Lesson #150,159-Some Truths That Need To Be Said OUT LOUD!!

Some Truths That Need To Be Said OUT LOUD!!

Okay, so I am on my soapbox today.  Don't like it?  Don't Care.  There are some truths that need to be said out loud.

1.  Dear Hollywood, Your portrayal of Southerners is ridiculous.  Nobody really speaks that way.


Photo credit: ehow.com

2.  While I am on Hollywood...All of you actors, singers, comedians, directors and producers, just do what you are good at and shut up about politics and religion.  Nobody cares what you think.  You live in LaLa Land and have no clue what is going on with real people.   Well, except for the Kardashians and you know that they are all "real" people.  I mean, why are they famous?  Because Kim made a sex tape with some guy?  Okay, well, there are plenty of housewives out at the baseball fields of America who have done the same thing.

3.  If you don't judge me, I won't judge you.  It's not my job to judge you and it's not your job to judge me.  If you are gay, drink alcohol or smoke a little pot once in a while, that's your business.  Unless you are endangering a child in some way, I'm gonna mind my own business.  If I know that you are high or drunk and are driving children around, then it will become MY business.  Call an Uber!!


Photo credit: etsy.com

4.  Most Christians aren't homophobic, judgmental, angelic, perfect or boring.  Most of us realize that we are all sinners.  Some "sins", we just can't give up.  Sneaking a glass of wine or cocktail in a restaurant where none of your fellow church members are enjoying a meal?  Why?  God sees you. Why do you care what humans think?  Oh yeah, those Christians who think they are perfect.  There aren't many of you.  Reminds me of a joke.  What's the difference in a Baptist and a Methodist?  The Methodist will say hi to you in the liquor store.  And don't get me started on gossiping.  You don't want me to go there.  Most everyone is guilty of a little gossiping.  Or a lot.

5.  Most white people aren't racist.  Sorry Whoopi Goldberg and Al Sharpton.  It just isn't true.  I am a white, Southern woman and I am happy to say that my son was 10-years old before he ever heard the "N" word and it wasn't from his parents or at school.  He heard it while watching the movie "Forrest Gump".   I am fairly certain that I was younger than that when I heard it for the first time.  I'm not saying that racism is totally dead but don't think that I am racist because I am white.  I do community volunteer work and if you ask any person/family that I have helped if I treat any color differently, they will tell you "Absolutely Not"!!


Photo credit: issuu.com

6.  All black people aren't thugs, deadbeat dads, on food stamps and angry.  The media portrays the black community as angry, violent, protesting gangs.  If I were part of the black community, I wouldn't be very happy about how I was being portrayed.  Are there gangs? Yes.  Are there deadbeat dads? Yes, but there are just as many deadbeat white dads.  Look up what Benjamin Watson has to say about race relations.  You can google it.

7. Not all parents, these days, are helicopter parents.  We are definitely more plugged into our children than our parents were, maybe because we can look up grades online and we know how competitive college can be these days, but we aren't all psychotic about grades and sports.  I'm not a helicopter parent but I do ask my son if he has done his homework or studied for a test.  I trust what he says and leave him alone about it.  He doesn't have to be the best in his class.  I don't expect perfection.  He doesn't have to be the best soccer player.  I'm not paying extra for personal training for a sport that only sees less than 1% of players ever play professionally.  Some parents out at the soccer field think their kid is going to be the next legend! Here's a little hint...He isn't!  All I ask from my son is that he tries his best.  If his best is a 90, then that's his best!!  If one goal in a season is his best, then that's his best!!

Photo credit: parenting.com

8.  If you hate America, leave.  If I see you burning a flag, I will come after you.  You know that thing about minding my own business?  Well, that's out the window if you are burning a flag!!  There are plenty of people who want to come to America so feel free to leave if you don't love America. Our soldiers didn't fight battles against other countries so you would burn our flag, they fought so you would have the right to speak your mind and go home and know that soldiers from another country wouldn't be at your door trying to take your rights away.  You have the freedom to worship or not. You can own a firearm or not.  You can get an education.  You can work.  You can start a business. You have the freedom to vote for whomever you want.  You can even write in Mickey Mouse, if you so choose. (Mickey Mouse may do a better job than some of the clowns in Washington.) Oh and respect our veterans!! This is America.  The land of opportunity. If you don't love America, move to Iran. You will love it there!


Photo credit: oregonlive.com

9.  If you don't believe the same thing that I do, just keep moving.  Don't try to argue with me to win me over to your way of thinking.  It won't work.  I believe in God.  If you don't, that is up to you.  I don't drive a Prius.  If you do, good for you.  I own guns.  If you don't agree that I should be able to own a firearm for protection, then you just call 911 and wait.  I believe in Capitalism.  Why?
Because with hard work and an education, we have gone from a trailer park to a two-story brick house on a quiet street. Nobody gave us anything.  People say "But you're just lucky" and my husband says "The harder he works, the luckier he gets".

