Lesson #150,154-Romance isn't dead!! (In the animal kingdom)

Okay, So I have some good news, Ladies!!  Romance is not dead!!  Well, at least not in the animal kingdom.  Sitting in the quiet house with no television, radio or vacuum cleaner on, I can hear the songbirds singing their little hearts out.  Sounds I have never heard before.  The most beautiful singing that I have ever heard.  Those little male songbirds with their feathers all aglow with color and their songs ring through the trees searching for the perfect mate.  All male birds are more beautiful than their female counterparts.  From ducks to little finches, their colors are beautiful. It is meant to attract the ladies.  Lady birds.  I think human men should take notes from these birds.  I mean, I don't think men should dress in feathers and sing, unless you are a drag queen.  Of course, even straight women love a good drag show.  Maybe that's why we love a drag show!!


Why do men hate to dress up so much?  Women love to dress up in our sexy cocktail dresses and heels that we pay way too much for.  Women love makeup and our favorite day of the month is Hair Day!! The day we get to color our gray "plumes" back to our "natural" color.  When men turn gray and have laugh lines, they are considered "distinguished".  When they are distinguished and are dressed nicely, they are considered "dapper".  When women of a certain age are gray and have laugh lines, we are considered "aging" so we fight it tooth and nail with Botox, filler and hair dye.  Even having face lifts or neck lifts. Horrible laser treatments and chemical peels. When it comes to aging, women can be way more vain than our male counterparts. Trust me on this...aging women, such as myself, feel like we are falling apart at the seams.  Aging isn't for wimps!!  In my 20's, if I needed to lose a couple of pounds, I could lose them easily without working out like a mad woman.  Now, I have to work out just to maintain a certain weight.  Muscle isn't built easily.  Fat isn't lost easily.

My point is this, we would like to be wooed like the birds do for their mates, even when we have been together for over 20 years.  Bring me a bouquet of fresh flowers once in a while.  Surprise me with a day at the spa.  Write me a little note and leave it on my pillow.  Believe me, you don't have to sing.  As a matter of fact, please don't!! When we have the chance to go to an event that we have to dress a certain way, JUST DO IT!! I promise that all of us housewives don't expect our men to wear a seersucker suit and a bow tie every day but it would be nice to see our men in some khaki pants and a nice pair of Bucks occasionally.  If you aren't from The South, you probably don't know what Bucks are. Here in The South, a sure way to catch your ladies' eye is to wear a seersucker suit and a pair of Bucks.

I know that women can do better to make sure our mates know how we feel about them.  We get into our daily routines and running children hither and yon, but we would like some romance occasionally too.  Even when we have been married forever!! We all get in our ruts and have an unrealistic view of how marriage should be.  I blame this on Hollywood.  I'm sure that 200 years ago, women knew how married life would be.  Hollywood makes every fairytale romance look like it can be reality.  Let's all make a little more effort in our relationships.  Maybe just eating together in the dining room without cell phones or the TV on.  Maybe even just sitting and talking on the back porch with a cold drink. Let's bring back romance!!  It's not dead!!  Take notes from the birds!!

Lesson #150,152-What's A Mom To Wear??

Okay, So what is a Mom to wear?  Now, we can all get tips on what NOT to wear when we go to Walmart.  Just sit on a bench near the checkout and you will be amazed at what people wear in that place.  Hopefully, we all know that pajamas and fuzzy slippers are not appropriate for leaving the house and going shopping.  Okay, you can wear them if you go to Walmart but if you are going to Target or the grocery store, please leave the Hello Kitty pjs on the floor in your bedroom. 

