Life Lesson #15,046-Let's Just Call Halloween What It Really Is

Let's just call Halloween what it really is.  It's begging.  Little people walking around the neighborhood in costumes and begging for candy.  Has anyone ever given these little people a trick instead of a treat?  Most of the people in our neighborhood are elderly and hate Halloween so the 5 houses that give out candy get swamped with people.  The kids that really try to dress up on Halloween, I love to see these kids coming.  They are so cute and I never mind giving out candy to these little beggars.  It's the 15-year old+ "kids" that I have a problem giving candy to.  The ones with deep voices and facial hair.  I am sorry if I am a Halloween Grinch but when your voice is deeper than Barry White's, you are probably too old to Trick or Treat.



Then there are the "kids" who don't even have on costumes and they drive themselves around the neighborhood.  Now if you can't even take the time to put on a mask, do you really think I should give you candy?  I mean I go to all the effort here!! I get in my car and drive to Target and get a few bags of candy to give to the sweet little children with the cute little costumes and you expect me to give you candy without even painting your face?  Wrong!! If you cannot even bother to put on a costume or even make one up, you probably shouldn't be Trick or Treating.



The one that really drove me over the edge was 2 years ago.  I am not kidding and you will think that I am lying, but I swear this is true.  One of the Trick or Treaters was about 8 months pregnant.  It was not part of her costume.  I saw this girls' actual pregnant belly.  Now y'all know that sometimes I may stretch the truth in this blog but this is no lie.  I have witnesses!! So here is another hint for ya...If you are about to deliver a baby, you probably shouldn't be out Trick or Treating.



Here is my thing.  My son is 13-years old and he hasn't Trick or Treated in several years. Not because I have told him that he is too old, too tall or too hairy but because even he knows better!  Honestly, would it be wrong to put up a sign with my list of expectations?  Maybe a sign stating something like this:  Do Not Trick or Treat Here If You 1.) Are older than 12-years old  2.) Aren't wearing a costume  3.) Are pregnant  4.) Drove yourself here.  Seriously, I want to give you a Trick if you are any of these things on this list!!  But, of course, I am a big ole chicken and don't want to have to pressure wash my house all day on Thursday because of my house getting egged so I will give your sorry, 17-year old, no costume wearing, pregnant self some candy!!



Now here is my dilemma.  I went to Party City to find my costume.  What will I choose?  The slutty nurse?  The slutty witch?  The slutty pirate?  The slutty devil?  Or just go as a slutty slut?

Happy Halloween, Everyone!!

Life Lesson #15,043-Let's Talk About Toys Part 2

Okay so yesterday we talked about children taking over our home with their "Stuff" and how toys are big and bold and then teeny tiny with many parts.  Today we are going to talk about board games.  The bane of my existence.  Am I the only person in history to hate board games?  I think they should be called bored games.  I can't stand hate them!!  So guess what?  I have a son who loves, loves, loves Monopoly.  These games can go on for hours.  I hate Checkers but I could usually mop the floor with him in a few minutes.  Then he took up Chess.  I am not cerebral enough for Chess.  I've never won a game of Chess.  That makes me hate it more.  Seriously though, board games are the worst.  If you bring one out at a party that I attend, you will see me go hide in the kitchen.  I even hate those games that are played at bridal and baby showers.  I am so sorry if I offend you (Well, not really.) but I refuse to play them.  I mean, I already bought you a darn gift, took the time to wrap it and deliver it to your shower, usually held on Saturday or Sunday afternoon during my nap time and now you want me to play a game?? Really?  Open your gift and give me a micro piece of cake.  What's up with the size of the pieces of cake at showers?  Why are they so small?  I spent $75 on your gift and all I get is 1/6 of a piece of cake and some stale mints?  COME ON!! 


Anyway, now that my son is older, his "Toys" have become increasingly more expensive.  His birthdays used to cost us $20 plus a birthday party but now we cannot afford the birthday parties anymore because his gifts are so expensive!!  When "Toys" turn into electronics, then you are in trouble.  He wanted a pair of those headphones that everyone is using now.  Sure, honey, I'll get you some. Let's go.  WHAT???  They cost how much???  Are you kidding me??  Headphones??  Those little ear buds work fine, right??  Here, how about these Panasonic ones??  Even the Bose headphones are cheaper!!  What does Dr. Dre know about sound that Bose doesn't know?  This guy is a freaking genius.  He has actually convinced people that he knows more than Bose!!  Every teenage boy has these earphones.  From $200-over $300 a pop, this guy is killing it!!  Freaking genius!! Toys are just medium sized now but very expensive!!
 

I was going to talk about toys for Mommies tomorrow but I just realized that tomorrow is Saturday and I take Saturdays off.  Oh well...

Life Lesson #15,038-What's In A Name?

Life Lesson #15,038-What's In A Name?

