Lesson 15,150-Aging Parents

Okay, so I have entered a new chapter in my life.  It's the hard part of life that everyone will eventually face.  In our 40's, we have our own children and families to take care of, friends who are in need of support and the part of our lives where we have aging parents.  In the past couple of months, I have attended a few funerals of people who I never even knew but they were one of my friend's parents and I had to be there for my friends, while also taking care of my family and aging parent.  Some of us are blessed to still have parents that are in good health at 90-something and some of us have parents who are 60-something and in failing health. This is tough.  So, in between taking care of our families, we make time for our parents who are aging and make casseroles for friends who have lost a parent.  We drive our children to soccer practice and drop off a casserole.  We go to the grocery store and run an errand for a friend in need.  We go to the doctor because at 40+ our bodies are falling apart and we need mammograms and colonoscopies and start having blood pressure problems and then we go to our parents house and fill up their medicine boxes for the week.  We take our parents to the doctor and pick up kids from school.  Some days we don't even get our beds made because we have so many things to do.  Some of us work and still manage to find time to do all of these things and still make time to bake a cake for a friend.  It's almost humorous the things that we find time to do with everything going on.  We have to find humor in these crazy times in our lives.  Throw in a load of laundry, take a shower, put the clothes in the dryer, go pick up the kids, restart the dryer, help with homework, restart the dryer, cook dinner, restart the dryer, get the kids ready for bed, restart the dryer, take my nighttime meds, load the dishwasher and go to bed.  Wake up in the morning, restart the dryer, take the kids to school, restart the dryer, call you sick parent, finally fold the clothes in the dryer.

Some of us have elderly parents or elderly in-laws who live with us.  I have tried to get one of my friends to write a blog about her "Adventures With Mom" but she won't but boy does she have some good ones. You have to see her act out what her Mom does for it to be funny.  Her Mom is a hoot and she doesn't even realize it!! She is in her 80's so she lived through a lot of things in her life.  She has lived through lots of Presidents, wars, the Civil Rights era and Women's Lib.  She has probably washed clothes on a washing board and couldn't figure out how to use her daughter's high-tech washing machine.  She lived before TV's were in every room. She lived when there weren't phones in everyone's home and before cell phones.  She probably doesn't know how to turn on a computer.  She probably sat around a radio and listened to The Lone Ranger.  She probably listened to Frank Sinatra on a scratchy record player.  Her Mom has to be a tough to have lived this long but she is getting frail and needs supervision. Same thing with lots of our aging parents.

My Dad is in his early 70's and has health issues.  Everyone will tell you how sweet he is and how much they love him and he has tons of friends but if he needs something, he only wants his daughters there to take care of him.  Getting him to understand medical jargon is up to me.  Getting to understand his finances is up to my sister. He takes medicines which have side effects so he has to take another medicine for a side effect and then that medicine causes him to have another issue.  Tack on surgery to that and then there is another side effect and more medications to combat all of those side effects.  He gets dehydrated easily which effects his kidneys.  His kidney tests are high and he doesn't understand that because he has never had problems with his kidneys.  Then he takes a medication for diabetes and it has side effects on the kidneys. He has to take fluid pills and that has side effects on his kidneys.  His feet are swollen and he won't keep them propped up and argues with me when I try to explain that gravity is not his friend when he has fluid built up so he has to keep them elevated above his heart.  That just makes him angry to have to sit around with his feet propped up and sleep with his feet elevated.  Then he needs to eat more protein so he calls me every 2 hours to see if it is okay to eat something like peanut butter or bacon.  Salt isn't your friend when you have fluid overload but he likes bacon and he likes grits with salt so he's going do what he wants to do and then complains about the fluid!!!  "Well, Daddy, the swelling won't go down if you don't keep those feet up and lower your salt intake!!"  And at what age do you start counting your bowel movements every day?  "If you have one, Daddy, you're fine!!" If he has only one, he gets worried that he is constipated.  If he has three or more, he's worried that he has diarrhea.  So, I pray that he has 2 every day!!  I'm quite sure that I will do whatever I want to do when I am in my 70's!!  If I live to be 73, and I want bacon and my sodium level is high and I have fluid on my ankles, I am still going to eat bacon!!!  Then I am going to call my son and ask him why my feet are swelling!!

