Lesson #150,156-What Not To Give As a Christmas Gift

What Not To Give As A Christmas Gift

Okay, so 'Tis the Season, Right?  'Tis not the season for Re-gifting.  Well, turns out, it is. 

Bath Salts

Nobody really wants bath salts.  Nobody really uses bath salts.  Nobody has time for a bath.  Bath salts never really melt.  They just float around on top of the water or sink to the bottom of the tub, making it uncomfortable to move around.  I think that there have only really been a few bottles of bath salts ever purchased and they just keep getting passed around from friend to friend.  The bottles may get used once but never again because the crunchy pebbles do not relax you.  If anything, they stress you out.  First, they won't melt.  Second, they hurt your bottom.  Third, they are supposed to de-stress but the end up "distressing" the user. Forth, since they never melt, you have to clean the tub and rake the granules down the drain.  Last, you have to keep the bottle of bath salts visible in your bathroom, just in case your friend ever needs to use the upstairs bathroom in the master bedroom so that they can possibly, maybe see that you appreciate their gift.  Yes, the bottle is dusty and only one scoop has been used but what if Martha shows up to your house and wants to use your bathroom, even though there are 2 other bathrooms in your home and one is downstairs??  They must be on display!!

Christmas Mugs

Doesn't everyone already have 15 odd Christmas mugs in their cabinet already?  If you come to my house in July and want a cup of coffee, you will probably drink it from one of our Christmas mugs.  There is a Santa one.  A snowflake one.  A couple of tall snowmen mugs. One with an elf.  I can't even find my real coffee mugs because of all of the Christmas mugs in my cabinet.  If you are buying me a Christmas mug, go ahead and buy an entire set so that everyone can have the same mug to drink from.

A Single Christmas Ornament

At our age, we are all funny about our Christmas trees.  Some people have one Christmas tree and some have 15 but we have our decorations for all of our trees carefully planned out already.  Strategically, placed blue and silver trees.  A kitchen tree with food items.  Our children's tree with all of the ornaments that they have made or collected over the years. Our main tree with all our finest collections of ornaments and bows and such.  We don't want a single Christmas ornament to have to hang on the back of the tree!!  Yes, that is where a single, but nice, Christmas ornament goes.  The dreaded back of the tree.

A Scented Candle

Everyone loves for their home to smell good but that one scented candle that has sat on your bar for the past year, is not the perfect last minute hostess gift.  You know that it is dusty.  You know that you have dusted off an unlit candle and put it in a used gift bag before.  Admit it.  Scented candles are pretty and smell good to some people but most people get a headache from a scented candle.  Plus, if you are serving food, a scented candle is not a good idea.  It changes the flavor of the food because of the sense of smell.  Now if you have a room full of people who have mutant noses that have no more sense of smell, feel free, but please spare the rest of us the pain of the migraine from your scented candle.  (Now, I am preaching to myself here because I have one candle in my bathroom that is scented and I do light it when people are coming over just in case anyone needs to, ya know, do a quick #2 in the downstairs bathroom that everyone else is using.) 

Best Friends Picture Frame

Okay, so everyone has more than one friend who thinks that they are your best friend.  When you give Martha a framed photo of yourself and her on vacation together in a "Best Friends" picture frame, you know that will hurt Tara's feelings if she sees that.  Maybe you just want to lay claim to Martha.  Maybe you want to give ole Tara a hint.  Me and Martha are Best Friends and you, Tara, are the other friend.  WE are "Best Friends"!!  Plus, you just added to Martha's list of items to dust. 

"Basically, anything that needs to be fed, watered or dusted is a bad idea."-Susan Radford (The new Emily Post)  This includes plants, pets or picture frames.  Susan also says that any kind of food or alcohol is proper.  Anyone who knows Susan knows that she isn't kidding.  You may never drink the bottle of Johnny Walker but someone who visits your home in the next 10 years may want a shot of Johnny Walker.  That makes it proper, unless the person that you give it to is a recovering alcoholic.  Then you may have made a horrible decision in bringing your dusty bottle of Johnny Walker.

Good ideas:

Who doesn't like a lantern?  Who doesn't like a lantern with goodies inside of it?

Another great idea, especially if you are staying overnight.  This idea lets the host know that they do not have to get up early in the morning and make a big breakfast.  It will be of great relief to the host that you won't be a high maintenance guest.


This is a great idea, especially if you are visiting friends or family who do not drink alcohol.  You bring your own, drink it when you feel is proper and leave the beautiful bottle as the gift to the friend or family member.  If someone is opposed to alcohol for themselves for religious reasons or for health reasons, this will keep your host from feeling like they have to go and buy alcohol for you to drink.


To me this is the best gift ever!!!  It shows me that you are willing to eat off of a paper plate and that you don't expect the fine china to be pulled down from the top shelf.  The fine china hasn't been used since...well...never.  