10. Is everyone "offended" by something?  If you disagree with the President, you are "racist".  If you disagree with a person's lifestyle, you are "intolerant".  If you are a Republican, you are labeled as "ignorant",  "racist", "bigoted", "sexist", "closed minded" and my personal favorite is "redneck".  As a (mostly) Republican, I am "offended" by these labels.  I am not racist, intolerant, ignorant, bigoted or sexist.  I did grow up in a small town in South Carolina so I may show a little redneck occasionally but only when I am passionate about something!!  If you mess with my family, I WILL go Walmart on you!! Otherwise, No!!  Now, there is a difference in "redneck" and "white trash". Rednecks are often thought to be uneducated, Southern, white and rude.  I have found the opposite to be true.  A redneck will stop and help you change a flat tire in the rain.  White trash will drive right past you, honk the horn and laugh. White trash can drive a Maserati or a truck! I happen to know several black "rednecks".  They are not an urban legend! They are real.  You will see them at a Blake Shelton concert. (You know who you are, Nikki.)  You will see them fishing and driving big trucks.  I would venture to say that Cam Newton of the Carolina Panthers and the Alabama Crimson Tide, is a redneck.  He drives the most jacked up pickup truck you have ever seen! Anyway, People, stop being so sensitive!!  If a black person tells a joke about a white person (even me) I can take it!!  If I hear a joke about women drivers, I can take it!!  (I did scratch my car on a post once and I had to have my car towed out of a ditch once because I overshot a 3 point turn.)  Get a backbone. Grow thicker skin. Stop whining!! Geez, Louise!! We are raising a generation of wimps already. Most children can't fight a battle on their own anymore.  I got picked on in school for being short.  I still do.  You know what?  I don't care!!  If it offends you that I spanked my son when he was young, too bad.  We can compare my spanked child to your "time out" child any day! He may be in therapy someday but it won't be from popping him on the butt to get his attention.  He may be in therapy because of the dinner conversations with his parents and for being too honest about life and how the real world works but not because of a swat on his bum!!  I'm not easily offended.  Maybe that's why I am a happy person. #NotButtHurt


Photo credit: plus.google.com

Okay, so feel free to add to my list but these were the Top 10 pressing truths that needed to be said OUT LOUD!!  I have 10 more but I'm tired and don't feel like lecturing tonight so I'm done.

Lesson #150,152-What's A Mom To Wear??

Okay, So what is a Mom to wear?  Now, we can all get tips on what NOT to wear when we go to Walmart.  Just sit on a bench near the checkout and you will be amazed at what people wear in that place.  Hopefully, we all know that pajamas and fuzzy slippers are not appropriate for leaving the house and going shopping.  Okay, you can wear them if you go to Walmart but if you are going to Target or the grocery store, please leave the Hello Kitty pjs on the floor in your bedroom. 

Moms are constantly being picked on about Mom jeans and yoga pants.  If it were up to me, I would live in my yoga pants and my favorite long sleeved tee shirts.  My high fashion consists of Guy Harvey and Vineyard Vines Tees.  My "Mom Jeans" are from American Eagle, $30, and they don't look like Mom Jeans.  My favorite shoes are my 5 year old, well-worn Sperry topsiders.  I look at some Moms in carpool line and they usually look much like I do.  Some have played tennis and have their tight shorts on and their butts look amazing. Some have taught exercise classes all day and they look amazing in their yoga pants.  Some Moms have just left court and have been litigating cases all day and they look great!! Some Moms are in their yoga pants and a side pony and rock it.  Let me clear one thing up.  My yoga pants have never been to yoga.  I just love them!! Now, I do Pilates and dance in them. (Dance=until this pro/am dance competition is over and then I will be back to Pilates only!!)  Some Moms just look like a hot mess.  Usually I am one of them.  I am going to work on this.

Okay, so what are we supposed to wear without being judged?  I refuse to dress up to go to carpool, the grocery store and Target.  I watch reality TV and see these ladies on "The Real Housewives of..." all around town in cocktail dresses, full makeup, eyelashes and hair curled.  Not a ball cap in sight!!  Let's settle on something comfortable.  I am, by no means, someone to be giving out style advice but maybe I can help moms spruce up their wardrobes with a few simple tips.  Again, just to be clear, we don't need to wear heels and be uncomfortable to look good.  We can wear a solid colored tee with an inexpensive thin cardigan (from Gap Outlet) over it to look a little nicer than just the tee.  A white tee and a white collared shirt are your best friends.  Everyone looks great in a crisp white collared shirt, no matter what size you are!! You can throw a scarf around your neck if there is a chill in the air and look great. Something like this:

Or this:


In the summer, we can wear things like this:

Or this:

I am short so I don't have some of the options that some of my tall readers have so here are a few tips for us "Shorties".  "Petite" women should never wear long skirts.  It makes us look 6 inches shorter.  We should not wear Bermuda shorts.  We should not wear bell bottomed jeans, no matter what real stylists tell us!!  Some of us petite girls are told not to wear Capri pants.  I disagree a little bit.  If they are longer capris, they don't look good on us.  If they are calf length capris, those are fine.  Shorter shorts make our legs look longer!!  We can create that illusion of being tall, even though we are not.  I can't wear long dresses or skirts.  Tall girls can rock those cute Maxi dresses.  We cannot!!  Y'all tall girls, just go on with your bad selves!!  Us short girls will be in our short skirts and dresses. 

We don't have to "dress up" to look nice.  Invest in a nice belt.  I bought a belt from Gap years ago that I only paid $30 for and I wear that thing all the time.  A nice leather belt will usually set you back over $80 but if you think about it, you will wear it with nearly everything from shorts, jeans, capris or even over a cute dress.  Spend a little money on your belt and get a good one.  You can buy less expensive sandals at TJ Maxx or Target to set off your look.