We have to find humor in our aging parents!!  We have to be there for our friends when a parent passes away.  Nothing meant more to me than looking over and seeing 2 rows of beautiful ladies at my stepmother's funeral.  (She was my Mom for 24 years. My Mom died in a car accident when I was 9-years old so Katherine was my mom for much longer than my real Mom.  Of course, I will always love my real Mom and Katherine because she treated me as her own.  She saw me graduate, get married and have my son. She wiped my tears when my heart got broken.  She gave me advice about life and she was always right!!!  Of course, I didn't think she was as smart as she really was until I was about 25-years old and then I realized that she wasn't stupid!!  She was right!!)  We have to be there for our family.  We drive kids hither and yon.  We help with impossible school projects.  We cheer for them at sporting events in the freezing cold and the scorching heat.  We have to keep the house and clothes clean, no matter how many times we restart the dryer.  We have to take care of our spouses.  We have to be there for our siblings. We have to be there for friends, family and loved ones.  We have to do things to better our community.  We have to make sure our children know that not everyone lives like they do.  There are people who have it way better and way worse.  That's Life!

This time of life is definitely the hardest. Being there for everyone is tough and sometimes a juggling act.  If you find time for a little exercise and a nap occasionally, don't be hard on yourself.  Take some time for you!!  I need a manicure and pedicure really bad so I am a little bit glad that it is winter because my toenails look horrid!!  My eyebrows look like a caveman and my wrinkles have not been Botoxed in quite some time!!  Sorry, I look like this but I've been taking care of  "My People"!!

Lesson #15,095-ABC's of Aging

Okay, so we all have heard of the ABC's of Life so I'm gonna tell you about the ABC's of Aging.  These are all true and I will not sugar-coat any of it!!

A is for Acne. Yes, acne.  If I have to have acne again, I want my teenage body back!!
B is for Botox.  Y'all know I love my Botox and need it often!!
C is for Cellulite.  Or as I like to call it, Body Braille.
D is for Dementia.  We all think that this is for the very old, well, sorry folks I can't remember crap now!!!!
E is for Eyebrows.  They will no longer be where they used to be.
F is for Flatulence.  Yep.  You won't be able to eat just any old thing anymore.  Farting is just a butt whisper.
G is for Gray.  I like to think of gray hair as my personality sparkling!!  Hair dye is your friend!!
H is for Hemorrhoids.  If you have had a baby, you have had them.  Only a lucky few get to keep them!!
I is for Insomnia.  You young folks think we are slow but in reality we are sleep deprived.
J is for Jowls.  Sagging jowls. 
K is for Kidneys.  Men can't go and women can't stop going.  It's a problem!
L is for Libido.  It's nonexistent. 
M is for Molting.  Nice way of saying that you are losing your hair by the handfuls. (Women too!!)
N is for Night Sweats. Ah the joys of being a hormonal woman!! We're up. We're down. We're hot!!
O is for Osteoporosis.  Yes, it is possible that I am shrinking!!
P is for Pharmacist.  Find one that you like and get to know them. You will be seeing this person a lot.
Q is for Quick Tempered.  Also known as Grumpiness!
R is for Rotten Attitude.  Also known as Grumpiness!
S is for Swelling. Everything swells. Ankles. Feet.  Fingers. Waistline.
T is for Tinnitus.  Ringing in the ears.  It's annoying!!
U is for Underwear. Underwear will get larger as you age. G-strings aren't sexy if you have hemorrhoids.
V is for Vision Problems.  The day you turn 40, buy some reading glasses. Start saving for bi-focals!!
W is for Wrinkles.  What else??  Oh yeah! Weight gain!! Weariness!!  Weathered!!
X is for X-Rays.  Like Mammograms and Bone Density Tests!!  No, they aren't fun but get them!!
Y is for Yeast Infections.  Every time you take an antibiotic, you WILL get one!!
Z is for Zombielike.  This is what I feel like most of the time.  No energy. Hunched over. Barely able to put one foot in front of the other!!
 
(I actually love this man's face!!)

