Lesson #15,121-Cleaning Before The Housekeeper Comes

Okay, so my husband thinks I am a crazy person.  I clean my house before the housekeeper comes.  No, I don't mop the floors and dust but I do make the beds, pick up the laundry and toys off of the floor, put the dishes in the dishwasher, put away the hair products and makeup from the bathroom counter and I clean off the tables.  But why?  I mean, the last person to judge me is my housekeeper!  I don't want my housekeeper knowing that I am a slob!!  Why else would I need a housekeeper?  I sure wouldn't need one if I was a clean freak!




Seriously though, my husband thinks I am absolutely insane.  He thinks that I should let the housekeeper clean the crap up off of the floor and make the beds and pick up the laundry etc. I just don't want other people in my house for hours and hours cleaning my messes!  Is that really insane?  They are here to clean, right?  I am paying them to clean, right?  Why do I feel guilty leaving crap on the table?  I have had the same housekeeper for almost 10 years so they are used to coming into a fairly clean house.  What if I started leaving it like I usually do?  I would probably be looking for a new housekeeper because mine is so spoiled!!  They would walk in and be like "What the hell is going on here?  Do we actually have to clean?" 
I suppose if I had to hire another housekeeper I would hire one that does laundry, picks crap up off the floor and changes bed linens.  I want someone who knows how to make beds like The Marriott!!  You better be able to bounce a quarter on that bed!!




I'm insane aren't I??

Lesson #15,120-This Homework Thang

Okay, so this homework thang is really cutting into my watching TV and vegging out time.  I know that I have complained before about how much homework kids have nowadays but this studying for tests, writing papers and doing projects thing is seriously getting out of hand.  I had to miss The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills rerun last night because we had to put together a poster of The Muscular and Skeletal System.  These kids nowadays cannot get away with plagiarism like we could.  I copied word for word from the encyclopedias that we had from 1969 and got away with it when I was in middle school.  These kids today cannot get away with it because the teachers can scan their papers and have the computer check for plagiarism.  Poor kids!!  Poor parents!!!  What a pain in the butt that is!  The teachers at my school had to just guess if we had copied that crap from somewhere else!  If it didn't sound like something that you would write, they would just ask if you copied it out of a book.  We would all be like "Noooooo".

Sometimes I think computers are the greatest thing ever because you can type anything you want into the search engine and you will find tons of information on any subject.  That makes writing an essay, report or term paper very easy.  We used to actually go to the library and find books on a subject, if there was one!!  Now, you can sit in your underwear, in your living room and pull up information on The Cold War, The Great Wall of China or The Branches of Government.  You just better not plagiarize any of it because they have that same computer to check for that!!

I suppose it is a good thing that we don't have to have all of those Encyclopedia Brittanica A-Z's in our living rooms now.  They used to be decoration in our house but now I have leather bound, antique books as decoration.  Some of which are not even written in English but I just thought they were "pretty"!!  I'm such a loser!!  Anyway, life may be easier now but back when I was a kid I could just copy that old information and cut pictures right out of the same encyclopedias to get an A+ on my projects!!  So kiddos, Y'all better get to work on your projects!!  Be sure not to copy ANYTHING word for word!! Hahahaha!!  We may not have had the Internet, cable TV and Xbox but we also didn't have plagiarism software!!!! Who had the better childhood?  BOOM!!

Lesson #15,119-Facebook Rules and Regulations by Susan

Okay, so my friend Susan Radford started a list of rules that she wishes everyone would follow on Facebook and it looks like most people agree!  She is allowing me to share them with my readers in hopes to get the word out!  You may recognize Susan from movies and series TV.  She is our little movie star!!  Being an extra in blockbuster movies like The Hunger Games and IronMan 3 among others.  She is also on Homeland and Banshee.  Oh and then she has a real job as co-owner of English Aesthetics.  If your face needs pampering, and you live in the Monroe, NC area, give her a call!!

