's!!  Apparently, that is the cool place to eat among 13-year old boys.  Seriously?  We have McDonald's on every corner!!  Get yourself a giant piece of pizza!!  Get a lunch of Annie's Pretzels!!  Just eat something that you don't usually get to have!!  I'm gonna have a side of beef, slathered with cheese and a large Coke!! We can't get this on every street corner!!

Anyway, shopping with a teenage boy is a joy...No, Really.

Lesson #15,078-Holidays Are For Eating

Right?  Holidays are all about food.  Some people think the holidays are all about gifts but it's really food.  Thanksgiving Day is all about the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, macaroni and cheese, rice, sweet potato casserole and bread.  Oh yea, it is about being thankful for what you have been blessed with but the holiday is centered around a meal with family or friends.

Christmas is all about the food too.  Some snacks are only available during Christmas.  I don't mean fruit cake, although fruit cake is only on store shelves during the Christmas season but I never see sausage balls, date balls or peanut butter balls.  There are a lot of balls that are only around during the Christmas season.  Some cakes are more common around Christmas, besides fruit cake.  I hardly ever see coconut cake or Hershey bar cake or even red velvet cake any other time of year.

New Years Day is all about the food too.  New Years Eve, you may have drank too much and feel really bad but on New Year's Day you have to eat pork, some sort of greens and black-eyed peas.  It has something to do with being unlucky if you don't eat that food on New Years Day.  Personally, I think we all should eat Millionaire Pie or Millionaire Cake on New Years Day.  Maybe eat a 100 Grand candy bar.  Anything to make money come our way this year!!  Maybe we should call Bill Gates and ask him what he usually eats or maybe Warren Buffett.  It seems that almost everyone that eats the pork, greens and black-eyed peas are doing something wrong.

Oh but then comes January 2nd and we are all miserable and have 10 extra pounds to get rid of so we all join a gym or actually go to the gym that we are members of.  A few years ago, my OB/GYN asked me if I worked out and I told him that I paid my gym membership every month and he explained to me that merely being a member of a gym would not make me healthy.  I actually have to "go to" the gym to get healthy!! What??  That explained why I had not lost an ounce since I joined the gym!! Oh well.  Off to get that muffin top off again!!  Oh who am I kidding?  My muffin top has turned into a pound cake!!!  Here's to making and keeping our New Year's Resolution in 2013!!

Lesson #15,077-50 Shades of Cray Cray!!

The holidays are crazy.  Between the shopping, spending, cooking, visiting, being visited, cleaning. decorating, entertaining and gritting your teeth, the holidays can drive YOU crazy.  You have no excuse not to go and see the people that you only see once a year and you know that you cannot get out of it so you suck it up and cook tons of food and go to Grandma's house and you have to see your crazy Aunt Beverly.  She has always pointed out your flaws at every opportunity.  This is why we only see Aunt Beverly once a year!!  When I was a young teen, I wasn't tall enough. (I never grew so she accepted it.)  When I was a little older, I didn't have any boobs. (Well, they grew when I was like 21-years old.)  Then I wasn't married at 25 so we had to remedy that the next year.  Then for 3 years we didn't have any children so I had to fix that.  I did all of these things in my life just so Aunt Beverly would shut the hell up!  Now I am 42-years old and have a muffin top and you know that old bat had to point out that I had gained some weight.  Again, this is why we see her only once a year.  I suppose she saves up all of her crap, all year long so she can send us all into therapy for the next year.  Oh well, I can wait another year to see Aunt Beverly!! Doesn't everyone have that one person in their family that they can do without seeing?  Crazy Aunts abound!!

If your extended family doesn't drive you crazy, one of your friends' friend might!  I mean, how many parties were we invited to this year?  I know that we are awesome!!  Totally!!  Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday in December there is a party to attend.  Then a couple of parties during the week.  Y'all are about to wear me out!!  I cannot be having a hangover 5 days a week!!  And yes I do have to drink to be at these parties because there is one person at each party that you go to that will be the dreaded "Aunt Beverly" some day!! Ya know the type?  Here goes the conversation:  "So what do you do for a living?" "Well, I am a stay-at-home mom so that keeps me very busy." "Oh.................How cute."  "Cute? What is that supposed to mean?  Only my Aunt Beverly is allowed to say that crap to me."!!!  Yes, you know that there is one of these at every party.  You can try to avoid it like the plague but eventually that person will have annoyed everyone else and you will be the last victim of the night!!