I hope these tips are useful and that we are all mindful of others during the holiday season. Make sure that any guest who has a food allergy is accommodated.  If you are a strict vegan, bring your own dish of food to share. (You are usually the minority.)  If you are at a meal or party where a prayer is said and you don't believe in God, bow your head anyway. (It's the right thing to do.) If you are hosting a party, make sure to have something to drink without alcohol in it.  (You never know what someone has been through.)  Be mindful of anyone who has lost a family member in the past year.  (Don't go on and on about how great your Mom is to a friend who has just lost their Mom.)  If you don't love your Mother-in-law, invite her to your house anyway!!! (She may be lonely and you can stand anyone for a couple of hours. Plus, she probably longs to see her son or daughter.)  Remember that life is too short to hurt feelings or to waste time feeling hurt.  We have to let things go sometimes.  We can't change the world but we can change how we react to the world.

Happy Holidays.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Everything.

Lesson #150,154-Romance isn't dead!! (In the animal kingdom)

Okay, So I have some good news, Ladies!!  Romance is not dead!!  Well, at least not in the animal kingdom.  Sitting in the quiet house with no television, radio or vacuum cleaner on, I can hear the songbirds singing their little hearts out.  Sounds I have never heard before.  The most beautiful singing that I have ever heard.  Those little male songbirds with their feathers all aglow with color and their songs ring through the trees searching for the perfect mate.  All male birds are more beautiful than their female counterparts.  From ducks to little finches, their colors are beautiful. It is meant to attract the ladies.  Lady birds.  I think human men should take notes from these birds.  I mean, I don't think men should dress in feathers and sing, unless you are a drag queen.  Of course, even straight women love a good drag show.  Maybe that's why we love a drag show!!


Why do men hate to dress up so much?  Women love to dress up in our sexy cocktail dresses and heels that we pay way too much for.  Women love makeup and our favorite day of the month is Hair Day!! The day we get to color our gray "plumes" back to our "natural" color.  When men turn gray and have laugh lines, they are considered "distinguished".  When they are distinguished and are dressed nicely, they are considered "dapper".  When women of a certain age are gray and have laugh lines, we are considered "aging" so we fight it tooth and nail with Botox, filler and hair dye.  Even having face lifts or neck lifts. Horrible laser treatments and chemical peels. When it comes to aging, women can be way more vain than our male counterparts. Trust me on this...aging women, such as myself, feel like we are falling apart at the seams.  Aging isn't for wimps!!  In my 20's, if I needed to lose a couple of pounds, I could lose them easily without working out like a mad woman.  Now, I have to work out just to maintain a certain weight.  Muscle isn't built easily.  Fat isn't lost easily.

My point is this, we would like to be wooed like the birds do for their mates, even when we have been together for over 20 years.  Bring me a bouquet of fresh flowers once in a while.  Surprise me with a day at the spa.  Write me a little note and leave it on my pillow.  Believe me, you don't have to sing.  As a matter of fact, please don't!! When we have the chance to go to an event that we have to dress a certain way, JUST DO IT!! I promise that all of us housewives don't expect our men to wear a seersucker suit and a bow tie every day but it would be nice to see our men in some khaki pants and a nice pair of Bucks occasionally.  If you aren't from The South, you probably don't know what Bucks are. Here in The South, a sure way to catch your ladies' eye is to wear a seersucker suit and a pair of Bucks.

I know that women can do better to make sure our mates know how we feel about them.  We get into our daily routines and running children hither and yon, but we would like some romance occasionally too.  Even when we have been married forever!! We all get in our ruts and have an unrealistic view of how marriage should be.  I blame this on Hollywood.  I'm sure that 200 years ago, women knew how married life would be.  Hollywood makes every fairytale romance look like it can be reality.  Let's all make a little more effort in our relationships.  Maybe just eating together in the dining room without cell phones or the TV on.  Maybe even just sitting and talking on the back porch with a cold drink. Let's bring back romance!!  It's not dead!!  Take notes from the birds!!

Lesson #15,138-Boston & Talking To Our Children

Okay, so by now we all have heard about what happened in Boston.  How do we explain this tragedy to our children? Some things are hard to explain or unexplainable.  This is one of them.  Our children are asking questions like "Who would do that?" and "Why would anyone do that?".  Our children do not understand hate.  They know that they "hate" broccoli or timeouts.  They know that they "hate" homework. They "hate" cleaning their rooms.  They certainly "hate" being sick.  They simply do not understand hating another person because they don't believe in the same things that they do.  That is a learned behavior.  Parents have to teach their children not to hate someone or a group of people for any reason.  We all have to teach Love!!  We have to teach our children that just because other people do not believe in the same things that we can exist together in this world.  But how do we explain what happened in Boston when a child was a victim?  This is my take on it:

1.  We have to sit our children down and tell them what happened if they are old enough to know what happened.  We tell them that something bad has happened and give them only details that they "NEED" to know.  I mean, we don't need to tell a 2-year old about the tragedy.  My son was almost 2-years old when 9/11 happened and he wouldn't have understood what I was trying to tell him.  He learned about it when he got older.

2.  Try not to dwell on it too much so we don't scare them into believing that it could happen to them, even though nobody is truly 100% safe from an attack  We had the news on and were listening to what had happened and after about an hour, my 13-year old son said "I've seen enough.  I need to watch something else".  He is old enough to verbalize his feelings but a 6-year old may not be able to say that they have had enough. 

