Lesson #15,114-How Many Kids Is Enough??

Okay, so please forgive me for not writing a blog on Friday.  I was in a pissy mood and all I would have done was bitch about something.  Imagine that! 

Okay, so I saw this chart on Facebook.  It made me laugh but then it made me think about how many kids is too many?  Here is the chart:





No matter how many children you have it is either not enough or too many.  I have an only child.  Not necessarily by choice but I was sick for 4 years after having him so we decided not to have any more and guess what?  That is just fine with me!!!  In keeping with the theme of being sick for 4 years, WE STOPPED HAVING KIDS!!!! "No" he isn't lonely.  "No" he doesn't need a playmate, he has neighbors and friends!! "Yes" he can entertain himself.  "Yes" having one child does make you a parent!!! Someone actually said to me that "you aren't really a parent unless you have more than one child"!!  Umm.  I can show you my damn C-section scar, my stretch marks and my extra skin on my belly to prove to you that I am a parent with just one kid!!! (Dumbass!!)

Seriously, why do other people make it their damn business how many children you and your spouse should have?  I mean, if you aren't living off the government or someone else, it really is nobody's business how many children you have.  If you have 18 children and can afford them, good for you!!  The Duggar Family catches a lot of flack about how many children they have but the children seem happy and they can afford them all so it's nobody's business.  Right?  You can have one child and spend more time with that one child than a person with seven children can spend with all of seven combined.  Or you could have seven children and be a very attentive mother and be more organized and giving than a person with one child.  Right?  You could have two children and need a full time nanny!!  Being a parent isn't about how many children you have!! (Quantity)  Being a parent is about quality.  Don't let others raise your children, no matter how many you have and don't think that someone who has one child isn't as much of a parent as you are if you have more than one!!

Now, How many kids IS too many??  I think it is totally up to the individual Mom and Dad.  Carefully consider your options before you have even one!!!
 

Lesson #15,091-Annoying Things In Life

Okay, so don't get me wrong.  There are so many amazingly wonderful things in life to enjoy like a bright sunny day at the beach, having a picnic in your backyard, building a campfire and roasting marshmallows and swimming in your next door neighbors pool when they are out of town.  Oops!!  Those are some of the fun things in life!!  These are some of the annoying things that I would like to do away with:

1.  The alarm clock!  Do they not make one alarm clock that won't annoy me first thing in the morning?  I absolutely hate the alarms and if I set it to music then I will hate the song that wakes me up forever!!  If I see that little Justin Bieber today, I am gonna punch him in the throat.  (I'm just kidding.  Don't let any 10-14 year old girls see this!!)

2.  Taking a shower!  Why do we have to shower every day?  It is a total waste of valuable time.  You just have to do it again tomorrow.  Plus it adds to the laundry pile!  Let's all go on a shower strike!!

3.  Potty breaks!!  What a waste of time!!  I put it in to stay in!  Why do I drink water only to have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes?  I am trying to stay hydrated and I keep dehydrating myself by peeing!!  Annoying, right?

4.  Dishes!  Dishes are a complete waste of time.  Let's do away with plates and cups and drink in disposable ones so we can have more time with family and friends!  Oh.  The environment!!  Let's use those recyclable plates and cups!!  (Don't wanna make the environmentalists angry!!)

5.  Traffic!!  Oh.  My.  Word.  What a waste of time!  If you live here in Union County, NC, you know what a pain traffic is and what a complete waste of time!!  I am so tired of it taking me 30 minutes to go 2.2 miles and back!!

6.  Sweeping, mopping and vacuuming.  Another complete waste of time.  We walk on the floors so, naturally, these are where the dirt ends up.  I swear to you that five minutes after my floors are clean, there will be a troop of boys stomping through the house.  I understand that if I don't clean the floors that it will look really bad but I swear that if I clean the floors one more time and a little boy stomps grass and dirt into my kitchen again, I'm gonna pop him up side the head!!  (To those of you who read my blog and don't know what being "Popped up side one's head" means, it is not a term of endearment.  It is literally a slap on the side of one's head.)