Moms are constantly being picked on about Mom jeans and yoga pants.  If it were up to me, I would live in my yoga pants and my favorite long sleeved tee shirts.  My high fashion consists of Guy Harvey and Vineyard Vines Tees.  My "Mom Jeans" are from American Eagle, $30, and they don't look like Mom Jeans.  My favorite shoes are my 5 year old, well-worn Sperry topsiders.  I look at some Moms in carpool line and they usually look much like I do.  Some have played tennis and have their tight shorts on and their butts look amazing. Some have taught exercise classes all day and they look amazing in their yoga pants.  Some Moms have just left court and have been litigating cases all day and they look great!! Some Moms are in their yoga pants and a side pony and rock it.  Let me clear one thing up.  My yoga pants have never been to yoga.  I just love them!! Now, I do Pilates and dance in them. (Dance=until this pro/am dance competition is over and then I will be back to Pilates only!!)  Some Moms just look like a hot mess.  Usually I am one of them.  I am going to work on this.

Okay, so what are we supposed to wear without being judged?  I refuse to dress up to go to carpool, the grocery store and Target.  I watch reality TV and see these ladies on "The Real Housewives of..." all around town in cocktail dresses, full makeup, eyelashes and hair curled.  Not a ball cap in sight!!  Let's settle on something comfortable.  I am, by no means, someone to be giving out style advice but maybe I can help moms spruce up their wardrobes with a few simple tips.  Again, just to be clear, we don't need to wear heels and be uncomfortable to look good.  We can wear a solid colored tee with an inexpensive thin cardigan (from Gap Outlet) over it to look a little nicer than just the tee.  A white tee and a white collared shirt are your best friends.  Everyone looks great in a crisp white collared shirt, no matter what size you are!! You can throw a scarf around your neck if there is a chill in the air and look great. Something like this:

Or this:


In the summer, we can wear things like this:

Or this:

I am short so I don't have some of the options that some of my tall readers have so here are a few tips for us "Shorties".  "Petite" women should never wear long skirts.  It makes us look 6 inches shorter.  We should not wear Bermuda shorts.  We should not wear bell bottomed jeans, no matter what real stylists tell us!!  Some of us petite girls are told not to wear Capri pants.  I disagree a little bit.  If they are longer capris, they don't look good on us.  If they are calf length capris, those are fine.  Shorter shorts make our legs look longer!!  We can create that illusion of being tall, even though we are not.  I can't wear long dresses or skirts.  Tall girls can rock those cute Maxi dresses.  We cannot!!  Y'all tall girls, just go on with your bad selves!!  Us short girls will be in our short skirts and dresses. 

We don't have to "dress up" to look nice.  Invest in a nice belt.  I bought a belt from Gap years ago that I only paid $30 for and I wear that thing all the time.  A nice leather belt will usually set you back over $80 but if you think about it, you will wear it with nearly everything from shorts, jeans, capris or even over a cute dress.  Spend a little money on your belt and get a good one.  You can buy less expensive sandals at TJ Maxx or Target to set off your look.

Now, even though I am short, I hate wearing heels unless I am at an event or church.  It isn't practical to wear heels when you are a mother who works at home.  Chasing around children in 6 inch heels is impossible.  Plus, wearing them to the soccer field will ruin the heels!!  Save your heels for church, charity events or maybe even date night!!

Buy some inexpensive jewelry from a downtown boutique or even a vintage store.  Some of the jewelry that my mother wore in the 70's is still in style now.  Layer small bracelets or a silver cuff to dress up an outfit.  Most moms can't afford real gold earrings so just be sure to buy "gold" earrings with sterling posts.  That will make you look great without the expensive price tag.  As the saying goes, fake it 'til you make it!! You don't need a string of $5,000 pearls.  You can get the $20 string and nobody will know the difference.  Here in the South, a string of pearls is an essential part of your jewelry box.  You can raid your mother's jewelry box and find a string.  If they need restringing, you can buy a cheap skinny ribbon and restring them yourself and tie a bow at the end.  Restring them in any color ribbon to go with any outfit.  Simply tie a small knot in the end and roll them onto the next color of ribbon.  Easy!! Also, friends can help with jewelry.  Trade a few necklaces and earring for a month and make a new style!!  Borrowing and trading can be fun!!

Okay, so I hope this helps.  Now, don't judge me if you see me in carpool line with my ball cap on and NO PEARLS!!!  Much love to all of you Moms who work so hard every day!! Your work can often be overlooked unless it is not done.