There are so many things to look forward to as we age.  I do believe that my least favorite thing are these stupid, ugly spots all over my hands, arms, legs and feet.  If you are young, WEAR SUNSCREEN!! Look, aging is not for the weak, the faint of heart or for anyone who doesn't like change.  Your face will change.  Your body will change.  Your hair will change.  Your organs will change. That's just part of life.

You know you are getting old when "Happy Hour" is a nap.  Aging is like underwear.  It creeps up on you!! 

Lesson #15,072-Girl's Trips Have Come To This...

I remember going on girls trips and having so much fun.  Acting like caged animals who have been released on a 2 day pass.  Drinking wine and doing Jello shots and dancing and singing and staying up late.  I have been on some crazy girls trips and some really fabulous girls trips to some fabulous places. Well, let me just tell you.  Times have changed.  My BFF and I went to Ocean Isle, another fabulous place, last Thursday and got there in time for lunch.  Then we went over to the grocery store and bought, not wine and Jello but junk food to eat for dinner.  We, no joke, bought cheese and crackers, shrimp and cocktail sauce, and candy.  We went home and put on our pajamas, ate cheese and crackers and shrimp and then had a dessert of candy bars.  We could have gone out to a restaurant, a bar, a club, anywhere we wanted because we were free but we are so lame that we just went home and put on our pajamas!!  We watched reality TV and talked to our children on the phone and went to bed!!  The next day we went shopping all day long.  Then we went to a restaurant and went home and ate cotton candy and didn't have to share it with anyone!! That was the highlight of my trip!!  I ate every bit of mine just because I didn't have to share it.  I am sure that my blood sugar level was over 400 but I didn't care!!  It was mine.  All mine!!

So what happened?  I mean, just a couple of years ago I was dancing and drinking and having a great time.  I really did enjoy myself but now I just want to put on pajamas and go to bed early on my girls trips from now on.  I don't want to have to drive anyone anywhere.  I don't want to watch anything on TV that is animated or has furry characters.  I want to watch trashy reality TV.  I want to wear fuzzy slippers and a thick robe.  If someone could come and give me a massage, that would just top off the trip!!  I seriously have no interest in staying up late, I feel like crap the next day.  I have no interest in drinking, I feel like crap the next day.  I have no interest in partying it up because, well, I feel like crap the next day. At my age, feeling like crap the next day is so not worth it anymore!!  Plus the whole being responsible thing.  Driving carpool with a hangover isn't much fun.  Doing homework with your middle school aged child is definitely no fun with a hangover.  Actually, that's no fun without a hangover but with one is horrible!!  At my age, a hangover lasts not just a few hours the next morning but days!!

So I guess my definition of "Partying" has changed.  I now attend parties.  I now throw parties. I now RSVP to parties.  I now am late for parties but a party is just an event now.  It is only a noun and not a verb. That's what it is.  Not a verb anymore!!  Just a noun!!
BEFORE 40 & CHILDREN:
 
AFTER 40 & CHILDREN:

Oh and did I mention that I loved every minute of going to bed early and eating junk food??  I may be lame but I love it!!!

Lesson #15,056-At "The Show" I Realized I'm Lame!!

If you are from the Charlotte, NC area, you know that every year we have a wonderful tradition.  The Southern Christmas Show.  It is a great show to see what is hot in Christmas decorations and then there is everything else.  There is every type of food that you can imagine.  There are dips, cheeses, Moravian cookies & breads, candied nuts, pastries and oh my goodness, freshly made doughnuts.  They put these hot mini doughnuts in a little bag with either cinnamon sugar or powdered sugar and shake it around and it is the most wonderful confection that you have ever put in your mouth!! YUMMO!!  There are Christmas wreaths, trees, decorated mantles, table displays and even bedroom Christmas decor.  Then there is every craft that you can imagine and every gadget and fad that is hot right now.  So, anyway, I go every year and buy the newest hippest thing and cannot remember what the hot thing was last year!! My friend and I went yesterday and instead of coming home with wonderful decorations, I came home with this really fabulous stain remover and these heat packs/cold packs that you don't have to heat in the microwave.  Good for the aching and aging joints and muscles!  What the Hell happened to me?  I used to spend hundreds of dollars every year on decorations.  I guess since I am older, I have tons of decorations so I bought sensible stuff instead of stuff that I already have!! Now I want to go back and buy a bunch of crap and all of those dip and soup mixes that I used to buy.  Why did I do that???  (As I sit here with one of my new heat packs on my shoulders!  The most wonderful heat that I have ever felt, by the way!! And looking at the stains on the arms of my sofa that I cannot wait until tomorrow to clean off!!)  Oh how times have changed!! If y'all see me wearing sensible shoes, please shake me!!!!!  You know that I have gone over to the dark side of old age!!