7, 8, 9, and 10.  Laundry.  Need I say more?  Why are towels in my laundry basket?  You are clean when you get out of the shower, right?  You are just drying yourself off, right?  Hang the darn towel up and use it again, fool!!  Okay, I see why we need to launder our undies often but come on!!  You can wear that "Hand wash Only" sweater more than once.  (More like 54 times before I am gonna hand wash it!!)   You know that you don't hand wash your "Hand Wash Only" sweater every time you wear it either!! 

I love this idea of a chore list for children.  Would it be too much for me to have my one child do all of the annoying things around the house?  I mean, just the laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dishes and waking ME up in the morning.  That's not too much is it?? 

Lesson #15,090-Crafts!! UGH!!

Okay, so we all have looked on Pinterest and thought, "Hey, I can do that!!"  We all have those crafty friends who are always making these cool creations that look fabulous and they always say that it is "so easy".  I've gotta call bull crap on that!!  I can't do origami.  I can't make a wreath.  I can't decorate my mantle at Christmas and make it look like a picture in Southern Living. I can't crochet. I cannot make a shirt into a skirt. If I want a skirt I go to TJ Maxx and buy one!! I can't bedazzle.  I absolutely cannot decorate a cake.  My Mom could bake a cake and decorate it like a professional.  Mine looks more like a crooked lump with cake mixed in the icing.  Trust me, People, pink icing with cake bits mixed in it may taste good but it looks horrible.

The next time that you try one of those crafts that are so "easy" you can pin it on Pinterest and see that there are other people who have worse creations than you made.  You just post your picture beside a picture of what it is supposed to look like and add "Nailed It" and make us laugh!!  Don't beat yourself up if you are not crafty.  Everyone has talents.  Being crafty is not one of mine.  Check out these fails!!

Lesson #15,085-What's Up With RUDE People?

Why are people so rude nowadays?  Really?  At the grocery store, the teenager bagging my groceries is talking to the cashier about how he can't wait to get out of here.  RUDE!!  Well, why not just clock out now and get out?  Oh, you need the money?  Then why don't you just bag my groceries and shut up? 
(If you don't know who this is, go to YouTube and look up Bon Qui Qui.)

It doesn't get any better when you go into a high end boutique. These sales clerks act like you are bothering them if you ask them a question or want to try on a piece of clothing or shoes.  I mean, if I am going to possibly buy something and you get paid on commission then you should be very happy to help me.  You should even make suggestions as to what would look good on me, even if you are full of crap! You are working in retail.  You have no reason to be RUDE!!  I have walked out of a boutique when the clerk proceeded to tell me how to look through the clothing on the rack.  I mean, if I cannot file through the stuff that I don't want, to look at the stuff that I might want, then it is probably too delicate to go into my disaster of a closet!!  She actually stood there watching me filing through the clothing on the rack and told me 3 different times how I was doing it wrong!!  I am a professional shopper!! I know how to look at the damn clothes!!  Hello!!  I may have told her what she could do with her clothes on the way out the store and we had a teen girl with us.  I felt bad but that lady was so RUDE, I wouldn't have bought a bottled water from her if it were 130 degrees outside and I was dying of thirst!!

I really hate walking in a store like CVS and putting my 2 items on the counter and the clerk just keeps doing what he or she is doing like I am not standing there.  Why are you ignoring me when I know that you see me standing here?  Sometimes they will even turn and say, "I will be right with you" and they keep putting boxes on the shelf.  Umm. That can wait.  I'm in a hurry!  I've got to get to carpool!  I've got to get home!  I've got to pee!  Anything!!!  Just come over here and do your job!!  RUDE!!

