Lesson #15,090-Crafts!! UGH!!

Okay, so we all have looked on Pinterest and thought, "Hey, I can do that!!"  We all have those crafty friends who are always making these cool creations that look fabulous and they always say that it is "so easy".  I've gotta call bull crap on that!!  I can't do origami.  I can't make a wreath.  I can't decorate my mantle at Christmas and make it look like a picture in Southern Living. I can't crochet. I cannot make a shirt into a skirt. If I want a skirt I go to TJ Maxx and buy one!! I can't bedazzle.  I absolutely cannot decorate a cake.  My Mom could bake a cake and decorate it like a professional.  Mine looks more like a crooked lump with cake mixed in the icing.  Trust me, People, pink icing with cake bits mixed in it may taste good but it looks horrible.

The next time that you try one of those crafts that are so "easy" you can pin it on Pinterest and see that there are other people who have worse creations than you made.  You just post your picture beside a picture of what it is supposed to look like and add "Nailed It" and make us laugh!!  Don't beat yourself up if you are not crafty.  Everyone has talents.  Being crafty is not one of mine.  Check out these fails!!

Lesson #15,068-Overachieving Moms

I am not and have never claimed to be a Martha Stewart type of housewife.  If you come to my house, chances are I will not have baked a cake, made muffins or cookies just out of the oven, piping hot and ready for you to eat with a cup of hot coffee or tea.  There probably will be dishes in my sink.  There will be a mess somewhere in my house unless I have at least a one month notice to clean it up.  There will be crumbs in my carpet because the moment the vacuum is put away, a cookie or potato chip will be consumed by a crumb snatcher and we all know how they eat!!  They try to see how many chips or cookies they can get into their mouths before they choke.  Anyway so now it is Christmastime and all of the Martha Stewart types are really on my last nerve.

Who the heck has time to think of some cute little set up for Elf on the Shelf every day until Christmas?  I mean, really!!  I have cleaning and baking and cooking and shopping and that is on top of my other everyday responsibilities, like blogging, changing my Facebook status, checking my email, Googling stuff and napping.  Now you Overachievers want to make me look bad by naming your elf some cute little name and then having him doing something very mischievous every night.  Do you know who is gonna have to clean up the marshmallows that Little Fred the Elf spilled all over the counter and floor?  YEP! You are!!  Santa's elves will not come to help you clean them up.

Then you all post pics of your 14 Christmas trees.  All of them perfectly depicting each rooms different style or the personality of the person who gets to decorate them.  If I could fit an 8 foot tree in my kitchen, it would be filled with bottles of wine and jars of Nutella.  But I am not that crafty so my 4 crappy trees will have to do.  I have a hamburger and hot dog hanging on my kitchen tree.  I forgot to put the ribbon on my tree in the foyer before hanging the big ornaments on it so no ribbon on the tree this year.  Yeah I also forgot to put the ribbon on the big tree in the den too.  Sorry!!! If Martha Stewart comes here for a visit I sure hope she gives me a few days notice so I can put the ribbon on my trees!!  Actually, never mind. If I won't do it for my family, I sure won't do it for Martha!!

Merry Christmas, Y'all!!

 

Life Lesson #15,026-What Is Up With Mommy Guilt??

Life Lesson #15,026-What Is Up With Mommy Guilt?

Seriously, what is this Mommy Guilt?  If you call me during the day and ask me what I have been up to, why do I feel like I have to give you a list of 20 things that I have done all day?  Why can't I say that I haven't made the beds yet or done any laundry or even put the dishes from last night's dinner in the dishwasher yet? Why do I feel guilty if I have come right in from morning carpool and sat down and watched TV for an hour or checked my Facebook or even that I came in and went back to bed?  My job never ends and if I don't do my job nobody else will pick up my slack so why do I feel guilty about taking a little break now and then.  Am I not allowed that or am I not allowing myself to stop working ever?  What if someone calls and I was taking a nap? Why can I not just say that I am taking a nap?  As long as everyone in my house has clean clothes and food, why can't I take a short break or even a nap?  I mean everyone else in my house can come in from school and work and plop down and watch TV for hours without me complaining about it because I understand how tiresome work and school are.  I've been there!!  With that said, some days I have 20 things to do and I have to get them done that day.  Then there are other days where I only have a couple of things to do so I am going to get them done or even put them off until tomorrow.  Why all of this guilt?   I agree that there is always something that I could be doing if I am awake but what if I just don't feel like rearranging the utensil drawer or organizing my closet?  Believe me, nothing will change.  My utensil drawer will not get any worse than it already is and my closet will not get more unorganized than it is right now.  Well, maybe the closet but who cares? I'm the one who is going to fix it!!

