Lesson #15,144-IT'S MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND PEOPLE!!!!

Okay, so it is Mother's Day Weekend!!  YES, WEEKEND!!  Fathers only get Father's Day but Moms get the entire weekend!!  Yes, it is fair!!!  (Unless you are a single father.  Then you get an entire weekend too!!)

So, what do you think your loved ones will give you for Mother's Day?  I am sure that dads and children all over America will be scurrying all day today to find a card and the dads will "allow" the children to pick out a gift for Mom.  Then we get to open the gifts and pretend that the gifts are perfect!!  "Oh, sweetheart, I love this beautiful bunny sweater. I really, really do!"  (UGH)  I have the perfect solution!!  I think I will drag my husband to the mall for the "Perfect" gift for me!!  I will pretend that I want to go with them!!  Genius, right?  Actually, I am just making sure my gift this year doesn't come from CVS off the "As Seen On TV" aisle!!  Although, I do love that stuff, I just don't want to get any of it for Mother's Day.

So, here's to all of you Mothers out there!! I hope you all have a great weekend!! Maybe even get a nap in!!  Wouldn't that be a great weekend?


Happy Mother's Day!!!

Lesson #15,140-Types of Parents

Okay, so there are 101 types of parents out there but I'm gonna tell you about my favorites.

Helicopter Parents:  Helicopter parents are those who hover over their children.  They want to know everything that is going on in their children's lives.  They want to be a part of everything in their children's lives.  They want to fight their children's battles.  They want their child to be number one at everything.  These parents are really not doing their child any favors.  If we are a part of everything that our children do then they never learn how to cope with situations without our help.  Life doesn't work that way!!  Do I want to go and smack some kid that is mean to my child?  Sure, but I have to let my child learn to take care of himself.

Absentee Parents:  These are parents who think they are doing their children a favor by not being there for them when they do need them.  Sure, they may turn out to be independent adults but they need us for guidance and love while they are children.  Our children do need to be children and need to be able to have open dialogue with us when it comes to some subjects.  If you aren't talking to your child about sex, someone else is.  If you aren't giving your child love and affection, someone else will.  It may be from someone who doesn't care one bit about them either!!  The backseat of some guy's car isn't the place for love to be given.

"My Child is Perfect" Parents:  These are the parents who can "one up" your child's A+, your child's hole in one, your child's 3 point shot, your child's awesome soccer goal, your child's national championship wrestling medal, your child's triple back tuck!!  We all know them.  These parent's have the most perfect children that ever lived.  They make the best grades.  They are the best in sports. They are the most well behaved children.  They are the best looking or most beautiful children that were ever born.  I mean, we all think our child is the best looking and most beautiful children that we have ever seen but that's because they are ours!!  We just don't say it out loud!!!  These parents do!! UGH!! These are the most annoying parents EVER!!

"My Kid is The Worst" Parents:  These are the parents who never have anything positive to say about their children even when they are awesome kids!  Most kids have at least one redeeming quality but to these parents, it's never enough.  "So what if you scored 25 points in the basketball game?  You should have scored 30."  I think these are the most damaging parents.  I know what they are trying to do and that is living vicariously through their children but never telling your child that you are proud of them is damaging.

Angry Parents:  These parents are the ones who stir up more drama than a middle school girl could ever start!  Nothing is ever right with their children's teachers, their friends, their school, their dance instructor, their soccer coach and on and on and on.  These parents just need some Xanax!!  I can't even talk to these people!

Cool Parents:  These are the parents who want to be their children's best friend.  They let their kids talk any ole way to them.  They let their kids do anything they want to do.  The kids tell the parents what they are going to do instead of the other way around.  That is the tail wagging the dog!! I tell my son, all the time, that he has plenty of friends but only 2 parents.  I don't want to be his friend.  I want to be his mom!! That is a hard enough job!  He isn't going to tell me what to do, where we will go and how we should do things.  I drive this bus, Bubby, not you!  Don't get me wrong, I will talk to my son about anything that he wants to talk about but I am going to give him advice from a parent's perspective, not his friends.  No, he will not be allowed to drink in my home.  No, I won't be buying him cigarettes.  No, he will not be having girls up in his room.  When he goes away to college, I can't watch what he does but while he is in my home he will respect my rules.