You know that you have had rude sales people before.  We all have.  I just wonder if rudeness is getting worse.  Maybe it is because of technology.  So many people are growing up without people skills because of email and texting.  You no longer have to speak to people face to face.  Social Media may also have something to do with it.  So many people put everything out there for everyone to see.  If you are arguing with your cousin, mother-in-law or even your spouse, you don't need to tell everyone that you are "Friends" with on Facebook or Twitter.  When you have 800 "Friends" on Social Media, it probably isn't a good idea to "Share" everything that is going on with your life.  Buy a journal and write about it all day long.  You can burn the journal but you cannot ever take away what you write on the Internet and it is rude to share that stuff online.  Your opinion is the only one that gets shared.  RUDE!!

It is rude to go to lunch with someone and talk on your phone the entire time or text.  If you are talking to someone and your phone rings, look to see if it is someone who you can call back.  If so, call them back later or even ask if you can call them back and hang up as soon as possible.  We may see our kids texting at the dinner table and we have to stop them from doing it so we shouldn't do it either. Also, when standing in line at Starbucks, please don't talk on your phone LOUDLY.  Nobody cares what you did this past weekend.  Unless you are a doctor and you are shouting orders to someone to help save a life, it is not necessary to speak on your mobile phone loudly!!  Let's all agree to stop taking these people being rude to us and we all need to be able to speak up.  There is never a time when being rude is acceptable except for a time when you are being rude to.  No more rudeness!! It's RUDE!!!

Lesson #15,070-The Many 1sts Once You Become A Mom

Once you become a mom, you have many "firsts".  I am not talking about first birthdays or first steps or first teeth.  Those are the easy firsts.  I am talking real firsts!  Here are some of my "1st's" once I became a Mom:  I bet you have never before had someone else vomit down the front of your shirt and into your cleavage, sometimes soaking your bra to the point that it could be wrung out with your hands. That being said, the FIRST time you smell that vomit will be another milestone 1st!!

I bet you have never had someone else's pee shot into your eyes, nose and mouth.  (If you have, then you are one of those freaks!!) This one, though, you will laugh about!!  No, really, you will.  Not at that moment but you will some time later.

Another 1st is having to take care of something and keep it alive on 2.2 hours of sleep.  (And that is not consecutive sleep. That is total sleep.) You wonder if that little bundle of joy will ever sleep.  How could it sleep so soundly and wake up so angry?  What made it so full of rage when 20 seconds ago it was the most beautiful, peaceful sight that you have ever beholden in your entire life?  You even wonder how lungs so small could be so strong.  Could this kid be the next Michael Phelps?  He's definitely got swimmer's lungs!!

The first time you try and figure out a car seat.  What the Hell?  For all of us adults we just have one strap and we weigh 120 pounds (wink, wink) more than this little critter.  Why are they in four point harnesses?  I mean, are they a mental patient or a baby, for goodness sake?

The first time that precious baby poops more than you do and it goes completely out of the diaper, running down the baby's legs and up his back, all the way up to his hairline. But??? How??? The poop is literally bigger than the baby.  You have to look around to see if Ashton Kutcher has Punk'd you because you know it has to be a joke.  Then you get to figure out how to change the baby.  Should I just clean the baby with wipes or put him in the baby bath tub?  The answer is always the baby bath tub.  Don't bother trying the wipes.  Just trust me on this one!!

The first time you try to leave the house with the baby.  By the time you get all of the gear that you will need or could possibly need packed, you will have missed whatever you were going to.  The baby bag will need diapers, wipes, a changing pad, a couple of bottles, pacifier, a toy, blanket, a hat, a change of clothes or 2, bibs, teething ring, gum ointment, gas drops, Tylenol for infants, Motrin for infants, the nose sucker thingy, a syringe, ear plugs (for the husband), nose plugs (also for the husband), disposable gloves (again for the husband) and a burp cloth.  Then you have to get your purse, keys, the baby carrier, stroller...Yeah, never mind.  I told you it would be over before you left the house the first time!!!!  We missed church several times before we got it right!! And that was on 2.2 hours of sleep.