Some days I just want to go back to bed when Jordan goes to school and just sleep until 1:30.  Then get up, take a shower, throw the covers up over the bed, toss the dishes in the dishwasher, go to school and pick up the carpool kids, get homework started, spray some Febreeze, and sit until the husband is on his way home.  If he gives me the heads up when he is pulling out of the office, I have 45 minutes to come up with something for dinner.  I can have it delivered, pick up carryout or even cook something in 45 minutes, so that isn't usually a problem unless I need another nap in the late afternoon.  In that case, we will definitely be eating delivery or carryout!!  Why feel guilty, though?  Moms, we should band together and swear from this day forward that we will not feel guilty about chilling out for a while when everyone is out of the house!!!  Who is up first in my house?...ME.  Who says, "Goodnight, I'm going to bed" and an hour later I can finally go to bed?...ME. (And probably all the moms reading this feel the same way.)  Let's take that nap!!! NO GUILT!! NO GUILT!!

Life Lesson #15,025-School Projects Should Not Hurt My Self Esteem

Life Lesson #15,025-School Projects Should Not Hurt My Self Esteem

There is no way I could ever make up for the horrendous school projects that I have helped my child make.  When Jordan was in 2nd grade, he was assigned to make a diorama of what the earth looked like when the dinosaurs were alive.  Raise your hand if you know what the earth looked like when the dinosaurs were alive.  Yea, that's what I thought.  There aren't any photographs or drawings or written history left behind from the time of the dinosaurs.  That is, unless you can understand the cave drawings that have been found around the world but who knows when they were really drawn, right?  So anyway, he walked into that school with the most jacked up looking clay dinosaurs proudly displayed in the shoe box covered with construction paper.  I thought it was great!! I could not have been more proud.  UNTIL.  I walked in the library where each child had displayed their dioramas on top of the bookshelves all over the library.  There were masterpieces in that room!! I mean these kids have some real talent.  We have sculptors, paper mache prodigies and painters who should have artwork in The MOMA in NYC.  I tell you some of these kids had some amazing and creatively designed boxes!! Some didn't even use shoe boxes (like the directions explicitly stated to use.). Some kids used boot boxes.  Some kids used produce boxes.  Oh and did I mention that the directions also explicitly stated that the kids were to do this project all by themselves?  As we put my son's diorama down one of the 2nd grade teachers came straight over and ogled all over his sad little clay dinosaurs who looked more like bloody worms with large eyes and swollen feet.  As I walked my son to his classroom, I thought about how I was going to tell him that he was probably going to be in the "special" school next year because we would surely be kicked out of this fine school as soon as an administrator came through the library. I leaned down and gave him a kiss and almost darted to the door with the speed of Usain Bolt. I almost made it out the door and saw that obviously farsighted teacher who complimented my son on his model and she waved to me to come her way.  Just as I make it to her I burst into tears.  She asks, "What is wrong, sweetie?".  I said, "Did you see Jordan's dinosaur diorama? Why did you give it compliments when there are obvious masterpieces here in this room?".  She grabs me by my arm and says, "I gave him those compliments because those masterpieces in the library are obviously done by those kids' parents and I would rather see wormy, bug eyed dinosaurs done by a 7-year old than those bronze sculptures done by parents ANY DAY"!  I could have kissed her right there in front of twenty-four 2nd graders.


So now I know that most parents help their children with their projects.  I do allow him to do most of the work but I have helped him put together visual projects and they were pretty darn good if I do say so! Last year, in 6th grade, "WE" got a 92 on a project.  A 92???? We worked our butts off on that stupid project.  I was ready to go off on that psycho teacher! I deserved at least a 99 on that project.  I mean, he deserved at least a 99 on that project!! Seriously, did she not see how awesome that project was?  I was not invited to attend Carnegie Mellon for my artistic talents but they were as good as I could possibly do and that witch gives me a 92.  I mean, gave him a 92!!  How dare she!

(Read this like you are weeping uncontrollably.) This Sunday, between eating frozen Tyson chicken sandwiches and Domino's pizza, we had another project to do.  It was due yesterday and we worked on it all day!! It was great!! Sort of. But anyway, we got a 95 on it and again I am stabbed through the heart.  When will we...When will he get a 100???  I am gonna have to hire an artist to help my son with his projects from now on so we...he can get that elusive 100!!  I'm doing it!!  Any other parents out there have their self esteem seriously bruised by middle school teachers?  I may need therapy for many things but my bruised ego is right up there with issues which should be much more damaging to my psyche!!

