Lesson #150,160-That's All I can stands, I can't stands no more! (24 hour news, that is.)

That's All I can stands, I can't stands no more! (24 hour news, that is.)

Remember Popeye saying that?

That's pretty much where I am in life. Smack dab in the "I can't stands no more!" era. 

Remember when we were young and the local TV station would broadcast the local news at 6:00pm and then at 6:30pm Walter Cronkite would come on and tell us about what was happening around the country and the world?  Weren't those the good old days?  We didn't have the constant streaming 24/7 news cycle.  We had one hour to listen to everything going on both locally and all over the world.  At the end of every broadcast Walter Cronkite would say "And that's the way it is" and we could watch Sanford & Son, All in the Family or whatever sitcom or drama was on TV and know that what Walter Cronkite had said that night was pretty much, well, the way it was.  I miss Walter Cronkite.

Nowadays, if you watch any of the 24 hour news channels, you cannot be sure what to believe.  It goes a little something like this...

"BREAKING NEWS!! Farmer Fred's mule has died.  More on the story as details emerge..."

1hour later...

"Farmer Fred's mule was the oldest mule in the world and has passed away at the age of 45.  We have dispatched our reporters to the farm in Idaho to learn more details.  More on the story later in our broadcast..."

5 times before the reporters even get to Farmer Fred's farm, the newscasters, in the studio, announce that the mule is dead, in between other news stories from around the country and the globe.

An hour later, a reporter arrives at the rural farm to find Farmer Fred out in one of his pastures alongside of a mule which is surely dead.  Legs straight up in the air.  Dead.  The reporter does his best to break the news to the entire world that Old Silas is, in fact, dead.  Every one of the reporters in the newsroom is sad to hear that Silas The World's Oldest Mule has died.  So they begin to wonder what happened to old Silas.  "More details to come on the death of Silas..."

Farmer Fred is a little sad that Silas has passed away but being an old farmer, he knows that things like this happen often on the farm so he goes about his business and calls a neighbor who has a backhoe and another friend who has a truck with a lift, in hopes that they are willing to help him bury old Silas on his 500 acre farm.  Of course, this is a farming community so they agree to help each other and soon will arrive to help Farmer Fred.

By now, every news organization has picked up the story and all of the satellite trucks, camera crews and reporters are camped out at the entrance of Fred's farm.  Everyone rushes to get the next event covered before the other station can "break the news".  By now a crowd has formed outside of the gate.  Onlookers, neighbors, family friends.  The reporters begin to interview people in the crowd before the backhoe and the lift can get to the farm to help.  Family friends begin telling the reporters about how Fred was a young man when Silas was born and how he had taken care of Silas as he worked the farm.  Fred and Silas had plowed many of the fields before Fred could afford a tractor.  Some of the neighbors are then interviewed and they tell the same story of how Fred and Silas plowed the fields and how Silas would carry the crops on his back while Fred led him. 

Now the backhoe and truck with the lift arrive..."BREAKING NEWS...Silas, the oldest mule in the world, to be buried before sunset on the Idaho farm where he lived his life with Farmer Fred.  More as this story develops..." 

BUT WAIT!!  Some of the onlookers begin talking amongst themselves and begin to wonder aloud if Farmer Fred worked poor Silas to death.  A reporter overhears the conversation and hurries over to interview the onlookers. 

"BREAKING NEWS (AGAIN!!) This is John Sterling with XYZ Network reporting from Farmer Fred's farm in Idaho where news has just broken that Farmer Fred may have abused his mule, working the poor mule to death in 100 degree heat some days and no water trough for Silas to drink from.  More details as they come in.  Back to the studio."

Now Farmer Fred is an older gentleman and he is used to doing the hard job of farming so he is completely focused on digging a deep hole for Silas to be buried in so he goes about choosing a spot that isn't too far away but not in the middle of his pasture.  He begins digging in the chosen spot and he notices that an awfully large crowd has formed and some people have began to yell at him, throw rocks at him and some even have signs that read "Fred Murdered Silas".  Farmer Fred doesn't even recognize any of the people who are yelling at him and throwing rocks.  Now, I have to tell you that if you have never seen a large barnyard animal such as a horse, cow or a mule, that has died, being hoisted up by its legs, it is not for the faint of heart.  Farmer Fred has spent his entire life on a farm so he already knows what is about to happen.  As the straps tighten on the lift and Silas is being lifted in the air, there suddenly appears a drone over the field and Fred doesn't know this but the burial of Silas is being broadcast all over the world by now.  Farmer Fred covers the mule with the earth that he uncovered to bury his oldest animal. 

Now, y'all, this has taken hours.

