Lesson #150,158-When I Was a Kid...

150, 158-When I Was a Kid...

Okay, so when I was a kid, boy oh boy, were times very different.  No, we didn't have cell phones.  We had a phone in the kitchen with a 20 ft. cord so my Mom could cook dinner and talk on the phone at the same time.  It had a dial on it.  It was olive green.  It was the only phone in the house until I was about 10-years old and then there was one in the living room and my parent's bedroom.  Still had a dial on the phone though.  We didn't get "push button" phones until I was a teenager. 
 
We never had cable TV in my house growing up.  We lived out in the country and cable hadn't been buried out that far yet.  We had 4 channels.  NBC, ABC, CBS and an independent TV station, now a Fox station.  Sure, we could have gotten a satellite dish in the 80's but my Dad didn't see the sense in spending money on TV stations.

I didn't have cable TV until I went away to college.  Our dorm was equipped with FREE cable!!  I was so excited to have 20 channels!!  Funny thing was, we hardly ever watched TV in college and when we did we watched the same stations that I had always watched.

We didn't grow up with computers.  Windows were what we looked out of, not icons on our computer.  When we needed to do a report, essay, term paper or research, we had to go to the library and look it up in an encyclopedia.  In college, we used microfilm.  There was a card catalog in the library and we all knew how to use the Dewey Decimal System.  I bet if you asked a kid nowadays if they know what Dewey Decimal is, they would say "Who?". 

Once we  finished our research, we used typewriters to type our papers.  My roommate in college had her very own word processor.  It was awesome!!  It even had an eraser tape!!  Bye, Bye White Out!!  If she was using it, I had to go to the library and use a typewriter.  I didn't like using the typewriters.  I had to use White Out a lot!! 

I could never have imagined, in my wildest dreams, that 25 years later we would be so dependent on items that were not even available back then.  If I leave the house without my cell phone, I panic.  What did our parents do in carpool line rather than look at a phone and checking emails?  Oh, that's right.  They MADE us ride the bus!!  How did they know what to do all day long without constant texts from people telling us what to do next?  Oh, that's right.  They made a "To Do" list and went by that.  If it wasn't on the list, it didn't get done until the next day, when a phone call was made letting them know what to do.  What if a child was sick and a parent couldn't be reached at home or at work?  Oh, that's right.  We went to the nurses office and the nurse would tell us to suck it up until one of our parents could be reached or we would be sent back to class.  When we got home, if we forgot a book at school, that was just too bad.  My parents wouldn't drive back to the school to save my butt.  I should have remembered to bring all materials home with me.  What if I had left something at home that I had forgotten and didn't bring to school?  Same thing.  I got a big, fat ZERO on the assignment because my parents wouldn't bring it to me, the teacher wouldn't let us go to the office and use the phone to call home for it and the teacher wouldn't let us turn it in the next day.  If the assignment was due on Tuesday, it wouldn't be accepted on Wednesday.  No, my parents and teachers weren't terrible people.  That's just the way it was.  This would not go over well with today's helicopter parents!!!!

A "Tweet" was something that a bird did.  A "Post" was something that held up a fence or a sign.  A "Wall" wasn't something to write on.  (You would get into BIG trouble for that!!)  A "Feed" involved eating.  "Text" was something in a book that you probably didn't want to read.  A "Pin" was something to hem a skirt with.  A "Map" was something that was folded up in the glove compartment and you planned your trip by that map and you had better not miss a turn or you would drive 50 miles out of your way and have to stop at a gas station to figure out where you were supposed to turn.  A "Selfie", "FaceTime" and an "App" wasn't a thing.  We took pictures with a camera and had to wait 7 days to see if they were worthy of being "posted" in a picture frame.  We wrote letters.  We passed notes in class.  We waited for hours by the phone waiting for our boyfriends or a boy we liked to call us. (Back then girls didn't call boys!!)  Yahoo was something that cowboys would say.  Google was something that you did with your eyes.  If you wanted to know the weather, you had better watch the news at 6:00 or 11:00pm and you had to hope that the weatherman was right.  We didn't have spell check.  We had to learn how to write in cursive.  A "Snap Chat" would have been considered a quick talk.  If we wanted to hear a song, we had to call a local radio station and make a request.  Then we would record it on a cassette tape and hope that the DJ didn't talk over the beginning or the end.  A "flash drive" probably would have been someone "mooning" you as they drove past.  A "newsfeed" would have been the teleprompter that a newscaster would read on the news, which back then would have been cue cards.  Your "inbox" was your locker with a note stuck in the vents. 