3.  If your child is old enough for this to bother them, ask if they would like to talk about it.  Do this, especially, if you sense that it is on their mind. 

4.  Reassure them that they are safe and that they will be okay.  We have to comfort them even though we know that hate is all around us.  Don't lie to them and say that it could never happen where you live but do try to help them process what happened offering them comfort and keep your emotions in check.  We all were shocked, upset and angry about what happened but we cannot let our emotions be transferred to our children.

5.  If you believe in God, pray together for the injured and for the families and friends of the people who were killed.  If you choose, pray for the people who did this, that God would soften their hearts.  That they would feel love for their fellow man and not hate.

6.  Show them how the people came together and offered their help.  If you watch the video of the events, you will see police, firemen, paramedics, EMTs, National Guard and regular people coming together to help the injured.  They ran toward the blast, not away from it.  Talk about the heroes in this tragedy.  The men and women who were hurt but helped the people who were injured much worse.  The doctors and nurses in the hospitals who worked overtime to make sure that every patient was taken care of because that was the right thing to do.  Nobody asked the victims if they were democrats or republicans, gay or straight, black or white, young or old.  They simply helped.  During times of tragedy, we come together as Americans and Human Beings.  Compassion was shown and that is an important trait of Americans and Human Beings.  There are more good than evil people in this world, even though we may think otherwise sometimes.  This is a good time to talk about empathy for their fellow man.

As parents, we have a hard job.  Events such as this makes our jobs even harder.  Be patient with your children as they come to you with questions.  Be patient with their emotions.  Remember that we, as parents, do not understand this so our children, certainly, do not. 

Lesson #15,117-Some Men Should Just Buy a Dog

Okay, so we all know that dogs have always been "Man's Best Friend" and we all know that some men are just dogs themselves!  I think some men should never get married and just buy a dog.  Why??



~Dogs don't care if you stay out all night.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you go to Poker Night every week.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you have more than one dog.  If you have 2 dogs, they are both happy to see you when you get home.



~Dogs don't want to talk about your "feelings".  You can just pat their head or rub their belly and they are happy.

~Dogs don't pout for days or get their feelings hurt.  They are just happy to see you when you get home.

~Dogs don't care if you leave piles of clothes on the floor.  They will just make a bed out of it.  They will love you for it!!




~When a dog wants affection, he or she will jump on the couch and nudge you.  They don't care how long the affection lasts.  If it is 2 minutes, that's okay and if it's 2 hours that's okay too!

~If you just want to take a nap, that's just fine with your dog!!  They are happy to accompany you.



~Your dogs' parents don't pop in unexpectedly, eat your food and complain about how dirty your house is.

~Dogs don't get mad if you have lipstick on your collar.  In fact, your dog will be so happy to see you that they probably won't even notice!

~Dogs don't care if you are late getting home from work.  The later you are the happier they are to see you.



~If you own a dog and you are married, lock your dog and your wife in a closet for an hour.  Then see who is happy to see you when you open the door.  I bet it's your dog!!

~Dogs don't mind being led by a leash.  Pulled left.  Pulled right.  If you try this on your wife, she will call you a freak, roll her eyes and call her friend to talk about you.



~If you forget your dog's birthday, no worries!!

~Dogs don't care if you are intelligent or not.  The dumber the better!!






~Dogs keep all of your secrets.  No matter what, they aren't talking!!

~Dogs don't care if you get a beer belly.  It just makes for a better pillow!!

~Dogs don't care if you fart.  As a matter of fact, dogs find the scent interesting.  Same thing with a burp!



~If you scream at your dog, he or she won't burn your clothes on the front lawn.

~If your dog leaves, he or she won't take half of your stuff!!

Lesson #15,116-Burned Biscuits

Okay, so I didn't write this myself but I am going to share it with you all because it is such a wonderful story.

Here Goes:

Burned Biscuits - A lesson we all should learn.

When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed!
All my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that ugly burned biscuit. He ate every bite of that thing...never made a face nor uttered a word about it!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said, "Honey, I love burned biscuits every now and then."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Mom put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides--a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!"
As I've grown older, I've thought about that many times. Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people.
I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today...that you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket--keep it in your own."
So, please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine.
And PLEASE pass this along to someone who has enriched your life--I just did!
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
"Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil--it has no point"

Written by Jan W. Nahorski.

Lesson #15,102-Unexpected "Joys" of Parenting

Okay, so there are many, many firsts that go along with being a mother that you expect but there are some that are totally unexpected!!  Before I had a child, I was sure of the wet spot on the carpet.  I knew exactly what it was and how to clean it but after having a child, you can never be sure if it is spilled apple juice or pee.  Never trust the child to give you the truthful answer!!  If there is gooey, sticky stuff ground into the carpet you can bet it is probably the gummy bear that you gave the child a week ago but who can be sure now??