Shopping may make you crazy if the parties and the family haven't driven you there already!  Large crowds, grumpy shoppers, rude sales clerks, no parking spaces, long lines at the registers, limited merchandise, uncomfortable shoes, you know what I mean, right?  And forget gift wrapping anymore.  You're lucky if you can even get a box for your shirt!! Half the time they don't even have one of those left!!  The rude clerk just says, "Sorry, we are out of boxes" in that rude voice.  (Like that is going to make it better!! Now I have to go to Target and get some shirt boxes!!  And then I get to go home and wrap the gifts myself!!)  When you are the "stay-at-home mom" you end up doing all of the shopping except for yourself and sometimes you end up doing some of that too!! Not only do you have to buy everyone's gifts, you have to buy the groceries too!!  Oh and don't let one bag of cookie mix go unbaked because the men in your house will drive you crazy until you have fixed all 140 dozen cookies!!

Anyway, after all of the craziness of the holidays, it is nice to just take a nerve pill, have a glass of wine, take an Ambien and go to bed!!  Just breathe.  Take a deep breath, swallow your pills and forget about your crazy family, crazy people at parties and crazy sales clerks.  If you don't, it will make you 50 shades of crazy!!  So, everyone have a wonderful New Years party and forgive Aunt Beverly and the soon-to-be Aunt Beverlys in your life!!

Lesson #15,076-The "Special" Christmas Tree

So I have been getting blessed out by my so called "friends" about not posting a blog all week.  I won't call any names but Kim is the worst!! A N Y W A Y...

So let's talk about Christmas trees.  Everyone has that one pretty tree with all of your nice ornaments.  Some of you are crazy sports fans and have another tree with your favorite teams ornaments covering it.  Some of you have a tree of nothing but elves.  Some of you have a Santa tree.  The one tree that is a MUST to have when you have children is the "Special" tree.  It is the tree that has all of the "crap", I meant to say very special "ornaments" that they have made at preschool, elementary school and church.  I have a popsicle stable that my son made at preschool and poor Baby Jesus is upside down.  The plaster of Paris ornaments that are hand painted by a 3-year old are really great.  No really.  The Handprint Rudolph with the tip of the middle finger painted as the red nose.  Yep.  Those "Special" ornaments.

I actually have 4 trees. The "Special" Tree, The "Pretty" Tree, The "Stick" Tree and The "Food" Tree.  The "Food" Tree is in my kitchen.  All of the ornaments have something to do with food or drink.  I have itty bitty wine glasses and martini glasses alongside hamburgers and cupcakes.  And my favorite small Mark Roberts fairy is on that tree.  He has a little chef's hat on!! So cute!! The Stick Tree is one of those short and somewhat skinny trees.  It is all green and silver and another of the Mark Roberts Fairies.  The Pretty Tree is all of the pretty ornaments that we have and the colors all match and guess what I did? I forgot to put the ribbon/garland on that tree.  Oh well.  Then there's the "Special" Tree.  Now don't get me wrong.  I love those ornaments and would never get rid of any of them because my son made them when he was little and they are special.  The ones that are left anyway.  I had to get rid of the paper plate decorated with wrapping paper made to look like an ornament.  A HUGE ornament!! I think the preschool teachers should have made that a wreath instead of an ornament.  I could have put the wreath on the back door.  (To scare away the birds.) Is that mean?  Oh well, y'all know it's true.  Y'all do the same thing, right?  I mean, it is great to have all of those precious memories.  Just not on the Pretty Tree, right?? 