Anyway, back to the rules.  Here goes:

Facebook rules (or should be):

1. Don't hijack a post. So, you're participating in a thread...let's say it's about an upcoming vacation, when from out of nowhere someone pops in and yells "HEY I NEED TO CHANGE CARPOOL WEEKS!!!!!!". It really brings the party down. Which brings me to...

2. DON'T POST IN ALL CAPS...it's obnoxious. Or Even Worse Is Posting With Just The First Letter In Caps. Why, just why?

3. One upping. "So sorry your roof fell in and you have pneumonia and and you've got to put granny in the nursing home...let's talk about MY problems...I have 12 sick children, hubs lost his job AND my eyelashes all fell out last night". 

4. Dear God, even if you are passionate to the extreme about your cause, job, kids, etc, in the name of all that is holy, don't update your status every 32 seconds. Trust me, you lose people this way.

5. My personal favorite...posting about someone or some situation in a vague, cloudy, passive aggressive, negative way. "Some people need to watch what they say in front of my cousin or certain people are going to be sorry". What?!

6. !!!!???:))))???!!!:-)))  Too many of those. Ok, add on some hahaha's and that is me actually:))

7. Constant, hourly Democrat/Republican bashing...we get it!!!!

8. Posts like this "I am so sad today"...Then you refuse to say why even after 47 of your friends have begged you to explain. If you just want some attention I will take you to Alice Jules for some coffee and a good cry.

9. If you look great in the picture and my cellulite is showing and you don't crop me out I will hunt you down.

10. Status updates that are too wordy.

11. Give a spoiler alert when you are about to spoil something for somebody. Some of us are waaaay behind on our TiVo'ing or DVR'ing or what have you. I DO NOT want to hear who died on Downton Abbey!!

12. I know that what you are selling is the greatest thing ever for health, wealth, happiness and weight loss but please post the majority of that stuff on your business page!

13. Feel free to brag on your spouse and children when they deserve it...if they are pieces of crap it's kinda on you...you picked 'em or raised 'em.

14. Selfies...seriously? How many pictures per day is appropriate to post of yourself? Nobody's arm looks good in those pics anyway.

15. So, I'm sitting here unsuspecting, eating a corndog and up pops an emaciated dog picture:((( I will send a check to your charity if you just give me a heads up.

16. Dogs, kitties, babies, dancing old people, toes in the sand, weddings, vacations, sports, awkward family photos, People of Walmart = good in my book.

17. "Likes" competition...you know you do it. "Ha! My child got 72 likes and yours only got 68"...sad.

18. Pinterest...I have craft envy but I am entirely too lazy to figure out how to join, pin, participate...whatever you call it!

19. This is sort of in the same category as one upping but more macabre...if you have some insider information that something bad has happened to someone, don't spill it until you determine whether or not loved ones have been informed. We all like to have a scoop but family members shouldn't find out that Peepaw died via Facebook.

20. Checking in. If your daily check in looks like this: Egg McMuffin at Micky D's, Whopper Jr.and fries at Burger King, hot dog all the way at Cookout...you are eating too much fast food AND you need to find more interesting places to visit. Unless you are a franchise owner and you are trying to get higher Google ratings, in which case, carry on.

21. Busy and bored. It was pointed out to me that if you have time to post that you are "too busy", you can't be all that busy. That doesn't bother me as much as "bored". If you post that you are bored you deserve to have every head of every nonprofit in your area send you a message asking you to work on a fundraiser. If you say no you best never post you are bored again.

22. Snopes.com...use it people!! "The definitive source for urban legends, folklore, myths, rumors, and misinformation". Especially you Facebook newbies...you'll run across some intriguing story that you can't wait to repost, not realizing it was debunked about 5 years ago, makes the rounds regularly and probably infects your, and all your friends computers with a freaking virus that will make you go impotent and your computer explode...see, that's the kind of misinformation I was talking about.