I'm glad that I didn't grow up in a time when social media was a thing.  We had conversations with each other.  If we didn't like someone, we just didn't like them.  We didn't bash them on a "site" (which was a "place") for everyone to see.  We might pass a letter to them to let them know why we didn't like them but the entire world wouldn't be privy to our conversation. 

Wow.  Life sounds pretty darn primitive back then.  Yeah, I'm okay with that.  Life was much simpler back then.  Being plugged in 24/7 ain't what it's cracked up to be.  Just try to take a nap with your cell phone in the same room.  Impossible.

Don't Do That. It Won't Change Anything!!-150,157

Don't Do That.  It Won't Change Anything!!

Okay, so we all should know that yelling at the weatherman won't change the weather.  If you don't like heat, cold, rain or snow, you have no place to go on Earth and there is nobody on the planet that can change it.  It's almost like the old saying goes...Don't shoot the messenger!  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


Speaking of shooting the messenger, sometimes being the messenger can get you into trouble.  "Your child did this to my child."  "Your husband is cheating on you."  "You know that she talks about you behind your back, right?"  See what I mean?  You may be the one who gets shot instead of the child, the husband or the backstabbing friend.  Someone might come back to you with "Well, what did your child do to my child to make my child do that to your child?" or "How do you know that my husband is cheating on me?  Did you see it with your own two eyes?" or "Have you heard that friend talk about me?  What did you say when she said that about me?  Did you stick up for me?  What did she say then?"  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


So, the teenager that is working the drive thru didn't give you your sandwich without pickles.  What do you do?  Do you go inside and berate him or her for putting pickles on your hamburger?  Do you drive back around in the drive thru line and make the teen give you another burger without pickles?  Do you ask for the manager?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


Your Facebook friend who you haven't seen in over 25 years posts something about politics that you don't agree with.  What do you do?  Do you "unfriend" that person?  Do you start an argument with that person on their Facebook page?  Do you state your opinion and try to lead this idiot over to your way of thinking because, clearly, they are uninformed or uneducated about what they are saying?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


What about if you hear that someone, who you think is a good friend, has been talking about you behind your back?  Do you confront them with what you have heard?  Do you rat out your friend who told you this information?  Do you totally ignore this person the next time that you see them?  Do you start talking about them all over town?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.


The older I get, the more I think about this.  I think back to when I was young and I remember being short tempered and quick to react to a situation.  I have learned to sleep on it for one night.  If it still bothers me in the morning, maybe I should consider doing something.  99 times out of 100, I don't lose any sleep over things that don't matter in my life and with every new day, I have a choice to be happy or to be miserable.  I can choose to live in the past or live for the future, without forgetting to live today.  In the grand scheme of life, does it really matter if I had pickle juice on my hamburger bun?  Does it matter what other people's children do?  Does it matter what someone else thinks of me?  No.  If my husband ever dared to cheat on me, that would be his choice and he would have to live with the consequences just as I would have to live with the consequences of an affair that I dared to have.  The weatherman isn't in charge of the weather and if my Facebook friend has a differing opinion than I do regarding politics, I just keep scrolling.  Is it really worth losing a friend over an opinion?  Don't do that.  It won't change anything.

Lesson #150,152-What's A Mom To Wear??

Okay, So what is a Mom to wear?  Now, we can all get tips on what NOT to wear when we go to Walmart.  Just sit on a bench near the checkout and you will be amazed at what people wear in that place.  Hopefully, we all know that pajamas and fuzzy slippers are not appropriate for leaving the house and going shopping.  Okay, you can wear them if you go to Walmart but if you are going to Target or the grocery store, please leave the Hello Kitty pjs on the floor in your bedroom. 