Lesson #15,075-Children Are Thieves

Okay, so our children are thieves.  Anyone who is a parent know that they steal from you.  The first thing they steal from you when they are tiny babies is sleep.  Mama and Daddy are laying in their beds, sleeping soundly.  We have made sure to feed the baby and get him to sleep.  We turned off all of the lights and locked all of the doors.  We have put the cat out for the night and set the alarm clock for the morning.  So, why are you waking us up in the middle of the night?  Anything that small cannot be hungry every 2 hours.  They are thieves stealing our sleep!! I can forgive this one because I tried explaining to him, at one week old, that it was inappropriate for him to keep me up all night but apparently one week old babies don't comprehend what we are saying. 

Then they get a little older and you cannot have a cup of anything to yourself.  If you have a cup, a juice box, a mug or stein of anything to drink, they are going to have some.  Hide your shot glasses because they will think it is just a small drink, all for them!!  Honestly, my son is 13 and I cannot have a can of soda to myself without him putting his big ole lips all over it.  I swear, you just have to take 6 steps to the kitchen and get your own can of soda. We don't live in a 20,000 square ft. house!!  There is even a small refrigerator upstairs with your drinks in them!!! Ummm. Hello!!

Then they get a little older and they steal your money.  Literally.  If you leave money on the counter, dresser, desk, or even in your pocketbook it will get taken!!  I know this because my child does not have a job. He isn't selling his stuff on eBay or our local online yard sale and the kid has more money in his pocket than I have in mine. I just did laundry and found about $3 in his pockets!!  He not only steals from me but also his father.  Then every Saturday he will bring his change that he has collected around the house all week to his dad and gets dollar bills for it.  This kid is running a scam on us!!

The worst offense is not money, drink or sleep but my stash of candy!!  Okay, so let me explain it to you.  You have free reign of all of the candy in the kitchen, the pantry, the living room bowl or your daddy's bowl.  You do not have an all access pass to anything in the bottom drawer of my nightstand, hidden under the newspaper.  Got it??  That is my stash of good chocolate and if you are younger than 42 and male then you are not to even look at my stash!!  Those are Mommy Chocolates!!

Honestly, children will steal anything.  You walk off from your sandwich, you better take it with you.  You want to see your iPhone ever again, better take it with you.  You want to finish that bag of chips, better take them with you.  Want to take a nap on the couch with your child?  You had definitely better get 2 blankets because they will steal the entire blanket for themselves.  If you want to keep your sanity, forget it.  It's gone as soon as that baby is born.

There are numerous other items that are stolen from us.  Ya know, like the TV remote.  They steal this and change the TV to SpongeBob and then hide the remote so you cannot change the TV or turn the volume down.  They know full well that I cannot find the buttons on the side of the TV to change the channel or volume so they do this on purpose!!  They also steal your seat every time you get up!!  My laptop is always MIA.  My son has the best laptop in the house because his is the newest and because he kept stealing ours but for some reason he still uses mine.  I am missing the "up" key and the "Caps Lock" sticks but he still likes mine better.  What the heck??  Little thief!!

I guess this is all okay.  As long as he keeps stealing kisses from his mom then he can steal everything in this house!!  And yes, even my chocolate that is stashed in the bottom drawer of my nightstand and hidden under the newspaper.  Rob me blind, dahling but keep the kisses coming!!  He also STOLE my heart when I first laid eyes on him!!

Lesson #15,074-Men Need Banged Up Side The Head Sometimes

If your man is like mine, he doesn't get subtle hints.  He doesn't get obvious hints.  He, most of the time, doesn't get it when I come right out and say, "This is what I want"!  I have been married for 16 years and have been with the same man for 19 years.  God love him but he gives horrible gifts.  He's a good man, a good provider and a good husband and father but he is a horrible gift giver.  He was brought up only getting one gift from his parents on Christmas and birthdays were not a big deal.  I always got tons of gifts for Christmas and my parents always made a big deal of birthdays.  Yes, we literally grew up on opposite sides of the world.  He has learned to take part in Thanksgiving, Independence Day and all other American holidays that he didn't grow up celebrating but his gift giving skills have not improved much.  Sooooo.  I had to resort to the hinting.  Well, that didn't go so well.  A few years ago there was a jacket that I wanted and so I hinted about where it was and how much I liked it.  Bless his heart, he went to the mall and went to JC Penny and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  Then he went to Sears and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  Then he went to some store that I have never heard of and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  I am pretty sure he could have bought the jacket that I wanted if he wouldn't have bought 3 ugly ones that I didn't.  Oh well. Don't get me wrong. I love a clearance rack, just not those!!