Over-Protective Parent:  These are the parents that never let their child out of their sight except for school.  They won't let their children go to other people's houses EVER!  They won't let their child ride their bike down the street.  They won't let their children do anything.  This, to me, tells their child that they don't trust them at all and never will.  Kids have to have boundaries, I understand that, but we have to give them a little breathing room and a little privacy.

Okay, so what's a happy medium?  Every child is different.  We all have different parenting styles and philosophies.  I think we just need to give our children love, affection, attention, teach them right from wrong and be good examples for them as adults.  We weren't perfect when we were children so why expect our children to be? (Except for y'all "My Child is Perfect Parents". Y'all already have perfect kids!)  They will make mistakes and bad grades and fail to make a team and not score 30 points but we have to love them and guide them to do their best.  My son studied for a test, not too long ago, and failed the test.  He was afraid to tell me what grade he got.  When he finally told me, I asked if that was the test that he had studied for and he said it was so I told him that if that was the best he could do then that was the best he could do.  I told him that he needed to work harder for the next test and pull up his grade.  He got the highest grade in the class on the next test because he had to work harder and pull up his grade.  I am, by far, not perfect so why expect him to be?  Parenting is a hard job.  Do your best to raise good adults!

Lesson #15,138-Boston & Talking To Our Children

Okay, so by now we all have heard about what happened in Boston.  How do we explain this tragedy to our children? Some things are hard to explain or unexplainable.  This is one of them.  Our children are asking questions like "Who would do that?" and "Why would anyone do that?".  Our children do not understand hate.  They know that they "hate" broccoli or timeouts.  They know that they "hate" homework. They "hate" cleaning their rooms.  They certainly "hate" being sick.  They simply do not understand hating another person because they don't believe in the same things that they do.  That is a learned behavior.  Parents have to teach their children not to hate someone or a group of people for any reason.  We all have to teach Love!!  We have to teach our children that just because other people do not believe in the same things that we can exist together in this world.  But how do we explain what happened in Boston when a child was a victim?  This is my take on it:

1.  We have to sit our children down and tell them what happened if they are old enough to know what happened.  We tell them that something bad has happened and give them only details that they "NEED" to know.  I mean, we don't need to tell a 2-year old about the tragedy.  My son was almost 2-years old when 9/11 happened and he wouldn't have understood what I was trying to tell him.  He learned about it when he got older.

2.  Try not to dwell on it too much so we don't scare them into believing that it could happen to them, even though nobody is truly 100% safe from an attack  We had the news on and were listening to what had happened and after about an hour, my 13-year old son said "I've seen enough.  I need to watch something else".  He is old enough to verbalize his feelings but a 6-year old may not be able to say that they have had enough. 

3.  If your child is old enough for this to bother them, ask if they would like to talk about it.  Do this, especially, if you sense that it is on their mind. 

4.  Reassure them that they are safe and that they will be okay.  We have to comfort them even though we know that hate is all around us.  Don't lie to them and say that it could never happen where you live but do try to help them process what happened offering them comfort and keep your emotions in check.  We all were shocked, upset and angry about what happened but we cannot let our emotions be transferred to our children.

5.  If you believe in God, pray together for the injured and for the families and friends of the people who were killed.  If you choose, pray for the people who did this, that God would soften their hearts.  That they would feel love for their fellow man and not hate.