Now, even though I am short, I hate wearing heels unless I am at an event or church.  It isn't practical to wear heels when you are a mother who works at home.  Chasing around children in 6 inch heels is impossible.  Plus, wearing them to the soccer field will ruin the heels!!  Save your heels for church, charity events or maybe even date night!!

Buy some inexpensive jewelry from a downtown boutique or even a vintage store.  Some of the jewelry that my mother wore in the 70's is still in style now.  Layer small bracelets or a silver cuff to dress up an outfit.  Most moms can't afford real gold earrings so just be sure to buy "gold" earrings with sterling posts.  That will make you look great without the expensive price tag.  As the saying goes, fake it 'til you make it!! You don't need a string of $5,000 pearls.  You can get the $20 string and nobody will know the difference.  Here in the South, a string of pearls is an essential part of your jewelry box.  You can raid your mother's jewelry box and find a string.  If they need restringing, you can buy a cheap skinny ribbon and restring them yourself and tie a bow at the end.  Restring them in any color ribbon to go with any outfit.  Simply tie a small knot in the end and roll them onto the next color of ribbon.  Easy!! Also, friends can help with jewelry.  Trade a few necklaces and earring for a month and make a new style!!  Borrowing and trading can be fun!!

Okay, so I hope this helps.  Now, don't judge me if you see me in carpool line with my ball cap on and NO PEARLS!!!  Much love to all of you Moms who work so hard every day!! Your work can often be overlooked unless it is not done.

Lesson #150,151-Stop Me Before I Volunteer Again!!!

Okay, So I have a problem.  It is a very serious problem.  I am not sure if it is in any medical dictionary.  I am not sure if it is physical or mental. (Probably mental!!)  I have a problem saying "No".  It's an easy word to say, right?  It's only 2 letters.  It's not hard to enunciate.  It's something that other people have no problem saying.  I can use it in a sentence but I cannot use it as an answer to being asked for a favor.  What is wrong with me??

Would you like to be on the decoration committee for the UA Charity Auction?  "Yes, of course, I would be glad to help."  Would you like to be on the decorations committee for the Union County Community Shelter?  "Yes, of course, I would be glad to help."  Oops, the committee chair has to drop out.  Do you mind being the decorations committee chairperson?  "Yes, of course, I would be glad to help."  Do you mind helping with the Red Cross Ball?  "Yes, of course, I would be glad to help."  Do you want to dance in a pro/am dance competition for the Union County 4-H Foundation?  "Umm.  Well, I am not a dancer."  But, you have to.  You cannot say no.  You have to say yes!!  "Yes, of course, I would be glad to help."  What was I thinking????  Not only do I have to dance in front of a panel of judges but I have to take dance lessons twice a week, learn the routine, buy some dance shoes, wear a dress that is sassy enough to do the Cha Cha in, sell tickets, get people to vote for me, solicit sponsors (which I am terrible at.  I will go into that later.) and arrange for my friends to come and cheer me on!!  All of this while having a teenager who plays soccer in Charlotte twice a week, a husband who likes a hot meal for dinner every night, going to the gym twice a week to get my body in shape, buy proper "underpinnings" (which I will also go into later.), spray tan and get my toenails and fingernails done (before flip flop weather.) and get my eyelashes, hair and makeup done the day of the dance competition.

Now, let's talk about soliciting sponsors.  This is my weakness.  I never mind giving to a charity, going to fundraisers and spending money on auction items or making a monetary donation.  I never mind serving food at the local homeless shelter.  I actually love doing that.  I never mind being on a decorating committee but ASKING FOR MONEY!!  Kill me now!!!  The way that this competition works is, really, the best dancer may not win but the person who raises the most money wins.  Now, if I am going to dance in front of 200 people, I want to dance better than everyone else!!  So, I want to win!!!  I don't want to be in last place!!  My sales pitch needs editing.  It goes something like this: "Umm, Hi.  I'm Colette Bromfield.  I am trying to raise money for the Union County 4-H Foundation and I am doing a, sort of, "Dancing with the Stars" competition.  If you would like to sponsor me in the competition, I would appreciate it so much.  If not, that's okay.  Really.  Don't feel obligated to do so.  Ya know what?  I'm sorry for asking.  Never mind."  When really I am thinking "I spend a lot of money at your place of business or I send you lots of business so you really need to sponsor me!!"

Now, let's talk about "underpinnings".  My wonderful friend, who is a dance instructor is allowing me to borrow a dress that she probably spent well over $2000 on.  It fits, thank God, but it is very low cut in the back so my "go to" strapless bra won't work.  I need to find a bra that crosses very low in the back or get one of those "stick on" bras.  If you have ever worn one of those stick on bras, you know how weird those things feel.  Then there's my butt!!  I have recently lost about 30 pounds and I think most of it was in my butt!!  I ordered a pair of panties with "booty pads" sewn in them.  Most people have trouble with having a booty that is too big but mine is too small and this dress accentuates my flat booty!!  Hence, the booty padded panties!!