I do believe that I have seriously figured out a way to get just what I want.  I want a pair of Bailey Button, Size 6, Ugg Boots, Chestnut in color.  I found the cheapest ones on the Internet and emailed him the link.  I even told him that was all I wanted.  Seriously, since I bought myself all of those great clothes at GAP and J. Crew when I was supposed to be Christmas shopping, I don't need anything else.  Honestly, we are going to help some other families who aren't as fortunate as we are and I feel like a big ole piece of crap asking for another handbag or piece of jewelry that I don't need.  I'm not a big jewelry person anyway.  I would rather have a couple nice pieces of jewelry and have plenty of shoes than only get jewelry at every occasion.  Don't get me wrong.  I would never turn away one of those little blue boxes with a white bow.  I ain't no fool!  However, I love shoes!! I have an obsession with shoes.  If I were a billionaire I would have a library of shoes to go with my tshirts!! (Y'all know I love a nice tshirt!)

So, ladies, if you want something, just send your man an email with what you want.  He will probably appreciate you not hinting and not sending him out shopping like a lost sheep and he will appreciate you not wasting his time.  Most men that I know are black & white beings.  Women are gray area experts but men hate gray areas.  Just bang him up side the head with the truth and don't beat around the bush about it!!  He will love you for it!!  I will let you know if he is able to follow directions on December 25th!!!!  I am sure that there will be another Christmas with jackets off the clearance rack from JC Penny again but this year, he has no excuse!!


((Did I really just write another blog about buying me Christmas gifts?? Yeah, I think I did!!))

Lesson #15,073-Yeah, I Better Get To Shopping!

Okay, so, we are what 2 weeks away from the big day and I have not bought one Christmas present yet.  I suppose I had better get on that immediately since I only have one week before school is out.  It is just overwhelming, ya know?  I mean, I went shopping last week but all I found was stuff for me.  People say that Christmas is about the giving and not the receiving but I say, "Blah, Blah, Blah".  It's really about me getting some new stuff for at least 40% off the regular price.  I spent $150 in GAP and "saved" $197.  See?? I saved money on myself!!!! If only my husband thought the same way that my GAP receipt does.  I say "But look, honey, I saved $197" and he spoils it by saying, "No, HONEY, you spent $150"!!  UGH!!! I don't even want to tell you what I "Saved" at J. Crew!! I'm tired of this "giving" thing!! I want to "receive"!!  What's wrong with that?  It's all about doing for others!! Puke!! Besides, I have to do all of the shopping so there is all of this temptation all around me in every store except Bass Pro Shops, no I take that back there's good stuff in there too!!  I have even been in Tractor Supply and found some cute rain boots!! That is a farm store for Pete's Sake!!! I cannot be trusted at a mall!! I cannot be trusted at TJ Maxx!! I cannot be trusted in a boutique!! A strip mall, a home goods store or even Costco!!

So, what is a shopaholic to do when I am supposed to be buying for others?  I suppose I could make a list and stick to it. (What fun is that?)  I could only shop in a discount store. (Where I don't shop for clothes or shoes.)  I could shop at Lowe's. (But they have nice stuff too!)  Maybe Internet shopping is the answer.  But gosh darn it they have "suggestions" for me on the side as soon as I look up an item and I do love those ceramic birds from One Kings Lane!!  How does this website know that I am a member of Beyond The Rack?  Yahoo knows EVERYTHING!!! Every time I turn on my computer and my homepage comes up they have suggestions on the side for me!! So I'm like reading the headlines of the day and BAM!! there is my favorite stuff from Pottery Barn on the side of the page.  It is all of the stuff that I put in my shopping cart just to see how much it would cost to redo my living room and wow, oh, wow I sure do want that white sofa with slip covers and those chevron pillows.  Oh sorry!! See I can't even write this blog without getting side tracked by shopping for ME!!

Okay, I've gotta go.  I've really got to shop for others now...I'll let you know tomorrow what I buy myself!!  Merry Christmas to me, From me!!