6.  Show them how the people came together and offered their help.  If you watch the video of the events, you will see police, firemen, paramedics, EMTs, National Guard and regular people coming together to help the injured.  They ran toward the blast, not away from it.  Talk about the heroes in this tragedy.  The men and women who were hurt but helped the people who were injured much worse.  The doctors and nurses in the hospitals who worked overtime to make sure that every patient was taken care of because that was the right thing to do.  Nobody asked the victims if they were democrats or republicans, gay or straight, black or white, young or old.  They simply helped.  During times of tragedy, we come together as Americans and Human Beings.  Compassion was shown and that is an important trait of Americans and Human Beings.  There are more good than evil people in this world, even though we may think otherwise sometimes.  This is a good time to talk about empathy for their fellow man.

As parents, we have a hard job.  Events such as this makes our jobs even harder.  Be patient with your children as they come to you with questions.  Be patient with their emotions.  Remember that we, as parents, do not understand this so our children, certainly, do not. 

Leson #15,136-Spring Break 2013!!!! Wooooo! Hooooo!

Okay, so Spring Break 2013 is but a memory now. And just like every other "break" that the school offers, it was not a "break" for any Mama that I know!!  It was nice to sleep until 8am but trying to entertain children when they are out of school for one week is not easy.  They want to go and do this and that.  They want to eat every 30 minutes.  They want to play ping pong, use the big TV in the living room, get on the computer or go outside whenever they want to.  This means that Mama is gonna have to get off of her usual schedule.  If Mama watches Jerry Springer at 11am and the kid wants to watch SpongeBob, the kid will win this battle.  If the Mama usually blogs at noon and the kid wants the laptop and a PB&J, the kid will win this battle also.  If Mama usually naps at 2pm and the kid wants to play ping pong, the kid will win this battle!! 

Okay, so our Spring Break consisted of driving 6 hours to the Georgia mountains.  Did you know that there were mountains in Georgia?  Well, there are mountains there!!  Cute little mountain towns with cute little stores everywhere. And, of course, those few strange mountain people who you are sure are in the Witness Protection Program or that they escaped from the crazy farm.  Yep.  They were there too. Problem is...the boys we were there with have no volume button and have no filter and just cannot resist saying whatever comes to mind.  Yes.  We were stared at but who cares??  We were Moms on Spring Break with boys!!! We didn't care who saw us, what they heard, when they saw us or how loud they were.

Thank goodness that we had alcohol in the fridge every night!!  Frozen margaritas were on the menu daily!!  A break just isn't ever going to be a break for Mamas.  I see that now!!  So, Mamas, Get ready for summer break!! It's a comin'!!

Lesson #15,123-Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom

Okay, so we live in a 2 parent household.  Why am I the only one who gets summoned?  All I hear is "Mom, I'm hungry.  Mom, I am thirsty.  Mom, have you seen my shoes?  Mom, can you help me with my homework?  Mom, can you come here?  Mom, can my friend come over?  Mom, where is a pencil?  Mom, could you bring me a pencil?  Mom, I'm bored.  Mom, I need a blanket.  Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom."  Some days I feel like that Mom from The Family Guy.

I swear my child will walk right past his dad to ask me a question or he will ask his dad where I am so he can come and find me to ask me to do something for him.  Does this happen to other moms?  I have a feeling it does.  I mean, do our children think their dads are handicapped?  Disabled?  Or maybe unwilling to help?  I have a feeling that our children are afraid to ask their dads to help them.  Moms probably have more patience with children but why not just ask Dad for a pencil?  Seriously, I want to hear "Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad"!!

Anyway, tomorrow night I have a date with my son.  We are going to see Bon Jovi.  I will tell y'all all about it.  This will be his very first concert. I am sure I will hear the word "Mom" about 145 times that night!!  That's okay.  I will take it for one night!

Lesson #15,121-Cleaning Before The Housekeeper Comes

Okay, so my husband thinks I am a crazy person.  I clean my house before the housekeeper comes.  No, I don't mop the floors and dust but I do make the beds, pick up the laundry and toys off of the floor, put the dishes in the dishwasher, put away the hair products and makeup from the bathroom counter and I clean off the tables.  But why?  I mean, the last person to judge me is my housekeeper!  I don't want my housekeeper knowing that I am a slob!!  Why else would I need a housekeeper?  I sure wouldn't need one if I was a clean freak!




