Lesson #150,156-What Not To Give As a Christmas Gift

What Not To Give As A Christmas Gift

Okay, so 'Tis the Season, Right?  'Tis not the season for Re-gifting.  Well, turns out, it is. 

Bath Salts

Nobody really wants bath salts.  Nobody really uses bath salts.  Nobody has time for a bath.  Bath salts never really melt.  They just float around on top of the water or sink to the bottom of the tub, making it uncomfortable to move around.  I think that there have only really been a few bottles of bath salts ever purchased and they just keep getting passed around from friend to friend.  The bottles may get used once but never again because the crunchy pebbles do not relax you.  If anything, they stress you out.  First, they won't melt.  Second, they hurt your bottom.  Third, they are supposed to de-stress but the end up "distressing" the user. Forth, since they never melt, you have to clean the tub and rake the granules down the drain.  Last, you have to keep the bottle of bath salts visible in your bathroom, just in case your friend ever needs to use the upstairs bathroom in the master bedroom so that they can possibly, maybe see that you appreciate their gift.  Yes, the bottle is dusty and only one scoop has been used but what if Martha shows up to your house and wants to use your bathroom, even though there are 2 other bathrooms in your home and one is downstairs??  They must be on display!!

Christmas Mugs

Doesn't everyone already have 15 odd Christmas mugs in their cabinet already?  If you come to my house in July and want a cup of coffee, you will probably drink it from one of our Christmas mugs.  There is a Santa one.  A snowflake one.  A couple of tall snowmen mugs. One with an elf.  I can't even find my real coffee mugs because of all of the Christmas mugs in my cabinet.  If you are buying me a Christmas mug, go ahead and buy an entire set so that everyone can have the same mug to drink from.

A Single Christmas Ornament

At our age, we are all funny about our Christmas trees.  Some people have one Christmas tree and some have 15 but we have our decorations for all of our trees carefully planned out already.  Strategically, placed blue and silver trees.  A kitchen tree with food items.  Our children's tree with all of the ornaments that they have made or collected over the years. Our main tree with all our finest collections of ornaments and bows and such.  We don't want a single Christmas ornament to have to hang on the back of the tree!!  Yes, that is where a single, but nice, Christmas ornament goes.  The dreaded back of the tree.

A Scented Candle

Everyone loves for their home to smell good but that one scented candle that has sat on your bar for the past year, is not the perfect last minute hostess gift.  You know that it is dusty.  You know that you have dusted off an unlit candle and put it in a used gift bag before.  Admit it.  Scented candles are pretty and smell good to some people but most people get a headache from a scented candle.  Plus, if you are serving food, a scented candle is not a good idea.  It changes the flavor of the food because of the sense of smell.  Now if you have a room full of people who have mutant noses that have no more sense of smell, feel free, but please spare the rest of us the pain of the migraine from your scented candle.  (Now, I am preaching to myself here because I have one candle in my bathroom that is scented and I do light it when people are coming over just in case anyone needs to, ya know, do a quick #2 in the downstairs bathroom that everyone else is using.) 

Best Friends Picture Frame

Okay, so everyone has more than one friend who thinks that they are your best friend.  When you give Martha a framed photo of yourself and her on vacation together in a "Best Friends" picture frame, you know that will hurt Tara's feelings if she sees that.  Maybe you just want to lay claim to Martha.  Maybe you want to give ole Tara a hint.  Me and Martha are Best Friends and you, Tara, are the other friend.  WE are "Best Friends"!!  Plus, you just added to Martha's list of items to dust. 

"Basically, anything that needs to be fed, watered or dusted is a bad idea."-Susan Radford (The new Emily Post)  This includes plants, pets or picture frames.  Susan also says that any kind of food or alcohol is proper.  Anyone who knows Susan knows that she isn't kidding.  You may never drink the bottle of Johnny Walker but someone who visits your home in the next 10 years may want a shot of Johnny Walker.  That makes it proper, unless the person that you give it to is a recovering alcoholic.  Then you may have made a horrible decision in bringing your dusty bottle of Johnny Walker.

Good ideas:

Who doesn't like a lantern?  Who doesn't like a lantern with goodies inside of it?