Happy Southern Christmas Show Week, y'all!!

Life Lesson #15,052-Ya Can't Have "It" Forever

It's true.  No matter how much Botox, filler, plastic surgery, lifting this or tucking that, you cannot have "It" forever.  What is "It"?  I don't know.  I just know that I no longer have it.  I am not sure when I lost it but it is gone.  I used to drive down the road and men in work trucks used to blow the horn and whistle and say rude and crude things to me.  I would flip them the bird and drive away.  I used to walk past construction workers and they would just about fall off the roof checking me out.  I used to get so offended.  I used to curse them!!  Now??  Nobody has accosted me in ages. Nobody has whistled at me.  Nobody has almost wrecked their work truck checking me out.  Nobody has shouted obscene comments at me lately and I am upset about it.  What the heck?  I have lost it!!



What did I lose?  I thought if you had "it" you would always have it.  Apparently, I was wrong.  Just because I have a few extra pounds and a few more gray hairs (which I color every 5 weeks) and a few more wrinkles and age spots, who cares??  Shoot me a whistle once in a while.  I will probably roll my eyes and act all offended but in reality, I will be saying "YES" in my mind!! 



If you are a construction worker, a garbage collector, a road worker or even a prisoner picking up trash on the side of the road, for Pete's sake, holler at us older women!!  We still feel like we got it.  We may be living in denial but throw us a bone!!  Offend us!! Yell "Hey Baby" at us.  Give us a whistle!!  A little "Woooooo" would be good too.  Throw in a "Let me get your digits" and we will be so happy.  Please do it when we are coming out of exercise classes so that we have on our spandex!!  Don't forget that we have to act like we hate it but just know that you are doing a good deed!!

Life Lesson #15,050-Your Children Only Get One Childhood

Okay, this one is for parents.  We all know how quickly time passes but to our children, their childhood passes slowly.  The longest 12 years of my life were when I was in school.  I remember how slowly time seemed to creep by.  Once I got married and started a family time sped up.  As soon as my son was born, life has seemed to pass at light speed.  I have to remember that for him time is passing slower than for me.  I have to remember that he only has one childhood.  Will he look back on his childhood and smile?  Will he say that I was always there for him?  Will he think that I spent enough time with him?  Will he feel loved?  Will he want to come home to visit or just come see us at Christmas, out of obligation?  When he gets married will he want to live nearby or want to move as far away as possible?  All of these questions are being determined right now and I have to remember this. If I don't want my son to move across the country when he grows up, I have to play Checkers with him now.  If I want to enjoy seeing my grandchildren in 25 years, I had better give him hugs and kisses today.

 

Life gets so busy and everyone knows that I love a nap but it is more important to make sure that my son knows that I have time for him than to take a nap sometimes.  I miss that snuggle time that we used to have when he was younger.  I could wrap my arms around him and he would snuggle up to me and go to sleep in 5 minutes.  Now he's too big and too busy and sometimes too stinky!!  I really miss those days!! Like I said, it goes too fast.  Speed of light fast!!  If you have ever read the book "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch, you know the unconditional love that any good mother has for her children.  It's the kind of love that fills your entire heart.  It cannot be explained.  It can only be felt.  You feel it the moment you look into the face of your child for the first time. 

 

Okay so my point in all of this rambling is that our children get to be kids once and we only get one chance to be great parents.  Our words shape who they are and who they become.  Our time means more to our children than what we can give them materially.  We are responsible for their needs.  Their needs include not only clothing, food and shelter but also time! That is the one thing that costs us nothing but means so much. Spend time with your "babies" today!!  (Forever my baby you'll be.) 

Life Lesson #15,048-Ma'am??