Seriously though, my husband thinks I am absolutely insane.  He thinks that I should let the housekeeper clean the crap up off of the floor and make the beds and pick up the laundry etc. I just don't want other people in my house for hours and hours cleaning my messes!  Is that really insane?  They are here to clean, right?  I am paying them to clean, right?  Why do I feel guilty leaving crap on the table?  I have had the same housekeeper for almost 10 years so they are used to coming into a fairly clean house.  What if I started leaving it like I usually do?  I would probably be looking for a new housekeeper because mine is so spoiled!!  They would walk in and be like "What the hell is going on here?  Do we actually have to clean?" 
I suppose if I had to hire another housekeeper I would hire one that does laundry, picks crap up off the floor and changes bed linens.  I want someone who knows how to make beds like The Marriott!!  You better be able to bounce a quarter on that bed!!




I'm insane aren't I??

Lesson #15,120-This Homework Thang

Okay, so this homework thang is really cutting into my watching TV and vegging out time.  I know that I have complained before about how much homework kids have nowadays but this studying for tests, writing papers and doing projects thing is seriously getting out of hand.  I had to miss The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills rerun last night because we had to put together a poster of The Muscular and Skeletal System.  These kids nowadays cannot get away with plagiarism like we could.  I copied word for word from the encyclopedias that we had from 1969 and got away with it when I was in middle school.  These kids today cannot get away with it because the teachers can scan their papers and have the computer check for plagiarism.  Poor kids!!  Poor parents!!!  What a pain in the butt that is!  The teachers at my school had to just guess if we had copied that crap from somewhere else!  If it didn't sound like something that you would write, they would just ask if you copied it out of a book.  We would all be like "Noooooo".

Sometimes I think computers are the greatest thing ever because you can type anything you want into the search engine and you will find tons of information on any subject.  That makes writing an essay, report or term paper very easy.  We used to actually go to the library and find books on a subject, if there was one!!  Now, you can sit in your underwear, in your living room and pull up information on The Cold War, The Great Wall of China or The Branches of Government.  You just better not plagiarize any of it because they have that same computer to check for that!!

I suppose it is a good thing that we don't have to have all of those Encyclopedia Brittanica A-Z's in our living rooms now.  They used to be decoration in our house but now I have leather bound, antique books as decoration.  Some of which are not even written in English but I just thought they were "pretty"!!  I'm such a loser!!  Anyway, life may be easier now but back when I was a kid I could just copy that old information and cut pictures right out of the same encyclopedias to get an A+ on my projects!!  So kiddos, Y'all better get to work on your projects!!  Be sure not to copy ANYTHING word for word!! Hahahaha!!  We may not have had the Internet, cable TV and Xbox but we also didn't have plagiarism software!!!! Who had the better childhood?  BOOM!!

Lesson #15,114-How Many Kids Is Enough??

Okay, so please forgive me for not writing a blog on Friday.  I was in a pissy mood and all I would have done was bitch about something.  Imagine that! 

Okay, so I saw this chart on Facebook.  It made me laugh but then it made me think about how many kids is too many?  Here is the chart:





No matter how many children you have it is either not enough or too many.  I have an only child.  Not necessarily by choice but I was sick for 4 years after having him so we decided not to have any more and guess what?  That is just fine with me!!!  In keeping with the theme of being sick for 4 years, WE STOPPED HAVING KIDS!!!! "No" he isn't lonely.  "No" he doesn't need a playmate, he has neighbors and friends!! "Yes" he can entertain himself.  "Yes" having one child does make you a parent!!! Someone actually said to me that "you aren't really a parent unless you have more than one child"!!  Umm.  I can show you my damn C-section scar, my stretch marks and my extra skin on my belly to prove to you that I am a parent with just one kid!!! (Dumbass!!)

