Lesson #15,113-Valentine's Day

Okay, so today is Valentine's Day.  Whoop dee frickin' do!  After 20 years together, it is just another day.  I know that I won't be getting a little blue box with a white ribbon.  I know I won't be getting a pair of Christian Louboutin's.  I know I won't be getting a Chanel bag.  I know I won't be getting a sable coat.  I really don't care if I get flowers anymore.  When I am a stay-at-home mom, there's nobody here to rub them in their faces!!!!  The cats don't care if I get flowers.  Actually, they do enjoy chewing the leaves off of them!  When I worked and had an office full of women, I could say "Look what my hubby sent.  Oh, your hubby didn't send you any?  That's too bad. But aren't mine pretty?"  So, now it's no fun!!  There will be no love letters or poetry! Not that there ever was anyway!!  No boxes of chocolate either.  Who cares?

Maybe we will change it up this year.  I think that in lieu of a Valentine, we should make fun of the day by sending each other pictures of Grumpy Cat and telling each other why we don't hate one another.  "Honey, I don't hate you because you pay my Visa bill every month!"  "Darling, I don't hate you because you put your clothes in the clothes hamper yesterday!"  "Sweetheart, I don't hate you because you let me order pizza 3 nights in a row!"  "Babe, I don't hate you because you washed the Cadillac this past weekend."  "Lovie, I don't hate you because you let me sleep until 10:00 on Saturday and fixed your own breakfast!"

Maybe we should send Valentines to our exes and thank them for breaking up with us.  "Thank you, ex, for breaking up with me because I would be living in a single-wide out in the country, hoping to someday be able to pay our rent on time and dreaming of being able to have a keg of beer at our next party."  "Thank you, ex, for breaking up with me because having 7 children and driving a 4-wheel drive truck isn't really my dream."  "Thank you, ex, for breaking up with me because going out to dinner at Hardee's isn't really going out to dinner."  My palate has refined over the past 20 years!!  I no longer drink wine coolers.  I no longer smoke Marlboro Reds.  I no longer think Myrtle Beach is a vacation destination.  Yep, I'm fancy now!!  I want an umbrella in my drink!!

To all of my readers, I hope your Valentine's Day dreams come true.  Just don't count on it!!  Don't expect much and you'll never be disappointed.  If you have been married for a long time to the same man and haven't been abused in any way, live a pretty good life, he isn't crazy, he treats you with love and respect, he lets you order pizza and wear your pajamas all day if you want to, then thank God for your Valentine!!  He's a keeper!!  If he rubs your leg even when you haven't shaved, he's a keeper!!  If he could care less if you have had a pedicure or not, he's a keeper!  If he still loves you even with stretch marks and a fat stomach or butt and a chicken neck, he's a keeper!!  True love goes through many phases.  If at the end, you can still stand to hear each other breathe, you have found your match!


If you don't have a sweetheart, don't lose hope!!  The chocolate will be 1/2 price tomorrow at the grocery store!!!

Lesson #15,105-The Super Bowl

Okay, so there is this game that's played once a year.  Whoever wins the game gets to say that they are the Super Bowl Champs.  This is the game that men look forward to every year.  The build up begins as soon as the football season begins.  So let me tell you what I remember about all of the previous Super Bowl games.  Well, there are 2 teams, great TV commercials, a pretty good halftime show and wardrobe malfunctions.  We all eat too much junk food and break our diets.  Chicken wings and Chili.  Chips and Dip. Sodas and Beer.  Be sure to make Super Bowl Sunday your "Cheat Day" if you get one on your New Year's Diet!! 

The game pretty much goes like this...(1) The National Anthem-(Everyone trying to outdo Whitney Houston's rendition but failing miserably!!)  (2) The Kick Off.  (3) The First Home Run.  I mean Touchdown. (4) Trips back to the kitchen to refill the plates with junk food.  (5)  The men and women split up.  The men take the den and the women take the living room.  The men actually like to watch the game and the women like to talk during the game and watch the commercials.  So to keep everyone from shushing each other we separate!! 