When I was young, staying up all night was much different than staying up all night with a baby.  Well, maybe not that different.  Babies drink, get sleepy and puke.  Maybe it is the same!!  This time I am the one getting puked on!!  Everyone wonders why moms of babies either cut their hair short or wear a ponytail all of the time.  Well, here is your answer...We don't enjoy the smell of puke in our hair!!  Everyone thinks that babies are helpless little creatures but in reality they are very savvy little boogers!  They will find a way to ruin your favorite dress.  Ever had your hair pulled by someone who is angry at you?  Well, that was nothing compared to having your hair pulled by a baby.  You WILL walk away with a bald spot!!

I never thought I would have to tell someone not to lick the TV.  I never thought I would sanitize pacifiers, bottles and toys only to have the child chew on his shoe.  I never thought I would get so excited to hear my child's first word and now wonder if they let him speak at school because when he gets into the car in the afternoon, he cannot shut up!!  I never thought dumb or stupid were bad words until my toddler said them.  For some reason those words don't sound very good coming from a 3-year old!  Being the stellar example that I am I had to clean up my language around the toddler because they repeat every word that you say!  Yes, one of my son's first words was $hi+!! Oh Goodness!!!!

I never thought I would spend my days vacuuming cookie crumbs from under the couch cushions.  I never thought I would throw a towel over sheets that have been peed on and tell my toddler to go back to bed!  (Don't judge!!  Big Mama needs her sleep!) I never knew that milk could solidify in a sippy cup.  I found one under my son's bed and I wasn't even sure how long it had been there!!  (Apple juice molds!!)  I never thought I would tire of cleaning those cute little hand prints off of glass doors, windows, walls and every other surface that is 3 ft. tall!! Yet, after a few thousand times, I DID!!!  Do you know that cleaning projectile vomit from those little cracks in the TV speakers, is not that fun!!  Never underestimate a child with a Blow Pop.  Never leave a 2-year old and a cat alone in a room.  One of them will end up with scratches and bite marks and the baby may get hurt too.

With all of that said, I don't want my child to think that I don't love him and that I would not do it all over again if I had to because I would!  My son has added so much love and joy to my life.  The day he was born and I looked into his little face, I thought my heart would explode.  He was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen.  Still is.  There have been more wonderful unexpected joys than bad ones.  Plus, if I didn't have to clean vomit from the TV speakers with a toothpick, I wouldn't be writing this blog!!  So, Thank you, son for puking across the room and into the TV speakers!! Mwaah!!

Lesson #15,082-So This Is 2013?

2013 has started off pretty well so far, for me!!  My Gamecocks won the Outback Bowl yesterday and everyone gets a free bloomin' onion today!  You're welcome!!  Who wanted free coconut shrimp anyway? NOBODY!!  That's what you would have gotten if that other team had won.  2013 should be lucky for everyone!! 13 is supposed to be a lucky number.  It used to be an unlucky number but for some reason now it is a lucky number.  Didn't we not have a 13th floor in tall buildings because it was an unlucky number?  Oh well, it is going to be a great year!!  I am claiming it right now!!

Anyway, today is the day that the children go back to school.  Can I get a Hallelujah from all the moms?  "Hallelujah"!!  Oh come on, you know you said it!! Okay, really I didn't want them to go back to school today either.  Setting the alarm clock for the first time in 2 weeks was really horrible!!  I absolutely HATE waking up to an alarm, especially if I am having a really great dream.  I am mad at whatever wakes me up from a really great dream! 


This year I am going to try to stay on a "Schedule of Order".  Yes, I named it that.  I will be changing sheets on a certain day every week.  I am not one of those people who vacuums every day.  I do, however, love me some clean floors.  I vacuum all of my floors, even the hardwoods and the tile floors.  I hate a broom because I can never get all of the dirt into the dustpan.  I'm going to try to be a better housekeeper.  If you have ever been to my house, you know that I have a clean house but I have small piles of mail or magazines or whatever stacked here and there and it drives me insane!!  My husband does the same thing.  His piles drive me crazy and my piles drive him crazy.  Well, we cleaned up most of his piles yesterday and I guess that my piles are next! LOL!! I love cookbooks so I have a shelf in my kitchen full of cookbooks.  I am a sucker for a church cookbook so I have one from almost every denomination in North Carolina!  That shelf is a point of contention between my husband and I.  I love every cookbook and he hates the entire shelf!!








Let's all claim that 2013 is going to be our year!!  Even if it started off wrong so far, let's all reclaim it!!  Keep reclaiming it every day if you have to!!  As we say here in the South, "Doggone it"!!!  YES, 2013 WILL BE A GREAT YEAR!!!  Of course, I haven't left the house since 2012 so let's just hope that my big plans for a great year aren't ruined by the outside world today!! I've got to drive carpool this week and it's gonna be great!!!  Well, the afternoon shift will be anyway!  I hate the morning shift!  I have to go to the grocery store today so I proclaim that I will not get behind any extreme couponers!!  I proclaim that anytime that I need gas this year that it will be sunny and 70 degrees!!  I proclaim that I have at least one hour per day to look at a Pottery Barn or Restoration Hardware catalog!!  I proclaim that from now on my body will not absorb any calories from Nutella!!  I proclaim that this year is gonna be the year that I become a size 4 again!!  Oh who am I kidding?  I proclaim to take more naps!!!  It's 2013 so let's do this!!!!!!