OMG!! Within 30 seconds two different people called me ma'am yesterday!! When did that happen?  When did I become a ma'am?  I know that I live in the South and there are gentlemen here, but ma'am??  One girl was about 19-years old but the other person was a man about my age.  Did he think I was older than him or was he just  being a Southern gentleman??  Did the word "Ma'am" directly correlate to my age or was it just him being polite?  What the heck??  Am I ready to be a ma'am?  I mean, I haven't gone through ma'am training.  I haven't read the rules of what being a ma'am requires.  What do I need to change?  Would I need to change anything at all?  I'm a little afraid of the life after the ma'am becomes permanent.  Will I be required to be proper?  Do I need to wear white gloves to tea?  Do I need to go to tea? Should I find ladies to go to tea with?  Where can I get tea?  Are my friends ready to be ma'ams too?  It is a huge responsibility to be a ma'am.  I don't think I am worthy of the title just yet!!  I mean, I don't wear pearls and eat scones daily.  I do not even use The Queen's English!! Oh for Pete's sake!! I am not ready for the ma'am thing!! I just am not ready for it!!  Maybe a few more years and maybe once I am nominated to the Garden Club or The Women's Club.  Who am I kidding?  Who's gonna nominate me to those exclusive clubs???  Hahaha!!  So, we agree that I am not ready for this Ma'am responsibility, right?



So what do I say to someone who says something like, "Excuse me, ma'am"?  Should I correct them and let them know immediately that I have not been accepted into that exclusive club yet?  Should I just keep my mouth shut and let them think that I am part of that upper echelon of society?  What to do??? What to do??? Ma'am is really a title that should only be worn by those who deserve it, like a Princess, Queen, Lady, Madame, etc.   Can I refuse to be a ma'am or am I required to take the title when more than one person calls me ma'am in the same day?  I need help!!!

I think if you are under 20-years old, you are a young 'un but at what age are you a ma'am?  Please don't tell me that I must accept it when people start calling me ma'am!! I refuse!!!

Life Lesson #15,047-The Human Body Won't Last Forever!

Good Grief!  What is the deal with the body starting to fall apart so young?  I can deal with some things but to look at myself when I was 29 and now that I am 39, ahem, 40, okay, okay, I'm 42!!  It just rips my little ole heart out!! What the heck happened to me??  I did not have jowls!! I did not have a muffin top!! I did not have gray hair!! I did not have achy joints!! I did not have saddlebags on my thighs and I most certainly did not have sagging boobs!! What the heck??  Then I look at my husband, the jerk!!  He was too skinny when we got married so now that he has put on a few pounds and has some laugh lines, he actually looks better!! The nerve of him!!

So I have to go to the orthopedic doctor tomorrow because my shoulder is hurting and I am not sure what I have done to it.  I am seriously considering having him x-ray my knee and one of my fingers because they hurt also!!  Why not just have a full body scan?  What the heck??  I have shrunk from 5'1" to 4'11".  Something must be wrong with my bones! Don't you dare say osteoporosis!!

 

No wonder so many people fork out tons of money for plastic surgery, Botox, fillers, hair dye and Spanx!! We cannot stand to age!!  Someone said that they wish everyone would just stop everything that they were doing and fight fair against this aging thing.  I say, "Heck No!!"  I can't let middle age win!! As long as I can afford a Sharpie I will never have roots!!  Haha!!  I mean, aging doesn't fight fair.  Why should I just let it win?  It will win in the end anyway, right?  Maybe I will start senility early.  Hmm. Come to think of it, maybe I already am senile.  I mean, how would I know?

Getting old stinks but coming to the realization that you have already felt the best you are ever gonna feel is depressing!!  Achy bones, graying hair, sagging body parts and the ever expanding waistline is for the birds!! Every time I almost fall down I think about how much I don't want to break a hip!  No contact sports for me!! I will just sit here and knit!!  Okay, I won't knit but I'm not going to be running bases and catching passes!! That's for sure!!

Let's make every day count!! Every gray haired, age spotted, sagging here and there, false toothed one of us!! 