Lesson #15,148-Summer Time!!

Okay, So, I cannot decide if summer is too long or too short.  Our school runs on a year-round schedule but it is not really "year-round".  They do get about 6-7 weeks in the summer.  That is not very long and we all wish it was longer!!  But then again, if I hear "I'm bored.", "Can somebody come over to spend the night?", "What time will so-in-so be here?", "Can we go bowling?", "Can we go to the record store?", "I don't want to get up", "I don't want to go to the pool, or play soccer outside or ride my bike or do my summer reading or anything else that you suggest"!!!!!  "I'm hungry" is another of my least favorite sentences to hear.  "Can we go to Bojangles?" and "Can you pick me up some Chick-fil-a?" makes me want to cringe.

We are so lame that we didn't eat hotdogs and hamburgers on the 4th of July!!  We ate leftovers from Olive Garden.  How lame is that??  What is wrong with us??  We made up for it today and ate hamburgers for dinner.  Had to do it!  So, Happy 5th of July, People!!  We celebrated Cinco de Julio!

We are heading to the beach in a few days for one more week there before school starts back!  UGH!!  Okay, So is summer too short or too long?  I suppose it is according to the day that you ask me!  I am not looking forward to getting up early again and helping with homework and soccer practices and projects and book reports and all of that again!!  Then again, I won't have to fix lunch and snacks 100 times a day!!  After the beach, all we will have to look forward to is fall break!!  That is my favorite part of the year round schedule! 
 
So, tell me how you all are keeping your children occupied this summer.  Especially if you have an "Only Child"?  We have had a lot of sleepovers!!  Borrowing other people's kids are the way to go when I have only one!  They are probably tired of entertaining their multiples!!  So, I am helping them out, really!!  Right??

Lesson #15,147-Summer Break!!!!!

Okay, so school gets out today, for summer, here in NC.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Super Excited about not having to get up at 6:00am for 7 weeks!  No homework for 7 weeks.  No packing lunches for 7 weeks.  No projects for 7 weeks.  No studying for 7 weeks.  No tests for 7 weeks.  That being said, there is also no going back to bed at 8:30am for 7 weeks.  No lunching with my friends for 7 weeks.  No peace and quiet from 8am-3pm!!  I will be hearing "Mom, I'm bored" about 5,000 times over the next 7 weeks.  I will have to stock up on snacks and lunch food.  There will be stinky teenage boys in my house at all times.  My floors will not be clean for 7 weeks.  There will be cookie crumbs and potato chip crumbs in my sofa cushions for the next 7 weeks.  That's okay though.  Sleeping past 8:00am is a treat for me.  Now I just need to find a quiet hairdryer so my husband doesn't wake me up when he is getting ready for work.  Maybe I can find some earplugs that really work!!  Maybe I can also find a shock collar that shocks my son every time he says "I'm bored"!!

I know that I love summertime and there are some great reasons to love summer break and believe me, I do!!  There are also some great reasons to hate summer break!  I am already dreading the "I'm bored, Mom" and "Mom, can I have a friend over?".  I'm dreading the crumbs and the smelly teenage boys.  I'm dreading the sticky floors and the elevated grocery bills.  However, the warm weather and sleeping for 2 more hours a day may soften the blow!!





I suppose there could be nothing worse than having a kid that has to go to summer school.  That must suck!!

Happy Summer Break, Everyone!!!

Lesson #15,146-I Want a Job!!

Okay, so I have been a SAHM for over 13 years now.  It has been great and I love it but I think I want to start earning my own money.  What kind of jobs are out there for me?  I mean, I now have "Mommy Brain" so I can't remember anything.  My brain has turned to mush!!  I can't remember how to use Excel.  I can't type very fast anymore.  I can't work weekends.  Well, I can but I don't want to.  I can't work evenings either.  Well, I don't want to do that either.  I only want to work from about 10am to 2:00pm.  I take that back.  I need a nap sometimes so I'm gonna need to leave about 12:30.  Are there any jobs that I can work from about 10am to 12:30pm?  Oh and I am going to have to wear my yoga pants because they are very comfortable.  No makeup would be great and if I didn't have to fix my hair that would be a bonus as well!!