Moms are constantly being picked on about Mom jeans and yoga pants.  If it were up to me, I would live in my yoga pants and my favorite long sleeved tee shirts.  My high fashion consists of Guy Harvey and Vineyard Vines Tees.  My "Mom Jeans" are from American Eagle, $30, and they don't look like Mom Jeans.  My favorite shoes are my 5 year old, well-worn Sperry topsiders.  I look at some Moms in carpool line and they usually look much like I do.  Some have played tennis and have their tight shorts on and their butts look amazing. Some have taught exercise classes all day and they look amazing in their yoga pants.  Some Moms have just left court and have been litigating cases all day and they look great!! Some Moms are in their yoga pants and a side pony and rock it.  Let me clear one thing up.  My yoga pants have never been to yoga.  I just love them!! Now, I do Pilates and dance in them. (Dance=until this pro/am dance competition is over and then I will be back to Pilates only!!)  Some Moms just look like a hot mess.  Usually I am one of them.  I am going to work on this.

Okay, so what are we supposed to wear without being judged?  I refuse to dress up to go to carpool, the grocery store and Target.  I watch reality TV and see these ladies on "The Real Housewives of..." all around town in cocktail dresses, full makeup, eyelashes and hair curled.  Not a ball cap in sight!!  Let's settle on something comfortable.  I am, by no means, someone to be giving out style advice but maybe I can help moms spruce up their wardrobes with a few simple tips.  Again, just to be clear, we don't need to wear heels and be uncomfortable to look good.  We can wear a solid colored tee with an inexpensive thin cardigan (from Gap Outlet) over it to look a little nicer than just the tee.  A white tee and a white collared shirt are your best friends.  Everyone looks great in a crisp white collared shirt, no matter what size you are!! You can throw a scarf around your neck if there is a chill in the air and look great. Something like this:

Or this:


In the summer, we can wear things like this:

Or this:

I am short so I don't have some of the options that some of my tall readers have so here are a few tips for us "Shorties".  "Petite" women should never wear long skirts.  It makes us look 6 inches shorter.  We should not wear Bermuda shorts.  We should not wear bell bottomed jeans, no matter what real stylists tell us!!  Some of us petite girls are told not to wear Capri pants.  I disagree a little bit.  If they are longer capris, they don't look good on us.  If they are calf length capris, those are fine.  Shorter shorts make our legs look longer!!  We can create that illusion of being tall, even though we are not.  I can't wear long dresses or skirts.  Tall girls can rock those cute Maxi dresses.  We cannot!!  Y'all tall girls, just go on with your bad selves!!  Us short girls will be in our short skirts and dresses. 

We don't have to "dress up" to look nice.  Invest in a nice belt.  I bought a belt from Gap years ago that I only paid $30 for and I wear that thing all the time.  A nice leather belt will usually set you back over $80 but if you think about it, you will wear it with nearly everything from shorts, jeans, capris or even over a cute dress.  Spend a little money on your belt and get a good one.  You can buy less expensive sandals at TJ Maxx or Target to set off your look.

Now, even though I am short, I hate wearing heels unless I am at an event or church.  It isn't practical to wear heels when you are a mother who works at home.  Chasing around children in 6 inch heels is impossible.  Plus, wearing them to the soccer field will ruin the heels!!  Save your heels for church, charity events or maybe even date night!!

Buy some inexpensive jewelry from a downtown boutique or even a vintage store.  Some of the jewelry that my mother wore in the 70's is still in style now.  Layer small bracelets or a silver cuff to dress up an outfit.  Most moms can't afford real gold earrings so just be sure to buy "gold" earrings with sterling posts.  That will make you look great without the expensive price tag.  As the saying goes, fake it 'til you make it!! You don't need a string of $5,000 pearls.  You can get the $20 string and nobody will know the difference.  Here in the South, a string of pearls is an essential part of your jewelry box.  You can raid your mother's jewelry box and find a string.  If they need restringing, you can buy a cheap skinny ribbon and restring them yourself and tie a bow at the end.  Restring them in any color ribbon to go with any outfit.  Simply tie a small knot in the end and roll them onto the next color of ribbon.  Easy!! Also, friends can help with jewelry.  Trade a few necklaces and earring for a month and make a new style!!  Borrowing and trading can be fun!!