Life Lesson #15,040-Psychology of Men

Yesterday I blogged about how complicated women are.  I talked about the complexity of our emotions and psyche.  Women really are complex and emotional creatures.  If something terrible happens to someone, the first thing we think about is the family, the children, the parents, etc.  Men on the other hand, well, they think differently.  They think about how the bills would get paid, how their job will get done, how the family will run while this terrible tragedy is going on.  Women think emotionally and men think logically.  Women, Please don't take that the wrong way. If you really think about it, isn't it true?  Just think about when JFK was shot and killed.  The women were thinking, "Poor Jackie", "Poor Caroline", "Poor John John" while the men were thinking "Who will run the country?", "Who is looking after national security?", "Who's watching the Russians?".  See what I mean?? 



I also mentioned that my son had said that he was going to take a course on women when he goes to college.  I told him that a course on women would last 30 years and it is not a passable class.  Well, if you took a class on the Psychology of Men, it would be just the opposite.  It would take about 5 minutes and the final exam would be about 3 questions with all answers being "Yes".  Men are simple creatures.  They need few things in life.  (1) Food (2) Shelter (3) Clothing (4) Money (5) Sex.  End of list.  See?  Simple creatures right?  If they had to do without any of these needs, I would guarantee that it would not be #5.  You know I'm right!!  Anyway, their food doesn't need to be fancy, their shelter doesn't need to be well decorated, their clothing doesn't need to match, they need money but not as much until they have a family and sex, well, if you are married, you know they don't care where or when or how as long as it happens.  (This goes out the window with "The Gays".  They like good food, well decorated shelter and tailored clothing. Money and sex are the same as straight men!)

I will try to make your final exam on the Psychology of Men a little harder.  Here goes:

(Q)  List the needs of men in order of importance.
(A)  All 5 are number 1.

If you got the question right. You pass.
 

"The strength of women comes from the fact that psychology cannot explain us. Men can be analyzed, women ... merely adored." ~OSCAR WILDE

Life Lesson #15,039-Psychology of Women

Life Lesson #15,039-Psychology of Women

My son just asked me what a woman means when she says, "This dress isn't me."?  I said that it means that she doesn't like the dress for her but it might look good on someone else.  He said that when he gets to college he is going to take a course on women and I told him it is a thirty year course and he would fail anyway. LOL!  Poor kid.  He's only 13-years old and he is already trying to figure out women.  Good luck with that, my son!!  Why are women so hard to figure out?  Why don't we just say what we mean like men do?  Why do we hold grudges from the 3rd grade?  Why do we care about how soft our skin is?  Why do we worry about age spots?  Why do we care about gray hair and wrinkles?  Why do we have more than 4 pairs of shoes?  Why do we have a section in our closet called our "fat clothes"?  Why do we wear make up and fuss with our hair?  Why do we touch up our lipstick every hour?  Why do we fret over an extra 10 pounds? Why do we shove ourselves into Spanx?  Why do we always have to smell good?  Why do we love pretty things?  Why do we always say, "Oh that's so cute!"?   I tell you why.  Because we are women!!!


Why do we cry about everything?  When we are happy.  When we are sad.  When we are watching Chick Flicks.  When we are watching Magic Mike.  ((Ahem. Sorry.))  Then for no reason at all, we cry!!  We love to know details about everything.  It may take us 5 minutes to tell a story that would take a man 10 seconds to tell because we don't leave out any details.  We all absolutely hate drama but we want to know if any drama is going on and we will give our opinion but we don't want to get involved in the drama.  We get mad if someone knows what is going on and they don't share it with us. We get our feelings hurt easily.  We are sensitive. Why??  Because we are women.



One thing is for sure about women.  We love with all of our heart. If we are moms we will rip your still beating heart straight out of your chest if you hurt our child.  When we love something we will fight for it to the death!   Whether it is a relationship or a child, our love knows no boundaries.  Some men like to call us stalkers but really it's just love.  If they would just love us back, darn it!!!!  I mean my goodness, we smell good and our hair is fixed.  What more could you possibly want from us?  Just because we send you roses, chocolates and 471 texts per day, does not make us stalkers.  Just because we wait for you outside of your apartment building at 5am to give you a warm cup of coffee to start off your day right, does not make us stalkers.  And yes, buying him that really nice gold watch that he always wanted may have been a little excessive but stalking...No way, Your Honor!!  We just like to show our love, Your Honor!! Why?  Because we are women!!





So we love cute things and flowers. Earrings and purses. We love bubble baths and pedicures.  We love a good book and perfume, chocolate and diamonds, sports cars and suntans, shoes and soft blankets, clean floors and afternoon soccer games.  We love our friends to the moon and back and have deeper relationships with a select few.  We love our men and our children so much that we would die for them.  Not to get all mushy because we also love wine and raunchy sex talk with our girlfriends on Girls Night Out!!  We love decorations and little blue boxes with white ribbons. So I just think I will tell my son not to worry about studying up on women.  For one, it is a total waste of time and for another thing, whatever we say today could change tomorrow.  Why?? Because we are women!!