When the machinery turns off and Farmer Fred has finished to task of burying Old Silas, he walks slowly down the road to the entrance to his farm to see what the ruckus is all about and to say hello to the one friend and one neighbor left in the rowdy crowd.  An onslaught of reporters with cameramen in tow with long booms, that to him looks like a raccoon on a stick, rushes to him to get a statement about the death of Old Silas.

"BREAKING NEWS (AGAIN!!!) We have with us, Farmer Fred, who murdered his 45-year old mule Silas after years of abuse, manual labor and malnourishment.  Farmer Fred, what do you have to say for yourself?  We have animal rights activists here who want to know why you worked that poor mule to death.  Why did you bury Silas so soon after he passed?  What are you hiding?" 

 

The chanting crowd behind the pool of reporters is crying "Justice for Silas!" over and over. 

Farmer Fred takes off his hat. Wipes his sweaty brow and says "Do you see this field over here? It is filled with alfalfa. Do you see those barrels over there? They are filled with only purified spring water. Now, do you see that old tractor over there? That old tractor is what I have used for the past 42 years to harvest the alfalfa that Silas loved to eat.  That old tractor has been my plow for the past 42 years.  Silas hasn't worked a day since but he was my animal to take care of so I took care of him like he was my pet for the past 42 years.  Yes, he pulled my plow for a couple of years before I could afford that old tractor but Silas was a big strong mule and I needed him and he needed me.  I needed him to make an honest living and to feed my family and many others in this community.  He needed me to keep him fit, fed and watered.  And, folks, sometimes farm animals die.  And that's the way it is."

   

And tomorrow Old Silas and Farmer Fred will be forgotten on page 12 of the local newspaper.

Why?  Because all the reporter needed to say was that the oldest mule had passed away.  We don't need hours or days of speculation on one subject.  Can we just find out the facts before reporting them?  What happened to investigative journalism?  What happened to honesty in journalism?  What happened to telling the public the truth?  Do we have to question what could happen, should happen, didn't happen, won't happen...It's not THE WAY THAT IT IS anymore!! 

*All Images courtesy of Google Images.

Don't Do That. It Won't Change Anything!!-150,157

Don't Do That.  It Won't Change Anything!!

Okay, so we all should know that yelling at the weatherman won't change the weather.  If you don't like heat, cold, rain or snow, you have no place to go on Earth and there is nobody on the planet that can change it.  It's almost like the old saying goes...Don't shoot the messenger!  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


Speaking of shooting the messenger, sometimes being the messenger can get you into trouble.  "Your child did this to my child."  "Your husband is cheating on you."  "You know that she talks about you behind your back, right?"  See what I mean?  You may be the one who gets shot instead of the child, the husband or the backstabbing friend.  Someone might come back to you with "Well, what did your child do to my child to make my child do that to your child?" or "How do you know that my husband is cheating on me?  Did you see it with your own two eyes?" or "Have you heard that friend talk about me?  What did you say when she said that about me?  Did you stick up for me?  What did she say then?"  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


So, the teenager that is working the drive thru didn't give you your sandwich without pickles.  What do you do?  Do you go inside and berate him or her for putting pickles on your hamburger?  Do you drive back around in the drive thru line and make the teen give you another burger without pickles?  Do you ask for the manager?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


Your Facebook friend who you haven't seen in over 25 years posts something about politics that you don't agree with.  What do you do?  Do you "unfriend" that person?  Do you start an argument with that person on their Facebook page?  Do you state your opinion and try to lead this idiot over to your way of thinking because, clearly, they are uninformed or uneducated about what they are saying?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


What about if you hear that someone, who you think is a good friend, has been talking about you behind your back?  Do you confront them with what you have heard?  Do you rat out your friend who told you this information?  Do you totally ignore this person the next time that you see them?  Do you start talking about them all over town?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


The older I get, the more I think about this.  I think back to when I was young and I remember being short tempered and quick to react to a situation.  I have learned to sleep on it for one night.  If it still bothers me in the morning, maybe I should consider doing something.  99 times out of 100, I don't lose any sleep over things that don't matter in my life and with every new day, I have a choice to be happy or to be miserable.  I can choose to live in the past or live for the future, without forgetting to live today.  In the grand scheme of life, does it really matter if I had pickle juice on my hamburger bun?  Does it matter what other people's children do?  Does it matter what someone else thinks of me?  No.  If my husband ever dared to cheat on me, that would be his choice and he would have to live with the consequences just as I would have to live with the consequences of an affair that I dared to have.  The weatherman isn't in charge of the weather and if my Facebook friend has a differing opinion than I do regarding politics, I just keep scrolling.  Is it really worth losing a friend over an opinion?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.