Okay, so I hope this helps.  Now, don't judge me if you see me in carpool line with my ball cap on and NO PEARLS!!!  Much love to all of you Moms who work so hard every day!! Your work can often be overlooked unless it is not done.

Lesson #15,148-Summer Time!!

Okay, So, I cannot decide if summer is too long or too short.  Our school runs on a year-round schedule but it is not really "year-round".  They do get about 6-7 weeks in the summer.  That is not very long and we all wish it was longer!!  But then again, if I hear "I'm bored.", "Can somebody come over to spend the night?", "What time will so-in-so be here?", "Can we go bowling?", "Can we go to the record store?", "I don't want to get up", "I don't want to go to the pool, or play soccer outside or ride my bike or do my summer reading or anything else that you suggest"!!!!!  "I'm hungry" is another of my least favorite sentences to hear.  "Can we go to Bojangles?" and "Can you pick me up some Chick-fil-a?" makes me want to cringe.

We are so lame that we didn't eat hotdogs and hamburgers on the 4th of July!!  We ate leftovers from Olive Garden.  How lame is that??  What is wrong with us??  We made up for it today and ate hamburgers for dinner.  Had to do it!  So, Happy 5th of July, People!!  We celebrated Cinco de Julio!

We are heading to the beach in a few days for one more week there before school starts back!  UGH!!  Okay, So is summer too short or too long?  I suppose it is according to the day that you ask me!  I am not looking forward to getting up early again and helping with homework and soccer practices and projects and book reports and all of that again!!  Then again, I won't have to fix lunch and snacks 100 times a day!!  After the beach, all we will have to look forward to is fall break!!  That is my favorite part of the year round schedule! 
 
So, tell me how you all are keeping your children occupied this summer.  Especially if you have an "Only Child"?  We have had a lot of sleepovers!!  Borrowing other people's kids are the way to go when I have only one!  They are probably tired of entertaining their multiples!!  So, I am helping them out, really!!  Right??

Lesson #15,147-Summer Break!!!!!

Okay, so school gets out today, for summer, here in NC.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Super Excited about not having to get up at 6:00am for 7 weeks!  No homework for 7 weeks.  No packing lunches for 7 weeks.  No projects for 7 weeks.  No studying for 7 weeks.  No tests for 7 weeks.  That being said, there is also no going back to bed at 8:30am for 7 weeks.  No lunching with my friends for 7 weeks.  No peace and quiet from 8am-3pm!!  I will be hearing "Mom, I'm bored" about 5,000 times over the next 7 weeks.  I will have to stock up on snacks and lunch food.  There will be stinky teenage boys in my house at all times.  My floors will not be clean for 7 weeks.  There will be cookie crumbs and potato chip crumbs in my sofa cushions for the next 7 weeks.  That's okay though.  Sleeping past 8:00am is a treat for me.  Now I just need to find a quiet hairdryer so my husband doesn't wake me up when he is getting ready for work.  Maybe I can find some earplugs that really work!!  Maybe I can also find a shock collar that shocks my son every time he says "I'm bored"!!

I know that I love summertime and there are some great reasons to love summer break and believe me, I do!!  There are also some great reasons to hate summer break!  I am already dreading the "I'm bored, Mom" and "Mom, can I have a friend over?".  I'm dreading the crumbs and the smelly teenage boys.  I'm dreading the sticky floors and the elevated grocery bills.  However, the warm weather and sleeping for 2 more hours a day may soften the blow!!





I suppose there could be nothing worse than having a kid that has to go to summer school.  That must suck!!

Happy Summer Break, Everyone!!!

Lesson #15,146-I Want a Job!!

Okay, so I have been a SAHM for over 13 years now.  It has been great and I love it but I think I want to start earning my own money.  What kind of jobs are out there for me?  I mean, I now have "Mommy Brain" so I can't remember anything.  My brain has turned to mush!!  I can't remember how to use Excel.  I can't type very fast anymore.  I can't work weekends.  Well, I can but I don't want to.  I can't work evenings either.  Well, I don't want to do that either.  I only want to work from about 10am to 2:00pm.  I take that back.  I need a nap sometimes so I'm gonna need to leave about 12:30.  Are there any jobs that I can work from about 10am to 12:30pm?  Oh and I am going to have to wear my yoga pants because they are very comfortable.  No makeup would be great and if I didn't have to fix my hair that would be a bonus as well!!