Life Lesson #15,035-Childish Things We Love As Adults

Life Lesson #15,035-Childish Things We Love As Adults

We have all heard parents yelling at their toddlers to sit down, get down, settle down, quieten down, calm down etc.  We have all heard parents yelling at their teenagers to stand up, get up, speak up, perk up, sit up and shut up.  So what do we do when we are adults?  When we are small children, everything is down and when we are teenagers everything is up, right?  Have you all noticed that?  Well, I have figured out that the things that we absolutely loathed as children are luxuries when we are adults.


Have any of you complained about taking a bath since the age of 30?  I mean, if I have 30 extra minutes in the evenings there is nothing more relaxing than taking a nice, hot, bubble bath.  Just soaking in the tub and being quiet is absolute bliss!!  When we are children, we hate to stop what we are doing long enough to wash the sandbox and backyard residue off of our feet and behind our ears.  As adults, just being able to take a shower uninterrupted is nice, but a bath, Ahhhhhhhh. Add a good book or scented candles and I may just stay in that bathtub for longer than a half an hour!


How about taking a nap?  I remember laying in my bed for hours every day when I was little because I would not go to sleep.  I remember laying on a cot and watching all of the other kindergarteners sleep because I would not take a nap.  I do believe that if I were given a cot in a room full of 20 other people now that I absolutely would take that teacher up on her offer for me to sleep.  There is nothing better than a nap especially after all the kids are off to school and the house is quiet.  Oh and if it is rainy that is just an added bonus.  I can't imagine why I fought taking a nap so hard when I was a child because sometime between the age of 5 and 40 I became a lover of the nap.  Even if I have 15 things to get done during the day, I would just rather take a nap.  That load of clothes can just wait to be folded!!  I could nap on a bed, a couch, a chair, a hammock, a chaise lounger, a beanbag, a loveseat, a futon, a porch swing or a beach chair.  I have a friend who swears that the best naps ever are in her car in the parking lot of the local library.  I'm not brave enough to try sleeping in public but she has her Ph.D and she sees nothing wrong with it so maybe I should try it!!  If you see my car at the library in town, please don't knock on the window!  Zzzzzzzz!!

Life Lesson #15,034-Raising Kids To Be Good Adults

#15,034-Raising Kids To Be Good Adults, Not Good Kids

I don't care what anyone says, being a parent is the hardest job ever!  You have one chance to get it right.  If you are the mother then you will be the one who gets blamed for any character flaws in your child.  If they are spoiled, it's your fault.  If they are "trouble" then it's your fault.  If they have any problem whatsoever, it is your fault.  For some reason, the Dads get off free and clear!! I don't get it.  Aren't Dads half of the parents?  Anyway, we are raising these children to be good adults and we have to remember that.  If we are just trying to raise good kids then most of us have succeeded but then when they become teens some of them get lost to the struggles of being a young adult.  Some kids who are raised with very tight restrictions become wild animals when they are finally allowed some freedom and some kids turn out fine.  Some kids who are given free reign turn into homeless drug addicts and some turn into very responsible adults. So what do we do?  How do we know what is the right way to raise our children?  I mean, some kids who are raised in church or even by pastors are awesome kids and others rebel.  Some of the most rotten kids I knew were the pastors' kids.  I remember one bringing beer to school and drinking it in middle school.  Some of the nicest people that I know now, have never even been to church. I think every child is different.  Every kid should be raised on a case by case basis.  See what works for your particular child and do that.  Some kids will need an occasional spanking, some can just be threatened with taking away a toy and they will never stray!  Before you start telling me how horrible spanking is, I am not for beating or prolonged spanking but a little swat on the rear end has done wonders for my son.  He hasn't had one in many years but I can threaten it and he straightens right up.  The last time he got one, he had been talking during church and being disruptive and he deserved it.  He got a swat on the rear end when he was three for lying to me and he has not lied to me again.  That was 10 years ago.  He may start lying to me tomorrow and never tell me the truth ever again but so far it worked.

 

So what is the correct form of parenting?  Whose book should we go by?  Dr. Sears?  John Rosemond?  Or should we just maybe take a little from each and use whatever advice works for us.  To spank or not to spank?  To use Time Out or not?  Take away toys/gadgets?  Ground them?  Maybe it all changes and continues to change as they grow up.  Maybe one thing works for you from birth until they are 18-years old.  Maybe nothing works at all.  Every child is different just like every adult is different. I've seen two children raised in the same house and raised by the same parents with the same parenting style and the kids are totally different.  I've even seen twins who are completely different. I know some of it has to do with birth order or only children or if a sibling dies but it still amazes me. 
 

I think that just spending time with our children daily and letting them know that they are loved is the best thing that we can do for them.  Now before anyone starts saying, "But you only have one child.  It's so easy to do with one child", I just want to say that it isn't that hard to give 10 children a hug and a kiss and tell them that you love them.  Take that time everyday to tell each one of your children that you love them.  Never EVER let their head hit the pillow at night without you telling them that you love them.  Even on the days that they aren't that lovable remind them that you love them and that no matter what, you always will.  I can't think of one thing that my son could ever do or say that would make me not love him.  Okay, that being said, I am not the perfect parent and I'm not sure that there ever was a perfect parent besides our Heavenly Father and he loves us all unconditionally.  So here is to all of us who are striving to be the best parent that we can be!! Hug and kiss those kiddos today and every day after that!! They grow up so fast.

