Lesson #15,096-ABC's of Friendship

Okay, so we all have friends who are awesome and some who don't have as much awesomeness as the others.  Don't email me to see which friend you are!!

A is for Annoying-That friend who is annoying. Only talks about herself, her life, her children, her whatever.
B is for Bitch-That friend who takes offense to EVERYTHING!! You are constantly apologizing for something.
C is for Critic-That friend who complains about everything, everyday, every time you talk to them!
D is for Ding-a-ling-The airhead. Never gets a joke. A joke isn't funny if you have to explain it.
E is for Eccentric-Otherwise known as the weird one.
F is for Fool-That friend who gets "done dirty" by everyone!  Girlfriend, Wake Up!!
G is for the Gossip-That friend who gossips about everyone (UGH) but she better tell me what she knows!!!
H is for Ho-That friend who has slept with 100 men and doesn't care who knows it!! (But you've gotta love her!)
I is for Innocent-That friend who has never drank, smoked, done anything wrong and married her high school sweetheart.
J is for the Jewel-That one friend who you cannot live without!! You tell everything and you trust 100%.
K is for Butt Kisser-That one friend who kisses your butt so she can hang out with you!! I know that I do not look great when you see me at Target without makeup and in my gym clothes!! Shut Up!!
L is for Lush-That one friend who is always drunk!! You have to love her too!!
M is for Martha Stewart Type-That friend who you would like to be like, but you would rather take a nap instead of bake a damn cake on a Wednesday.
N is for Narcotic-Some friends are on too many and some friends need to be on at least one!!
O is for Optimist-That friend who sees the best in people even when they are total jerks!
P is for Pessimist-That friend who thinks everyone is out to get them!
Q is for Quack-This is the one who thinks she's a doctor and diagnoses you with some horrible disease every time you have a sniffle!
R is for Ruin-That friend who ruins your story every time because she has been there and done that bigger and better than anyone ever has!!
S is for Silly-That friend who is silly as crap.  Will say anything at any time and doesn't care who is around.
T is for Tattle Tale-That friend who can't keep her mouth shut and tells everything that you say!!
U is for Ultra motivated-This is the friend who gets up and runs 10 miles, goes to the gym and does a class for 2 hours, goes and plays a game of tennis or golf and then has one leaf of lettuce for lunch. She's probably skinny too. (Bitch)
V is for Vulgar-This is the friend who says way too many curse words. (Umm. That may be me!)
W is for Well-educated-This is that friend who has every graduate degree that is possible to get and her jokes go way over your head and you sit there and laugh anyway. Yep. You've got one too!!
X is for Xerox-You know?? The Xerox copy of someone else. People, be yourself. Not someone else!
Y is for Yawner-This friend is so boring that you have to take a nap before seeing her so you don't snore while she is talking. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Z is for Zero.  This chick is the one who always wants to have lunch with you or go shopping with you and you just have ZERO time to see her.  EVER!!  (And will never have time to see her!! If you are lucky!)

Lucky for me, I am blessed with Jewels!!!

Lesson #15,095-ABC's of Aging

Okay, so we all have heard of the ABC's of Life so I'm gonna tell you about the ABC's of Aging.  These are all true and I will not sugar-coat any of it!!

A is for Acne. Yes, acne.  If I have to have acne again, I want my teenage body back!!
B is for Botox.  Y'all know I love my Botox and need it often!!
C is for Cellulite.  Or as I like to call it, Body Braille.
D is for Dementia.  We all think that this is for the very old, well, sorry folks I can't remember crap now!!!!
E is for Eyebrows.  They will no longer be where they used to be.
F is for Flatulence.  Yep.  You won't be able to eat just any old thing anymore.  Farting is just a butt whisper.
G is for Gray.  I like to think of gray hair as my personality sparkling!!  Hair dye is your friend!!
H is for Hemorrhoids.  If you have had a baby, you have had them.  Only a lucky few get to keep them!!
I is for Insomnia.  You young folks think we are slow but in reality we are sleep deprived.
J is for Jowls.  Sagging jowls. 
K is for Kidneys.  Men can't go and women can't stop going.  It's a problem!
L is for Libido.  It's nonexistent. 
M is for Molting.  Nice way of saying that you are losing your hair by the handfuls. (Women too!!)
N is for Night Sweats. Ah the joys of being a hormonal woman!! We're up. We're down. We're hot!!
O is for Osteoporosis.  Yes, it is possible that I am shrinking!!
P is for Pharmacist.  Find one that you like and get to know them. You will be seeing this person a lot.
Q is for Quick Tempered.  Also known as Grumpiness!
R is for Rotten Attitude.  Also known as Grumpiness!
S is for Swelling. Everything swells. Ankles. Feet.  Fingers. Waistline.
T is for Tinnitus.  Ringing in the ears.  It's annoying!!
U is for Underwear. Underwear will get larger as you age. G-strings aren't sexy if you have hemorrhoids.
V is for Vision Problems.  The day you turn 40, buy some reading glasses. Start saving for bi-focals!!
W is for Wrinkles.  What else??  Oh yeah! Weight gain!! Weariness!!  Weathered!!
X is for X-Rays.  Like Mammograms and Bone Density Tests!!  No, they aren't fun but get them!!
Y is for Yeast Infections.  Every time you take an antibiotic, you WILL get one!!
Z is for Zombielike.  This is what I feel like most of the time.  No energy. Hunched over. Barely able to put one foot in front of the other!!
 
(I actually love this man's face!!)

There are so many things to look forward to as we age.  I do believe that my least favorite thing are these stupid, ugly spots all over my hands, arms, legs and feet.  If you are young, WEAR SUNSCREEN!! Look, aging is not for the weak, the faint of heart or for anyone who doesn't like change.  Your face will change.  Your body will change.  Your hair will change.  Your organs will change. That's just part of life.

You know you are getting old when "Happy Hour" is a nap.  Aging is like underwear.  It creeps up on you!!