If any of you women want anything, just ask during the Super Bowl because the men aren't listening to anything we say and we will have witnesses to the "conversation"!!  I totally did this..."Honey, can I buy that Louis Vuitton bag that I have been wanting?"  "Umm Hmm".  YAY!!!!!  Louis Vuitton here I come!!!  I have 2 witnesses to that conversation!!!  This will be important because when he sees the charge on the credit card, he will start screaming!!  I will have to call my witnesses to the stand.  Of course, he will have his "witnesses" who will say that the conversation never happened!!  (They weren't listening either!!  Their wives have new shoes and a new diamond bracelet!!  I heard the entire conversation that they had with their husbands too!!!)  I don't know or care who won the game last night but I am going shopping!!!  Wish me luck when the charge hits the credit card!!

Lesson #15,104-PMS. Fact or Fiction?

Okay, so all of us who have had a period know that PMS is real but how do our men know when it is safe to say anything to us?  Do they keep a calendar?  Do they just take their chances?  Do they dare not to care if we are PMSing?  Seriously.  What do they do? 

I think I may have used the "I'm PMSing" even when I wasn't.  I may have said things that I shouldn't have said way before PMS started just to get it off my chest!  Is that wrong?  Sometimes you just want to have a free pass to say whatever is on your mind without repercussions, right?  I mean, is it really necessary to pull off your socks inside out every time you take off your socks?  Must you leave a sugar trail from the sugar dish across the counter every time you make yourself a cup of coffee?  Must you hang your towel on the door knob instead of the towel rack every time you take a shower?  MUST YOU THROW WATER ALL OVER THE COUNTER IN THE BATHROOM WHEN YOU SHAVE?  Don't worry, dahling.  I will clean it up!!!!!!!  I'm sorry, Honey!  I had PMS when I said those nasty things to you.  (Or did I?)  He will never know.

Our poor husbands!!  They never know when they are safe from the tyranny of us.  We really need to use this excuse to the fullest.  I don't care how old you are.  If you are 65 and no longer PMS you can still use it because they will never know.  Women can always use the excuse that we are "Hormonal" and the men in our lives just know to be quiet!  Men have it so easy.  They have one hormone to worry about.  Testosterone!!  If one of our hormones gets out of whack OH BOY can our attitudes go off the rails!!  My husband must think that PMS lasts for 30 days a month because I use that excuse all of the time!!  His real fear is that PMS is fiction and he just married a raging lunatic!!  Bless His Heart!! Just bring me chocolate and roses every day and life will be much easier!!  Oh and never complain about anything that I do!!  Ever!! Okay??

Lesson #15,101-The "Honey Do" List

Okay, so my "Honey Do" List got way too long so I had to Rent-a-Man.  This man came to my house, fixed my ceiling fan, that was about to fall out of the ceiling, my pantry door that sticks, patched the wall in the hall, and the list goes on and on.  Do you know that he never once complained about having to do everything on that list??  If he was rich, good looking, had all of his teeth, didn't smell of cigarettes and had his driver's license, I might just have ran away with him!  But alas, my husband is good looking, has all of his teeth, doesn't smoke, has his driver's license and has enough money for me to stay.  Poor man!! 

The Honey Do List seems to grow longer and longer every year that we are in this house.  Don't get me wrong, I love my house and am so thankful for a nice roof over my head but being in this house for 7 years, stuff needs repairing!!  The walls are looking dingy and are in need of repainting.  Caulking cracks.  Grout gets dirty.  Stuff around the house needs to be done and it is stuff that I don't know how to do and a man with an MBA and a full-time job has no idea how to do so what do we do??  Rent-A-Man!! 