Let's see now.  What am I really good at nowadays? I am pretty good at driving carpool.  The kids only have like a tardy or 2 this year.  What else?  I'm great at Facebook and Instagram.  I am an ace at drinking wine and eating crackers and cheese.  I cook really well but I don't bake.  I only like to cook about twice a week so I am really good at making sandwiches.  I'm not great at decorating but I have fabulous boards on Pinterest.  I am great at Internet shopping.  I can win an eBay auction with 2 seconds remaining!! I can do laundry but I don't like putting it away.  I can rearrange a dishwasher so many times that I can get every cup in my cabinets in one load!!  I can clean a cat litter box in 30 seconds.  I can pack a backpack and fix peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with my eyes closed.  They are usually still closed at 6am!!  I give the best kisses and snuggles that my son has ever had!!

Okay, so maybe I should just keep my day job since nobody is hiring for anything that I am good at now.  Plus, I would probably forget to go to work because of my "Mommy Brain".  Being a Mom doesn't pay well but being a Great Mom is worth more than silver and gold.  Better stick with what I know I am good at!!

Lesson #15,145-Happy Freaking Birthday To Me!!

Okay, So this sucks!  When you are turning 43 and not a child anymore, nobody really cares about your birthday.  It's not a milestone birthday like 10, 13, 16, 21, 30, 40, etc.  It's 43.  Whoop Dee Do!  Who cares, really?  I want a damn birthday party!! I want cotton candy!!  I want balloons and a petting zoo and birthday cake and birthday presents and I want everyone to sing "Happy Birthday" to ME!!  Then I want to take a nap.  What am I, 3??  Seriously??  When did we stop getting to have birthday parties?  Would it be frowned upon if I threw myself a birthday party??  I think the older we get the better parties we should get.  Why not?  If nobody will throw you a birthday party, throw yourself one!!  I may be a Birthday Brat this year!!

If I have to buy my own gift, I will.  If I have to buy my own cake, I will.  If I have to have my party catered, I will.  If I have to decorate my own house, I will.  If I have to buy my own balloons, I will.  If I have to send out invitations to my own party, I will.  If I have to buy plates, cups and napkins, I will.  If I have to hire a damn clown, I WILL!!  I want a party!! I want a party!! I want a party!!  Go ahead and call me a Birthday Brat!!

Now what kind of party should I have??  Pool Party?  Roller Skating Party?  Dance Party?  Cookout?  Masquerade Party?  Pizza Party?  Beach Party?  Wine Party?  Ice Cream Party?  Movie Party?  Oh what the heck!! I may have them all in one!!  Just because I can!!  That is the best part about being an adult, we can have any kind of party that we want!!  So bring your beach ball, float, roller skates, dancing shoes, grilling mitts, mask, pizza, bottle of wine, ice cream scoop and your favorite DVD and come on over!!

Life is too short to wait on someone else to throw you a party.  Throw yourself one!!!

Lesson #15,144-IT'S MOTHER'S DAY WEEKEND PEOPLE!!!!

Okay, so it is Mother's Day Weekend!!  YES, WEEKEND!!  Fathers only get Father's Day but Moms get the entire weekend!!  Yes, it is fair!!!  (Unless you are a single father.  Then you get an entire weekend too!!)

So, what do you think your loved ones will give you for Mother's Day?  I am sure that dads and children all over America will be scurrying all day today to find a card and the dads will "allow" the children to pick out a gift for Mom.  Then we get to open the gifts and pretend that the gifts are perfect!!  "Oh, sweetheart, I love this beautiful bunny sweater. I really, really do!"  (UGH)  I have the perfect solution!!  I think I will drag my husband to the mall for the "Perfect" gift for me!!  I will pretend that I want to go with them!!  Genius, right?  Actually, I am just making sure my gift this year doesn't come from CVS off the "As Seen On TV" aisle!!  Although, I do love that stuff, I just don't want to get any of it for Mother's Day.

