Lesson #15,070-The Many 1sts Once You Become A Mom

Once you become a mom, you have many "firsts".  I am not talking about first birthdays or first steps or first teeth.  Those are the easy firsts.  I am talking real firsts!  Here are some of my "1st's" once I became a Mom:  I bet you have never before had someone else vomit down the front of your shirt and into your cleavage, sometimes soaking your bra to the point that it could be wrung out with your hands. That being said, the FIRST time you smell that vomit will be another milestone 1st!!

I bet you have never had someone else's pee shot into your eyes, nose and mouth.  (If you have, then you are one of those freaks!!) This one, though, you will laugh about!!  No, really, you will.  Not at that moment but you will some time later.

Another 1st is having to take care of something and keep it alive on 2.2 hours of sleep.  (And that is not consecutive sleep. That is total sleep.) You wonder if that little bundle of joy will ever sleep.  How could it sleep so soundly and wake up so angry?  What made it so full of rage when 20 seconds ago it was the most beautiful, peaceful sight that you have ever beholden in your entire life?  You even wonder how lungs so small could be so strong.  Could this kid be the next Michael Phelps?  He's definitely got swimmer's lungs!!

The first time you try and figure out a car seat.  What the Hell?  For all of us adults we just have one strap and we weigh 120 pounds (wink, wink) more than this little critter.  Why are they in four point harnesses?  I mean, are they a mental patient or a baby, for goodness sake?

The first time that precious baby poops more than you do and it goes completely out of the diaper, running down the baby's legs and up his back, all the way up to his hairline. But??? How??? The poop is literally bigger than the baby.  You have to look around to see if Ashton Kutcher has Punk'd you because you know it has to be a joke.  Then you get to figure out how to change the baby.  Should I just clean the baby with wipes or put him in the baby bath tub?  The answer is always the baby bath tub.  Don't bother trying the wipes.  Just trust me on this one!!

The first time you try to leave the house with the baby.  By the time you get all of the gear that you will need or could possibly need packed, you will have missed whatever you were going to.  The baby bag will need diapers, wipes, a changing pad, a couple of bottles, pacifier, a toy, blanket, a hat, a change of clothes or 2, bibs, teething ring, gum ointment, gas drops, Tylenol for infants, Motrin for infants, the nose sucker thingy, a syringe, ear plugs (for the husband), nose plugs (also for the husband), disposable gloves (again for the husband) and a burp cloth.  Then you have to get your purse, keys, the baby carrier, stroller...Yeah, never mind.  I told you it would be over before you left the house the first time!!!!  We missed church several times before we got it right!! And that was on 2.2 hours of sleep.

But then there is the first that makes it all worthwhile.  The first time that you have ever felt this way about any other living being.  I mean, yes, you loved your parents, your siblings, your spouse, etc. but you have never, ever felt so much love for something.  I try to explain the love that you have for your child to a person who doesn't have kids yet but all I can say is this.  It is a love that fills your entire heart.  You can actually feel it growing the moment that you look at that baby for the first time.  You know that you love the baby while it is still inside your stomach but once that baby is out and you see that precious baby, you know that you would die for that tiny baby right then and there. It really is like your heart being outside of your body from then on.

Lesson #15,065-Stuff Moms Say

There are some things that only moms say.  If you have infants or toddlers, you say a lot of things that you wouldn't normally say.  They sound insane unless you are a mom and you have actually said these things before.  Some things a mom of an infant may say:  "Awe. Look at that cute little poop".  "Who puked on my new shoes? You did, you cute little lima bean".  "What are you doing you sweet little punkin? You need to go to sleep precious". "Whose little man is up again at 3am?"

Conversation changes a little when they are not newborn infants.  When they are just babies it starts like this:  "Holy Cow, that is a huge poop!!"  "That Stinks!!"  "Another outfit ruined by baby puke.  I think I will just wear black pajamas until this kid is 5!"  "Puh leeze GO TO SLEEP!!!"  "Why, oh why, are you up again at 3am? Shouldn't you be sleeping through the night by now!??!"  "Doctor, this baby is driving me insane.  Why isn't she sleeping through the night yet?"

Toddler conversation..."Take that out of your nose!!"  "Don't put that in your ear!"  "Stop biting the cat." "Where did you find that binky?"  "Is that dog fur between your teeth?"  "How did you get pancakes in your diaper?"  "Is that a pea in your belly button?"  "What happened to my other shoe?"  "Is that catfood in your mouth?"  "Dear God, please help me not to lose my mind today!"  "Are those teeth marks on the vacuum cleaner?" "Please don't go out the doggie door again, son!" "Don't eat the Crayon!!"  "Don't eat the Play-Doh!"  "Don't eat the remote control!!"