Seriously, why do other people make it their damn business how many children you and your spouse should have?  I mean, if you aren't living off the government or someone else, it really is nobody's business how many children you have.  If you have 18 children and can afford them, good for you!!  The Duggar Family catches a lot of flack about how many children they have but the children seem happy and they can afford them all so it's nobody's business.  Right?  You can have one child and spend more time with that one child than a person with seven children can spend with all of seven combined.  Or you could have seven children and be a very attentive mother and be more organized and giving than a person with one child.  Right?  You could have two children and need a full time nanny!!  Being a parent isn't about how many children you have!! (Quantity)  Being a parent is about quality.  Don't let others raise your children, no matter how many you have and don't think that someone who has one child isn't as much of a parent as you are if you have more than one!!

Now, How many kids IS too many??  I think it is totally up to the individual Mom and Dad.  Carefully consider your options before you have even one!!!
 

Lesson #15,110-Ordinary Days

Okay, so here are a few adjectives to describe some days:  Ordinary.  Monotonous.  Calm.  Boring.  Uneventful.  Blah.  Dull.  Same old thing.  I have realized that these are the best days.  There are also days that are fast-paced, full, busy, crazy and rushed.  These are my least favorite days.  If there isn't room for a short nap in my day then my day is too busy!!  I love the days without anything on my calendar.  If something is written on my calendar, then it has to be done. Sometimes only one thing is written on my calendar and sometimes there are five things on my calendar.  I really hate those days!! I have learned to appreciate ordinary days.



Ordinary, uneventful days are the best.  That means that nothing terrible has happened.  Some days have events that change your life and I am always afraid of change.  I like stability and security and monotony.  Call me boring!! I don't care.  I love ordinary days!!  There are days that hold defining moments in your life.  Some days, you wake up knowing your life will change.  Like your wedding day!!  Some days you wake up and have no idea that your life is about to change.  Sometimes for good and sometimes for bad.  You may wake up and meet the love of your life.  You may wake up and a beloved family member has passed away.  You may wake up and find out that you are pregnant for the first time.  You may wake up and find out that you have a terminal illness.  You may win the lottery.  You just never know what is going to happen.  That is why I have learned to appreciate ordinary days.



Never complain about being bored.  It just means that nothing terrible happened to you today. Monotony is your friend.  I pray that everyone has an ordinary day today.  I pray that everyone in your family has an ordinary day today.  I pray that every one of your friends has an ordinary day.  May we all learn to appreciate ordinary days.

Lesson #15,101-The "Honey Do" List

Okay, so my "Honey Do" List got way too long so I had to Rent-a-Man.  This man came to my house, fixed my ceiling fan, that was about to fall out of the ceiling, my pantry door that sticks, patched the wall in the hall, and the list goes on and on.  Do you know that he never once complained about having to do everything on that list??  If he was rich, good looking, had all of his teeth, didn't smell of cigarettes and had his driver's license, I might just have ran away with him!  But alas, my husband is good looking, has all of his teeth, doesn't smoke, has his driver's license and has enough money for me to stay.  Poor man!! 

The Honey Do List seems to grow longer and longer every year that we are in this house.  Don't get me wrong, I love my house and am so thankful for a nice roof over my head but being in this house for 7 years, stuff needs repairing!!  The walls are looking dingy and are in need of repainting.  Caulking cracks.  Grout gets dirty.  Stuff around the house needs to be done and it is stuff that I don't know how to do and a man with an MBA and a full-time job has no idea how to do so what do we do??  Rent-A-Man!! 

Some day I may even have to Rent-A-Man to build me a shoe closet.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man to put a covering over my back porch.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man to build one of those fire pits with the glass rocks.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man who will just do laundry and dishes!!!  Are there men out there who actually do laundry and dishes?  Oh well.  In the meantime, I will just keep my man since he allowed me to Rent-A-Man!!!

