Lesson #15,073-Yeah, I Better Get To Shopping!

Okay, so, we are what 2 weeks away from the big day and I have not bought one Christmas present yet.  I suppose I had better get on that immediately since I only have one week before school is out.  It is just overwhelming, ya know?  I mean, I went shopping last week but all I found was stuff for me.  People say that Christmas is about the giving and not the receiving but I say, "Blah, Blah, Blah".  It's really about me getting some new stuff for at least 40% off the regular price.  I spent $150 in GAP and "saved" $197.  See?? I saved money on myself!!!! If only my husband thought the same way that my GAP receipt does.  I say "But look, honey, I saved $197" and he spoils it by saying, "No, HONEY, you spent $150"!!  UGH!!! I don't even want to tell you what I "Saved" at J. Crew!! I'm tired of this "giving" thing!! I want to "receive"!!  What's wrong with that?  It's all about doing for others!! Puke!! Besides, I have to do all of the shopping so there is all of this temptation all around me in every store except Bass Pro Shops, no I take that back there's good stuff in there too!!  I have even been in Tractor Supply and found some cute rain boots!! That is a farm store for Pete's Sake!!! I cannot be trusted at a mall!! I cannot be trusted at TJ Maxx!! I cannot be trusted in a boutique!! A strip mall, a home goods store or even Costco!!

So, what is a shopaholic to do when I am supposed to be buying for others?  I suppose I could make a list and stick to it. (What fun is that?)  I could only shop in a discount store. (Where I don't shop for clothes or shoes.)  I could shop at Lowe's. (But they have nice stuff too!)  Maybe Internet shopping is the answer.  But gosh darn it they have "suggestions" for me on the side as soon as I look up an item and I do love those ceramic birds from One Kings Lane!!  How does this website know that I am a member of Beyond The Rack?  Yahoo knows EVERYTHING!!! Every time I turn on my computer and my homepage comes up they have suggestions on the side for me!! So I'm like reading the headlines of the day and BAM!! there is my favorite stuff from Pottery Barn on the side of the page.  It is all of the stuff that I put in my shopping cart just to see how much it would cost to redo my living room and wow, oh, wow I sure do want that white sofa with slip covers and those chevron pillows.  Oh sorry!! See I can't even write this blog without getting side tracked by shopping for ME!!

Okay, I've gotta go.  I've really got to shop for others now...I'll let you know tomorrow what I buy myself!!  Merry Christmas to me, From me!!

Life Lesson #15,027-Feel Good About Yourself. Go to Walmart

Life Lesson #15,027-Feel Good About Yourself. Go to Walmart

Now I swear I am not being judgmental but if you really want to feel good about yourself, just walk around Walmart for an hour.   Trust me, you will see much larger muffin tops than you have.  You will see much worse hairdos than you have.  You will see much worse wardrobes than you have.  You will see much worse teeth than you have.  You will see at least 5 fake Louis Vuitton bags. (And I mean really bad fakes. Not the semi expensive ones.) You will see people who literally just rolled out of bed.  PJs and bed head and all. Maybe even a pair of slippers.  You will see much worse parenting skills than you have.  I have seen a full on beating of a kid who needed it in Walmart.  (I'm not for abusing children so don't message me but that kid needed his butt beat!!) 

Before you even get out of your car, you will see reasons why you probably shouldn't go inside The Walmart.  (Around here it is called "The Walmart".) There are people who have parked their beat up Volvos taking up 2 spaces.  Now, really.  If I can park my big ole tank in one space surely you can park your Volvo with a door that's a different color than the rest of the car in one space!!  Then you will see carts, buggies, whatever you call them, littering the parking lot.  I mean, there are 15 cart return places taking up 30 parking spaces littered all over the parking lot and you couldn't return your cart to one of them? Really?  Then you will see the people in the parking lot and you think to yourself, "Is it safe to go inside?" but you do it anyway.  Why is that?  Of course, it's because you want to feel good about yourself.  You look like a darn beauty queen going into that place!!  But hey, if you don't want to put on makeup or even brush your teeth, you probably won't be the worst looking person there!! 

I say we should all be required to go to Walmart once per week just so our self esteem is bolstered! Who doesn't want to be the best looking person in the room?  At Walmart, it ain't that hard!!  Now don't get me wrong. I love The Walmart when I need it.  I mean where else can you get paint, ammo and cup-o-soup?  Nowhere!! You will see it all at Walmart.  From circus freaks to society's elite.  We all need Walmart once in a while!  So get on out to your local Walmart and see what you can see!! Trust me, you will feel much better about yourself when you leave!