Life Lesson 15,006-Embrace Your Age

Life Lesson 15,006-Embrace Your Age.
And by that I don't mean we have to embrace gray hair and wrinkles.  Color your hair, get Botox or a face lift if you feel the need but we should embrace whatever stage we are in life.  I remember being in high school and thinking that I couldn't wait until I graduated and was on my own and could do anything that I wanted to do.  What was I thinking?  Why didn't I just embrace being 16-years old?  I mean, Daddy paid the bills.  I didn't have to worry about anything other than studying and what I was going to wear to school the next day.  End of list!!  When I finally was "on my own" and had to worry about paying for my car, telephone, electricity, food, clothing, etc. I found out really quickly that it wasn't so great!  When I turned 30, I thought it was the end of the world.  I had a really hard time with 30.  I wasn't in my 20's anymore.  I had to grow up and be mature!! Who wants to do that??  Once I turned 40, I was much better equipped for life.  I began not letting every little thing in life bother me.  I stopped caring if someone was talking about me because I embraced my flaws. I will never be 5'7".  Who cares?  I will never be a size 0.  Who cares?  I'm never going to have a filter on my mouth.  Who cares?  Well, maybe I need to work on that one a little bit.  My point is that Life is Good so why do we let what others think of us bother us? I wouldn't trade my stretch marks and muffin top for the life that they brought into the world.  They are just battle scars of child birth!  TOWANDA!!

Let's all stop worrying about what others think of us.  Apologize if you need to.  If not, then let the haters hate.  I wish I could get into young people's heads and give them the knowledge that life does get better.  Just because you aren't in the cool crowd in high school doesn't mean that you are not somebody in life.  Yes, your heart will get broken but that just prepares you for the one who would never break your heart.  People are going to talk about you but that just means that you are relevant. Love doesn't hurt.  Love feels good.  Your true friends will never hurt you.  They will build you up when you feel low.  Love happens.  Sadness happens.   Not everyone is going to like you.  You won't be great at everything you try.  Disappointment happens.  People will let you down.  Find your joy in life and pursue it. Enjoy whatever stage in life you are in.  There will be good points to each stage in life and as long as they outweigh the bad, then you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Learn from your mistakes and don't make them over and over. "Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from poor judgement"!! Embrace life now!!

Today's Life Lesson #15,003-Aging isn't for wimps.

Life Lesson #15,003-Aging isn't for wimps.   What is the deal with with the skin under my neck?  It used to be so tight and smooth and where it is supposed to be!! Now I have a turkey neck!! "They" say the neck is the first thing to go on a woman.  And how about my upper arms?  When I wave at you with my hand, it looks like I'm waving with my upper arm too! I have 2 hairs that grow out of my chin like eyelashes! Don't even get me started on this belly fat that won't go away!! When I was 20-years old I could eat anything I wanted, drink anything I wanted, never exercise, sleep for 2 hours at night and still look good! Now I can't even look at a cupcake without gaining 5 pounds.  I can't drink soda and have a flat tummy.  I exercise 3-4 days per week and still can't get those rock hard abs.  I can't remember anything.  I may or may not be hormonal.  I'm not sure. I can't tell right now.  Yes, I am.  No, I'm not. Anyway, I used to laugh at my grandparents for going to bed at 7:00PM but now it seems like a really good idea!!  Oh and naps are a real treat!!

Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the opportunity to grow old gracefully, but it ain't gonna happen!  Yes, I color my hair every 6 weeks.  Yes, I get Botox every couple of months.  Yes, I bleach my age spots. Is it wrong to fight it tooth and nail?  Women absolutely hate showing signs of aging.  Why do you think every other commercial on TV is about aging, age spots, wrinkle reducer, hair color or some other product for the "Golden Years".  "Golden Years" my eye!! Why do "they" call it the "Golden Years"?  It should be the Rusty Years!  Let's just be honest.  Aging isn't for wimps!!

Why is aging easier for men?  They get gray hair and laugh lines and they are "Distinguished"! What a crock!  I get gray hair and laugh lines and I am old?  I mean, who set that standard?  Yep, probably a woman! I told you, we hate aging!!

Okay Ladies, Let's band together and fight this battle together!! We're tough!! We can handle it!! Onward!! Upward!!  Okay, I'm tired already.  Who else wants a nap?  Let's do that now and the fight thing later...

I saw this and thought it summed it up:  (Sorry for the bad word, but it's funny.)