So, here's to all of you Mothers out there!! I hope you all have a great weekend!! Maybe even get a nap in!!  Wouldn't that be a great weekend?


Happy Mother's Day!!!

Lesson #15,143-What If Life Came With A Keyboard?

Okay, so we all make mistakes and wish we could erase them!!  BACKSPACE!!  Yes, the Backspace key would come in very handy when you say something stupid.  I have this problem.  Sometimes my mouth works way faster than my brain.  I have a sarcastic personality and I am usually joking with someone but say something to the wrong person at the wrong time and they get upset.  If my mouth had a Backspace button, I could just take it back really quick!!  I'm usually joking but some people are grump so.......((Backspace)).

What about the Delete button?  We could just go back and delete sections of time that were "uncomfortable".  How convenient would that be?  You back into a car and leave a big ole dent.  Just hit the Delete button!!  Poof!!  Dent gone!!  How cool would that be?

CAPS LOCK.  When we really, really mean something we could make it clear to other people that we mean business with the CAPS LOCK.  "NO, I DO NOT WANT TO BUY A SUBSCRIPTION TO YOUR MAGAZINE."  "YES, OF COURSE, I WANT VODKA IN MY CRANBERRY JUICE.  WHO DRINKS CRANBERRY JUICE WITHOUT VODKA?"  See what I mean?

Escape.  Yes, the most wonderful key on the keyboard.  I see that annoying person in Target that I don't want to talk to and just hit the Esc button!!  Yep.  I'm gone!!  I'm speeding down the highway and pass a State Trooper. Escape!!  I see a snake in the yard. Escape!! Escape!! Escape!!

Then there is Ctrl+Alt+Del.  This restarts everything.  If we have a crappy day, we can just start all over again.  Have an argument with someone and think of better stuff that you could have said?  Hit Ctrl+Alt+Del!!  Yes!!  Then you can really Zing them with your quick wit!!

Having trouble sleeping at night?  Power down...........................Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Lesson #15,142-If Only These Things Were True!

Okay, so I hear these things all the time and I am really wishing that they were true.  "If you lick the icing off the cupcake, it becomes a muffin.  Muffins are healthy, right?"  I really, really wish this was true because I do love cupcakes!! And muffins.  Just not those whole grain mini muffins with raisins in them.

"The calories go into the doughnut hole".  So, you can eat as many as you want, right?  I mean, it makes sense to me that the calories are flushed right through the doughnut hole!!  Just don't eat the holes!!  I can do that!!  Okay, so it's not true.

What about "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas"?  Not true.  Your friends will tell everyone what you did and will laugh at you forever!

"It's so easy.  I took these diet pills and lost 120 pounds in 6 months."  Lies!!  I took them for one day and thought I had bugs crawling under my skin!  If you can stand the bugs for 6 months, then you probably can lose 120 pounds!!

Don't even get me started on the happy girls wearing tampons!  I'm not that happy when I am not bleeding like a stuck pig!  I sure as heck ain't happy when I am!!  Stop showing women jumping around, dancing, playing tennis, riding horses or swimming!!  We don't do these things when we are doubled over with cramps!

Just once, I would like to get a burger at a burger joint that looks like the ones in the ads!  Just once, I would like to get the rental car that I thought I was getting from the rental car company.  I thought I was getting a convertible Corvette but in reality I got a Kia minivan!!  Just once, I would like an ice cream cake that I didn't have to take a hack saw to!  Who the heck can cut through these things?  My Frosty at Wendy's never has that cute little swirl on top.  What's up with that?  When I order a cute dress from a catalog, why does it never look as good on me as it does that 5'11", 105 pound model?  Just once!!!  Oh and my weight on my driver's license.  Yeah.  That ship sailed when I was 20 years old!!  Just hope they are able to identify me after the added pounds and hair dye. Oh and the 2 inches taller that I told them I was.  Shut up!! You know that you lie too!!  Why do they even ask?

If only these things were true!!