My toenails haven't been painted since November so they are looking pretty bad.  My dance instructor has asked me several times if I am going to get those things done before the competition.  I have assured him that I will.  I haven't had a manicure in a year so my fingernails are of varying lengths so he is concerned about that too!!  I don't want to do the press on nails because, knowing me, one would pop off during the dance and I would probably step on it with my dance shoes and bust my rear end in front of everyone!!  Yes, that would be funny but I am already nervous enough so I suppose I will get some gel nails put on by a professional.  I also need big hair and big makeup.  If you know me well, you know that I only wear makeup on days that I absolutely have to.  I do not leave the house without mascara and chapstick!! I mean, I do have standards!!  My daily uniform consists of yoga pants, a T-shirt and a ponytail.  (I have always said that even if I was a multimillionaire I would just have better T-shirts!!)

Okay, so here is my new spill to all of my readers:
If you enjoy my blog and have a few extra dollars, please throw me a few votes.  You get 10 for $10 but feel free to buy as many votes as you can afford. (It's a tax deductible donation.) Go to the website and vote for Colette Bromfield and Jason Manus.  Here is the link:
http://donate.union4hfoundation.com/product.sc;jsessionid=D868A8446E491E19560ADE43A75AD9B2.m1plqscsfapp05?productId=30&categoryId=1



I need your help!!  Thank you all for your votes and keep them coming!!  I have a couple of people who are great fundraisers and who do not take NO for an answer that I am going up against in this competition.  I will keep you informed of how I do in the competition.  It is on March 22.  I am quite sure that there will be a blog all about the funny moments and if I can figure out how to do it, I will post a video of the dance on my blog.

Love to you all!!  Now go and vote for me NOW!!!

Lesson 15,150-Aging Parents

Okay, so I have entered a new chapter in my life.  It's the hard part of life that everyone will eventually face.  In our 40's, we have our own children and families to take care of, friends who are in need of support and the part of our lives where we have aging parents.  In the past couple of months, I have attended a few funerals of people who I never even knew but they were one of my friend's parents and I had to be there for my friends, while also taking care of my family and aging parent.  Some of us are blessed to still have parents that are in good health at 90-something and some of us have parents who are 60-something and in failing health. This is tough.  So, in between taking care of our families, we make time for our parents who are aging and make casseroles for friends who have lost a parent.  We drive our children to soccer practice and drop off a casserole.  We go to the grocery store and run an errand for a friend in need.  We go to the doctor because at 40+ our bodies are falling apart and we need mammograms and colonoscopies and start having blood pressure problems and then we go to our parents house and fill up their medicine boxes for the week.  We take our parents to the doctor and pick up kids from school.  Some days we don't even get our beds made because we have so many things to do.  Some of us work and still manage to find time to do all of these things and still make time to bake a cake for a friend.  It's almost humorous the things that we find time to do with everything going on.  We have to find humor in these crazy times in our lives.  Throw in a load of laundry, take a shower, put the clothes in the dryer, go pick up the kids, restart the dryer, help with homework, restart the dryer, cook dinner, restart the dryer, get the kids ready for bed, restart the dryer, take my nighttime meds, load the dishwasher and go to bed.  Wake up in the morning, restart the dryer, take the kids to school, restart the dryer, call you sick parent, finally fold the clothes in the dryer.

Some of us have elderly parents or elderly in-laws who live with us.  I have tried to get one of my friends to write a blog about her "Adventures With Mom" but she won't but boy does she have some good ones. You have to see her act out what her Mom does for it to be funny.  Her Mom is a hoot and she doesn't even realize it!! She is in her 80's so she lived through a lot of things in her life.  She has lived through lots of Presidents, wars, the Civil Rights era and Women's Lib.  She has probably washed clothes on a washing board and couldn't figure out how to use her daughter's high-tech washing machine.  She lived before TV's were in every room. She lived when there weren't phones in everyone's home and before cell phones.  She probably doesn't know how to turn on a computer.  She probably sat around a radio and listened to The Lone Ranger.  She probably listened to Frank Sinatra on a scratchy record player.  Her Mom has to be a tough to have lived this long but she is getting frail and needs supervision. Same thing with lots of our aging parents.

My Dad is in his early 70's and has health issues.  Everyone will tell you how sweet he is and how much they love him and he has tons of friends but if he needs something, he only wants his daughters there to take care of him.  Getting him to understand medical jargon is up to me.  Getting to understand his finances is up to my sister. He takes medicines which have side effects so he has to take another medicine for a side effect and then that medicine causes him to have another issue.  Tack on surgery to that and then there is another side effect and more medications to combat all of those side effects.  He gets dehydrated easily which effects his kidneys.  His kidney tests are high and he doesn't understand that because he has never had problems with his kidneys.  Then he takes a medication for diabetes and it has side effects on the kidneys. He has to take fluid pills and that has side effects on his kidneys.  His feet are swollen and he won't keep them propped up and argues with me when I try to explain that gravity is not his friend when he has fluid built up so he has to keep them elevated above his heart.  That just makes him angry to have to sit around with his feet propped up and sleep with his feet elevated.  Then he needs to eat more protein so he calls me every 2 hours to see if it is okay to eat something like peanut butter or bacon.  Salt isn't your friend when you have fluid overload but he likes bacon and he likes grits with salt so he's going do what he wants to do and then complains about the fluid!!!  "Well, Daddy, the swelling won't go down if you don't keep those feet up and lower your salt intake!!"  And at what age do you start counting your bowel movements every day?  "If you have one, Daddy, you're fine!!" If he has only one, he gets worried that he is constipated.  If he has three or more, he's worried that he has diarrhea.  So, I pray that he has 2 every day!!  I'm quite sure that I will do whatever I want to do when I am in my 70's!!  If I live to be 73, and I want bacon and my sodium level is high and I have fluid on my ankles, I am still going to eat bacon!!!  Then I am going to call my son and ask him why my feet are swelling!!