Life Lesson #15,024-I May Or May Not Be A Horrible Stay-At-Home Mom

Life Lesson #15,024-I May Or May Not Be A Horrible Stay-At-Home Mom.
I'm not sure but I may or may not be very good at my job as a stay-at-home mom.  First of all, I am unclear about the "Stay At Home" part because I feel like I am always on the road.  Maybe we should be called "Stay-in-the SUV" Moms or "Stay-in-the-Minivan" Moms or "Stay-at-the Soccer Field" Moms or Football or Baseball or Volley Ball or Basketball or Dance Studio or Cheerleading or whatever field, court or studio or rink that you happen to spend your life at.  Also, there is the grocery store, Walmart or Target, school functions, parent/teacher meetings, community service, field trips, play dates...Wow, I could go on and on about where Moms travel every day.  We spend a lot of time in the carpool line at school!! We eat, do homework, change clothes, read, have serious talks and super hilarious conversations about bodily functions, all in the car!!
 

Then there are those Moms who post stuff on Facebook that they are doing during the day and I feel like a total piece of crap.  "Heading to the school with fresh baked muffins for little Joe's class".  "Got a fresh baked pie in the oven for my BFF".  "Can't wait for my husband to get home and see the home made dinner that I made for him".  "I have cleaned the house all day long and made filet mignon for dinner".  Just so y'all know, I hate you all!! I made those Tyson Chicken Breast filet sandwiches for Sunday lunch yesterday.  Why didn't I make a pot roast with carrots and potatoes like a good mama would?  Oh and Thank You Domino's Pizza for dinner last night!! Mwaah!!
I actually vacuumed out the couch a few days ago, because I can't even remember the last time that I did it, and I found cookie parts, pencils, popcorn, a small human being, $100,000 in coins and a Maserati. The Maserati was, unfortunately, a Matchbox Maserati car but I found one!! And how does sand get underneath the cushions?  First of all, we live in North Carolina where there is no sand except for the beach and second of all, who is this person with sandy pants??


Then there are those Martha Stewart types who sew.  You know who you are!! I can sew on a button and that's about it.  And when I sew on a button, that bad boy is never, ever coming off again, EVER!! I see Moms who can sew little dresses for their little girls, make window treatments for their house, pillows and even quilts!! I don't even know how to thread a sewing machine much less sew a straight line.  On Pinterest it says that you can make a cute little dress out of a pillow case for a little girl.  I see dresses like this in boutiques selling for $60 and up!!  Why don't I know how to sew?  I could be making pillow case dresses all day long instead of pinning stuff on Pinterest and driving kids around everywhere!! I could hire someone to drive the kids around!!!!




Then we Moms feel guilty for having a GNO (Girls Night Out) once a month.  Why do we feel guilty about that?  I mean, we are the ones who do everything for the kids 29 days a month and we ask Dad to pitch in and help for one day a month and we feel guilty and end up getting home before 10:00, usually to find that Daddy hasn't even put the kids to bed yet and has given them Coca-Cola and Pixy Stix and cannot figure out why he cannot control them. Literally the kids are burning down the house and Daddy looks like he has no idea that they have left the house to buy the gas and matches!! And the guys have to have Boys Night Out once a week!! The men come in after midnight and the kids have been asleep for hours and so have we moms!! We know better than to give kids Pixy Stix after 2pm!!


Alright, I am probably not the best Mom in the entire world but I have a healthy and happy child who probably doesn't get enough leafy green vegetables in his diet. There is probably more dirt on my floor than I care to admit to but my kid can tell you with 100% certainty that I love him.  I've never forgotten to pick up the carpool kids up from school. I've never left my child in a hot car.  I've never forgotten to feed my kid. I've kept him alive for almost 13 years and I've never had DSS called on me before!! Hallelujah! I must not be too HORRIBLE!  You, probably, are not either!! Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for not being a horrible Mom!! Whoop!! Whoop!!

But hey, they do need something to tell their therapist about when they are adults.  Can't send 'em to therapy without any material!!