Lesson #15,141-Moms Telling Stories About Blond Moments

Okay, so a bunch of moms got together the other night. (If you live in the South, you know that "the other night" could be last night, 2 nights ago or 6 months ago.)  We were sitting around telling funny stories about things that we had done.  Some of us have some great stories.  Most of them involved doctor's offices. Like the time I asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted his Tetanus shot in.  Well, duh!!  I think I have told the story before but he shook his stump at me and said "Well, what the Hell do you think?".  Cringe worthy moment!!!! I think my blond hair dye soaked clear to the root!!!

My other friend was telling a story about going to the OB/GYN for her yearly physical.  She had finished with her pap smear and breast exam and told the doctor that her boobs were really sore after she ran on the treadmill.  She was concerned that something was wrong with her breasts!  He told her that his wife had the same problem and told her that maybe she just needed better support.  She said that she told him that she had just bought a new pair of running shoes and that couldn't be the problem!! (LOL)  She said he just looked at her and walked out the door.  When he walked out the door she realized that he wasn't talking about support of her arches.  When she walked out of the door of the exam room, her doctor was standing at the end of the hall talking to another doctor and they both just roared with laughter.  She knew immediately that they were laughing at her blond moment! 

Another one of the ladies there that night is an RN and she was telling us about working in a doctor's office and they were doing a proctoscope (it goes in the anus) on an elderly lady and the doctor couldn't get it in.  He turned to her and asked if she would try.  She said, "Sure. I will give it a try".  She said that a minute later she told him that she had gotten it in.  He thought it was great that his nurse had gotten it in and turned around to do the scope.  Well, the doctor went to look around the rectum and he said (loudly) "You've got it in the wrong hole".  They both had to leave the room!  She wondered why the elderly lady had squealed a little when she inserted the scope!

Obviously, we are not rocket scientists!!  Thank God for good friends and good belly laughs!!

Lesson #15,139-Who Could Use a Laugh Right About Now?

Okay, so the past week has been pretty crappy with all of the sadness happening in America.  I think everyone wants to break away from the Boston Marathon murders by those low life thugs.  The horrible explosion in West, Texas.  What is going on in this world?  We all need a laugh.  Well, there was another horrible thing that happened over the weekend.  Did y'all know that Reese Witherspoon (America's Sweetheart) was arrested for disorderly conduct?  What is this world coming to?  She even got out of the car and asked the police officer if he knew who she was.  What the heck?  Seriously?  This made me laugh...He said "No"!  That made my day!  These Hollywood people think they are God's Gift to us all!!  That police officer said that he didn't know who she was!! Hahahaha!!  I bet that knocked her drunk self down a few notches!!

I have a friend who was in a restaurant bar many years ago and an NFL quarterback was in there partying with his friends.  He asked a couple of my friends to come over and sit with them.  She had no idea who he was.  She was just there to have fun.  So they are sitting there talking and having fun and this guy was very arrogant but he was buying drinks so they sat there for a little while.  He finally said to her "You have no idea who I am, do you?" and she said "No".  He said, "I'm Kerry Collins" and she said "Well, I'm Nicolle Allen!!" and he was floored!! He said, "I am the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers" and she said to him "Well maybe if you were Troy Aikman I would have known who you were"!!  Everyone at that table just roared!!! I am sure he had women fawning all over him all the time but not my friend!! She was not impressed!  He went to his car and pouted.  Of course, sitting in a Ferrari probably made soothed his bruised little ego just a little!

This is a funny story about me.  In my former life, before becoming a mom and wife and mommy taxi driver and living this glamorous life of laundry and dishes, I was a medical assistant and worked for a doctors office.  We had many, many hilarious things that happened and usually I was around to see most of them!  One day a man came in the office and had stepped on a nail.  He needed a Tetanus shot.  Well, this man only had one arm.  I always asked which arm a patiend wanted a shot in, so I kept thinking to myself "Don't ask him which arm, Don't ask him which arm, Don't ask him which arm"!  I drew up the Tetanus and walked in the treatment room and he and I were talking and laughing.  He had a great dry sense of humor so he was cracking me up.  After about a minute of talking and getting the alcohol pad, gauze and bandaid ready, I turned right around and asked "Which arm do you want it in?" and he shook his little stump at me and said "Well, what the Hell do you think?"!! Oh my gosh!!! I was mortified!! He just shook his head and laughed at me!!  Can you say cringe worthy moment???