23. Conspiracy theories...love 'em. Very entertaining stuff. Don't enjoy the arguments however, that inevitably ensue when some idiot takes offense to the FACT that a tribe of Amazonian women have been recruited and trained by the US Government to infiltrate the headquarters of the New World Order to prepare for the upcoming alien invasion, or some such thing.

24. Outlaw all athletic updates..."Just completed my daily 40 mile run and feeling so energized...think I'll get on the old mountain bike and do the entire Appalachian Trail"!! You people seriously make me feel fat and lazy...I'd come whip your a** but I'm too tired.

25. Music posts...nothing better than scrolling down the feed and coming across old Bob Seger concert footage. Or Def Leppard, or Ronnie James Dio, or whomever you love:)

26. Remodeling/decorating posts...I'm a fan even though it makes me feel horribly inadequate and only inspires me to immediately put a for sale sign in the yard.

27. I forgot to mention that all these "rules" pretty much only apply to women. If you look at a man's posts they are almost entirely sports related, except for the ones WE put on there...you know, like pictures of their children doing something brilliant or memes that basically call them inconsiderate slobs. I'd be willing to bet big money that 96% of the posts on my husband's wall are somehow related to the Carolina/Duke rivalry.Which brings us to...

28. Rivalry...Carolina/Duke is kind of like Obama/Various Republicans. No one is going to change anyone's mind about the other, ever. Give up! My husband will never suddenly say "Oh my, I now see the error of my ways, based on your long running diatribe against the Tarheels...I will now root for Coach Krzyzewski's boys".

29. Debbie Downers. You're feeling chipper so you post something like "What a gorgeous day...matter of fact, it's the best day ever" and somebody chimes in "Well, you better enjoy it because tomorrow it's going to be 32 degrees, raining, with volleyball sized hail"... or "Enjoy your nice day cause we're all going to pay for this mild winter with the bugs come Spring"...or "I'm glad you like it, makes my allergies flare up something fierce". Wah wah waaaah!!!

30. Stealth posters...you are having a conversation with friends, maybe talking about how you might have had a little too much wine the night before when some stranger pops in with a hangover cure. Who is this person? Are they even my friend? Wait...I know them, and I actually don't really like them, I think. We all have those friends that rarely post but will pop up from time to time and make you realize you might be getting stalked. What's even worse is when they "like" a picture of you that was buried deep in your photo archives so you know they are looking back through your albums. And they don't pick a good picture to like, oh no, they find the worst one out of the 10,000 so it will reappear on your feed for all to enjoy yet again cause you forgot to untag or delete it!!!

31. One word posts..."Pissed!", "Hopeful", "Jerks!", etc. Do tell? This is like obscure vanity plates. I want to hit your car hard from behind if I can't figure out what "HT4MCLVN" means, and I feel the same about one word posts.

32. "Liking" and "Sharing" pictures of items like boots, clothing and jewelry in order to enter contests. Has anyone I know EVER won any of these lovely things, cause some dang body better win those boots that I see 100 times a day, or that monogram necklace or that pretty summer dress!

33. Daily Bible verses....I'm a fan, and you should be too because for some of us, cough cough, it might be our only Bible reading that gets done that day. I will go so far as to say that on more than one occasion, the course of my day has been changed for the better simply by reading a verse.

34. I say this with love in my heart...Libertarians are relentless. They post 100 times a day...and no kitties or puppies in sight. I would never disagree with one because they are too knowledgeable, just ask 'em.

35. There is no 35 because I'm just that ornery.

Thank you for being the guest blogger today, Susan!!  I agree 99%!! ~Colette

 

Lesson #15,118-Undercover Boss At My House?

