Lesson #15,137-Is Target The Happiest Place On Earth?

Okay, so as a Mom I've seen a lot of stuff.  I've seen real stuff.  I've seen gross stuff and I have seen great stuff.  I have seen happy stuff and I have seen sad stuff.  I have decided that Target really is the happiest place on earth.  Some people say that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth but I don't think that's true.  I saw kids crying and screaming, red-faced and having full on meltdowns at Disneyland.  Clearly, they were coming off sugar rushes and were in desperate need of a nap.  But when you can see the kids back teeth and tonsils, that is a full on tantrum!!!

Some people think that the beach is the happiest place on earth.  Again, not if you're a kid!!  Most of the time kids have sand in every "crack" of their bodies, up their noses and in their eyes.  Then there is sunburn.  The first day at the beach a kid walks away critically injured.  Second degree sunburn on the first day of a week trip to the beach makes for a long week not only for the kid but also for mom!  The sand rash that happens when you play in the sandy, salty water makes for painful urination and bathing for the rest of the week too.  So, the first day of being on the beach may be happy but not the second through sixth day.

I happen to think that the happiest place on earth is, in fact, Target.  I have never seen anyone crying in Target unless they were leaving!!  And those were housewives.  Children walk out happy with their new crap!  Even the 3-year old kids are walking out saying, "I can't wait to wear my new sandals to preschool tomorrow and show that bitch, Emily Margaret.  Imma strut up to her and slap my foot on the ground like a BOSS!!"  Umm Hmm.  Mamas walk out with our new body soap and all kinds of cool stuff from the dollar bins at the door. (Ya know?  Those dollar bins used to all be $1 when they first showed up at the front door but now some have $3 on them but I don't care.  I'm getting that $3 aluminum bucket and gardening gloves and a pack of sports ball erasers and some stars-n-stripes plastic cups!!  Yes, I needed all that crap! And, yes, I know that I only came in here for bandaids.  Who the heck can go in Target for one thing?  I mean, you walk right past the dollar bins for goodness sake!!  You know you NEED those cool cookie cutters!!  One of them has a seal balancing a ball on his nose!!  A SEAL!!! So anyway, I went in for bandaids and came out with a cart full of stuff and $200 poorer.  Still a great day though!! I WENT TO TARGET!!!

Don't you agree that Target is the happiest place on earth?  Well, it is!!

Lesson #15,077-50 Shades of Cray Cray!!

The holidays are crazy.  Between the shopping, spending, cooking, visiting, being visited, cleaning. decorating, entertaining and gritting your teeth, the holidays can drive YOU crazy.  You have no excuse not to go and see the people that you only see once a year and you know that you cannot get out of it so you suck it up and cook tons of food and go to Grandma's house and you have to see your crazy Aunt Beverly.  She has always pointed out your flaws at every opportunity.  This is why we only see Aunt Beverly once a year!!  When I was a young teen, I wasn't tall enough. (I never grew so she accepted it.)  When I was a little older, I didn't have any boobs. (Well, they grew when I was like 21-years old.)  Then I wasn't married at 25 so we had to remedy that the next year.  Then for 3 years we didn't have any children so I had to fix that.  I did all of these things in my life just so Aunt Beverly would shut the hell up!  Now I am 42-years old and have a muffin top and you know that old bat had to point out that I had gained some weight.  Again, this is why we see her only once a year.  I suppose she saves up all of her crap, all year long so she can send us all into therapy for the next year.  Oh well, I can wait another year to see Aunt Beverly!! Doesn't everyone have that one person in their family that they can do without seeing?  Crazy Aunts abound!!

If your extended family doesn't drive you crazy, one of your friends' friend might!  I mean, how many parties were we invited to this year?  I know that we are awesome!!  Totally!!  Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday in December there is a party to attend.  Then a couple of parties during the week.  Y'all are about to wear me out!!  I cannot be having a hangover 5 days a week!!  And yes I do have to drink to be at these parties because there is one person at each party that you go to that will be the dreaded "Aunt Beverly" some day!! Ya know the type?  Here goes the conversation:  "So what do you do for a living?" "Well, I am a stay-at-home mom so that keeps me very busy." "Oh.................How cute."  "Cute? What is that supposed to mean?  Only my Aunt Beverly is allowed to say that crap to me."!!!  Yes, you know that there is one of these at every party.  You can try to avoid it like the plague but eventually that person will have annoyed everyone else and you will be the last victim of the night!!

Shopping may make you crazy if the parties and the family haven't driven you there already!  Large crowds, grumpy shoppers, rude sales clerks, no parking spaces, long lines at the registers, limited merchandise, uncomfortable shoes, you know what I mean, right?  And forget gift wrapping anymore.  You're lucky if you can even get a box for your shirt!! Half the time they don't even have one of those left!!  The rude clerk just says, "Sorry, we are out of boxes" in that rude voice.  (Like that is going to make it better!! Now I have to go to Target and get some shirt boxes!!  And then I get to go home and wrap the gifts myself!!)  When you are the "stay-at-home mom" you end up doing all of the shopping except for yourself and sometimes you end up doing some of that too!! Not only do you have to buy everyone's gifts, you have to buy the groceries too!!  Oh and don't let one bag of cookie mix go unbaked because the men in your house will drive you crazy until you have fixed all 140 dozen cookies!!