Okay, so now that you have had a laugh at my expense and Kerry Collins' expense.  Have a great day!!

Lesson #15,137-Is Target The Happiest Place On Earth?

Okay, so as a Mom I've seen a lot of stuff.  I've seen real stuff.  I've seen gross stuff and I have seen great stuff.  I have seen happy stuff and I have seen sad stuff.  I have decided that Target really is the happiest place on earth.  Some people say that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth but I don't think that's true.  I saw kids crying and screaming, red-faced and having full on meltdowns at Disneyland.  Clearly, they were coming off sugar rushes and were in desperate need of a nap.  But when you can see the kids back teeth and tonsils, that is a full on tantrum!!!

Some people think that the beach is the happiest place on earth.  Again, not if you're a kid!!  Most of the time kids have sand in every "crack" of their bodies, up their noses and in their eyes.  Then there is sunburn.  The first day at the beach a kid walks away critically injured.  Second degree sunburn on the first day of a week trip to the beach makes for a long week not only for the kid but also for mom!  The sand rash that happens when you play in the sandy, salty water makes for painful urination and bathing for the rest of the week too.  So, the first day of being on the beach may be happy but not the second through sixth day.

I happen to think that the happiest place on earth is, in fact, Target.  I have never seen anyone crying in Target unless they were leaving!!  And those were housewives.  Children walk out happy with their new crap!  Even the 3-year old kids are walking out saying, "I can't wait to wear my new sandals to preschool tomorrow and show that bitch, Emily Margaret.  Imma strut up to her and slap my foot on the ground like a BOSS!!"  Umm Hmm.  Mamas walk out with our new body soap and all kinds of cool stuff from the dollar bins at the door. (Ya know?  Those dollar bins used to all be $1 when they first showed up at the front door but now some have $3 on them but I don't care.  I'm getting that $3 aluminum bucket and gardening gloves and a pack of sports ball erasers and some stars-n-stripes plastic cups!!  Yes, I needed all that crap! And, yes, I know that I only came in here for bandaids.  Who the heck can go in Target for one thing?  I mean, you walk right past the dollar bins for goodness sake!!  You know you NEED those cool cookie cutters!!  One of them has a seal balancing a ball on his nose!!  A SEAL!!! So anyway, I went in for bandaids and came out with a cart full of stuff and $200 poorer.  Still a great day though!! I WENT TO TARGET!!!

Don't you agree that Target is the happiest place on earth?  Well, it is!!

Leson #15,136-Spring Break 2013!!!! Wooooo! Hooooo!

Okay, so Spring Break 2013 is but a memory now. And just like every other "break" that the school offers, it was not a "break" for any Mama that I know!!  It was nice to sleep until 8am but trying to entertain children when they are out of school for one week is not easy.  They want to go and do this and that.  They want to eat every 30 minutes.  They want to play ping pong, use the big TV in the living room, get on the computer or go outside whenever they want to.  This means that Mama is gonna have to get off of her usual schedule.  If Mama watches Jerry Springer at 11am and the kid wants to watch SpongeBob, the kid will win this battle.  If the Mama usually blogs at noon and the kid wants the laptop and a PB&J, the kid will win this battle also.  If Mama usually naps at 2pm and the kid wants to play ping pong, the kid will win this battle!! 

Okay, so our Spring Break consisted of driving 6 hours to the Georgia mountains.  Did you know that there were mountains in Georgia?  Well, there are mountains there!!  Cute little mountain towns with cute little stores everywhere. And, of course, those few strange mountain people who you are sure are in the Witness Protection Program or that they escaped from the crazy farm.  Yep.  They were there too. Problem is...the boys we were there with have no volume button and have no filter and just cannot resist saying whatever comes to mind.  Yes.  We were stared at but who cares??  We were Moms on Spring Break with boys!!! We didn't care who saw us, what they heard, when they saw us or how loud they were.

Thank goodness that we had alcohol in the fridge every night!!  Frozen margaritas were on the menu daily!!  A break just isn't ever going to be a break for Mamas.  I see that now!!  So, Mamas, Get ready for summer break!! It's a comin'!!