Life Lesson #15,024-I May Or May Not Be A Horrible Stay-At-Home Mom

Life Lesson #15,024-I May Or May Not Be A Horrible Stay-At-Home Mom.
I'm not sure but I may or may not be very good at my job as a stay-at-home mom.  First of all, I am unclear about the "Stay At Home" part because I feel like I am always on the road.  Maybe we should be called "Stay-in-the SUV" Moms or "Stay-in-the-Minivan" Moms or "Stay-at-the Soccer Field" Moms or Football or Baseball or Volley Ball or Basketball or Dance Studio or Cheerleading or whatever field, court or studio or rink that you happen to spend your life at.  Also, there is the grocery store, Walmart or Target, school functions, parent/teacher meetings, community service, field trips, play dates...Wow, I could go on and on about where Moms travel every day.  We spend a lot of time in the carpool line at school!! We eat, do homework, change clothes, read, have serious talks and super hilarious conversations about bodily functions, all in the car!!
 

Then there are those Moms who post stuff on Facebook that they are doing during the day and I feel like a total piece of crap.  "Heading to the school with fresh baked muffins for little Joe's class".  "Got a fresh baked pie in the oven for my BFF".  "Can't wait for my husband to get home and see the home made dinner that I made for him".  "I have cleaned the house all day long and made filet mignon for dinner".  Just so y'all know, I hate you all!! I made those Tyson Chicken Breast filet sandwiches for Sunday lunch yesterday.  Why didn't I make a pot roast with carrots and potatoes like a good mama would?  Oh and Thank You Domino's Pizza for dinner last night!! Mwaah!!
I actually vacuumed out the couch a few days ago, because I can't even remember the last time that I did it, and I found cookie parts, pencils, popcorn, a small human being, $100,000 in coins and a Maserati. The Maserati was, unfortunately, a Matchbox Maserati car but I found one!! And how does sand get underneath the cushions?  First of all, we live in North Carolina where there is no sand except for the beach and second of all, who is this person with sandy pants??


Then there are those Martha Stewart types who sew.  You know who you are!! I can sew on a button and that's about it.  And when I sew on a button, that bad boy is never, ever coming off again, EVER!! I see Moms who can sew little dresses for their little girls, make window treatments for their house, pillows and even quilts!! I don't even know how to thread a sewing machine much less sew a straight line.  On Pinterest it says that you can make a cute little dress out of a pillow case for a little girl.  I see dresses like this in boutiques selling for $60 and up!!  Why don't I know how to sew?  I could be making pillow case dresses all day long instead of pinning stuff on Pinterest and driving kids around everywhere!! I could hire someone to drive the kids around!!!!




Then we Moms feel guilty for having a GNO (Girls Night Out) once a month.  Why do we feel guilty about that?  I mean, we are the ones who do everything for the kids 29 days a month and we ask Dad to pitch in and help for one day a month and we feel guilty and end up getting home before 10:00, usually to find that Daddy hasn't even put the kids to bed yet and has given them Coca-Cola and Pixy Stix and cannot figure out why he cannot control them. Literally the kids are burning down the house and Daddy looks like he has no idea that they have left the house to buy the gas and matches!! And the guys have to have Boys Night Out once a week!! The men come in after midnight and the kids have been asleep for hours and so have we moms!! We know better than to give kids Pixy Stix after 2pm!!


Alright, I am probably not the best Mom in the entire world but I have a healthy and happy child who probably doesn't get enough leafy green vegetables in his diet. There is probably more dirt on my floor than I care to admit to but my kid can tell you with 100% certainty that I love him.  I've never forgotten to pick up the carpool kids up from school. I've never left my child in a hot car.  I've never forgotten to feed my kid. I've kept him alive for almost 13 years and I've never had DSS called on me before!! Hallelujah! I must not be too HORRIBLE!  You, probably, are not either!! Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for not being a horrible Mom!! Whoop!! Whoop!!

But hey, they do need something to tell their therapist about when they are adults.  Can't send 'em to therapy without any material!!

Life Lesson 15,002-Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here

Life lesson 15,002.  Martha Stewart doesn't live here.  Honestly, haven't we all watched her show or picked up her magazine and thought, "How does she do it?".  I mean, the woman is a gourmet cook, interior designer, seamstress, farmer, landscape architect, has her own TV series and magazine, she does segments on all the morning shows and to top it all off she is a mom.  Okay, so her daughter is grown but still!  If Martha Stewart walked up to my front door, she would probably be appalled because my plants on the front porch are not lush. They look more like wilted shells of a formerly beautiful plant.  Oh and the cobwebs.  Who has time to pressure wash or even take the broom outside and whisk the cobwebs down?  Actually, who even thinks about cobwebs?  If Martha wasn't frightened away by the cobwebs and wilted plants and made it into the front door, she would probably turn and run when she came into the front entry.  Do you know that I still have scarves and winter hats hanging on my coat rack? Then my new rug is always askew even though I put down the slip-proof mat.  Then there is my horrid attempt at decorating.  I love all things Pottery Barn.  I just can't seem to make my home decor look as effortless as they do.  Anyway, if Martha came into my kitchen she would not find a freshly baked cake or cookies or pies or any other confection.  We do, however, have some Chips Ahoy cookies and Lay's potato chips. I bet Martha's house always smells of wonderful baked goods.  I bet Martha doesn't have cobwebs on her front porch.  I bet Martha's rug in her entry is not askew.  Oh and I bet Martha folds her scarves perfectly and puts them away into some perfectly arranged closet along with her coats and hats and mittens and winter boots and...Did I mention that Martha Stewart doesn't live here?

Our homes may not be as fabulously decorated or perfectly arranged or feverishly cleaned or smell of fresh baked cookies but I bet more people love me than love that perfect Martha Stewart.  My home is lived in.  My home is enjoyed.  My home is always open and welcomes my friends and family at any time.  If you don't mind the mess, then we don't mind having you.  There will be crumbs on the floor.  There will be mail piled on the desk in the kitchen. There will be a dish in the sink. There will be cobwebs and untidy scarves on my coat rack.  We actually LIVE here.  Our children won't remember how clean our house was but they will remember how much fun they had here.  Let's not feel guilty if we don't have a meat, 3 vegetables, a bread and a fresh baked dessert for dinner tonight.  We can have PB&J's and be happy.  Let's not feel guilty if we don't have the silver polished. (The 2 pieces that I have are probably very tarnished.  I never use them so I wouldn't know!!) Let's eat off of paper plates and enjoy the company that we have! If you use the wrong fork, I don't care.  I won't even check to see if you did!

Martha Stewart doesn't have anything on me!  I could probably teach her a thing or two.  Hey Martha, take a nap!!  Sit down and read a book.  Watch some trashy reality TV.  Enjoy life.  It doesn't last long.