Another great idea, especially if you are staying overnight.  This idea lets the host know that they do not have to get up early in the morning and make a big breakfast.  It will be of great relief to the host that you won't be a high maintenance guest.


This is a great idea, especially if you are visiting friends or family who do not drink alcohol.  You bring your own, drink it when you feel is proper and leave the beautiful bottle as the gift to the friend or family member.  If someone is opposed to alcohol for themselves for religious reasons or for health reasons, this will keep your host from feeling like they have to go and buy alcohol for you to drink.


To me this is the best gift ever!!!  It shows me that you are willing to eat off of a paper plate and that you don't expect the fine china to be pulled down from the top shelf.  The fine china hasn't been used since...well...never.  

I hope these tips are useful and that we are all mindful of others during the holiday season. Make sure that any guest who has a food allergy is accommodated.  If you are a strict vegan, bring your own dish of food to share. (You are usually the minority.)  If you are at a meal or party where a prayer is said and you don't believe in God, bow your head anyway. (It's the right thing to do.) If you are hosting a party, make sure to have something to drink without alcohol in it.  (You never know what someone has been through.)  Be mindful of anyone who has lost a family member in the past year.  (Don't go on and on about how great your Mom is to a friend who has just lost their Mom.)  If you don't love your Mother-in-law, invite her to your house anyway!!! (She may be lonely and you can stand anyone for a couple of hours. Plus, she probably longs to see her son or daughter.)  Remember that life is too short to hurt feelings or to waste time feeling hurt.  We have to let things go sometimes.  We can't change the world but we can change how we react to the world.

Happy Holidays.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Everything.

Lesson #15,081-Happy New Year, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

So it's a new year!  2013!!  What are you so happy about?  Is it that you are glad that 2012 is over and you feel like turning over a new leaf?  This year we are gonna lose weight and smile more and travel more and whatever your resolution is.  But what are we so happy about?  I mean, why do we go out and have a party and celebrate?  Your car just depreciated a few thousand dollars.  You're getting another year older this year.  Your taxes are coming due.  So what are we so happy about?  Maybe it's because we are optimistic that this year is gonna be better than the last.  I sure hope so.  I hope that all of your dreams come true this year.  Whatever goal that you set for yourself or your family, I hope that you achieve it!  I wish for all of my readers health and happiness for the coming year. 

What can we do to stick to our resolutions this year?  What can we do to keep going to the gym in February when it is cold outside?  What can we do to make sure that we don't overextend ourselves financially this year?  What can we do differently from last year to make sure that we spend more time with our families and commit to our spouses and children to spend quality time together?  What can we do to make sure that we do for others this year?  Do we have a friend call us and make us go to the gym even when we don't want to?  Maybe.  Do we cut up our credit cards and only use them in emergencies?  Maybe.  Do we dare tell our children to remind us of our resolution to do more with them?  Maybe.  They will probably remind us of this when we just want to take a nap so maybe we just set a day every week to make sure that everyone is free on, say, Thursday night to sit down and have a meal together uninterrupted.  No cell phones.  No laptops.  No TV.  Nothing during dinnertime just once per week!!  Do we go ahead and call a charity and say put me down to help at least one day per month all year long?  We all get caught up in the daily grind.  We all get caught up in whatever is going on in our lives.  But this is a new year!!  So let's all rededicate ourselves to our families, our friends, our church, our organization, our health and finances or whatever you want to change this year!!  We can do this!!!!

Happy New Year, Everyone!!

Lesson #15,080-Resolutions. Yeah, Right!!