The conversation is ever evolving as the child ages but we still sound mental to those who haven't been blessed with children yet.  Who else do you ask if they have brushed their teeth?  Who else do you check on just to be sure they are breathing?  Who else would you die for?  Who else would you pull snot plugs out of their nose for?  Who else would you have to save the parakeet from?  Who else do you read the same book to every night for 4 years?  Who else do you sing "You Are My Sunshine" to every morning?  Who else have you kissed a billion times and it still isn't enough?  Who else would you change back to that projectile puking, stinky poopey diapered, helpless baby if given the chance?  I would clean green peas out of his belly button every day if I could make my son little again.  And I would do it in a heartbeat!!!  Wouldn't you??

Lesson #15,063-The Non-Joys of Pregnancy and After That Nobody Will Tell You

Ahh, yes.  The joys of being pregnant and having those sweet babies.  Is there anything more wonderful than that?  No.  Absolutely NOT!!  But...Okay, I'm about to tell you the truth about all of that crap!!  First, while you are pregnant your body goes through many, many changes.  Your belly goes from a cute little baby bump to an enormous, alien implanted, hot air balloon. Even though you give birth to an 8 pound alien, your stomach does not flatten out right away.  I could not believe that my belly was the same exact size after having my son as it was when I went into the delivery room.  What the heck?  Then I ended up with one big stretch mark on my belly after rubbing that stupid cocoa butter all over it, every day along with Vitamin E.  I have about 14 stretchmarks on my hips!! What in the world??  Then the breasts.  Wow, what a serious change do they go through. Before pregnancy, the breasts are nice and perky.  Usually not too big or too small.  During pregnancy they begin to swell and by the time the baby is born, you really believe that they cannot swell any more but to your surprise, when your milk comes in your breasts look like water balloons and they are so sore that you cannot even walk without holding them still.  Your husband will think that they are the most beautiful things that he has ever seen but do not, I repeat, DO NOT let him touch them!! You will truly be sorry and he will be too because you would have already kicked his soft spot so hard that he will feel his testicles beating in his heart.

There are a few more things that should be mentioned in those pregnancy books that are not.  Let's talk about hemorrhoids. You may never have had them before but after carrying a child that is pushing everything you have down already and then you push out that baby, YOU WILL HAVE THEM!!  When they get really bad, you can sit in a tub of the hottest water that you can stand and they will shrink a little.  Some go away and some stay.  Just according to your luck!  I am unlucky so there they are!!! 13 years later!!  Okay, now the one thing that I never even heard of was the incredible sense of smell that you develop when you are pregnant.  I could smell any odor or aroma from the day of conception!!  Smells that I loved now made me sick to my stomach.  Once while I was pregnant, I was in the drive thru line at McDonald's (Don't Judge) and I had my windows up and no AC or Heat running in my car and I could smell a cigarette burning from 2 cars ahead of me in the line.  Seriously!! I thought I smelled cigarette smoke and looked all around and finally spotted the driver flicking his ashes from the car ahead of the car in front of me in line.  To me, it smelled like he was in the car with me!!  It was crazy!!

Oh and then there is the miserable breathing thing.  You cannot catch your breath during the last few weeks of pregnancy.  You cannot get comfortable and then not being able to breathe is even worse than that.  Your nose gets all stopped up and then your nose spreads all the way across you face!!  It is amazing.  It looks like someone has taken a flat iron to it!!  You actually feel like a pug and sound like one too!!  Snort, wheeze, snot.  Kleenex is your friend.  I never saw any of this in those lovey, dovey, sweet talk, sugar-coated pregnancy books.  Oh and if you take Lamaze, don't let that dumbass old lady that teaches your course talk you into trying childbirth without an epidural.  Trust me on this one.  She is just pissed that she didn't get one when she was having her children!!  If you can do it without an epidural then good for you.  I didn't and I don't feel guilty about it!!  Not once have I thought, "Hmmm.  Maybe I should have tried to have that baby without the epidural and have all of that pain."!!  Seriously, not even once!!!  Oh and breastfeeding is a great thing but it is not for everyone. Some people don't want to do it.  Some people want to do it and can't.  If it is stressing you out then buy the formula and don't let anyone guilt you for not doing it!!  It's your baby, not theirs!!

There is a lot that we aren't told about during pregnancy.  These are just a few things.  Listen, learn to enjoy your baby.  Don't stress about anything because the baby can tell when you are stressed.  Sleep when the baby sleeps.  The dishes will still be there when you wake up from your nap.  The beds don't have to be made.  The toys don't have to be picked up every 15 minutes.  Trust me on these things!!