Lesson # 150,155 Profession vs Purpose

Profession Vs Purpose

Okay, so I haven't written a blog in a while.  I've been a little busy.  Life has changed a lot since my last blog.  In May, my Daddy passed away.  It was a long road for him to go down.  Cancer stinks!  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  Saying goodbye to him was hard but I know that he is not in pain anymore and that gives me great comfort.  I'm not a sappy person.  I try to always be strong.  I hate to cry.  Dealing with the death of a loved one is never easy but after seeing him suffer so long, it was bittersweet.  The night that he was dying, my sisters and I sat with him all night long and we laughed and we cried and we laughed some more and we cried some more.  Laughing is our coping mechanism.  We sat around telling funny stories about things that we used to do to our parents and things that they would do to us.  One time, Daddy took a nap on the couch and I painted his fingernails candy apple RED!!  Then I couldn't find the polish remover.  It was funny to me but he wasn't as amused as I was!  My sister and I would tape the handheld water sprayer so that when Daddy or Katherine (my stepmother who was my mother!!) would turn on the kitchen faucet, the water would squirt them.  Again, they didn't find it as amusing as we did, especially when they were trying to cook dinner!!  Our parents had a little payback and would do things to embarrass us too.  We grew up in a small town and all there was to do was ride around town and park at the carwash and talk to our friends.  One night they drove through town to get some ice cream and saw us sitting at the carwash with all of our friends.  We watched in horror as they turned around and rolled down the windows and cranked up their radio to the worst country western music they could find and they pulled in the carwash and drove around and around us yelling "Hey Colette.  Hey Denise" and blowing the horn! Our friends thought it was hilarious.  We weren't as amused as they were.  We did have some great times together.  We love them and miss them both dearly. (Katherine passed away 3 years ago, also of cancer.)



At my Dad's funeral, the pastor read some passages from the Bible and some from my Dad's favorite book.  It's called "The Dash" by Linda Ellis.  It talks about the dates on your headstone.  There is your date of birth and the day that you died but what matters most is the "dash" between those dates.  It got me to thinking about my dash. My dash has held some great times and some not so great times.  Some fun times and some sad times. Wonderful dates are what that dash is made of.  September 21, 1996.  My wedding day.  October 12, 1999.  The day my son was born.  August 22 & 23, 2014.  What was so special about August 22 & 23, 2014?  August 22 was a Friday.  It was hot.  It was a "nothing special" kind of day.  I had been inducted onto the local homeless shelter board on June 2 of this year.  One of the Case Managers had sent an email asking if anyone had any furniture that they could donate to a couple of ladies who had gone through counseling and were ready to rebuild their lives.  They were moving into a small apartment and they needed everything to set up a house.  I had a kitchen table and 6 chairs, a hutch and a small cabinet that we had bought when my husband and I had gotten married and it was just taking up room in our garage.  I emailed the case manager back and said that I had those pieces to donate.  She said "Great!! You can deliver it at this address after 4:00 today."  I was like, OoooooKaaaaaaaaaaay. There goes our date night!!  I wasn't happy about it but when my husband got home from work, we loaded it all into the truck and headed to their apartment.  We got there and I knocked on the door.  I heard a voice say "Come in". We walked in and there were two ladies sitting in the floor.  I looked around the room for their belongings and all they had in that apartment was one lamp.  ONE LAMP!!  That's it!!  Nothing else!!  We started bringing in their kitchen table and chairs.  The kitchen was so small that only 3 chairs would fit but that was okay with them, they would have 3 chairs to use in the living room.  We brought in the hutch and had to put it in the living room.  The ladies were crying and thanking us and crying and thanking us.  For what??  All we did was bring them a table that we had bought 18 years ago at Rooms To Go but they were over the moon happy.  They had happy tears at our "generosity".  When in reality, it was just us getting rid of things that we no longer had any use for.  I asked that question.  I just had to ask that question.  The question that changed my life..."Do you have beds?".  They said, "No".  That answer cut like a knife.  They were so thrilled to have a table and chairs and the hutch and the small cabinet that they didn't realize that all of the color had drained from my face.  I got myself together and I don't know what made me say this but I just blurted out "I will be back tomorrow with 2 beds".  WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT??  I DON'T HAVE 2 BEDS!!!!  I went home and could not get those ladies off of my mind.  I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed feeling like the biggest heel in the entire world.  I was there in my king sized bed with my Pottery Barn bedding, super soft high thread count sheets and there were those women in that tiny apartment with NO BEDS.  No Pottery Barn bedding.  No sheets.  I couldn't stop thinking about them and the promise that I had made to them.  What am I going to do?  I told them that I would bring them beds tomorrow!!  Why did I say that???  So I began to pray.  "Dear God, Please provide me with a couple of beds.  It doesn't have to be tomorrow.  Just some time in the next week or so.  Just please provide me with 2 beds soon.  They will understand if it isn't tomorrow."  Well, the next morning was Saturday and my sister and I were supposed to meet at my Dad's house to clean out his closets.  I walk up to the garage door and punch in the code and as the garage door opens, something catches my eye.  Are you ready for this??         2 beds are in my Dad's garage.  What?  Where did those come from?  I picked up my cell phone and called my sister and asked where those beds had came from.  She said that she had bought a new bedroom suit for herself and for her daughter.  I just had to ask..."What are you going to do with them?"  She said, "I don't know but we need to get rid of them before we put Daddy's house on the market." I said, "Can I have them?" and she said "Yes. That would be great" because she wasn't sure what she was going to do with them.  So, my husband and I loaded them up on the truck, finished cleaning out Daddy's closet and drove back to that tiny apartment and knocked on the door.  The ladies recognized our truck and ran outside crying.  That was it!! I was a goner!!  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  This is my purpose in life!!  Those ladies thought that I was a blessing when, in truth, they were the blessing to me!!  Those ladies who had been homeless yesterday, had shown me what it is that I was put on this earth to do!! Of course, God had it all planned out already.  I have to give Him all of the credit but He used those, no longer, homeless women to show me what I was supposed to do with my life.  And so began what we now call Home Again Rehousing Program!!  Every time I have clients to move out of the shelter into permanent housing, I try to get furnishings and household items for them.  These people don't get shower gifts or housewarming parties like I did when I got started.  A simple can opener, a set of dishes, a cookie sheet, a casserole dish, a pasta strainer, etc. means so much to them!! They are beginning their new lives.  They have gone from hopeless, to homeless, to hope and now to housing. 