We have to find humor in our aging parents!!  We have to be there for our friends when a parent passes away.  Nothing meant more to me than looking over and seeing 2 rows of beautiful ladies at my stepmother's funeral.  (She was my Mom for 24 years. My Mom died in a car accident when I was 9-years old so Katherine was my mom for much longer than my real Mom.  Of course, I will always love my real Mom and Katherine because she treated me as her own.  She saw me graduate, get married and have my son. She wiped my tears when my heart got broken.  She gave me advice about life and she was always right!!!  Of course, I didn't think she was as smart as she really was until I was about 25-years old and then I realized that she wasn't stupid!!  She was right!!)  We have to be there for our family.  We drive kids hither and yon.  We help with impossible school projects.  We cheer for them at sporting events in the freezing cold and the scorching heat.  We have to keep the house and clothes clean, no matter how many times we restart the dryer.  We have to take care of our spouses.  We have to be there for our siblings. We have to be there for friends, family and loved ones.  We have to do things to better our community.  We have to make sure our children know that not everyone lives like they do.  There are people who have it way better and way worse.  That's Life!

This time of life is definitely the hardest. Being there for everyone is tough and sometimes a juggling act.  If you find time for a little exercise and a nap occasionally, don't be hard on yourself.  Take some time for you!!  I need a manicure and pedicure really bad so I am a little bit glad that it is winter because my toenails look horrid!!  My eyebrows look like a caveman and my wrinkles have not been Botoxed in quite some time!!  Sorry, I look like this but I've been taking care of  "My People"!!

Lesson #15,149-Even Sick People Can Be Funny

Okay, So let me explain where I've been lately.  First, there was summer and now it is fall and I haven't been writing lately.  No, I haven't been in an insane asylum but I may as well have been.  There's been summer fun, school starting back, homework and driving to soccer practices and games and tournaments and blah, blah, blah.  Not making excuses but...Well, yes I am.  Anyway, throw in a health scare and having a hysterectomy, which, by the way, is no big deal anymore.  If you need one, find a good GYN that can do it with a laparoscope and have it done!!  I was sore for a week and a half and then I felt normal again.  I get tired a little more quickly but it was exactly 3 weeks ago today so that's to be expected.  Now, onto more important issues.  Daddy has colon cancer and has been in Stage 4 for 9 years and so I know that isn't good.  He had to have surgery the day after Thanksgiving and the poor man had an NG tube in his nose and couldn't even eat on Thanksgiving Day!! Eating is his favorite pastime so I felt really guilty for eating while he was in the hospital.  Funny thing happened when he had surgery, I saw some guys that I went to high school with and they work on the local ambulance service.  Boy, did these EMTs have some stories!!

Okay, so here goes...

They go on a call and go into the house because there was a sick child.  Checked his vital signs.  Maybe a little elevated temperature.  Maybe a little diarrhea and nausea.  Mom thinks the child may have a virus or something and Grandma pipes up and says, "Tell 'em what we caught him doing yesterday."  They turn to Mom and she says, "Well, we caught him sucking on the Chicken Diaper."  They looked at each other and said, "Chicken Diaper?  What's a Chicken Diaper?" and Mom says "Ya know?  The diaper in the bottom of the package of fresh chicken that soaks up the chicken juices."  OH MY GOSH!!!  Thought I was gonna pee myself laughing at that one!!  I don't know what that spongy thing is called but from now on it's a Chicken Diaper!!


They go on another call to the bad part of town and find a man bleeding from his abdomen.  They go to check his wound and see 7 different wounds.  They ask him what happened and he said that he ran into a knife.  They asked him how in the world he ran into a knife 7 times.  They look up and see his wife standing there.  "Oh.  Never mind."  (I think someone got caught cheating!!)


They go on another call.  This time they know this guy.  He's a "frequent flyer" to the ER because he is "suicidal".  Apparently, this guy claims to overdose on purpose quite frequently and sure enough, they walk in and he starts flopping around on the floor, faking a seizure.  Once you have seen someone have a real seizure a few times, you know what it looks like.  These guys were onto his act.  The guy had on nothing but his underwear and it was pouring down rain outside.  They have had enough of his antics so they load him on the stretcher with no sheet or blanket and wheel him out to the ambulance in the pouring rain.  They said his belly button was full of water by the time they got him out to the ambulance. ((Hee Hee))  He stops mid-fake-seizure and asks for a towel.  They told him that they didn't have one.  He got mad and jumped off of the stretcher without even getting in the ambulance.  Again, if you've ever seen a real seizure, you know that a patient is a little dazed after one so they made him sign a release and he hasn't faked a suicide ever again!!  Score!!