Life Lesson #15,031-People In NYC Are Interesting

Life Lesson #15,031-People In NYC Are Interesting

Only in NYC will you walk past a Naked Cowboy, Hello Kitty or someone painted completely green and nobody even stares at them.  Honestly, there are no freaks in NYC.  There were a few people, however, who made an impression.  The very first night we landed in NY, we had a great driver who drove us from LaGuardia to the hotel.  He was from Africa and was so glad to be in the United States.  I loved this guy from the second that I met him.  He told us about growing up with 1 pair of shoes to wear to school, to church, to play in and everywhere else.  He grew up very poor and was blessed to have that one pair of shoes. He was glad to be here and have more than one pair of shoes.  Thank you, God for not making me live in Africa with no shoes!!



Okay I have lived in the South my entire life and have never even spoken to a Muslim in my entire life.  The only ones that I have ever seen have been in the airport or at the mall.  Needless to say, the only thing that I know about their religion is The Koran is their holy book and Mohammed is their prophet and Muslims are responsible for the terrorism on 9/11 so they all must be violent and crazed and hateful.  Right?????????? 
So there were these food carts just sitting unattended on the streets of NYC and there was this loud crazy music coming from all of these carts.  It sounded like some sort of horn being played.  The music was haunting.  Then it hit me.  It was the "Call to Prayer" that was playing and the unattended food carts were abandoned by their owners because they were doing their daily prayers.  If I am not mistaken they pray about 5 times a day.  (If I prayed to my God 5 times a day, I would probably be a better person.)  Then we finally hailed a cab and of course a Muslim driver picked us up. Was he going to scream at us?  Was he going to set a fire?  Was he going to set off a bomb while we were driving with him???????? Well while was driving us and he began to talk about 9/11.  He talked about the horror he felt and how all he could do was stare out his window in shock, much the same as I did at the TV that day.  Every Muslim we encountered was polite, hard working and nothing like Achmed!!  One of our drivers told me about how just after 9/11 he could not leave his house because of people being angry at all Muslims about 9/11 and how there was violence against them because of their religion and how they were hurt by the attacks too.  I felt ashamed of myself because I had thought terrible things about all of those people myself.  I didn't realize that there were those Muslims who hated what was done on 9/11 just as much as I did.  I pride myself on not being judgmental of people but I had judged an entire religion on the acts of some.  I am sorry for that.  I now know that they all don't feel this way about us "infidels". 

 

So we went to "The Lion King" at The Minskoff Theater one night and I was honestly afraid the bathroom attendant was a terrorist.  I don't know what religion she was but maybe she just needed some religion, or somebody to Bless Her Heart or maybe she just needed some sweet tea.  I am not sure what her problem was but this attendant was screaming at us in the stalls and telling us that we were taking too long.  Has this woman ever tried to pull up underwear, Spanx and pants?  I don't think she understands what it takes to get all of these items back in place!  Honestly!! It takes more than 15 seconds to dismantle the undergarments, sit, pee, wipe accordingly, pull up undies, Spanx, Pants, fasten the belt, turn around and flush.  I consider it rude to have almost 1600 seats in a theater and have 4 stalls for the ladies.  Just sayin'! At intermission, if half of the crowd is female and then half of the females have to pee then you have 400 women standing in line to pee and 4 stalls. Intermission was 10 minutes.  You can do the math but even I know the odds aren't very good that everyone can do their business in that amount of time with that amount of stalls!! So stop screaming at me you terrorist bathroom attendant!! No tip for you!!!

 

I had many, many people leave an impression on me but the most interesting person that we ran into was this homeless person.  All of the homeless people in NYC have a cardboard sign and a hoodie.  This one guy had a sign and it said, "I'm not even going to lie.  I need money for pot".  I swear I thought about putting a few bucks in his can because he was being honest.  I laughed out loud!! I have mad respect for that homeless, pothead!! 


Come back tomorrow...

Life Lesson #15,026-What Is Up With Mommy Guilt??

Life Lesson #15,026-What Is Up With Mommy Guilt?

Seriously, what is this Mommy Guilt?  If you call me during the day and ask me what I have been up to, why do I feel like I have to give you a list of 20 things that I have done all day?  Why can't I say that I haven't made the beds yet or done any laundry or even put the dishes from last night's dinner in the dishwasher yet? Why do I feel guilty if I have come right in from morning carpool and sat down and watched TV for an hour or checked my Facebook or even that I came in and went back to bed?  My job never ends and if I don't do my job nobody else will pick up my slack so why do I feel guilty about taking a little break now and then.  Am I not allowed that or am I not allowing myself to stop working ever?  What if someone calls and I was taking a nap? Why can I not just say that I am taking a nap?  As long as everyone in my house has clean clothes and food, why can't I take a short break or even a nap?  I mean everyone else in my house can come in from school and work and plop down and watch TV for hours without me complaining about it because I understand how tiresome work and school are.  I've been there!!  With that said, some days I have 20 things to do and I have to get them done that day.  Then there are other days where I only have a couple of things to do so I am going to get them done or even put them off until tomorrow.  Why all of this guilt?   I agree that there is always something that I could be doing if I am awake but what if I just don't feel like rearranging the utensil drawer or organizing my closet?  Believe me, nothing will change.  My utensil drawer will not get any worse than it already is and my closet will not get more unorganized than it is right now.  Well, maybe the closet but who cares? I'm the one who is going to fix it!!