Okay, so last night I was watching the TV show "Undercover Boss".  If you've never seen it before, it is about the big boss of a company going into the trenches of his business, undercover and seeing how the little people really do their jobs.  Actually, this show is genius.  I think if you own a restaurant chain, you should know what goes on your sandwiches or if you run a hotel, you should know if the front desk software is too slow.  So I started thinking about it.  What if someone came in, undercover, and watched me do my job?  What would they say to me when they called me into the office?  I'm pretty sure the CEO would fire me.  Apparently, it is frowned upon to wear pajamas all day.  It is frowned upon to take a nap on the job.  It is frowned upon to take personal phone calls on the job.  It is frowned upon to check Facebook every 30 minutes.  It is frowned upon to talk back to the boss!  It is also frowned upon to sleep with the boss!!!!!  Since I am a stay-at-home Mom, I sleep with the boss!
 
I probably take too many breaks.  I probably take a longer lunch than I should.  I am easily sidetracked.  I'm kind of like the dog who sees the squirrel when I am supposed to be doing something else.  Remember the commercials on TV that said "This is your brain.  This is your brain on drugs.  Any questions?"  Well, This is your brain on ADD.  "Hmm.  I think I will load the dishwasher. Oh but there are still dishes in the washer.  Ugh the sink needs cleaning.  The dish towels need washing.  Well, if I am going to wash the dish towels I may as well wash the bath towels too.  The sheets need washing today.  Eww.  Look at the floor in the kitchen.  Wow, the dining room table is dusty!!  The cat needs to go out.  Oh look!!  There is a cobweb in the corner. I think I will just take a nap instead.  Oh but I need to check Facebook before I take my nap."  True story!!

The BOSS would not be happy!!!  I would get called into the office and given my walking papers.  I would not be one of those employees who were given a promotion.  I would not be given money or a vacation.  I would not be told what a special employee I am.  Well, maybe Abbey would think I am special because I am the only one who can keep up with her rigorous nap schedule.  Abbey is my cat.  She sleeps 18 hours a day, like humans should!! 

Lesson #15,117-Some Men Should Just Buy a Dog

Okay, so we all know that dogs have always been "Man's Best Friend" and we all know that some men are just dogs themselves!  I think some men should never get married and just buy a dog.  Why??



~Dogs don't care if you stay out all night.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you go to Poker Night every week.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you have more than one dog.  If you have 2 dogs, they are both happy to see you when you get home.



~Dogs don't want to talk about your "feelings".  You can just pat their head or rub their belly and they are happy.

~Dogs don't pout for days or get their feelings hurt.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you leave piles of clothes on the floor.  They will just make a bed out of it.  They will love you for it!!




~When a dog wants affection, he or she will jump on the couch and nudge you.  They don't care how long the affection lasts.  If it is 2 minutes, that's okay and if it's 2 hours that's okay too!

~If you just want to take a nap, that's just fine with your dog!!  They are happy to accompany you.



~Your dogs' parents don't pop in unexpectedly, eat your food and complain about how dirty your house is.

~Dogs don't get mad if you have lipstick on your collar.  In fact, your dog will be so happy to see you that they probably won't even notice!

~Dogs don't care if you are late getting home from work.  The later you are the happier they are to see you.



~If you own a dog and you are married, lock your dog and your wife in a closet for an hour.  Then see who is happy to see you when you open the door.  I bet it's your dog!!

~Dogs don't mind being led by a leash.  Pulled left.  Pulled right.  If you try this on your wife, she will call you a freak, roll her eyes and call her friend to talk about you.



~If you forget your dog's birthday, no worries!!

~Dogs don't care if you are intelligent or not.  The dumber the better!!






~Dogs keep all of your secrets.  No matter what, they aren't talking!!

~Dogs don't care if you get a beer belly.  It just makes for a better pillow!!

~Dogs don't care if you fart.  As a matter of fact, dogs find the scent interesting.  Same thing with a burp!



~If you scream at your dog, he or she won't burn your clothes on the front lawn.

~If your dog leaves, he or she won't take half of your stuff!!