Let's see now.  What am I really good at nowadays? I am pretty good at driving carpool.  The kids only have like a tardy or 2 this year.  What else?  I'm great at Facebook and Instagram.  I am an ace at drinking wine and eating crackers and cheese.  I cook really well but I don't bake.  I only like to cook about twice a week so I am really good at making sandwiches.  I'm not great at decorating but I have fabulous boards on Pinterest.  I am great at Internet shopping.  I can win an eBay auction with 2 seconds remaining!! I can do laundry but I don't like putting it away.  I can rearrange a dishwasher so many times that I can get every cup in my cabinets in one load!!  I can clean a cat litter box in 30 seconds.  I can pack a backpack and fix peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with my eyes closed.  They are usually still closed at 6am!!  I give the best kisses and snuggles that my son has ever had!!

Okay, so maybe I should just keep my day job since nobody is hiring for anything that I am good at now.  Plus, I would probably forget to go to work because of my "Mommy Brain".  Being a Mom doesn't pay well but being a Great Mom is worth more than silver and gold.  Better stick with what I know I am good at!!

Lesson #15,145-Happy Freaking Birthday To Me!!

Okay, So this sucks!  When you are turning 43 and not a child anymore, nobody really cares about your birthday.  It's not a milestone birthday like 10, 13, 16, 21, 30, 40, etc.  It's 43.  Whoop Dee Do!  Who cares, really?  I want a damn birthday party!! I want cotton candy!!  I want balloons and a petting zoo and birthday cake and birthday presents and I want everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to ME!!  Then I want to take a nap.  What am I, 3??  Seriously??  When did we stop getting to have birthday parties?  Would it be frowned upon if I threw myself a birthday party??  I think the older we get the better parties we should get.  Why not?  If nobody will throw you a birthday party, throw yourself one!!  I may be a Birthday Brat this year!!

If I have to buy my own gift, I will.  If I have to buy my own cake, I will.  If I have to have my party catered, I will.  If I have to decorate my own house, I will.  If I have to buy my own balloons, I will.  If I have to send out invitations to my own party, I will.  If I have to buy plates, cups and napkins, I will.  If I have to hire a damn clown, I WILL!!  I want a party!! I want a party!! I want a party!!  Go ahead and call me a Birthday Brat!!

Now what kind of party should I have??  Pool Party?  Roller Skating Party?  Dance Party?  Cookout?  Masquerade Party?  Pizza Party?  Beach Party?  Wine Party?  Ice Cream Party?  Movie Party?  Oh what the heck!! I may have them all in one!!  Just because I can!!  That is the best part about being an adult, we can have any kind of party that we want!!  So bring your beach ball, float, roller skates, dancing shoes, grilling mitts, mask, pizza, bottle of wine, ice cream scoop and your favorite DVD and come on over!!

Life is too short to wait on someone else to throw you a party.  Throw yourself one!!!

Lesson #15,144-IT'S MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND PEOPLE!!!!

Okay, so it is Mother's Day Weekend!!  YES, WEEKEND!!  Fathers only get Father's Day but Moms get the entire weekend!!  Yes, it is fair!!!  (Unless you are a single father.  Then you get an entire weekend too!!)

So, what do you think your loved ones will give you for Mother's Day?  I am sure that dads and children all over America will be scurrying all day today to find a card and the dads will "allow" the children to pick out a gift for Mom.  Then we get to open the gifts and pretend that the gifts are perfect!!  "Oh, sweetheart, I love this beautiful bunny sweater. I really, really do!"  (UGH)  I have the perfect solution!!  I think I will drag my husband to the mall for the "Perfect" gift for me!!  I will pretend that I want to go with them!!  Genius, right?  Actually, I am just making sure my gift this year doesn't come from CVS off the "As Seen On TV" aisle!!  Although, I do love that stuff, I just don't want to get any of it for Mother's Day.