Lesson #15,072-Girl's Trips Have Come To This...

I remember going on girls trips and having so much fun.  Acting like caged animals who have been released on a 2 day pass.  Drinking wine and doing Jello shots and dancing and singing and staying up late.  I have been on some crazy girls trips and some really fabulous girls trips to some fabulous places. Well, let me just tell you.  Times have changed.  My BFF and I went to Ocean Isle, another fabulous place, last Thursday and got there in time for lunch.  Then we went over to the grocery store and bought, not wine and Jello but junk food to eat for dinner.  We, no joke, bought cheese and crackers, shrimp and cocktail sauce, and candy.  We went home and put on our pajamas, ate cheese and crackers and shrimp and then had a dessert of candy bars.  We could have gone out to a restaurant, a bar, a club, anywhere we wanted because we were free but we are so lame that we just went home and put on our pajamas!!  We watched reality TV and talked to our children on the phone and went to bed!!  The next day we went shopping all day long.  Then we went to a restaurant and went home and ate cotton candy and didn't have to share it with anyone!! That was the highlight of my trip!!  I ate every bit of mine just because I didn't have to share it.  I am sure that my blood sugar level was over 400 but I didn't care!!  It was mine.  All mine!!

So what happened?  I mean, just a couple of years ago I was dancing and drinking and having a great time.  I really did enjoy myself but now I just want to put on pajamas and go to bed early on my girls trips from now on.  I don't want to have to drive anyone anywhere.  I don't want to watch anything on TV that is animated or has furry characters.  I want to watch trashy reality TV.  I want to wear fuzzy slippers and a thick robe.  If someone could come and give me a massage, that would just top off the trip!!  I seriously have no interest in staying up late, I feel like crap the next day.  I have no interest in drinking, I feel like crap the next day.  I have no interest in partying it up because, well, I feel like crap the next day. At my age, feeling like crap the next day is so not worth it anymore!!  Plus the whole being responsible thing.  Driving carpool with a hangover isn't much fun.  Doing homework with your middle school aged child is definitely no fun with a hangover.  Actually, that's no fun without a hangover but with one is horrible!!  At my age, a hangover lasts not just a few hours the next morning but days!!

So I guess my definition of "Partying" has changed.  I now attend parties.  I now throw parties. I now RSVP to parties.  I now am late for parties but a party is just an event now.  It is only a noun and not a verb. That's what it is.  Not a verb anymore!!  Just a noun!!
BEFORE 40 & CHILDREN:
 
AFTER 40 & CHILDREN:

Oh and did I mention that I loved every minute of going to bed early and eating junk food??  I may be lame but I love it!!!

Lesson #15,071-Awkward Moments

Awkward moments happen to us all.  Some more than others.  Some on the world's stage and some only a couple of people know about.  Ya know?  Like when you see someone who looks like they are waving at you and you aren't sure if they are waving at you so you give one of those awkward waves.  Then you look around and see her friend coming up behind you.  Yeah, we all have done that! AWKWARD!!

That awkward moment when you run straight into someone in Target who you cannot avoid talking to.  You came around the corner and your cart almost slammed right into theirs and you see who it is in 0.00001 of a second and you don't have time to duck into the hamster supply aisle. You may even be "friends" with this person on Facebook, Instagram, MySpace, and Linkedin but you may hate that person and here you are stuck in the feminine hygiene aisle with her and you have to quickly choose your poison.  Do you look at this person and smile and be cordial or do you look at her and pretend that you don't even recognize them?  Or you could just go all out and punch her in the face because of her being rude to you in 1989, or was it because she dated your ex, or was it because you heard that she may have said something about you but you aren't really sure?  What to do?  What to do?  AWKWARD!!

That awkward moment when you realize that you are really close to someone who has major life beliefs that differ from yours and you had no idea.  Maybe when you are out with friends getting ready to eat lunch, you bow your heads and start to say a prayer and your friend doesn't close their eyes or bow their head.  You figure it out really quick but what do you do?  If you are me and you don't care one bit about imposing your beliefs on others, you just say your prayer and eat and don't call attention to it.  Or you are sitting there with a group of friends and someone says something about the president in mixed company. And by mixed company, I mean Democrats and Republicans.  You are thinking "Oh crap! What am I going to say?".  You know that you want to say something one way or the other but you aren't sure what to say.  You may do what I do and text the person who is putting their foot in their mouth and just say "Stop talking!!!" or you may just sit back and watch the show!! AWKWARD!!