Anyway, after all of the craziness of the holidays, it is nice to just take a nerve pill, have a glass of wine, take an Ambien and go to bed!!  Just breathe.  Take a deep breath, swallow your pills and forget about your crazy family, crazy people at parties and crazy sales clerks.  If you don't, it will make you 50 shades of crazy!!  So, everyone have a wonderful New Years party and forgive Aunt Beverly and the soon-to-be Aunt Beverlys in your life!!

Lesson #15,074-Men Need Banged Up Side The Head Sometimes

If your man is like mine, he doesn't get subtle hints.  He doesn't get obvious hints.  He, most of the time, doesn't get it when I come right out and say, "This is what I want"!  I have been married for 16 years and have been with the same man for 19 years.  God love him but he gives horrible gifts.  He's a good man, a good provider and a good husband and father but he is a horrible gift giver.  He was brought up only getting one gift from his parents on Christmas and birthdays were not a big deal.  I always got tons of gifts for Christmas and my parents always made a big deal of birthdays.  Yes, we literally grew up on opposite sides of the world.  He has learned to take part in Thanksgiving, Independence Day and all other American holidays that he didn't grow up celebrating but his gift giving skills have not improved much.  Sooooo.  I had to resort to the hinting.  Well, that didn't go so well.  A few years ago there was a jacket that I wanted and so I hinted about where it was and how much I liked it.  Bless his heart, he went to the mall and went to JC Penny and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  Then he went to Sears and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  Then he went to some store that I have never heard of and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  I am pretty sure he could have bought the jacket that I wanted if he wouldn't have bought 3 ugly ones that I didn't.  Oh well. Don't get me wrong. I love a clearance rack, just not those!!

I do believe that I have seriously figured out a way to get just what I want.  I want a pair of Bailey Button, Size 6, Ugg Boots, Chestnut in color.  I found the cheapest ones on the Internet and emailed him the link.  I even told him that was all I wanted.  Seriously, since I bought myself all of those great clothes at GAP and J. Crew when I was supposed to be Christmas shopping, I don't need anything else.  Honestly, we are going to help some other families who aren't as fortunate as we are and I feel like a big ole piece of crap asking for another handbag or piece of jewelry that I don't need.  I'm not a big jewelry person anyway.  I would rather have a couple nice pieces of jewelry and have plenty of shoes than only get jewelry at every occasion.  Don't get me wrong.  I would never turn away one of those little blue boxes with a white bow.  I ain't no fool!  However, I love shoes!! I have an obsession with shoes.  If I were a billionaire I would have a library of shoes to go with my tshirts!! (Y'all know I love a nice tshirt!)

So, ladies, if you want something, just send your man an email with what you want.  He will probably appreciate you not hinting and not sending him out shopping like a lost sheep and he will appreciate you not wasting his time.  Most men that I know are black & white beings.  Women are gray area experts but men hate gray areas.  Just bang him up side the head with the truth and don't beat around the bush about it!!  He will love you for it!!  I will let you know if he is able to follow directions on December 25th!!!!  I am sure that there will be another Christmas with jackets off the clearance rack from JC Penny again but this year, he has no excuse!!


((Did I really just write another blog about buying me Christmas gifts?? Yeah, I think I did!!))

Lesson #15,073-Yeah, I Better Get To Shopping!

Okay, so, we are what 2 weeks away from the big day and I have not bought one Christmas present yet.  I suppose I had better get on that immediately since I only have one week before school is out.  It is just overwhelming, ya know?  I mean, I went shopping last week but all I found was stuff for me.  People say that Christmas is about the giving and not the receiving but I say, "Blah, Blah, Blah".  It's really about me getting some new stuff for at least 40% off the regular price.  I spent $150 in GAP and "saved" $197.  See?? I saved money on myself!!!! If only my husband thought the same way that my GAP receipt does.  I say "But look, honey, I saved $197" and he spoils it by saying, "No, HONEY, you spent $150"!!  UGH!!! I don't even want to tell you what I "Saved" at J. Crew!! I'm tired of this "giving" thing!! I want to "receive"!!  What's wrong with that?  It's all about doing for others!! Puke!! Besides, I have to do all of the shopping so there is all of this temptation all around me in every store except Bass Pro Shops, no I take that back there's good stuff in there too!!  I have even been in Tractor Supply and found some cute rain boots!! That is a farm store for Pete's Sake!!! I cannot be trusted at a mall!! I cannot be trusted at TJ Maxx!! I cannot be trusted in a boutique!! A strip mall, a home goods store or even Costco!!

So, what is a shopaholic to do when I am supposed to be buying for others?  I suppose I could make a list and stick to it. (What fun is that?)  I could only shop in a discount store. (Where I don't shop for clothes or shoes.)  I could shop at Lowe's. (But they have nice stuff too!)  Maybe Internet shopping is the answer.  But gosh darn it they have "suggestions" for me on the side as soon as I look up an item and I do love those ceramic birds from One Kings Lane!!  How does this website know that I am a member of Beyond The Rack?  Yahoo knows EVERYTHING!!! Every time I turn on my computer and my homepage comes up they have suggestions on the side for me!! So I'm like reading the headlines of the day and BAM!! there is my favorite stuff from Pottery Barn on the side of the page.  It is all of the stuff that I put in my shopping cart just to see how much it would cost to redo my living room and wow, oh, wow I sure do want that white sofa with slip covers and those chevron pillows.  Oh sorry!! See I can't even write this blog without getting side tracked by shopping for ME!!

Okay, I've gotta go.  I've really got to shop for others now...I'll let you know tomorrow what I buy myself!!  Merry Christmas to me, From me!!