Lesson #15,116-Burned Biscuits

Okay, so I didn't write this myself but I am going to share it with you all because it is such a wonderful story.

Here Goes:

Burned Biscuits - A lesson we all should learn.

When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed!
All my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that ugly burned biscuit. He ate every bite of that thing...never made a face nor uttered a word about it!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said, "Honey, I love burned biscuits every now and then."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Mom put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides--a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!"
As I've grown older, I've thought about that many times. Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people.
I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today...that you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket--keep it in your own."
So, please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine.
And PLEASE pass this along to someone who has enriched your life--I just did!
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
"Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil--it has no point"

Written by Jan W. Nahorski.

Lesson #15,115-Colonoscopy 101

Warning:  If you hate potty humor then this blog is not for you.

Okay, so tomorrow I get to have a colonoscopy.  I am so excited!!!!!~Said Nobody EVER!!  (Unless you are a freak!)  So, I get to have this wonderful procedure every freaking year!!  Since I was blessed with Crohn's Disease, I am the expert in colonoscopies!! Some people will scare the shit out of you when you hear them talk about it so I am going to be perfectly honest with you.  I have had over 15 of these so I can be believed!!

The GI nurse has probably never had one so her explanation is probably made up on the spot.  She works in the office not in the day surgery center or endoscopy department so she has no idea!

First of all prepare 2 days in advance.  Buy sherbert, Gatorade, juices and baby wipes.  Just trust me on the baby wipes!!  Also, pick up your prep 2 days before and not on the day that you are supposed to do the prep.

Next:  Mix the GoLytely.  This shizz is named GoLytely.  It is a marketing technique to fool only first timers.  Colonoscopy virgins will be fooled by the name GoLytely but anyone who has had this prep before knows that the name should be GoHeavily!! You drink a little.  You think "Hmm. This isn't so bad."  Then you drink a little more and it begins to taste a little salty.  You drink a little more and you feel like you are drinking salt water.  You drink a little more and you are sure that it is rock salt in your throat and you begin heaving and then the tummy begins to roll.  Is it possible to poop and vomit at the same time?  YES!!!  I have done it!!!  The tummy rolls and rolls and rolls.  You poop and poop and poop.  Then you begin what sounds like and feels like urination out of your nether regions.  By now, your behind is red and on fire.  You will not be able to stand toilet paper touching your hiney so baby wipes will not only feel good on the back end but will also put out that fire!!  This will go on for hours.  If you are smart, you will put on a T-shirt and underwear and stay near the potty.  Have your spouse sleep in the guest room!!  You will go and go and go.  If this is not your first colonoscopy, there will be food from last year that exits your colon.  If this is your first, you will finally find your favorite marble from childhood or that dime your parents were afraid you swallowed when you were 2. THERE IT IS!!! A 1972 dime!!

Next:  You get to drive to the hospital or surgery center or wherever you are having your procedure done.  Praying that your ass gate doesn't reopen before you get there.  So, you pull up and check in and rush to the bathroom because you are sure you have to go again only to find out that you just had a tiny fart to let out and it wasn't even stinky so you could have done it in the waiting room.  Dammit!!  Then they call you back to get ready for the procedure.  They start out by asking you the exact same questions that you just answered on the 43 pages that you just filled out.  What is your name? Date of Birth? What are you here for? Do you have any drug allergies? (Hell no.  Give me the good stuff!!!)  They take your vital signs.  If you have never had this done before, your blood pressure and pulse are way too high!  If you have done this before, you're good.  Then she tells you to take off your undies and put on this gown.  This is the gown with no back door.  No undies and no back door.  You can, however leave on your socks!!  My doctor even lets you keep on your bra.  Honey, I am keeping on whatever I can keep on!!!  If I can keep on my cowl neck sweater, I am!!!!  She comes back after I am naked from the waist down and starts the IV.  Now that is the worst part of your day!!  Trust me on this.