Life Lesson #15,013-DO NOT BUILD YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT PINTEREST

Life Lesson #15,013-DO NOT BUILD YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT CHECKING OUT PINTEREST!
Y'all I am so upset.  I got married, had a baby, decorated a house, went clothes shopping, shoe shopping and I have cooked for years without looking at Pinterest.com and now I know what a failure I am.  I want to do it all over again.  My wedding could have had those crystal thingys hanging from trees!! My poor son had to sleep in a dumb ole Peter Rabbit nursery.  I hate all of my clothes! I hate all of my shoes...well, not all of them but I really do need those new Christian Louboutin shoes.  They are only $995. I think all women should have the money to have a pair of those shoes!! (Including me!!) My dinner last night sucked!! I mean my pasta salad was not at all fabulous!!

Here is my problem:  I could look at Pinterest all day long and get ideas.  I need to actually stop "pinning" these ideas and start doing some of them.  My closet looks like I let a crazy person try on clothes and shoes. I need to organize my closet like they have them organized on Pinterest.  I need to hang my boots on those boot hangers and make hangers for my flip flops and sandals.  I need to organize my cabinets and put lighting in them.  I need to clean my grout with that super duper mixture that promises to get it white again.  I need to clean that stain in the den carpet with that mixture that is supposed to remove any stain from any carpet.  I need to wipe my baseboards with dryer sheets so they are dust free and will stay that way.  I need to prune my bushes the proper way.  I need to repaint furniture and make it look fabulous.  (Did y'all know that there is a spray paint that is so super-metallic that it looks like chrome!!) I need to shine my hardwood floors, clean my tarnished silver, clean my ceramic cooktop, clean my jewelry, monogram everything and do those exercises that promise to give me a flat belly in 10 days! I need to do it all today!!!!!! Oh, who am I kidding.  I'm gonna take a nap.

Life Lesson 15,002-Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here

Life lesson 15,002.  Martha Stewart doesn't live here.  Honestly, haven't we all watched her show or picked up her magazine and thought, "How does she do it?".  I mean, the woman is a gourmet cook, interior designer, seamstress, farmer, landscape architect, has her own TV series and magazine, she does segments on all the morning shows and to top it all off she is a mom.  Okay, so her daughter is grown but still!  If Martha Stewart walked up to my front door, she would probably be appalled because my plants on the front porch are not lush. They look more like wilted shells of a formerly beautiful plant.  Oh and the cobwebs.  Who has time to pressure wash or even take the broom outside and whisk the cobwebs down?  Actually, who even thinks about cobwebs?  If Martha wasn't frightened away by the cobwebs and wilted plants and made it into the front door, she would probably turn and run when she came into the front entry.  Do you know that I still have scarves and winter hats hanging on my coat rack? Then my new rug is always askew even though I put down the slip-proof mat.  Then there is my horrid attempt at decorating.  I love all things Pottery Barn.  I just can't seem to make my home decor look as effortless as they do.  Anyway, if Martha came into my kitchen she would not find a freshly baked cake or cookies or pies or any other confection.  We do, however, have some Chips Ahoy cookies and Lay's potato chips. I bet Martha's house always smells of wonderful baked goods.  I bet Martha doesn't have cobwebs on her front porch.  I bet Martha's rug in her entry is not askew.  Oh and I bet Martha folds her scarves perfectly and puts them away into some perfectly arranged closet along with her coats and hats and mittens and winter boots and...Did I mention that Martha Stewart doesn't live here?

Our homes may not be as fabulously decorated or perfectly arranged or feverishly cleaned or smell of fresh baked cookies but I bet more people love me than love that perfect Martha Stewart.  My home is lived in.  My home is enjoyed.  My home is always open and welcomes my friends and family at any time.  If you don't mind the mess, then we don't mind having you.  There will be crumbs on the floor.  There will be mail piled on the desk in the kitchen. There will be a dish in the sink. There will be cobwebs and untidy scarves on my coat rack.  We actually LIVE here.  Our children won't remember how clean our house was but they will remember how much fun they had here.  Let's not feel guilty if we don't have a meat, 3 vegetables, a bread and a fresh baked dessert for dinner tonight.  We can have PB&J's and be happy.  Let's not feel guilty if we don't have the silver polished. (The 2 pieces that I have are probably very tarnished.  I never use them so I wouldn't know!!) Let's eat off of paper plates and enjoy the company that we have! If you use the wrong fork, I don't care.  I won't even check to see if you did!

Martha Stewart doesn't have anything on me!  I could probably teach her a thing or two.  Hey Martha, take a nap!!  Sit down and read a book.  Watch some trashy reality TV.  Enjoy life.  It doesn't last long.