So.  Has everyone made their New Year's Resolutions?
Here are the Top Ten for 2013:  (According to about.com)
1.   Spend More Time With Family & Friends
2.   Make Time For Fitness
3.   Lose Weight
4.   Quit Smoking
5.   Enjoy Life More
6.   Quit Drinking
7.   Get Out of Debt
8.   Learn Something New
9.   Help Others
10. Get Organized

All honorable resolutions, don't ya think?  No wonder we party like wild animals on New Year's Eve!!  We want to break every rule the day before New Year's Day!!  We get a babysitter for the kids so we don't have to spend the night with the family. (Breaking #1)  We sit on the couch and watch the ball drop in Times Square so we don't have to stand or walk around anywhere. Then we shovel in the food at the party that we are attending.  Every meatball, every shrimp and every mini cupcake had better hide because they are MINE!! (Breaking #2 & #3)  We smoke the last 15 cigarettes that we have left in our last pack before midnight beginning at 10:45! (#4) Can't leave even one cigarette in the pack or else we will have to smoke them tomorrow!!!  Well #5 is really easy to keep unless you drink or smoke so much that it makes you too sick to enjoy life!!  Quitting drinking (#6) is easy on New Year's Day because you usually drink so much the night before that you actually swear off of alcohol for at least a week!!  Maybe a month if you really overdo it!  #7 won't be easy to keep because we just spent way too much on Christmas and we will probably spend the better part of 6 months paying the credit cards off.  How about not spending $3,000 on Christmas next year and you won't put yourself in that kind of debt again?  Believe me, showing someone that you love them doesn't take diamonds and labels every year!!  Learning something new (#8) is easy to do because you learn something new everyday especially if you read my blog!! (Shameless, I know!!)  Now #9 is one that we all should take seriously.  There are homeless people even in our small town and we have a community shelter that not only needs money but also needs volunteers to help serve meals or lend a hand to the shelter.  We can donate blood to the Red Cross if we are healthy.  We can definitely do something to help others, even if we don't have any extra money to give.  #10 Bahahahahaha!! That is sooooo easy for anyone who doesn't have ADD.  I know that I need to organize my cabinets and closets but I just can't!! My ADD won't let me finish anything!!  I really need for someone to come over and pull everything out of my cabinets and leave.  Then I guess I would have to do it!!  Anyone??  Anyone??  Bueller??

On a serious note, please don't drink and drive tonight.  If you are planning on even drinking one drink, have a designated driver or call a taxi service.  If you drink tonight and hadn't planned on it, you can call this number and they will take you home and even tow your car free of charge. 1-800-222-4357. Now you have no excuse to drink and drive!!!  I need you all to come back tomorrow and keep reading my blog so maybe someday I can get paid for this!!!  That is reason enough not to die!!  You don't want to miss my blog!!

Lesson #15,077-50 Shades of Cray Cray!!

The holidays are crazy.  Between the shopping, spending, cooking, visiting, being visited, cleaning. decorating, entertaining and gritting your teeth, the holidays can drive YOU crazy.  You have no excuse not to go and see the people that you only see once a year and you know that you cannot get out of it so you suck it up and cook tons of food and go to Grandma's house and you have to see your crazy Aunt Beverly.  She has always pointed out your flaws at every opportunity.  This is why we only see Aunt Beverly once a year!!  When I was a young teen, I wasn't tall enough. (I never grew so she accepted it.)  When I was a little older, I didn't have any boobs. (Well, they grew when I was like 21-years old.)  Then I wasn't married at 25 so we had to remedy that the next year.  Then for 3 years we didn't have any children so I had to fix that.  I did all of these things in my life just so Aunt Beverly would shut the hell up!  Now I am 42-years old and have a muffin top and you know that old bat had to point out that I had gained some weight.  Again, this is why we see her only once a year.  I suppose she saves up all of her crap, all year long so she can send us all into therapy for the next year.  Oh well, I can wait another year to see Aunt Beverly!! Doesn't everyone have that one person in their family that they can do without seeing?  Crazy Aunts abound!!

If your extended family doesn't drive you crazy, one of your friends' friend might!  I mean, how many parties were we invited to this year?  I know that we are awesome!!  Totally!!  Every Friday, Saturday and Sunday in December there is a party to attend.  Then a couple of parties during the week.  Y'all are about to wear me out!!  I cannot be having a hangover 5 days a week!!  And yes I do have to drink to be at these parties because there is one person at each party that you go to that will be the dreaded "Aunt Beverly" some day!! Ya know the type?  Here goes the conversation:  "So what do you do for a living?" "Well, I am a stay-at-home mom so that keeps me very busy." "Oh.................How cute."  "Cute? What is that supposed to mean?  Only my Aunt Beverly is allowed to say that crap to me."!!!  Yes, you know that there is one of these at every party.  You can try to avoid it like the plague but eventually that person will have annoyed everyone else and you will be the last victim of the night!!