So, here's to all of you Mothers out there!! I hope you all have a great weekend!! Maybe even get a nap in!!  Wouldn't that be a great weekend?


Happy Mother's Day!!!

Lesson #15,140-Types of Parents

Okay, so there are 101 types of parents out there but I'm gonna tell you about my favorites.

Helicopter Parents:  Helicopter parents are those who hover over their children.  They want to know everything that is going on in their children's lives.  They want to be a part of everything in their children's lives.  They want to fight their children's battles.  They want their child to be number one at everything.  These parents are really not doing their child any favors.  If we are a part of everything that our children do then they never learn how to cope with situations without our help.  Life doesn't work that way!!  Do I want to go and smack some kid that is mean to my child?  Sure, but I have to let my child learn to take care of himself.

Absentee Parents:  These are parents who think they are doing their children a favor by not being there for them when they do need them.  Sure, they may turn out to be independent adults but they need us for guidance and love while they are children.  Our children do need to be children and need to be able to have open dialogue with us when it comes to some subjects.  If you aren't talking to your child about sex, someone else is.  If you aren't giving your child love and affection, someone else will.  It may be from someone who doesn't care one bit about them either!!  The backseat of some guy's car isn't the place for love to be given.

"My Child is Perfect" Parents:  These are the parents who can "one up" your child's A+, your child's hole in one, your child's 3 point shot, your child's awesome soccer goal, your child's national championship wrestling medal, your child's triple back tuck!!  We all know them.  These parent's have the most perfect children that ever lived.  They make the best grades.  They are the best in sports. They are the most well behaved children.  They are the best looking or most beautiful children that were ever born.  I mean, we all think our child is the best looking and most beautiful children that we have ever seen but that's because they are ours!!  We just don't say it out loud!!!  These parents do!! UGH!! These are the most annoying parents EVER!!

"My Kid is The Worst" Parents:  These are the parents who never have anything positive to say about their children even when they are awesome kids!  Most kids have at least one redeeming quality but to these parents, it's never enough.  "So what if you scored 25 points in the basketball game?  You should have scored 30."  I think these are the most damaging parents.  I know what they are trying to do and that is living vicariously through their children but never telling your child that you are proud of them is damaging.

Angry Parents:  These parents are the ones who stir up more drama than a middle school girl could ever start!  Nothing is ever right with their children's teachers, their friends, their school, their dance instructor, their soccer coach and on and on and on.  These parents just need some Xanax!!  I can't even talk to these people!

Cool Parents:  These are the parents who want to be their children's best friend.  They let their kids talk any ole way to them.  They let their kids do anything they want to do.  The kids tell the parents what they are going to do instead of the other way around.  That is the tail wagging the dog!! I tell my son, all the time, that he has plenty of friends but only 2 parents.  I don't want to be his friend.  I want to be his mom!! That is a hard enough job!  He isn't going to tell me what to do, where we will go and how we should do things.  I drive this bus, Bubby, not you!  Don't get me wrong, I will talk to my son about anything that he wants to talk about but I am going to give him advice from a parent's perspective, not his friends.  No, he will not be allowed to drink in my home.  No, I won't be buying him cigarettes.  No, he will not be having girls up in his room.  When he goes away to college, I can't watch what he does but while he is in my home he will respect my rules.

Over-Protective Parent:  These are the parents that never let their child out of their sight except for school.  They won't let their children go to other people's houses EVER!  They won't let their child ride their bike down the street.  They won't let their children do anything.  This, to me, tells their child that they don't trust them at all and never will.  Kids have to have boundaries, I understand that, but we have to give them a little breathing room and a little privacy.