Here comes the exciting part.  I was having trouble coming up with beds for our clients.  I had tapped out my friends and family.  I went to our shelter director and told her that I was having trouble getting beds for these people.  She said to let her think about what to do.  The next day she called me and said that an organization was starting up in our community called "Heart for Monroe" and they wanted to help us.  They had asked what they could do for us.  She told them about my new project and they got excited.  They have now partnered with The Original Mattress Company to get us beds at a discounted rate for every new client moving into permanent housing!!  We have now set up numerous households with furniture, beds, bedding and kitchen supplies.  We are making their barren apartments into homes.

Before



After


Before


After


Before


After


Mark Twain once said, "The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why" and that is what makes all the difference in your life.  When you are a child, people often ask you what you want to be when you grow up.  I love to hear the little kids say "A fireman.  A nurse.  A doctor.  A veterinarian. A teacher.  A policeman." but your profession doesn't mean a thing if you haven't found your purpose. Go and find yours.

If you would like to help go to: http://www.unionshelter.org/
Watch the video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otM2tOrf7Rk

Lesson #15,149-Even Sick People Can Be Funny

Okay, So let me explain where I've been lately.  First, there was summer and now it is fall and I haven't been writing lately.  No, I haven't been in an insane asylum but I may as well have been.  There's been summer fun, school starting back, homework and driving to soccer practices and games and tournaments and blah, blah, blah.  Not making excuses but...Well, yes I am.  Anyway, throw in a health scare and having a hysterectomy, which, by the way, is no big deal anymore.  If you need one, find a good GYN that can do it with a laparoscope and have it done!!  I was sore for a week and a half and then I felt normal again.  I get tired a little more quickly but it was exactly 3 weeks ago today so that's to be expected.  Now, onto more important issues.  Daddy has colon cancer and has been in Stage 4 for 9 years and so I know that isn't good.  He had to have surgery the day after Thanksgiving and the poor man had an NG tube in his nose and couldn't even eat on Thanksgiving Day!! Eating is his favorite pastime so I felt really guilty for eating while he was in the hospital.  Funny thing happened when he had surgery, I saw some guys that I went to high school with and they work on the local ambulance service.  Boy, did these EMTs have some stories!!

Okay, so here goes...

They go on a call and go into the house because there was a sick child.  Checked his vital signs.  Maybe a little elevated temperature.  Maybe a little diarrhea and nausea.  Mom thinks the child may have a virus or something and Grandma pipes up and says, "Tell 'em what we caught him doing yesterday."  They turn to Mom and she says, "Well, we caught him sucking on the Chicken Diaper."  They looked at each other and said, "Chicken Diaper?  What's a Chicken Diaper?" and Mom says "Ya know?  The diaper in the bottom of the package of fresh chicken that soaks up the chicken juices."  OH MY GOSH!!!  Thought I was gonna pee myself laughing at that one!!  I don't know what that spongy thing is called but from now on it's a Chicken Diaper!!


They go on another call to the bad part of town and find a man bleeding from his abdomen.  They go to check his wound and see 7 different wounds.  They ask him what happened and he said that he ran into a knife.  They asked him how in the world he ran into a knife 7 times.  They look up and see his wife standing there.  "Oh.  Never mind."  (I think someone got caught cheating!!)