"What's in a name?"  I do believe Shakespeare said that.  What I think it means these days is this. Don't name your child something is going to embarrass them.  Simple!!  These people in Hollywood kill me with the names that they are giving these poor children.  When I was a kid I hated my name and I wanted my name to be "Kelly", like my best friend's name was.  Well now I just want to thank my parents for not naming me "Apple"!! Of course, Apple is the most normal name that has come out of Hollywood in years!  How about Jason Lee's son?  His name is "Pilot Inspektor".  Google it!! I swear it's true!!  David Duchovny and Tea Leoni named their kid, "Kyd". No, I am not kidding. How about "Moxie Crimefighter"? Yes, Penn Jillette named his daughter that.  The very best, I saved for last because they are Motown Royalty.  Jermaine and Michael Jackson take the cake with the naming of their sons.  Jermaine's son is named, "Jermajesty" and Michael's son is named "Blanket".  If you didn't know this, you have lived in a box for the past few years.  Who names their child "Blanket" or "Pilot Inspektor"?  These people are seriously insane.  They have been drinking too much Kool Aid in Hollywood.


So what do we do in the burbs?  Could we get away with naming our children crazy names?  No, we could not.  We just try not to give our children names that won't get them beat up on the playground or names that rhyme with curse words.  My sister ruled out "Tucker" this way.  Seriously, people, please don't name your child something embarrassing like "Sweatsock Larry" or "Moonstruck Luna Milan Anastasia Fredrika Lowlight". I swear when I was pregnant my husband and I went through the book of baby names and we could agree on one name and that is what we named him.  It is an ordinary name and doesn't rhyme with anything inappropriate!! Yay, me!!



Now, Look at the list of the names of the Presidents of the United States.  Until you get to Barack Obama, every one of them have a very Presidential sound.  Of course, George Washington sounds presidential because our nations capital is named after him but even William Jefferson Clinton sounds very presidential!!  Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, William Henry Harrison...see...Presidential, right??  One day we will have a president named Moxie Crimefighter? I don't think so.  Great name for a detective though.  How about President Pilot Inspektor Lee?  Bahahaha!  No, but again a great name for a detective. Apparently, there will be a lot of Hollywood children in the crime fighting business.  

Okay, now that I am off of my soapbox about the crazy names, let's really try and come up with names that mean something to us.  All of the old names are coming back in style.  A lot of the Biblical names are still great to use.  Think of someone who was influential in your life and tryout their name.  What about a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle or in law?  You could even use a last name in the middle name slot!  I did this.  My mother-in-law's maiden name is my son's middle name. I love this!!  So the reason this is important is because this Name will be with this baby/child/teen/adult forever.  It will be on their birth announcement and their gravestone.  Their diploma and their drivers license.  What's in a name?  Hopefully, not a fruit or vegetable.  Profound, right?

Life Lesson #15,035-Childish Things We Love As Adults

Life Lesson #15,035-Childish Things We Love As Adults

We have all heard parents yelling at their toddlers to sit down, get down, settle down, quieten down, calm down etc.  We have all heard parents yelling at their teenagers to stand up, get up, speak up, perk up, sit up and shut up.  So what do we do when we are adults?  When we are small children, everything is down and when we are teenagers everything is up, right?  Have you all noticed that?  Well, I have figured out that the things that we absolutely loathed as children are luxuries when we are adults.


Have any of you complained about taking a bath since the age of 30?  I mean, if I have 30 extra minutes in the evenings there is nothing more relaxing than taking a nice, hot, bubble bath.  Just soaking in the tub and being quiet is absolute bliss!!  When we are children, we hate to stop what we are doing long enough to wash the sandbox and backyard residue off of our feet and behind our ears.  As adults, just being able to take a shower uninterrupted is nice, but a bath, Ahhhhhhhh. Add a good book or scented candles and I may just stay in that bathtub for longer than a half an hour!


How about taking a nap?  I remember laying in my bed for hours every day when I was little because I would not go to sleep.  I remember laying on a cot and watching all of the other kindergarteners sleep because I would not take a nap.  I do believe that if I were given a cot in a room full of 20 other people now that I absolutely would take that teacher up on her offer for me to sleep.  There is nothing better than a nap especially after all the kids are off to school and the house is quiet.  Oh and if it is rainy that is just an added bonus.  I can't imagine why I fought taking a nap so hard when I was a child because sometime between the age of 5 and 40 I became a lover of the nap.  Even if I have 15 things to get done during the day, I would just rather take a nap.  That load of clothes can just wait to be folded!!  I could nap on a bed, a couch, a chair, a hammock, a chaise lounger, a beanbag, a loveseat, a futon, a porch swing or a beach chair.  I have a friend who swears that the best naps ever are in her car in the parking lot of the local library.  I'm not brave enough to try sleeping in public but she has her Ph.D and she sees nothing wrong with it so maybe I should try it!!  If you see my car at the library in town, please don't knock on the window!  Zzzzzzzz!!