Okay, so what's a happy medium?  Every child is different.  We all have different parenting styles and philosophies.  I think we just need to give our children love, affection, attention, teach them right from wrong and be good examples for them as adults.  We weren't perfect when we were children so why expect our children to be? (Except for y'all "My Child is Perfect Parents". Y'all already have perfect kids!)  They will make mistakes and bad grades and fail to make a team and not score 30 points but we have to love them and guide them to do their best.  My son studied for a test, not too long ago, and failed the test.  He was afraid to tell me what grade he got.  When he finally told me, I asked if that was the test that he had studied for and he said it was so I told him that if that was the best he could do then that was the best he could do.  I told him that he needed to work harder for the next test and pull up his grade.  He got the highest grade in the class on the next test because he had to work harder and pull up his grade.  I am, by far, not perfect so why expect him to be?  Parenting is a hard job.  Do your best to raise good adults!

Lesson #15,135-Dads and Moms. Yep We Parent Much Differently

Okay, so we all know moms and dads parent differently but is one the more fun parent?  Is there a good cop/bad cop thing going on?  One is a pushover and one is strict?  One is very careful and the other is reckless?  I swear there is something to this!  Hear me out!!

Moms tend to be gentle and loving. We get the kids all calmed down and ready for bed and the dads start rolling around on the floor with them and holding them up in the air by their ankles and swinging them around and around and around.  Then Dad wants them to be quiet so he can watch TV and he falls asleep on the couch and leaves mom to get the kids calmed back down and ready for bed.  Sound familiar?  Dads are rougher!!

Since moms are with the kids more we can overlook more infractions.  Dad walks in from work and the kids are bouncing off the walls and screaming and running around and mom is oblivious.  As long as nobody is screaming bloody murder and they're not bothering Mom, she doesn't care.  Dad looks at Mom like she is off her rocker, which she probably is from being home with these wild children all day.  Dad walks into the living room and says "What in the world is going on in here?" and the kids look like a deer in the headlights. They are thinking "Oh shit. Dad's home. Gotta behave now".  Mom could have said to be quiet, calm down, sit down or chill out 100 times but Dad just has to say it once.  Makes no sense!!  Mom gave birth to you rugrats and you listen to Dad??

Dads hear the same story about what happened today at school and have a way different perspective about what to do the next time it happens.  Here is the story that the kid tells:  "I was at school today, minding my own business and this kid said that I was a poopy head".  Mom will say, "Well, honey, just try to be nice to this kid" or "just ignore him" and Dad walks in and hears the same story and says, "You walk up to this kid and punch him in the nose".  No joke!!  Dad says he doesn't care if you get suspended, you just better not take crap from that kid ever again and that kid's dad was a nerd in high school.

At the soccer games, the moms sit on the sidelines talking and cheering on the kids and telling them "good job".  Dads stand on the sidelines screaming at the kids and telling them to "push that kid back when he pushes you".  Guess who gets in more altercations at soccer games?  Don't get me wrong, I have been in an altercation at the soccer field too but it was with a DAD!!!  He let his team say "F*** You", instead of "Good Game".  He was the coach and let his team be bad sports!!

The sex talk is another difference that parents have.  Moms explain it all in great detail.  We explain the dangers of sex too young, sex with random people, how you can get in a lot of trouble and how it can ruin your life and your plans for achieving your dreams and goals.  Dads just say "Don't do it" and "Protect yourself"!  Actually some dads are like "Atta boy"!!  What to do?? What to do??

So who is more fun?  Mom or Dad?  I say MOM!!!  Of course, I would say that!!

Lesson #15,134-Boys or Girls? Which Is Easier?

Okay, so everyone has an opinion about which is the easier sex to raise.  Some say boys and some say girls.  The arguments that I hear don't always apply to every child so don't write me saying that I am wrong!!  Here is the argument for the girls.  Girls are calmer.  Girls are sweetly natured.  Girls are loving.  Girls are easier and more fun to dress. Girls are not mischievous.  Girls don't tear up their toys.  Girls are not rough on clothes.  Girls don't have to be tough.  Here's the argument against the girls.  Girls are sneaky. Girls can be so mean to each other.  Girls gossip.  Girls can get bad reputations with one mistake.  Girls hold grudges.  Girls are moody.  Girls are complex.  Girls have to have their hair done. Girls start drama.