They go on another call.  This time they know this guy.  He's a "frequent flyer" to the ER because he is "suicidal".  Apparently, this guy claims to overdose on purpose quite frequently and sure enough, they walk in and he starts flopping around on the floor, faking a seizure.  Once you have seen someone have a real seizure a few times, you know what it looks like.  These guys were onto his act.  The guy had on nothing but his underwear and it was pouring down rain outside.  They have had enough of his antics so they load him on the stretcher with no sheet or blanket and wheel him out to the ambulance in the pouring rain.  They said his belly button was full of water by the time they got him out to the ambulance. ((Hee Hee))  He stops mid-fake-seizure and asks for a towel.  They told him that they didn't have one.  He got mad and jumped off of the stretcher without even getting in the ambulance.  Again, if you've ever seen a real seizure, you know that a patient is a little dazed after one so they made him sign a release and he hasn't faked a suicide ever again!!  Score!!

I suppose you have to have a sense of humor to do what these guys do every day.  They see some horribly tragic situations and some really funny ones.  I told them that they needed their own reality show.  Only with the funny people though!!  Oh and here is my Public Service Announcement for the day:  If you see one of these, PULL OVER AND LET THEM THROUGH!!

Lesson #15,148-Summer Time!!

Okay, So, I cannot decide if summer is too long or too short.  Our school runs on a year-round schedule but it is not really "year-round".  They do get about 6-7 weeks in the summer.  That is not very long and we all wish it was longer!!  But then again, if I hear "I'm bored.", "Can somebody come over to spend the night?", "What time will so-in-so be here?", "Can we go bowling?", "Can we go to the record store?", "I don't want to get up", "I don't want to go to the pool, or play soccer outside or ride my bike or do my summer reading or anything else that you suggest"!!!!!  "I'm hungry" is another of my least favorite sentences to hear.  "Can we go to Bojangles?" and "Can you pick me up some Chick-fil-a?" makes me want to cringe.

We are so lame that we didn't eat hotdogs and hamburgers on the 4th of July!!  We ate leftovers from Olive Garden.  How lame is that??  What is wrong with us??  We made up for it today and ate hamburgers for dinner.  Had to do it!  So, Happy 5th of July, People!!  We celebrated Cinco de Julio!

We are heading to the beach in a few days for one more week there before school starts back!  UGH!!  Okay, So is summer too short or too long?  I suppose it is according to the day that you ask me!  I am not looking forward to getting up early again and helping with homework and soccer practices and projects and book reports and all of that again!!  Then again, I won't have to fix lunch and snacks 100 times a day!!  After the beach, all we will have to look forward to is fall break!!  That is my favorite part of the year round schedule! 
 
So, tell me how you all are keeping your children occupied this summer.  Especially if you have an "Only Child"?  We have had a lot of sleepovers!!  Borrowing other people's kids are the way to go when I have only one!  They are probably tired of entertaining their multiples!!  So, I am helping them out, really!!  Right??

Lesson #15,147-Summer Break!!!!!

Okay, so school gets out today, for summer, here in NC.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Super Excited about not having to get up at 6:00am for 7 weeks!  No homework for 7 weeks.  No packing lunches for 7 weeks.  No projects for 7 weeks.  No studying for 7 weeks.  No tests for 7 weeks.  That being said, there is also no going back to bed at 8:30am for 7 weeks.  No lunching with my friends for 7 weeks.  No peace and quiet from 8am-3pm!!  I will be hearing "Mom, I'm bored" about 5,000 times over the next 7 weeks.  I will have to stock up on snacks and lunch food.  There will be stinky teenage boys in my house at all times.  My floors will not be clean for 7 weeks.  There will be cookie crumbs and potato chip crumbs in my sofa cushions for the next 7 weeks.  That's okay though.  Sleeping past 8:00am is a treat for me.  Now I just need to find a quiet hairdryer so my husband doesn't wake me up when he is getting ready for work.  Maybe I can find some earplugs that really work!!  Maybe I can also find a shock collar that shocks my son every time he says "I'm bored"!!

I know that I love summertime and there are some great reasons to love summer break and believe me, I do!!  There are also some great reasons to hate summer break!  I am already dreading the "I'm bored, Mom" and "Mom, can I have a friend over?".  I'm dreading the crumbs and the smelly teenage boys.  I'm dreading the sticky floors and the elevated grocery bills.  However, the warm weather and sleeping for 2 more hours a day may soften the blow!!





I suppose there could be nothing worse than having a kid that has to go to summer school.  That must suck!!

Happy Summer Break, Everyone!!!

Lesson #15,146-I Want a Job!!