Some day I may even have to Rent-A-Man to build me a shoe closet.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man to put a covering over my back porch.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man to build one of those fire pits with the glass rocks.  Some day I may have to Rent-A-Man who will just do laundry and dishes!!!  Are there men out there who actually do laundry and dishes?  Oh well.  In the meantime, I will just keep my man since he allowed me to Rent-A-Man!!!

Lesson #15,084-Public Restrooms!!!!

What is the deal with public restrooms?  There is always a wait for the restroom if you are in the Women's line.  If builders would put a changing station in the Men's room, maybe the wait at McDonald's wouldn't be so long!!  Men are not handicapped.  They can change a diaper!!  Oh and what is up with the number of stalls that women have at concerts, ballgames, races and at the circus?  Men and women attend these events so why not give us twice as many stalls as the men have?  I mean, we have to wait, go in the stall, pull our pants down, squat, pee and wipe.  Then we go and actually wash our hands because we aren't disgusting like men are.  It takes us at least three times as long to go so why make us wait so long?  Men go in, unzip, pee and shake.  Some of them wash their hands and some even use soap but they still don't take as long as we do so give us more stalls!!! 

Heaven forbid a woman actually has an emergency and has to go quickly!!!  If you even think about cutting in line, a usually peaceful and sweet woman will CUT you!!  You can't cut in line in the grocery store so what makes you think that you are gonna get past a woman in line to pee?  It ain't gonna happen!  DO NOT make a woman mad when she has to pee!!  Trust me on this!!  Especially if that woman has given birth to a child.  She is already holding it in as hard as she can.  She will wet her pants to whoop your butt!
 

I went to see James Taylor at our local outdoor amphitheater and all of the restrooms were out of order so they had about 15-20 porta johns all along the back fence and the men and women were waiting in line together.  Now these porta johns didn't even have a light so we were all peeing in the dark.  You can imagine how gross that was already and there were women who refused to go in the dark porta johns and were peeing behind every "stall".  That was horrible!!  Thank God I always carry my trusty "Charmin To Go" in my purse so I had toilet paper.  I never go anywhere without it!!  Even if I have a teeny purse, I have my Charmin To Go roll in my purse.  You will never catch me without TP!!  Thank you, Charmin, for that little roll of Heaven!!

Speaking of toilet paper.  Why is it that every public restroom only has one-ply toilet paper?  We use twice as much so you should just buy the good stuff!!  And those HUGE rolls!! They do not unroll!!  You pull and pull and you only get two tickets each time you pull!!  When you get two tickets each time and you are pulling one-ply toilet paper, it takes a long time to get enough toilet paper to wipe clean.

My least favorite thing about a public restroom is children.  If they are in the stall next to someone they have to look under the stall at you.  If they knock on the stall door and you say that it is occupied, they have to look under the door just to see if you are serious.  Oh and my most favorite memory is taking my son in the stall with me and the lady "next door" lets out a little toot and my son says, LOUDLY, "Mom, did you hear that lady fart?" and then giggles for the next 30 minutes.  Oh how embarrassing!!  That's why children are my least favorite thing about a public restroom!!  But don't even get me started on the huge crack between the door and the wall!!! Everyone waiting in line can see you peeing!!!!! UGH!!

Lesson #15,074-Men Need Banged Up Side The Head Sometimes

If your man is like mine, he doesn't get subtle hints.  He doesn't get obvious hints.  He, most of the time, doesn't get it when I come right out and say, "This is what I want"!  I have been married for 16 years and have been with the same man for 19 years.  God love him but he gives horrible gifts.  He's a good man, a good provider and a good husband and father but he is a horrible gift giver.  He was brought up only getting one gift from his parents on Christmas and birthdays were not a big deal.  I always got tons of gifts for Christmas and my parents always made a big deal of birthdays.  Yes, we literally grew up on opposite sides of the world.  He has learned to take part in Thanksgiving, Independence Day and all other American holidays that he didn't grow up celebrating but his gift giving skills have not improved much.  Sooooo.  I had to resort to the hinting.  Well, that didn't go so well.  A few years ago there was a jacket that I wanted and so I hinted about where it was and how much I liked it.  Bless his heart, he went to the mall and went to JC Penny and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  Then he went to Sears and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  Then he went to some store that I have never heard of and bought me a warm up jacket off the clearance rack.  I am pretty sure he could have bought the jacket that I wanted if he wouldn't have bought 3 ugly ones that I didn't.  Oh well. Don't get me wrong. I love a clearance rack, just not those!!