Lesson #15,097-ABC's of Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

Yes, this week we are relearning our ABC's.  Being a Stay-at-Home Mom has it's challenges, as does being a Working Mom!  Whew! I don't know how y'all do it when you work and do everything that we do.  Hopefully, you have help.  You must be much better at time management!!

A is for Appliances-Dishwasher, Washing Machine, Dryer, Refrigerator, Stove, Oven and Crock Pot!!
B is for Balance-Balancing being a Mom, wife, friend, daughter and sister is tough.
C is for Carpool-Driving carpool takes up an hour of my day!!
D is for Dishes-The never ending, bottomless pit that is my kitchen sink!!
E is for Exercise-This is what I get every morning by running up and down the stairs making sure that the backpack is ready, gym clothes are packed, making coffee for the hubby, bringing juice to the kid to get him out of bed and making sure to say goodbye to everyone in the morning.
F is for Folding-Folding all of the blankets and putting them back on the sofas every morning!! (We all like our blankets in the evenings!!)  Folding laundry is my least favorite chore!
G is for "GET UP"!!-Which is what I scream at the teenager every morning!!
H is for "Hold on"-Which is what I have to say to friends when I am on the phone because someone can't find something!!
I is for Inside Out-Which is every piece of clothing that my husband and child wears so I have to turn them the right way on laundry day!! It drives me Insane!!
J is for Juice Box-How one child can drink so many juice boxes is a mystery to me!! They are found everywhere!!
K is for Kitties-All of the kitties need love several times a day.  They can be exhausting!!
L is for Litter Box-All of the aforementioned kitties use it several times a day so I have to clean the darn thing over and over!!
M is for "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom"-I hear it 1,000 times a day!
N is for Nothing-Which is what I feel like I have accomplished every day. (Especially if I take a Nap! Also begins with an N.)
O is for Overtired-Which is what I feel like every day!
P is for Pitiful-Which is what I look like every day! I have all of this time to take a shower, put on clothes, put on makeup and fix my hair and I feel like I never do it!!
Q is for "Quick!!"-Which is what is yelled at me when a spill happens.  "Mom, bring me a towel QUICK!!"
R is for "Really?"-Which is what I say just after I have cleaned up a room and 5 minutes later there are crumbs everywhere!!
S is for Saturday-The day that I look forward to all week.  My one day to sleep in and my husband is a morning person so he gets up EARLY and wants to go and do stuff!!  "Go back to bed, man!!"
T is for Thursday-Why? Because once a month on Thursday night our girlfriend group gets together and has Girls Night Out. Now, it is no longer Girls Gone Wild, but we do get together and talk and laugh and have some fun without any children around!!
U is for Unkempt-Which is my appearance most days!  If you see me with makeup on, consider yourself lucky!
V is for Violin-Which is what you working moms are playing for me right now! Right??
W is for WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING-Nope. I wouldn't change my crazy life for anything!!
X is for X-Rated-Which is my vocabulary when a monkey wrench gets thrown into my day!!
Y is for Yearning-Yearning for a vacation!!
Z is for Zees-Which is what I want to catch right now!! Sleep deprived Mama is tired!!

Lesson #15,096-ABC's of Friendship

Okay, so we all have friends who are awesome and some who don't have as much awesomeness as the others.  Don't email me to see which friend you are!!