I suppose you have to have a sense of humor to do what these guys do every day.  They see some horribly tragic situations and some really funny ones.  I told them that they needed their own reality show.  Only with the funny people though!!  Oh and here is my Public Service Announcement for the day:  If you see one of these, PULL OVER AND LET THEM THROUGH!!

Lesson #15,148-Summer Time!!

Okay, So, I cannot decide if summer is too long or too short.  Our school runs on a year-round schedule but it is not really "year-round".  They do get about 6-7 weeks in the summer.  That is not very long and we all wish it was longer!!  But then again, if I hear "I'm bored.", "Can somebody come over to spend the night?", "What time will so-in-so be here?", "Can we go bowling?", "Can we go to the record store?", "I don't want to get up", "I don't want to go to the pool, or play soccer outside or ride my bike or do my summer reading or anything else that you suggest"!!!!!  "I'm hungry" is another of my least favorite sentences to hear.  "Can we go to Bojangles?" and "Can you pick me up some Chick-fil-a?" makes me want to cringe.

We are so lame that we didn't eat hotdogs and hamburgers on the 4th of July!!  We ate leftovers from Olive Garden.  How lame is that??  What is wrong with us??  We made up for it today and ate hamburgers for dinner.  Had to do it!  So, Happy 5th of July, People!!  We celebrated Cinco de Julio!

We are heading to the beach in a few days for one more week there before school starts back!  UGH!!  Okay, So is summer too short or too long?  I suppose it is according to the day that you ask me!  I am not looking forward to getting up early again and helping with homework and soccer practices and projects and book reports and all of that again!!  Then again, I won't have to fix lunch and snacks 100 times a day!!  After the beach, all we will have to look forward to is fall break!!  That is my favorite part of the year round schedule! 
 
So, tell me how you all are keeping your children occupied this summer.  Especially if you have an "Only Child"?  We have had a lot of sleepovers!!  Borrowing other people's kids are the way to go when I have only one!  They are probably tired of entertaining their multiples!!  So, I am helping them out, really!!  Right??

Lesson #15,145-Happy Freaking Birthday To Me!!

Okay, So this sucks!  When you are turning 43 and not a child anymore, nobody really cares about your birthday.  It's not a milestone birthday like 10, 13, 16, 21, 30, 40, etc.  It's 43.  Whoop Dee Do!  Who cares, really?  I want a damn birthday party!! I want cotton candy!!  I want balloons and a petting zoo and birthday cake and birthday presents and I want everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to ME!!  Then I want to take a nap.  What am I, 3??  Seriously??  When did we stop getting to have birthday parties?  Would it be frowned upon if I threw myself a birthday party??  I think the older we get the better parties we should get.  Why not?  If nobody will throw you a birthday party, throw yourself one!!  I may be a Birthday Brat this year!!

If I have to buy my own gift, I will.  If I have to buy my own cake, I will.  If I have to have my party catered, I will.  If I have to decorate my own house, I will.  If I have to buy my own balloons, I will.  If I have to send out invitations to my own party, I will.  If I have to buy plates, cups and napkins, I will.  If I have to hire a damn clown, I WILL!!  I want a party!! I want a party!! I want a party!!  Go ahead and call me a Birthday Brat!!

Now what kind of party should I have??  Pool Party?  Roller Skating Party?  Dance Party?  Cookout?  Masquerade Party?  Pizza Party?  Beach Party?  Wine Party?  Ice Cream Party?  Movie Party?  Oh what the heck!! I may have them all in one!!  Just because I can!!  That is the best part about being an adult, we can have any kind of party that we want!!  So bring your beach ball, float, roller skates, dancing shoes, grilling mitts, mask, pizza, bottle of wine, ice cream scoop and your favorite DVD and come on over!!

Life is too short to wait on someone else to throw you a party.  Throw yourself one!!!

Lesson #15,142-If Only These Things Were True!

Okay, so I hear these things all the time and I am really wishing that they were true.  "If you lick the icing off the cupcake, it becomes a muffin.  Muffins are healthy, right?"  I really, really wish this was true because I do love cupcakes!! And muffins.  Just not those whole grain mini muffins with raisins in them.

"The calories go into the doughnut hole".  So, you can eat as many as you want, right?  I mean, it makes sense to me that the calories are flushed right through the doughnut hole!!  Just don't eat the holes!!  I can do that!!  Okay, so it's not true.

What about "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas"?  Not true.  Your friends will tell everyone what you did and will laugh at you forever!

"It's so easy.  I took these diet pills and lost 120 pounds in 6 months."  Lies!!  I took them for one day and thought I had bugs crawling under my skin!  If you can stand the bugs for 6 months, then you probably can lose 120 pounds!!

Don't even get me started on the happy girls wearing tampons!  I'm not that happy when I am not bleeding like a stuck pig!  I sure as heck ain't happy when I am!!  Stop showing women jumping around, dancing, playing tennis, riding horses or swimming!!  We don't do these things when we are doubled over with cramps!

Just once, I would like to get a burger at a burger joint that looks like the ones in the ads!  Just once, I would like to get the rental car that I thought I was getting from the rental car company.  I thought I was getting a convertible Corvette but in reality I got a Kia minivan!!  Just once, I would like an ice cream cake that I didn't have to take a hack saw to!  Who the heck can cut through these things?  My Frosty at Wendy's never has that cute little swirl on top.  What's up with that?  When I order a cute dress from a catalog, why does it never look as good on me as it does that 5'11", 105 pound model?  Just once!!!  Oh and my weight on my driver's license.  Yeah.  That ship sailed when I was 20 years old!!  Just hope they are able to identify me after the added pounds and hair dye. Oh and the 2 inches taller that I told them I was.  Shut up!! You know that you lie too!!  Why do they even ask?