Okay, so I have been a SAHM for over 13 years now.  It has been great and I love it but I think I want to start earning my own money.  What kind of jobs are out there for me?  I mean, I now have "Mommy Brain" so I can't remember anything.  My brain has turned to mush!!  I can't remember how to use Excel.  I can't type very fast anymore.  I can't work weekends.  Well, I can but I don't want to.  I can't work evenings either.  Well, I don't want to do that either.  I only want to work from about 10am to 2:00pm.  I take that back.  I need a nap sometimes so I'm gonna need to leave about 12:30.  Are there any jobs that I can work from about 10am to 12:30pm?  Oh and I am going to have to wear my yoga pants because they are very comfortable.  No makeup would be great and if I didn't have to fix my hair that would be a bonus as well!!

Let's see now.  What am I really good at nowadays? I am pretty good at driving carpool.  The kids only have like a tardy or 2 this year.  What else?  I'm great at Facebook and Instagram.  I am an ace at drinking wine and eating crackers and cheese.  I cook really well but I don't bake.  I only like to cook about twice a week so I am really good at making sandwiches.  I'm not great at decorating but I have fabulous boards on Pinterest.  I am great at Internet shopping.  I can win an eBay auction with 2 seconds remaining!! I can do laundry but I don't like putting it away.  I can rearrange a dishwasher so many times that I can get every cup in my cabinets in one load!!  I can clean a cat litter box in 30 seconds.  I can pack a backpack and fix peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with my eyes closed.  They are usually still closed at 6am!!  I give the best kisses and snuggles that my son has ever had!!

Okay, so maybe I should just keep my day job since nobody is hiring for anything that I am good at now.  Plus, I would probably forget to go to work because of my "Mommy Brain".  Being a Mom doesn't pay well but being a Great Mom is worth more than silver and gold.  Better stick with what I know I am good at!!

Lesson #15,145-Happy Freaking Birthday To Me!!

Okay, So this sucks!  When you are turning 43 and not a child anymore, nobody really cares about your birthday.  It's not a milestone birthday like 10, 13, 16, 21, 30, 40, etc.  It's 43.  Whoop Dee Do!  Who cares, really?  I want a damn birthday party!! I want cotton candy!!  I want balloons and a petting zoo and birthday cake and birthday presents and I want everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to ME!!  Then I want to take a nap.  What am I, 3??  Seriously??  When did we stop getting to have birthday parties?  Would it be frowned upon if I threw myself a birthday party??  I think the older we get the better parties we should get.  Why not?  If nobody will throw you a birthday party, throw yourself one!!  I may be a Birthday Brat this year!!

If I have to buy my own gift, I will.  If I have to buy my own cake, I will.  If I have to have my party catered, I will.  If I have to decorate my own house, I will.  If I have to buy my own balloons, I will.  If I have to send out invitations to my own party, I will.  If I have to buy plates, cups and napkins, I will.  If I have to hire a damn clown, I WILL!!  I want a party!! I want a party!! I want a party!!  Go ahead and call me a Birthday Brat!!

Now what kind of party should I have??  Pool Party?  Roller Skating Party?  Dance Party?  Cookout?  Masquerade Party?  Pizza Party?  Beach Party?  Wine Party?  Ice Cream Party?  Movie Party?  Oh what the heck!! I may have them all in one!!  Just because I can!!  That is the best part about being an adult, we can have any kind of party that we want!!  So bring your beach ball, float, roller skates, dancing shoes, grilling mitts, mask, pizza, bottle of wine, ice cream scoop and your favorite DVD and come on over!!

Life is too short to wait on someone else to throw you a party.  Throw yourself one!!!

Lesson #15,144-IT'S MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND PEOPLE!!!!

Okay, so it is Mother's Day Weekend!!  YES, WEEKEND!!  Fathers only get Father's Day but Moms get the entire weekend!!  Yes, it is fair!!!  (Unless you are a single father.  Then you get an entire weekend too!!)

So, what do you think your loved ones will give you for Mother's Day?  I am sure that dads and children all over America will be scurrying all day today to find a card and the dads will "allow" the children to pick out a gift for Mom.  Then we get to open the gifts and pretend that the gifts are perfect!!  "Oh, sweetheart, I love this beautiful bunny sweater. I really, really do!"  (UGH)  I have the perfect solution!!  I think I will drag my husband to the mall for the "Perfect" gift for me!!  I will pretend that I want to go with them!!  Genius, right?  Actually, I am just making sure my gift this year doesn't come from CVS off the "As Seen On TV" aisle!!  Although, I do love that stuff, I just don't want to get any of it for Mother's Day.

So, here's to all of you Mothers out there!! I hope you all have a great weekend!! Maybe even get a nap in!!  Wouldn't that be a great weekend?


Happy Mother's Day!!!

Lesson #15,143-What If Life Came With A Keyboard?

Okay, so we all make mistakes and wish we could erase them!!  BACKSPACE!!  Yes, the Backspace key would come in very handy when you say something stupid.  I have this problem.  Sometimes my mouth works way faster than my brain.  I have a sarcastic personality and I am usually joking with someone but say something to the wrong person at the wrong time and they get upset.  If my mouth had a Backspace button, I could just take it back really quick!!  I'm usually joking but some people are grump so.......((Backspace)).