Then there is the argument for the boys.  Boys love their moms.  Boys are loving.  Boys are what they are.  Boys don't get caught up in drama. Boys can have an argument with their buddy, punch each other in the eye and 5 minutes later they are playing basketball.  Boys are simple humans.  Boys don't have to have their hair done. Here is the argument against the boys.  Boys are rough and tumble.  Boys are moody when they are going through puberty.  Boys make messes.  Boys are more active than girls. Boys are rough on their clothes and shoes.  Boys have tempers. Boys are much less fun to dress.

Okay, so I only have a boy but I am a girl and I know people who have girls.  I love these little girls but I swear my son is easy!!  He is loving and sweet.  He doesn't tear up things.  He never wrote on the walls or acted like a bull in a china shop.  He has a pretty darn great attitude about life.  He has empathy for other people.  Maybe he is the exception to the rule.  I don't know??  One thing that I do know for sure is that I only have to worry about ONE PENIS.  If I had a girl, I would have to worry about ALL OF THEM!!!  That alone makes me thank God above that I have a boy!!  I love girls, don't get me wrong.  I am one, for Pete's sake!! When I was pregnant, I wanted a boy.  I cried tears of joy when they did my ultrasound and said that I was having a boy.  Most women probably want a girl. Not me.  That whole having to worry about more than one penis did me in!!

Lesson #15,130-What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (And other sayings that are BS!)

Okay, so we have all heard those inspirational sayings that go something like this:  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  What a load of crap!  If it almost kills you, it probably weakens you!!  If you are sad and weak, you start to feed your pain.  When you feed your pain, you gain weight.  So after your trauma, you cry, get depressed, eat too much chocolate and ice cream and gain a few pounds.  Then you feel worse about yourself and get even more depressed.  You get the picture, right?
(HUH??)

There is another saying that just pisses me off.  The one that goes like this.  No pain, no gain.  Actually, it is a pain to lose, not to gain!!  It is fun and delicious to gain.  It's a pain to have to diet, count calories and exercise.  So that saying is stupid too!!
(Yet another dumb quote!)

Another saying that drives me nuts is "It's never too late".  Well.  Yes it is.  Sometimes it is just way too late.  When someone is pale faced and has blue lips, it's too late!!  What about "Be the change you want to see in the world".  Well I can be as nice as I can but some people will always be jerks!  It seems to piss them off even worse if you are nicer to them.  Some rude people even roll their eyes and walk away when you are nice to them.  If you chase them down and are really, really nice to them, they call for security.  Geez, what is the problem??
(If you've been turned down 1,000 times your idea probably sucks)

"Success doesn't happen overnight".  Sometimes it does!!  Sometimes you win the lottery at night and by morning you are a millionaire!!  One day you can't pay your Visa bill and the next you can max that bad boy out and pay it off when you receive that giant check!!  "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted".  Well, sometimes it is.  Gave a homeless person a penny and he threw it back at me and it rolled into a grate that led to the sewer.  Totally wasted a perfectly good penny!!
(Oh shut up!!)

"Be strong.  You never know who you are inspiring".  If they are inspired by me then they are serious losers!  I mean really.  Who wants to be me?  Some days I don't even shower!  It takes me 2 days to fold a load of laundry.  If you want me to inspire you to workout, I can give you someone else's phone number.  I don't care if you workout or not.  As a matter of fact, if you could help me think of an excuse not to go today, that would be great!!
(What if nobody loves me?)

"Look on the bright side".  Well if I wanted to look on the damn bright side, I would not be bitching about the not-so-bright side.  Just go with it!  I want to have a damn pity party for 24 hours and then we can look at the bright side.  Okay??  "Let it be".  Let it be??  I want to go whip somebody's ass!!  You coming?
(No.)

"A goal without a plan is just a dream".  No shit but I really want to be the first 4'11" Rockette who has never taken tap dancing lessons before.  Shut up!!  It is MY goal!!  "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly".  Yeah, well, at least the butterfly could fly!!  That is my other goal.  My favorite inspirational quote is this one:  "Bad decisions make great stories"!!!  I have some great stories!!