That awkward moment when your husband comes in and asks "What's for dinner?" and you haven't even thought about it.  Or when he walks in the house and says "How was your day?  What did you do today?" and all you can think of is that 4 hour nap that you took and how the beds aren't even made yet and you don't want him to go upstairs yet so you can quickly make the beds so you send him to take out the trash and you bolt upstairs to do the quick sweep before he misses you!  Oh, you've never done that one?  Well, I never claimed to be Martha Stewart and my beds may not be done before 7:00PM.  AWKWARD!!

There are so many awkward moments in life but the worst is when you have made a serious social faux pas.  Such as: Cursing in church, in a parent-teacher conference or when you have someone else's child in your car.  Going to a party where "No Gifts" were on the invitation and you are the only one who doesn't bring a gift.  The world's worst, most awkward moment that has ever been recorded in human history and most people have done it at least once.  That is the dreaded question "So when is your baby due?" and the response is "Oh, I'm not pregnant" and you just want to pass out, drop dead or get called away immediately by the CIA on a secret mission to Siberia.  I have been on both ends of that question and I remember how I felt.  That is the definition of AWKWARD!!!

Lesson #15,070-The Many 1sts Once You Become A Mom

Once you become a mom, you have many "firsts".  I am not talking about first birthdays or first steps or first teeth.  Those are the easy firsts.  I am talking real firsts!  Here are some of my "1st's" once I became a Mom:  I bet you have never before had someone else vomit down the front of your shirt and into your cleavage, sometimes soaking your bra to the point that it could be wrung out with your hands. That being said, the FIRST time you smell that vomit will be another milestone 1st!!

I bet you have never had someone else's pee shot into your eyes, nose and mouth.  (If you have, then you are one of those freaks!!) This one, though, you will laugh about!!  No, really, you will.  Not at that moment but you will some time later.

Another 1st is having to take care of something and keep it alive on 2.2 hours of sleep.  (And that is not consecutive sleep. That is total sleep.) You wonder if that little bundle of joy will ever sleep.  How could it sleep so soundly and wake up so angry?  What made it so full of rage when 20 seconds ago it was the most beautiful, peaceful sight that you have ever beholden in your entire life?  You even wonder how lungs so small could be so strong.  Could this kid be the next Michael Phelps?  He's definitely got swimmer's lungs!!

The first time you try and figure out a car seat.  What the Hell?  For all of us adults we just have one strap and we weigh 120 pounds (wink, wink) more than this little critter.  Why are they in four point harnesses?  I mean, are they a mental patient or a baby, for goodness sake?

The first time that precious baby poops more than you do and it goes completely out of the diaper, running down the baby's legs and up his back, all the way up to his hairline. But??? How??? The poop is literally bigger than the baby.  You have to look around to see if Ashton Kutcher has Punk'd you because you know it has to be a joke.  Then you get to figure out how to change the baby.  Should I just clean the baby with wipes or put him in the baby bath tub?  The answer is always the baby bath tub.  Don't bother trying the wipes.  Just trust me on this one!!

The first time you try to leave the house with the baby.  By the time you get all of the gear that you will need or could possibly need packed, you will have missed whatever you were going to.  The baby bag will need diapers, wipes, a changing pad, a couple of bottles, pacifier, a toy, blanket, a hat, a change of clothes or 2, bibs, teething ring, gum ointment, gas drops, Tylenol for infants, Motrin for infants, the nose sucker thingy, a syringe, ear plugs (for the husband), nose plugs (also for the husband), disposable gloves (again for the husband) and a burp cloth.  Then you have to get your purse, keys, the baby carrier, stroller...Yeah, never mind.  I told you it would be over before you left the house the first time!!!!  We missed church several times before we got it right!! And that was on 2.2 hours of sleep.