But then there is the first that makes it all worthwhile.  The first time that you have ever felt this way about any other living being.  I mean, yes, you loved your parents, your siblings, your spouse, etc. but you have never, ever felt so much love for something.  I try to explain the love that you have for your child to a person who doesn't have kids yet but all I can say is this.  It is a love that fills your entire heart.  You can actually feel it growing the moment that you look at that baby for the first time.  You know that you love the baby while it is still inside your stomach but once that baby is out and you see that precious baby, you know that you would die for that tiny baby right then and there. It really is like your heart being outside of your body from then on.

Lesson #15,067-Carpool Baby!!

Yep!! Carpool.  It can be a blessing and a curse.  It saves time, money, gas, the environment, traffic congestion and frees up time for everyone who carpools.  It is the best thing ever when it is not your day or time to drive!!  If you have a usual carpool for school then someone either drives every day for a week, drives every morning or afternoon or you have some other schedule that works for everyone.  A carpool has to be fair to everyone.  For after school activities, usually one mom or dad will drop off the kids at the activity and another mom or dad will pick up.  This frees up some time for everyone. 

I tell you what.  I have gotten to know some kids and some good middle school gossip driving carpool.  If it is my usual school carpool.  The mornings are pretty quiet because the kids are still half asleep.  If it is afternoon, I get to hear what happened at school all day.  I can usually tell you who got in trouble, who had silent lunch, who broke up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and all other middle school drama.  Well, all of the drama that middle school boys are aware of.  They are pretty clueless about drama but sometimes they catch the tail end of a conversation about something going on and can give you the play by play.  But driving the soccer team to practice or picking them up from practice, WOW!! Driving Mama gets an education!!  Sometimes Driving Mama has to do the educating.  This DM got an education about how young middle school boys are when they start having "boners".  Yes, one of the boys that I had just picked up from soccer practice said, "I've got a boner!"  I mean, what do you say to that?  Yep, SILENCE.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am rarely speechless but all you heard were crickets chirping. 

When there is the carpool feud  you have to hear, "Mom, I don't want to carpool with Leonard anymore!!"  "I hate him!!"  "He is so mean."  That is a big ole con to the carpool.  Another con is if you are the one to have to pick up kids from anything, they will likely not smell as fresh as they did when you dropped them off.  School pick up is not too bad but soccer, basketball, football or any other sport pick up can be very smelly.  I have threatened about 7 different 10-13-year olds within an inch of their lives if they take off their cleats in my car.  KEEP THE SMELL INSIDE THE SHOE UNTIL I GET YOU TO YOUR HOUSE!!  Boys smell like ass and sweat when you pick them up from practice or games so the "shoe on" rule applies in my car.  Now I wish my car had some sort of armpit rule.  I haven't figured out how to keep the armpits from being smelly yet.

Funny story about how smelly my car can be.  I had 4 smelly boys in my car and was dropping off the first one at his house.  His dad was out in the yard and came over to the car to say hello.  He came over to the passenger side of my car and stuck his head in the window and said "Hello" and then took a breath and abruptly removed his head from the window.  He then began questioning who was the stinky one and what had died in his shoes.  Honestly, I could not pinpoint who was the stinkiest!! Everyone got a shower before bed that night, I am sure of that!!

Anyway, there are more pros than cons to carpooling so I'm gonna keep doing it.  I just hope that I don't get educated or have to give education to any more little boys about subjects that would make their daddies blush!!  I have explained more than I care to list here in not-so-medically-appropriate terms to a carload of boys who asked me questions that they did not want to ask their parents.  Look, if you are crazy enough to allow your child to carpool with me, your child is going to be exposed to bad words and will have their questions answered unless I have no idea about what they are talking about.  I will set them straight about things that they are wrong about.  I will scream at them if they are too loud or being obnoxious little whiny butts.  Oh and I call it like I see it. If you don't like it, find someone else to carpool with.  I probably don't want your Rugrat riding along anyway!!

Go Green-Carpool!!