Shopping may make you crazy if the parties and the family haven't driven you there already!  Large crowds, grumpy shoppers, rude sales clerks, no parking spaces, long lines at the registers, limited merchandise, uncomfortable shoes, you know what I mean, right?  And forget gift wrapping anymore.  You're lucky if you can even get a box for your shirt!! Half the time they don't even have one of those left!!  The rude clerk just says, "Sorry, we are out of boxes" in that rude voice.  (Like that is going to make it better!! Now I have to go to Target and get some shirt boxes!!  And then I get to go home and wrap the gifts myself!!)  When you are the "stay-at-home mom" you end up doing all of the shopping except for yourself and sometimes you end up doing some of that too!! Not only do you have to buy everyone's gifts, you have to buy the groceries too!!  Oh and don't let one bag of cookie mix go unbaked because the men in your house will drive you crazy until you have fixed all 140 dozen cookies!!

Anyway, after all of the craziness of the holidays, it is nice to just take a nerve pill, have a glass of wine, take an Ambien and go to bed!!  Just breathe.  Take a deep breath, swallow your pills and forget about your crazy family, crazy people at parties and crazy sales clerks.  If you don't, it will make you 50 shades of crazy!!  So, everyone have a wonderful New Years party and forgive Aunt Beverly and the soon-to-be Aunt Beverlys in your life!!

Lesson #15,072-Girl's Trips Have Come To This...

I remember going on girls trips and having so much fun.  Acting like caged animals who have been released on a 2 day pass.  Drinking wine and doing Jello shots and dancing and singing and staying up late.  I have been on some crazy girls trips and some really fabulous girls trips to some fabulous places. Well, let me just tell you.  Times have changed.  My BFF and I went to Ocean Isle, another fabulous place, last Thursday and got there in time for lunch.  Then we went over to the grocery store and bought, not wine and Jello but junk food to eat for dinner.  We, no joke, bought cheese and crackers, shrimp and cocktail sauce, and candy.  We went home and put on our pajamas, ate cheese and crackers and shrimp and then had a dessert of candy bars.  We could have gone out to a restaurant, a bar, a club, anywhere we wanted because we were free but we are so lame that we just went home and put on our pajamas!!  We watched reality TV and talked to our children on the phone and went to bed!!  The next day we went shopping all day long.  Then we went to a restaurant and went home and ate cotton candy and didn't have to share it with anyone!! That was the highlight of my trip!!  I ate every bit of mine just because I didn't have to share it.  I am sure that my blood sugar level was over 400 but I didn't care!!  It was mine.  All mine!!

So what happened?  I mean, just a couple of years ago I was dancing and drinking and having a great time.  I really did enjoy myself but now I just want to put on pajamas and go to bed early on my girls trips from now on.  I don't want to have to drive anyone anywhere.  I don't want to watch anything on TV that is animated or has furry characters.  I want to watch trashy reality TV.  I want to wear fuzzy slippers and a thick robe.  If someone could come and give me a massage, that would just top off the trip!!  I seriously have no interest in staying up late, I feel like crap the next day.  I have no interest in drinking, I feel like crap the next day.  I have no interest in partying it up because, well, I feel like crap the next day. At my age, feeling like crap the next day is so not worth it anymore!!  Plus the whole being responsible thing.  Driving carpool with a hangover isn't much fun.  Doing homework with your middle school aged child is definitely no fun with a hangover.  Actually, that's no fun without a hangover but with one is horrible!!  At my age, a hangover lasts not just a few hours the next morning but days!!

So I guess my definition of "Partying" has changed.  I now attend parties.  I now throw parties. I now RSVP to parties.  I now am late for parties but a party is just an event now.  It is only a noun and not a verb. That's what it is.  Not a verb anymore!!  Just a noun!!
BEFORE 40 & CHILDREN:
 
AFTER 40 & CHILDREN:

Oh and did I mention that I loved every minute of going to bed early and eating junk food??  I may be lame but I love it!!!