Life Lesson #15,021-I'm perfectly happy with my house until the next catalog comes

Life Lesson #15,021-I'm Perfectly Happy With My House Until The Next Catalog Comes
Well, my house was great and then I got the new Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware catalogs.  Now I need new duvet covers, drapes and towels.  Oh and rugs.  I hate my rugs. Well except for the one tapestry rug that I own.  You know?  The one rug in my house that the cats throw up on? One rug!!! One!!! Every time!!! I mean these cats will run from upstairs with vomit about to spew from their ears to throw up on this rug. They know that it is my one nice rug.  Otherwise, they would throw up on the hardwood floors or bathmats. I have high maintenance cats.  That's what it is.  My cats are high maintenance!!  Anyway, now I need all new stuff!

Then I start looking at Crate & Barrel and Pier One and now I know how much I need to replace my china, flatware and all of my different glasses.  Maybe I could give my china to my cats!! Ya know?  Since they know the good stuff. Oh and I need some new table cloths and place mats for the cats to lay on.

Then I get tons of clothing catalogs and I begin to hate all of my clothes.  I need this and I need that!! More jeans.  More tops.  More sweaters.  More shirts.  Another winter coat.  New belts and scarves. You get my drift, right?

Oh and I get Home Decorators and Ballard Design.  I need all new home decor.  My pictures are not as cute as theirs.  My picture frames are dated.  My knick knacks are old and dusty and my lamps aren't glamorous enough.  I need some more fabulous down pillows for my couch.  Oh and my couch!! It needs replacing!! There are some great ones in these catalogs.  Love the ones with tan ticking. Oh sorry! I spaced on the new couches and pillows again!!

I got this catalog today called Grandinroad.  Now I need new decorations for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas!! All of mine suck! They have a Christmas mantel scarf that is so stinking cute!!  Oh and real looking mummies for Halloween!!!  What am I going to do??  I don't have this kind of money!!  I may have to put off my Botox this month.  Oh who am I trying to kid?  I'm not doing that!!

Then I look at Pinterest.  My entire house sucks!! I give up!! Never ever, ever look at Pinterest!! You may as well live in a tent because there are actually people with limestone floors, marble counter tops and loggias with views of the infinity pools.

Okay, blog readers, thank you for reading my crazy rant but now I cannot live in my house.  I will do my next blog from my car...

 

Life Lesson #15,009-Winning The Lottery Would Not Change Me

Life Lesson #15,009-Winning The Lottery Would Not Change Me
What happens to people when they come into a lot of money?  Why are so many of them bankrupt within a few years?  I mean, seriously, how does this happen?  You see it all of the time.  Someone wins the lottery or stops getting millions per year for their sports contracts and they are in the poor house.  Do they just go crazy?  That would never happen to me, right?  Or would it?  If I won millions in the lottery I would definitely have to have a beach house.  Then I would have a buyer from Pottery Barn come and furnish and decorate the house.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Pottery Barn!!! I could go into any Pottery Barn and buy anything I wanted without having to ask how much it costs!! OH YEAH!! That would be my dream!!  I don't have to go to some fancy furniture store with outrageous prices if I could just afford anything I wanted from Pottery Barn. I have actually looked at the Pottery Barn website and put everything that I wanted in the "Cart".  Hahahaha!! They sent me emails reminding me of the items that were still in my "Cart" the next day!!  I bet they did want that sale!! Oh Boy, did they want that sale!!  I had beds, living room furniture, side tables, bed linens and the very best pillows that you could ever buy. Sure do wish I could have "Checked Out"!

But seriously, what else would I not be able to live without if I won the lottery?  Hmmm.  Yep, I'm good with just the beach house.  No, wait.  If I had a beach house then I would need a Jeep to keep at the beach.  My husband would want me to buy him a red Porsche.  Should I or shouldn't I?  Okay, I will buy him one of those.  But that's it!!!  Wait, my son would want a house in the mountains.  We would have to get one of those. Then I would need a nice Range Rover to drive when we are there.  So the Range Rover and the mountain house, the Jeep, the Porsche and the beach house and all of the Pottery Barn furniture for BOTH houses now that I have 2 vacation homes.  But that's it!!  What about a really big house here at home though?  Yes!! And, of course, I need Pottery Barn to come and outfit my new house.  Then we will need a pool, pool house, tennis court, basketball court and soccer field.  Of course, I may need a new wardrobe, new Christian Louboutin shoes and some of those Birkin bags. Some of those Birkin bags are over $100,000.  I think since I am a new millionaire I will not buy those.  I will just buy one of the $25,000 bags. Ya know, the cheaper version. Oh and then I will need a convertible Mercedes-Benz to drive around town and to the mall.  Oh, maybe I should get one of those Maserati's.  Yes, I will get a blue Maserati!! I love being Nuveau Riche!! Hmm.  Maybe I am running low on money.  I better check.  Yep.  I need to call the bank because I have an NSF check to the Maserati dealership!!  See, I am broke already!!

Maybe God should let someone else win that lottery!  I may be one of those homeless people who were once filthy rich!!  I guess I figured it out.  It really is possible to win the lottery and go bankrupt fairly quickly!!