A is for Annoying-That friend who is annoying. Only talks about herself, her life, her children, her whatever.
B is for Bitch-That friend who takes offense to EVERYTHING!! You are constantly apologizing for something.
C is for Critic-That friend who complains about everything, everyday, every time you talk to them!
D is for Ding-a-ling-The airhead. Never gets a joke. A joke isn't funny if you have to explain it.
E is for Eccentric-Otherwise known as the weird one.
F is for Fool-That friend who gets "done dirty" by everyone!  Girlfriend, Wake Up!!
G is for the Gossip-That friend who gossips about everyone (UGH) but she better tell me what she knows!!!
H is for Ho-That friend who has slept with 100 men and doesn't care who knows it!! (But you've gotta love her!)
I is for Innocent-That friend who has never drank, smoked, done anything wrong and married her high school sweetheart.
J is for the Jewel-That one friend who you cannot live without!! You tell everything and you trust 100%.
K is for Butt Kisser-That one friend who kisses your butt so she can hang out with you!! I know that I do not look great when you see me at Target without makeup and in my gym clothes!! Shut Up!!
L is for Lush-That one friend who is always drunk!! You have to love her too!!
M is for Martha Stewart Type-That friend who you would like to be like, but you would rather take a nap instead of bake a damn cake on a Wednesday.
N is for Narcotic-Some friends are on too many and some friends need to be on at least one!!
O is for Optimist-That friend who sees the best in people even when they are total jerks!
P is for Pessimist-That friend who thinks everyone is out to get them!
Q is for Quack-This is the one who thinks she's a doctor and diagnoses you with some horrible disease every time you have a sniffle!
R is for Ruin-That friend who ruins your story every time because she has been there and done that bigger and better than anyone ever has!!
S is for Silly-That friend who is silly as crap.  Will say anything at any time and doesn't care who is around.
T is for Tattle Tale-That friend who can't keep her mouth shut and tells everything that you say!!
U is for Ultra motivated-This is the friend who gets up and runs 10 miles, goes to the gym and does a class for 2 hours, goes and plays a game of tennis or golf and then has one leaf of lettuce for lunch. She's probably skinny too. (Bitch)
V is for Vulgar-This is the friend who says way too many curse words. (Umm. That may be me!)
W is for Well-educated-This is that friend who has every graduate degree that is possible to get and her jokes go way over your head and you sit there and laugh anyway. Yep. You've got one too!!
X is for Xerox-You know?? The Xerox copy of someone else. People, be yourself. Not someone else!
Y is for Yawner-This friend is so boring that you have to take a nap before seeing her so you don't snore while she is talking. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Z is for Zero.  This chick is the one who always wants to have lunch with you or go shopping with you and you just have ZERO time to see her.  EVER!!  (And will never have time to see her!! If you are lucky!)

Lucky for me, I am blessed with Jewels!!!

Lesson #15,092-Wonder Woman/Me??

Have you ever thought that you might be Wonder Woman?  Maybe you are.  Maybe I am.  You cannot say that you have ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room so I am Wonder Woman.

So what?  Wonder Woman has that magic lasso.  Wonder Woman has that invisible jet.  Wonder Woman can kick your butt!  I may not have the magic lasso or the invisible jet but I can do 5 loads of laundry and you will never know anything about it.  The magic of laundry happens when you aren't here.  I can do dishes in no time.  You will see them piled up in the sink and *poof* they are gone.  What happened to the dishes?  They are done!!  I can make a bed in 2 minutes flat so you may not see me doing that either.  What is it?  Is it magic?  Yes!  Yes, that's what it is!!  It's magic!!

What do Stay-At-Home Moms do all day?  Well, we get everyone up.  Make sure that everyone has clean clothes to wear today.  We even get up before everyone else so we can be sure that the coffee pot is ready when the hubby wants his morning coffee.  We pack the backpacks of the little munchkins so that they don't leave their homework sitting on the coffee table in the living room. (Again.)  We do this so we don't have to make a second trip to the school.  We drive carpool.  Once the kids are in school we do that magic laundry trick, load the dishwasher and make beds.  We go to the grocery store and put dinner in the crock pot.  We run the errands that the husband has listed for us to do.  Go to the bank, drop off the car to be serviced, pay bills, clean up the cat puke off of the rug, we may go and get a workout done or we may go home and take a nap (don't judge).  We clean up the living room and playroom and take out the trash.  We fold the blanket that is on the couch.  I am positive that I fold that blanket at least 3 times a day!! We see the stains on the carpet and scrub them until our hands are raw. We pick up kids from carpool and take the neighbors home and start on homework.  Serve dinner and chill for a few minutes until bedtime. We usually are the first ones up and the last ones to go to bed.  Going to bed usually goes something like this:  "Goodnight, Honey, I am going to bed."  Then we look in the sink and see a few cups and dishes that need to be put in the dishwasher.  Then we remember that we had a load of towels in the dryer so we go and fold them and put them away.  We get out the PE clothes for the child to wear tomorrow and set out their uniform for school.  We go into the bathroom and find clothing on the floor and pick them up and put them in the clothes hamper (that is exactly 1 inch from the clothing on the floor).  We brush our teeth and wash our face.  We then remember that the bar of soap that is in the shower is too small to wash a human body with so we open a new one and replace it with the itty bitty chip of a bar of soap.  Then we remember that tomorrow is a friend's birthday so we go back downstairs and fill out a birthday card and pop it into the mailbox.  By then we are exhausted and we collapse.  (If we are lucky!!)  Then we wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Again, I am not saying that I am Wonder Woman but someone does all of the stuff around here that wouldn't get done if Wonder Woman didn't exist.  Oh and that whole kicking your butt thing that Wonder Woman does.  Well, let's just say that if you mess with our families, you can consider your butt kicked!!!