But then there is the first that makes it all worthwhile.  The first time that you have ever felt this way about any other living being.  I mean, yes, you loved your parents, your siblings, your spouse, etc. but you have never, ever felt so much love for something.  I try to explain the love that you have for your child to a person who doesn't have kids yet but all I can say is this.  It is a love that fills your entire heart.  You can actually feel it growing the moment that you look at that baby for the first time.  You know that you love the baby while it is still inside your stomach but once that baby is out and you see that precious baby, you know that you would die for that tiny baby right then and there. It really is like your heart being outside of your body from then on.

Lesson #15,069-Lies We Tell Our Children

You know you've done it. I have.  I will admit it.  Here's a few:
The Tooth Fairy
Santa Claus
The Easter Bunny
ELF ON A SHELF!!!! (Only Overachievers do this one!)
"I wish we could go to McDonald's for dinner but it is closed today."
"Yes, of course, I can tell what your picture is. I just want you to explain it to me."
"The dog went to live on a farm in Montana."
"If you cross your eyes, they will stick like that."
"Drinking soda will stunt your growth."
"Don't sit so close to the TV, you will ruin your eyesight."
"No, no!! Don't do that!!! You will go blind!!!"(I haven't had to say that one yet but I will be telling that one!)
"Stop screaming or I will put your ass out on the side of this highway!" (Oh heck no. I would never do that!)
"You can be anything that you want to be, darling." (Lies! You are a C+ student. You're not gonna be a rocket scientist.)
"I love this macaroni necklace. I will wear it every day!"
"Oh no! The macaroni necklace broke!!"
"No, honey, it cannot be fixed."
"Oh darn!"
"No, Love. Mommy and Daddy were not naked in the hot tub. It just looked that way from your bedroom window."
"Of course, we only did that once." (Or however many children you may have. 2-18, just in case Michelle Duggar reads this blog. Hi Michelle!!!)
"If you don't want to brush your teeth, you don't have to.  I will just let your teeth fall out." (Okay, I just spent $5,000 on braces so you WILL brush those teeth!!)
"Don't swallow your gum or your guts will stick together."
"Don't swallow your fingernails or they will grow out of your stomach."
"Don't swallow your watermelon seeds or they will grow a watermelon in your stomach."
Pretty much "Don't swallow anything..."
"Of course, I never smoked."
"Of course, I never drank alcohol."
"Of course, I never smoked pot."
"Of course, I never (insert your lie here)."
"The shot is not going to hurt."
"The finger prick is not going to hurt."
"Uncle Sam is into ballet, sings show tunes and wears eyeliner because he is eccentric." (Well. He's that too.)
"That was the dog that farted."
"Grandpa  WAS away at college for 20 years." (Leavenworth College. Okay, maybe Leavenworth Prison.)
These are just a few.  Little white lies.  Teeny Tiny lies.  Now go and take a nap or I will call Santa!!!!

Lesson #15,068-Overachieving Moms

I am not and have never claimed to be a Martha Stewart type of housewife.  If you come to my house, chances are I will not have baked a cake, made muffins or cookies just out of the oven, piping hot and ready for you to eat with a cup of hot coffee or tea.  There probably will be dishes in my sink.  There will be a mess somewhere in my house unless I have at least a one month notice to clean it up.  There will be crumbs in my carpet because the moment the vacuum is put away, a cookie or potato chip will be consumed by a crumb snatcher and we all know how they eat!!  They try to see how many chips or cookies they can get into their mouths before they choke.  Anyway so now it is Christmastime and all of the Martha Stewart types are really on my last nerve.

Who the heck has time to think of some cute little set up for Elf on the Shelf every day until Christmas?  I mean, really!!  I have cleaning and baking and cooking and shopping and that is on top of my other everyday responsibilities, like blogging, changing my Facebook status, checking my email, Googling stuff and napping.  Now you Overachievers want to make me look bad by naming your elf some cute little name and then having him doing something very mischievous every night.  Do you know who is gonna have to clean up the marshmallows that Little Fred the Elf spilled all over the counter and floor?  YEP! You are!!  Santa's elves will not come to help you clean them up.