I do believe that I have seriously figured out a way to get just what I want.  I want a pair of Bailey Button, Size 6, Ugg Boots, Chestnut in color.  I found the cheapest ones on the Internet and emailed him the link.  I even told him that was all I wanted.  Seriously, since I bought myself all of those great clothes at GAP and J. Crew when I was supposed to be Christmas shopping, I don't need anything else.  Honestly, we are going to help some other families who aren't as fortunate as we are and I feel like a big ole piece of crap asking for another handbag or piece of jewelry that I don't need.  I'm not a big jewelry person anyway.  I would rather have a couple nice pieces of jewelry and have plenty of shoes than only get jewelry at every occasion.  Don't get me wrong.  I would never turn away one of those little blue boxes with a white bow.  I ain't no fool!  However, I love shoes!! I have an obsession with shoes.  If I were a billionaire I would have a library of shoes to go with my tshirts!! (Y'all know I love a nice tshirt!)

So, ladies, if you want something, just send your man an email with what you want.  He will probably appreciate you not hinting and not sending him out shopping like a lost sheep and he will appreciate you not wasting his time.  Most men that I know are black & white beings.  Women are gray area experts but men hate gray areas.  Just bang him up side the head with the truth and don't beat around the bush about it!!  He will love you for it!!  I will let you know if he is able to follow directions on December 25th!!!!  I am sure that there will be another Christmas with jackets off the clearance rack from JC Penny again but this year, he has no excuse!!


((Did I really just write another blog about buying me Christmas gifts?? Yeah, I think I did!!))

Lesson #15,064-The Man Cold

Oh my gosh!! There is a horrible illness that I would not wish on anyone.  It must be the most awful disease that has ever afflicted mankind.  I don't think any woman would know about it because apparently we are immune to it.  It only happens in the human male species.  It's called The Man Cold.  This illness renders our men helpless.  The afflicted man can only lay on the couch, watch TV, nap, cough, sneeze, snort, complain, order hot cocoa and food, whine, and be helpless.  It is like having an infant again.  Every little thing must be attended to by a man's wife!  The poor, sick man can only use his fingers to change the channel on the TV remote and to text his wife when he needs something else, even if she is in the same room with him.  Poor baby, can't even speak!!!  I am thrilled that I am a woman and can never, ever get The Man Cold.  I mean, thank God!!  It is supposedly worse than the swine flu, cancer or childbirth.  I know that having a C-section was really rough and even being so anemic that my hemoglobin was only 4, (Yes, 4!!) but apparently this Man Cold is serious business.  Maybe when men become infected with the virus they should be admitted directly into ICU.  I mean, who better to take care of these helpless little men, than highly trained Registered Nurses??  There is usually a doctor around the unit so there would be care provided 24/7.  Or maybe there is some sort of medication that could be administered that would keep him in a medically induced coma until the illness has run its' course.

(Bad word alert.  Sorry but it is funny!!)


Now why is it that a woman can have the same symptoms but for some reason, it isn't that bad?  Or is it that moms never stop?  Are men just big babies or are women just tougher?  They say that we are the weaker sex but seriously if you have ever seen a man with a tiny cold, you know who is the weaker sex!! I mean, REALLY!!!???!!!  Okay, so all the women should go out and get multivitamins, Echinacea, protein shakes, herbal teas, anything to keep our men healthy!!!  Don't let this happen to your man!!!