Some days I just want to go back to bed when Jordan goes to school and just sleep until 1:30.  Then get up, take a shower, throw the covers up over the bed, toss the dishes in the dishwasher, go to school and pick up the carpool kids, get homework started, spray some Febreeze, and sit until the husband is on his way home.  If he gives me the heads up when he is pulling out of the office, I have 45 minutes to come up with something for dinner.  I can have it delivered, pick up carryout or even cook something in 45 minutes, so that isn't usually a problem unless I need another nap in the late afternoon.  In that case, we will definitely be eating delivery or carryout!!  Why feel guilty, though?  Moms, we should band together and swear from this day forward that we will not feel guilty about chilling out for a while when everyone is out of the house!!!  Who is up first in my house?...ME.  Who says, "Goodnight, I'm going to bed" and an hour later I can finally go to bed?...ME. (And probably all the moms reading this feel the same way.)  Let's take that nap!!! NO GUILT!! NO GUILT!!

Life Lesson #15,025-School Projects Should Not Hurt My Self Esteem

Life Lesson #15,025-School Projects Should Not Hurt My Self Esteem

There is no way I could ever make up for the horrendous school projects that I have helped my child make.  When Jordan was in 2nd grade, he was assigned to make a diorama of what the earth looked like when the dinosaurs were alive.  Raise your hand if you know what the earth looked like when the dinosaurs were alive.  Yea, that's what I thought.  There aren't any photographs or drawings or written history left behind from the time of the dinosaurs.  That is, unless you can understand the cave drawings that have been found around the world but who knows when they were really drawn, right?  So anyway, he walked into that school with the most jacked up looking clay dinosaurs proudly displayed in the shoe box covered with construction paper.  I thought it was great!! I could not have been more proud.  UNTIL.  I walked in the library where each child had displayed their dioramas on top of the bookshelves all over the library.  There were masterpieces in that room!! I mean these kids have some real talent.  We have sculptors, paper mache prodigies and painters who should have artwork in The MOMA in NYC.  I tell you some of these kids had some amazing and creatively designed boxes!! Some didn't even use shoe boxes (like the directions explicitly stated to use.). Some kids used boot boxes.  Some kids used produce boxes.  Oh and did I mention that the directions also explicitly stated that the kids were to do this project all by themselves?  As we put my son's diorama down one of the 2nd grade teachers came straight over and ogled all over his sad little clay dinosaurs who looked more like bloody worms with large eyes and swollen feet.  As I walked my son to his classroom, I thought about how I was going to tell him that he was probably going to be in the "special" school next year because we would surely be kicked out of this fine school as soon as an administrator came through the library. I leaned down and gave him a kiss and almost darted to the door with the speed of Usain Bolt. I almost made it out the door and saw that obviously farsighted teacher who complimented my son on his model and she waved to me to come her way.  Just as I make it to her I burst into tears.  She asks, "What is wrong, sweetie?".  I said, "Did you see Jordan's dinosaur diorama? Why did you give it compliments when there are obvious masterpieces here in this room?".  She grabs me by my arm and says, "I gave him those compliments because those masterpieces in the library are obviously done by those kids' parents and I would rather see wormy, bug eyed dinosaurs done by a 7-year old than those bronze sculptures done by parents ANY DAY"!  I could have kissed her right there in front of twenty-four 2nd graders.


So now I know that most parents help their children with their projects.  I do allow him to do most of the work but I have helped him put together visual projects and they were pretty darn good if I do say so! Last year, in 6th grade, "WE" got a 92 on a project.  A 92???? We worked our butts off on that stupid project.  I was ready to go off on that psycho teacher! I deserved at least a 99 on that project.  I mean, he deserved at least a 99 on that project!! Seriously, did she not see how awesome that project was?  I was not invited to attend Carnegie Mellon for my artistic talents but they were as good as I could possibly do and that witch gives me a 92.  I mean, gave him a 92!!  How dare she!

(Read this like you are weeping uncontrollably.) This Sunday, between eating frozen Tyson chicken sandwiches and Domino's pizza, we had another project to do.  It was due yesterday and we worked on it all day!! It was great!! Sort of. But anyway, we got a 95 on it and again I am stabbed through the heart.  When will we...When will he get a 100???  I am gonna have to hire an artist to help my son with his projects from now on so we...he can get that elusive 100!!  I'm doing it!!  Any other parents out there have their self esteem seriously bruised by middle school teachers?  I may need therapy for many things but my bruised ego is right up there with issues which should be much more damaging to my psyche!!