If only these things were true!!

Lesson #15,141-Moms Telling Stories About Blond Moments

Okay, so a bunch of moms got together the other night. (If you live in the South, you know that "the other night" could be last night, 2 nights ago or 6 months ago.)  We were sitting around telling funny stories about things that we had done.  Some of us have some great stories.  Most of them involved doctor's offices. Like the time I asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted his Tetanus shot in.  Well, duh!!  I think I have told the story before but he shook his stump at me and said "Well, what the Hell do you think?".  Cringe worthy moment!!!! I think my blond hair dye soaked clear to the root!!!

My other friend was telling a story about going to the OB/GYN for her yearly physical.  She had finished with her pap smear and breast exam and told the doctor that her boobs were really sore after she ran on the treadmill.  She was concerned that something was wrong with her breasts!  He told her that his wife had the same problem and told her that maybe she just needed better support.  She said that she told him that she had just bought a new pair of running shoes and that couldn't be the problem!! (LOL)  She said he just looked at her and walked out the door.  When he walked out the door she realized that he wasn't talking about support of her arches.  When she walked out of the door of the exam room, her doctor was standing at the end of the hall talking to another doctor and they both just roared with laughter.  She knew immediately that they were laughing at her blond moment! 

Another one of the ladies there that night is an RN and she was telling us about working in a doctor's office and they were doing a proctoscope (it goes in the anus) on an elderly lady and the doctor couldn't get it in.  He turned to her and asked if she would try.  She said, "Sure. I will give it a try".  She said that a minute later she told him that she had gotten it in.  He thought it was great that his nurse had gotten it in and turned around to do the scope.  Well, the doctor went to look around the rectum and he said (loudly) "You've got it in the wrong hole".  They both had to leave the room!  She wondered why the elderly lady had squealed a little when she inserted the scope!

Obviously, we are not rocket scientists!!  Thank God for good friends and good belly laughs!!

Lesson #15,139-Who Could Use a Laugh Right About Now?

Okay, so the past week has been pretty crappy with all of the sadness happening in America.  I think everyone wants to break away from the Boston Marathon murders by those low life thugs.  The horrible explosion in West, Texas.  What is going on in this world?  We all need a laugh.  Well, there was another horrible thing that happened over the weekend.  Did y'all know that Reese Witherspoon (America's Sweetheart) was arrested for disorderly conduct?  What is this world coming to?  She even got out of the car and asked the police officer if he knew who she was.  What the heck?  Seriously?  This made me laugh...He said "No"!  That made my day!  These Hollywood people think they are God's Gift to us all!!  That police officer said that he didn't know who she was!! Hahahaha!!  I bet that knocked her drunk self down a few notches!!

I have a friend who was in a restaurant bar many years ago and an NFL quarterback was in there partying with his friends.  He asked a couple of my friends to come over and sit with them.  She had no idea who he was.  She was just there to have fun.  So they are sitting there talking and having fun and this guy was very arrogant but he was buying drinks so they sat there for a little while.  He finally said to her "You have no idea who I am, do you?" and she said "No".  He said, "I'm Kerry Collins" and she said "Well, I'm Nicolle Allen!!" and he was floored!! He said, "I am the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers" and she said to him "Well maybe if you were Troy Aikman I would have known who you were"!!  Everyone at that table just roared!!! I am sure he had women fawning all over him all the time but not my friend!! She was not impressed!  He went to his car and pouted.  Of course, sitting in a Ferrari probably made soothed his bruised little ego just a little!

This is a funny story about me.  In my former life, before becoming a mom and wife and mommy taxi driver and living this glamorous life of laundry and dishes, I was a medical assistant and worked for a doctors office.  We had many, many hilarious things that happened and usually I was around to see most of them!  One day a man came in the office and had stepped on a nail.  He needed a Tetanus shot.  Well, this man only had one arm.  I always asked which arm a patiend wanted a shot in, so I kept thinking to myself "Don't ask him which arm, Don't ask him which arm, Don't ask him which arm"!  I drew up the Tetanus and walked in the treatment room and he and I were talking and laughing.  He had a great dry sense of humor so he was cracking me up.  After about a minute of talking and getting the alcohol pad, gauze and bandaid ready, I turned right around and asked "Which arm do you want it in?" and he shook his little stump at me and said "Well, what the Hell do you think?"!! Oh my gosh!!! I was mortified!! He just shook his head and laughed at me!!  Can you say cringe worthy moment???

Okay, so now that you have had a laugh at my expense and Kerry Collins' expense.  Have a great day!!

Lesson #15,129-Crap I Wish I Wouldn't Have Done

Okay, so since having a child there have been many, many mistakes made.  I have done some crazy stuff.  Mostly because I was sleep deprived and didn't have one more ounce of strength to do one more thing for one more person that day.  There have been a few things that I have done that I am not proud of.  I have thrown a towel over peed on sheets before.  I have thrown a towel over vomited on sheets before.  YES, they were washed the next morning but I just didn't have the strength or energy to take them off of the bed and put them in the washer that night.  Of course, the kid was changed and wiped off with a wet wipe but the bedding wasn't of my concern at 3am!!  Don't you judge me!!