Lesson #15,091-Annoying Things In Life

Okay, so don't get me wrong.  There are so many amazingly wonderful things in life to enjoy like a bright sunny day at the beach, having a picnic in your backyard, building a campfire and roasting marshmallows and swimming in your next door neighbors pool when they are out of town.  Oops!!  Those are some of the fun things in life!!  These are some of the annoying things that I would like to do away with:

1.  The alarm clock!  Do they not make one alarm clock that won't annoy me first thing in the morning?  I absolutely hate the alarms and if I set it to music then I will hate the song that wakes me up forever!!  If I see that little Justin Bieber today, I am gonna punch him in the throat.  (I'm just kidding.  Don't let any 10-14 year old girls see this!!)

2.  Taking a shower!  Why do we have to shower every day?  It is a total waste of valuable time.  You just have to do it again tomorrow.  Plus it adds to the laundry pile!  Let's all go on a shower strike!!

3.  Potty breaks!!  What a waste of time!!  I put it in to stay in!  Why do I drink water only to have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes?  I am trying to stay hydrated and I keep dehydrating myself by peeing!!  Annoying, right?

4.  Dishes!  Dishes are a complete waste of time.  Let's do away with plates and cups and drink in disposable ones so we can have more time with family and friends!  Oh.  The environment!!  Let's use those recyclable plates and cups!!  (Don't wanna make the environmentalists angry!!)

5.  Traffic!!  Oh.  My.  Word.  What a waste of time!  If you live here in Union County, NC, you know what a pain traffic is and what a complete waste of time!!  I am so tired of it taking me 30 minutes to go 2.2 miles and back!!

6.  Sweeping, mopping and vacuuming.  Another complete waste of time.  We walk on the floors so, naturally, these are where the dirt ends up.  I swear to you that five minutes after my floors are clean, there will be a troop of boys stomping through the house.  I understand that if I don't clean the floors that it will look really bad but I swear that if I clean the floors one more time and a little boy stomps grass and dirt into my kitchen again, I'm gonna pop him up side the head!!  (To those of you who read my blog and don't know what being "Popped up side one's head" means, it is not a term of endearment.  It is literally a slap on the side of one's head.)

7, 8, 9, and 10.  Laundry.  Need I say more?  Why are towels in my laundry basket?  You are clean when you get out of the shower, right?  You are just drying yourself off, right?  Hang the darn towel up and use it again, fool!!  Okay, I see why we need to launder our undies often but come on!!  You can wear that "Hand wash Only" sweater more than once.  (More like 54 times before I am gonna hand wash it!!)   You know that you don't hand wash your "Hand Wash Only" sweater every time you wear it either!! 

I love this idea of a chore list for children.  Would it be too much for me to have my one child do all of the annoying things around the house?  I mean, just the laundry, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dishes and waking ME up in the morning.  That's not too much is it??