Next:  They wheel you into one of the rooms.  The lights are low.  There is a monitor on the left side of the bed and if you have the nerve you will see the scope hanging to the right of you.  Don't look at how long it is.  Why?  Just don't.  Then the nurse comes over and asks you to lay on your left side.  "Umm, Nurse, I'm not asleep yet!!"  "I know, dear, we are just putting you in the position of violation".  "Oh, okay".  Then you hear harps and violins and the most angelic person that you have ever seen walks in the room and you swear that person is an angel!!!  The anesthesiologist!!!  Followed by your GI doctor.  "Hi Dr.____, and who is your friend?"  "Hi, I am Dr.____, the anesthesiologist.  I will be administering the medicine to put you to sleep" and you are in love with this person immediately!! (Man or woman!!)  Then your GI doctor, who you love, touches you on your hip and you sit straight up in the bed and scream "I AM NOT ASLEEP YET, DOC!!!!"  He says, "Yes, I know.  I was just going to tell you that we were about to get started and that I would see you in recovery."  "Oh, sorry, Doc and thank you!!"  Then they start to push the good stuff and................................................................................................................Zzzzzz.

Then:  You wake up and it's over!! You get to sleep the rest of the day and not cook dinner and not drive anyone to soccer practice.  The procedure wasn't that bad!!!!!  The prep sucks but the procedure wasn't that bad!!!!  Then the farting begins.  They have pumped you so full of air that you fart and fart and fart.  You don't care who hears it either!!

And that, my dears, is the truth about a colonoscopy!!

Now, Listen to me.  Go and get your colonoscopy when your doctor suggests it.  Do not put it off.  Just do it!!!  Honestly, if you can live through the prep, you have nothing to worry about!!!!  I do it every year so I am the expert!!!!!  JUST DO IT!!!!!

Lesson #15,114-How Many Kids Is Enough??

Okay, so please forgive me for not writing a blog on Friday.  I was in a pissy mood and all I would have done was bitch about something.  Imagine that! 

Okay, so I saw this chart on Facebook.  It made me laugh but then it made me think about how many kids is too many?  Here is the chart:





No matter how many children you have it is either not enough or too many.  I have an only child.  Not necessarily by choice but I was sick for 4 years after having him so we decided not to have any more and guess what?  That is just fine with me!!!  In keeping with the theme of being sick for 4 years, WE STOPPED HAVING KIDS!!!! "No" he isn't lonely.  "No" he doesn't need a playmate, he has neighbors and friends!! "Yes" he can entertain himself.  "Yes" having one child does make you a parent!!! Someone actually said to me that "you aren't really a parent unless you have more than one child"!!  Umm.  I can show you my damn C-section scar, my stretch marks and my extra skin on my belly to prove to you that I am a parent with just one kid!!! (Dumbass!!)

Seriously, why do other people make it their damn business how many children you and your spouse should have?  I mean, if you aren't living off the government or someone else, it really is nobody's business how many children you have.  If you have 18 children and can afford them, good for you!!  The Duggar Family catches a lot of flack about how many children they have but the children seem happy and they can afford them all so it's nobody's business.  Right?  You can have one child and spend more time with that one child than a person with seven children can spend with all of seven combined.  Or you could have seven children and be a very attentive mother and be more organized and giving than a person with one child.  Right?  You could have two children and need a full time nanny!!  Being a parent isn't about how many children you have!! (Quantity)  Being a parent is about quality.  Don't let others raise your children, no matter how many you have and don't think that someone who has one child isn't as much of a parent as you are if you have more than one!!

Now, How many kids IS too many??  I think it is totally up to the individual Mom and Dad.  Carefully consider your options before you have even one!!!
 