What about the Delete button?  We could just go back and delete sections of time that were "uncomfortable".  How convenient would that be?  You back into a car and leave a big ole dent.  Just hit the Delete button!!  Poof!!  Dent gone!!  How cool would that be?

CAPS LOCK.  When we really, really mean something we could make it clear to other people that we mean business with the CAPS LOCK.  "NO, I DO NOT WANT TO BUY A SUBSCRIPTION TO YOUR MAGAZINE."  "YES, OF COURSE, I WANT VODKA IN MY CRANBERRY JUICE.  WHO DRINKS CRANBERRY JUICE WITHOUT VODKA?"  See what I mean?

Escape.  Yes, the most wonderful key on the keyboard.  I see that annoying person in Target that I don't want to talk to and just hit the Esc button!!  Yep.  I'm gone!!  I'm speeding down the highway and pass a State Trooper. Escape!!  I see a snake in the yard. Escape!! Escape!! Escape!!

Then there is Ctrl+Alt+Del.  This restarts everything.  If we have a crappy day, we can just start all over again.  Have an argument with someone and think of better stuff that you could have said?  Hit Ctrl+Alt+Del!!  Yes!!  Then you can really Zing them with your quick wit!!

Having trouble sleeping at night?  Power down...........................Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Lesson #15,142-If Only These Things Were True!

Okay, so I hear these things all the time and I am really wishing that they were true.  "If you lick the icing off the cupcake, it becomes a muffin.  Muffins are healthy, right?"  I really, really wish this was true because I do love cupcakes!! And muffins.  Just not those whole grain mini muffins with raisins in them.

"The calories go into the doughnut hole".  So, you can eat as many as you want, right?  I mean, it makes sense to me that the calories are flushed right through the doughnut hole!!  Just don't eat the holes!!  I can do that!!  Okay, so it's not true.

What about "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas"?  Not true.  Your friends will tell everyone what you did and will laugh at you forever!

"It's so easy.  I took these diet pills and lost 120 pounds in 6 months."  Lies!!  I took them for one day and thought I had bugs crawling under my skin!  If you can stand the bugs for 6 months, then you probably can lose 120 pounds!!

Don't even get me started on the happy girls wearing tampons!  I'm not that happy when I am not bleeding like a stuck pig!  I sure as heck ain't happy when I am!!  Stop showing women jumping around, dancing, playing tennis, riding horses or swimming!!  We don't do these things when we are doubled over with cramps!

Just once, I would like to get a burger at a burger joint that looks like the ones in the ads!  Just once, I would like to get the rental car that I thought I was getting from the rental car company.  I thought I was getting a convertible Corvette but in reality I got a Kia minivan!!  Just once, I would like an ice cream cake that I didn't have to take a hack saw to!  Who the heck can cut through these things?  My Frosty at Wendy's never has that cute little swirl on top.  What's up with that?  When I order a cute dress from a catalog, why does it never look as good on me as it does that 5'11", 105 pound model?  Just once!!!  Oh and my weight on my driver's license.  Yeah.  That ship sailed when I was 20 years old!!  Just hope they are able to identify me after the added pounds and hair dye. Oh and the 2 inches taller that I told them I was.  Shut up!! You know that you lie too!!  Why do they even ask?

If only these things were true!!

Lesson #15,141-Moms Telling Stories About Blond Moments

Okay, so a bunch of moms got together the other night. (If you live in the South, you know that "the other night" could be last night, 2 nights ago or 6 months ago.)  We were sitting around telling funny stories about things that we had done.  Some of us have some great stories.  Most of them involved doctor's offices. Like the time I asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted his Tetanus shot in.  Well, duh!!  I think I have told the story before but he shook his stump at me and said "Well, what the Hell do you think?".  Cringe worthy moment!!!! I think my blond hair dye soaked clear to the root!!!

My other friend was telling a story about going to the OB/GYN for her yearly physical.  She had finished with her pap smear and breast exam and told the doctor that her boobs were really sore after she ran on the treadmill.  She was concerned that something was wrong with her breasts!  He told her that his wife had the same problem and told her that maybe she just needed better support.  She said that she told him that she had just bought a new pair of running shoes and that couldn't be the problem!! (LOL)  She said he just looked at her and walked out the door.  When he walked out the door she realized that he wasn't talking about support of her arches.  When she walked out of the door of the exam room, her doctor was standing at the end of the hall talking to another doctor and they both just roared with laughter.  She knew immediately that they were laughing at her blond moment! 