If you are like me, you have done your child's homework before.  The kid was taking hours to do 5 friggin' problems!!  He had almost pulled out every hair from his head.  He had shed 4,000 tears.  The kid just wasn't getting it!  We were on about hour 6 of homework and again I needed my sleep.  I took the pencil from him, sent him to bed and wrote in my most horrible handwriting the answers to the questions.  Don't you judge me!!

I have lied to this kid about so many things that I cannot even keep track of my lies.  I will not even start with the obvious, Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and The Easter Bunny.  There are the lies that have been told about what ingredients are in foods.  This kid has thought that squid was just chewy chicken.  Come to think of it, my son has eaten many dishes that he thought was chicken that turned out to be something completely different.  Only after he had eaten them was he informed about the pseudo chicken. Until you have an extremely picky eater, don't you judge me!!  Then there are lies about what we are going to do that day.  When my son was little, he was a bit of a frady cat.  He was always afraid to try new things.  I would tell him that we were going to go do something that he has tried before and then we would do something else.  He would usually cry and scream and hang on tight but ended up enjoying whatever we were really doing.  Until you have a child who is a frady cat, don't you judge me!!

The thing that I am least proud of as a parent is when my son was about to turn 10-years old, he would sneak into the bedroom and climb in bed with me.  Of course, he would wake me up!!  Have you ever known a 9-year old who could sneak anywhere??  Anyway, he had woken me up for about the 15th night in a row and I told him that "if his friends ever found out that he was still sleeping with his mommy that they would make fun of him". Oh.  My.  Gosh.  The poor child burst into tears and wouldn't speak to me for a day.  Oh, I felt so bad!!  It was true though.  He would probably still sneak into my room if I hadn't made him think of that. Don't you judge me!!  I needed my sleep!!!

Lesson #15,128-What a Bunch of Cry Babies!!

Okay, so we have become a nation a whiny butt cry babies!!  Everyone is constantly getting offended.  Everyone is racist.  Everyone is anti this or that.  Everyone is "something phobic".  If you don't like something, it's because something is wrong with YOU!!  If you don't agree with something, it's because something is wrong with YOU!!  If you are anti something, it's because something is wrong with YOU!!  Why can't we just agree to disagree?  Why can't we all have our own opinion about an issue?  You don't have to agree with me, just don't call me a name if I don't agree with you.  You won't hear me hear me calling you a name if you don't agree with me.  Well, except for stupid, dumb, unintelligent, uninformed, uneducated, closed minded, too open minded, moron or idiot, but never, ever will I call you racist or something phobic.  Unless you are really a racist.  If you hate someone because they are black, white, oriental, Hispanic or Indian, then you aren't worth my time.  If you have a phobia of something, for real, I won't hold it against you.  If you have arachnophobia, that's okay.  I am not much on spiders either.  I will, however, not call you a name.  I will not "unfriend" you on Facebook because you don't like spiders or cats or even white people.  Sometimes I don't like us much either!!  If I don't like you, you can bet that it isn't because of the color of your skin.  If I don't like you, you are probably an asshole.  And that's a fact, Jack!!

Okay, so stop getting so offended by everything, people!  If you can't take a joke, you probably shouldn't be my friend.  If you aren't much for sarcasm, you probably shouldn't be my friend.  If you are easily offended, you probably shouldn't be my friend.  I am an equal opportunity offender.  I pick on everyone.  Unless I don't like you.  If I don't pick on you, I probably don't like you.  If I can't laugh with you, I probably don't like you.  Don't be a cry baby!!  I'm not racist or anti-anything, well maybe anti-people who cannot laugh at themselves!!  Relax, people!!

Lesson #15,127-Teacher Work Day? Really??

Okay, so today is a "Teacher Work Day". Let's just call it what it really is, okay? It's a Mommy Work Day. The teachers get a day to get their crap done without the children there to bother them.  Now they are all at home bothering their moms. They will want to go somewhere, eat a few meals and snacks, go and pick up a friend and they will make messes.  They will eat sugary snacks and be wild!! Moms will not get anything done today.  So, I think this Saturday should be a Mommy Work Day.  Ya know? So we can get our crap done without the children here to bother us.  Can we send them to school?  Maybe have them meet at a community center?  How about the library?  Now don't call us at noon to come and get them because they are hungry.  Okay?

I see in my future, going to pick up breakfast. Then maybe a movie.  Then lunch.  Then maybe picking up a friend and going shopping.  I wonder how much money is spent on "Teacher Work Days" to entertain children when we could send them to school for free!!!  I see no shower or make up in my future today.  It will be like every other Saturday around my house.  Then I only have 4 weekdays to get my 5 days of work done in.  There will be no nap today and that sucks!!  Thanks a lot, stupid Teacher Work Day!!  Yes, I said it.  No nap!!  It was on my list of things to do today and now it won't get done because our educators need a day.  Good grief!!  Give me a break!!  No really, give me a break!!  Or just a nap.  A nap will do.




On the up side, we don't have to do the Monday After the Time Change dragging out of the bed thing. Maybe the Teacher's Work Day was a good idea after all!!