Lesson #15,113-Valentine's Day

Okay, so today is Valentine's Day.  Whoop dee frickin' do!  After 20 years together, it is just another day.  I know that I won't be getting a little blue box with a white ribbon.  I know I won't be getting a pair of Christian Louboutin's.  I know I won't be getting a Chanel bag.  I know I won't be getting a sable coat.  I really don't care if I get flowers anymore.  When I am a stay-at-home mom, there's nobody here to rub them in their faces!!!!  The cats don't care if I get flowers.  Actually, they do enjoy chewing the leaves off of them!  When I worked and had an office full of women, I could say "Look what my hubby sent.  Oh, your hubby didn't send you any?  That's too bad. But aren't mine pretty?"  So, now it's no fun!!  There will be no love letters or poetry! Not that there ever was anyway!!  No boxes of chocolate either.  Who cares?

Maybe we will change it up this year.  I think that in lieu of a Valentine, we should make fun of the day by sending each other pictures of Grumpy Cat and telling each other why we don't hate one another.  "Honey, I don't hate you because you pay my Visa bill every month!"  "Darling, I don't hate you because you put your clothes in the clothes hamper yesterday!"  "Sweetheart, I don't hate you because you let me order pizza 3 nights in a row!"  "Babe, I don't hate you because you washed the Cadillac this past weekend."  "Lovie, I don't hate you because you let me sleep until 10:00 on Saturday and fixed your own breakfast!"

Maybe we should send Valentines to our exes and thank them for breaking up with us.  "Thank you, ex, for breaking up with me because I would be living in a single-wide out in the country, hoping to someday be able to pay our rent on time and dreaming of being able to have a keg of beer at our next party."  "Thank you, ex, for breaking up with me because having 7 children and driving a 4-wheel drive truck isn't really my dream."  "Thank you, ex, for breaking up with me because going out to dinner at Hardee's isn't really going out to dinner."  My palate has refined over the past 20 years!!  I no longer drink wine coolers.  I no longer smoke Marlboro Reds.  I no longer think Myrtle Beach is a vacation destination.  Yep, I'm fancy now!!  I want an umbrella in my drink!!

To all of my readers, I hope your Valentine's Day dreams come true.  Just don't count on it!!  Don't expect much and you'll never be disappointed.  If you have been married for a long time to the same man and haven't been abused in any way, live a pretty good life, he isn't crazy, he treats you with love and respect, he lets you order pizza and wear your pajamas all day if you want to, then thank God for your Valentine!!  He's a keeper!!  If he rubs your leg even when you haven't shaved, he's a keeper!!  If he could care less if you have had a pedicure or not, he's a keeper!  If he still loves you even with stretch marks and a fat stomach or butt and a chicken neck, he's a keeper!!  True love goes through many phases.  If at the end, you can still stand to hear each other breathe, you have found your match!


If you don't have a sweetheart, don't lose hope!!  The chocolate will be 1/2 price tomorrow at the grocery store!!!

Lesson #15,112-I'm Giving It Up For Lent

Okay, so what are y'all giving up for Lent?  Luckily, I am Baptist and we don't usually give stuff up for Lent but some of us do.  I think I will give up Diet sodas.  I don't drink them anyway so that won't be hard.  You can look at me and tell that I don't drink "diet" anything! 

I think I will also give up running.  I hate running anyway.  Like I always say, "If you see me running, you had better run too. Something is chasing me".  Maybe exercise?  No, Jill would not like that!! (Jill, my trainer.)

Some people give up chocolate up for Lent.  I can't do that.  Who am I kidding?  Maybe I will give up Facebook, like so many of my friends do.  Hahaha!! I see y'all cheating!!  Nope, Can't give up Facebook, either.

Maybe I should give up something that would be easier to give up, like partying all night.  I never party all night so that would be easy to give up. 

Maybe I will give up cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, driving carpool, etc.  Then we all would be hungry, dirty, hungry and stuck at home.

So, what is something that you are giving up?  Like I said earlier, I'm Baptist so we don't really do the giving up thing but I think it is a good thing if you do it!!