Another one of the ladies there that night is an RN and she was telling us about working in a doctor's office and they were doing a proctoscope (it goes in the anus) on an elderly lady and the doctor couldn't get it in.  He turned to her and asked if she would try.  She said, "Sure. I will give it a try".  She said that a minute later she told him that she had gotten it in.  He thought it was great that his nurse had gotten it in and turned around to do the scope.  Well, the doctor went to look around the rectum and he said (loudly) "You've got it in the wrong hole".  They both had to leave the room!  She wondered why the elderly lady had squealed a little when she inserted the scope!

Obviously, we are not rocket scientists!!  Thank God for good friends and good belly laughs!!

Lesson #15,140-Types of Parents

Okay, so there are 101 types of parents out there but I'm gonna tell you about my favorites.

Helicopter Parents:  Helicopter parents are those who hover over their children.  They want to know everything that is going on in their children's lives.  They want to be a part of everything in their children's lives.  They want to fight their children's battles.  They want their child to be number one at everything.  These parents are really not doing their child any favors.  If we are a part of everything that our children do then they never learn how to cope with situations without our help.  Life doesn't work that way!!  Do I want to go and smack some kid that is mean to my child?  Sure, but I have to let my child learn to take care of himself.

Absentee Parents:  These are parents who think they are doing their children a favor by not being there for them when they do need them.  Sure, they may turn out to be independent adults but they need us for guidance and love while they are children.  Our children do need to be children and need to be able to have open dialogue with us when it comes to some subjects.  If you aren't talking to your child about sex, someone else is.  If you aren't giving your child love and affection, someone else will.  It may be from someone who doesn't care one bit about them either!!  The backseat of some guy's car isn't the place for love to be given.

"My Child is Perfect" Parents:  These are the parents who can "one up" your child's A+, your child's hole in one, your child's 3 point shot, your child's awesome soccer goal, your child's national championship wrestling medal, your child's triple back tuck!!  We all know them.  These parent's have the most perfect children that ever lived.  They make the best grades.  They are the best in sports. They are the most well behaved children.  They are the best looking or most beautiful children that were ever born.  I mean, we all think our child is the best looking and most beautiful children that we have ever seen but that's because they are ours!!  We just don't say it out loud!!!  These parents do!! UGH!! These are the most annoying parents EVER!!

"My Kid is The Worst" Parents:  These are the parents who never have anything positive to say about their children even when they are awesome kids!  Most kids have at least one redeeming quality but to these parents, it's never enough.  "So what if you scored 25 points in the basketball game?  You should have scored 30."  I think these are the most damaging parents.  I know what they are trying to do and that is living vicariously through their children but never telling your child that you are proud of them is damaging.

Angry Parents:  These parents are the ones who stir up more drama than a middle school girl could ever start!  Nothing is ever right with their children's teachers, their friends, their school, their dance instructor, their soccer coach and on and on and on.  These parents just need some Xanax!!  I can't even talk to these people!

Cool Parents:  These are the parents who want to be their children's best friend.  They let their kids talk any ole way to them.  They let their kids do anything they want to do.  The kids tell the parents what they are going to do instead of the other way around.  That is the tail wagging the dog!! I tell my son, all the time, that he has plenty of friends but only 2 parents.  I don't want to be his friend.  I want to be his mom!! That is a hard enough job!  He isn't going to tell me what to do, where we will go and how we should do things.  I drive this bus, Bubby, not you!  Don't get me wrong, I will talk to my son about anything that he wants to talk about but I am going to give him advice from a parent's perspective, not his friends.  No, he will not be allowed to drink in my home.  No, I won't be buying him cigarettes.  No, he will not be having girls up in his room.  When he goes away to college, I can't watch what he does but while he is in my home he will respect my rules.

Over-Protective Parent:  These are the parents that never let their child out of their sight except for school.  They won't let their children go to other people's houses EVER!  They won't let their child ride their bike down the street.  They won't let their children do anything.  This, to me, tells their child that they don't trust them at all and never will.  Kids have to have boundaries, I understand that, but we have to give them a little breathing room and a little privacy.

Okay, so what's a happy medium?  Every child is different.  We all have different parenting styles and philosophies.  I think we just need to give our children love, affection, attention, teach them right from wrong and be good examples for them as adults.  We weren't perfect when we were children so why expect our children to be? (Except for y'all "My Child is Perfect Parents". Y'all already have perfect kids!)  They will make mistakes and bad grades and fail to make a team and not score 30 points but we have to love them and guide them to do their best.  My son studied for a test, not too long ago, and failed the test.  He was afraid to tell me what grade he got.  When he finally told me, I asked if that was the test that he had studied for and he said it was so I told him that if that was the best he could do then that was the best he could do.  I told him that he needed to work harder for the next test and pull up his grade.  He got the highest grade in the class on the next test because he had to work harder and pull up his grade.  I am, by far, not perfect so why expect him to be?  Parenting is a hard job.  Do your best to raise good adults!