Then you all post pics of your 14 Christmas trees.  All of them perfectly depicting each rooms different style or the personality of the person who gets to decorate them.  If I could fit an 8 foot tree in my kitchen, it would be filled with bottles of wine and jars of Nutella.  But I am not that crafty so my 4 crappy trees will have to do.  I have a hamburger and hot dog hanging on my kitchen tree.  I forgot to put the ribbon on my tree in the foyer before hanging the big ornaments on it so no ribbon on the tree this year.  Yeah I also forgot to put the ribbon on the big tree in the den too.  Sorry!!! If Martha Stewart comes here for a visit I sure hope she gives me a few days notice so I can put the ribbon on my trees!!  Actually, never mind. If I won't do it for my family, I sure won't do it for Martha!!

Merry Christmas, Y'all!!

 

Lesson #15,067-Carpool Baby!!

Yep!! Carpool.  It can be a blessing and a curse.  It saves time, money, gas, the environment, traffic congestion and frees up time for everyone who carpools.  It is the best thing ever when it is not your day or time to drive!!  If you have a usual carpool for school then someone either drives every day for a week, drives every morning or afternoon or you have some other schedule that works for everyone.  A carpool has to be fair to everyone.  For after school activities, usually one mom or dad will drop off the kids at the activity and another mom or dad will pick up.  This frees up some time for everyone. 

I tell you what.  I have gotten to know some kids and some good middle school gossip driving carpool.  If it is my usual school carpool.  The mornings are pretty quiet because the kids are still half asleep.  If it is afternoon, I get to hear what happened at school all day.  I can usually tell you who got in trouble, who had silent lunch, who broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and all other middle school drama.  Well, all of the drama that middle school boys are aware of.  They are pretty clueless about drama but sometimes they catch the tail end of a conversation about something going on and can give you the play by play.  But driving the soccer team to practice or picking them up from practice, WOW!! Driving Mama gets an education!!  Sometimes Driving Mama has to do the educating.  This DM got an education about how young middle school boys are when they start having "boners".  Yes, one of the boys that I had just picked up from soccer practice said, "I've got a boner!"  I mean, what do you say to that?  Yep, SILENCE.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am rarely speechless but all you heard were crickets chirping. 

When there is the carpool feud  you have to hear, "Mom, I don't want to carpool with Leonard anymore!!"  "I hate him!!"  "He is so mean."  That is a big ole con to the carpool.  Another con is if you are the one to have to pick up kids from anything, they will likely not smell as fresh as they did when you dropped them off.  School pick up is not too bad but soccer, basketball, football or any other sport pick up can be very smelly.  I have threatened about 7 different 10-13-year olds within an inch of their lives if they take off their cleats in my car.  KEEP THE SMELL INSIDE THE SHOE UNTIL I GET YOU TO YOUR HOUSE!!  Boys smell like ass and sweat when you pick them up from practice or games so the "shoe on" rule applies in my car.  Now I wish my car had some sort of armpit rule.  I haven't figured out how to keep the armpits from being smelly yet.

Funny story about how smelly my car can be.  I had 4 smelly boys in my car and was dropping off the first one at his house.  His dad was out in the yard and came over to the car to say hello.  He came over to the passenger side of my car and stuck his head in the window and said "Hello" and then took a breath and abruptly removed his head from the window.  He then began questioning who was the stinky one and what had died in his shoes.  Honestly, I could not pinpoint who was the stinkiest!! Everyone got a shower before bed that night, I am sure of that!!

Anyway, there are more pros than cons to carpooling so I'm gonna keep doing it.  I just hope that I don't get educated or have to give education to any more little boys about subjects that would make their daddies blush!!  I have explained more than I care to list here in not-so-medically-appropriate terms to a carload of boys who asked me questions that they did not want to ask their parents.  Look, if you are crazy enough to allow your child to carpool with me, your child is going to be exposed to bad words and will have their questions answered unless I have no idea about what they are talking about.  I will set them straight about things that they are wrong about.  I will scream at them if they are too loud or being obnoxious little whiny butts.  Oh and I call it like I see it. If you don't like it, find someone else to carpool with.  I probably don't want your Rugrat riding along anyway!!

Go Green-Carpool!!