Lesson #15,093-Is The Kitty Trying To Kill Me?

Okay, so there is this book that is for sale and I haven't read it yet but I think maybe I should.  The book is titled "How To Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You".  I am positive that my cat(s) are trying to kill me.  If these cats were humans, I would have kicked them out a long time ago.  Any human that stalks me, even when I am on the potty doing #2, would be OUT!!  Any human that follows me 24/7 would be OUT!!  Any human who walked across 3,000 square foot of hardwood floors to throw up on my tapestry rug would be OUT!!  Any human who headbutted me for attention would be OUT!!  Any human who pissed in a box would be OUT!!  Why do we put up with this crap from our cats?

We have 3 cats.  There is Blackie who is, of course, black.  Blackie is one of about 3 black cats that we have had.  All named Blackie because we are just that lame.  Blackie was rescued from a construction site.  This cat looked like a skeleton and my husband asked the cat if she wanted to come home with us and that cat jumped into his Benz and now lives the good life.  She is no longer a skeleton.  She is fat and happy.  She's a pretty good cat but she cannot meow.  She tries but she sounds more like a kitty with laryngitis.  Bless her heart.  You don't think she wants to kill me, do ya?

Then there is Abby.  She was rescued from a firehouse.  Someone dropped her at a fire station.  Then one of the firemen asked my friend if she could get rid of this little kitty at her yard sale.  Of course, she didn't and she felt terrible and took the kitty home.  But, alas, her daughter is severely allergic to cats so she asked if we would take her in.  Well, my son is sweet on her daughter and he immediately said, "Yes. Mrs. Thompson.  We can take the kitty."  So there.  Abby is a tabby.  She is probably our 3rd or 4th tabby named Abby.  Again, we are just that lame. She has turned into my baby.  She follows me wherever I go.  If I go upstairs, she goes upstairs.  If I lay down, she lays down right beside me and has to be touching me!! She "helps" me make beds every day.  And by "help" I mean, she jumps on the bed and lays in the middle of the bed and looks at me like "You will not straighten this comforter!!" and I just allow this behavior.  She is also my stalker. If I go outside, she stands by the door and WAITS.  And by "waits" I really mean STALKS!  I guess she loves me because when I go upstairs, she is under my feet and frequently trips me!  You don't think she's trying to kill me, do ya? 

And now we come to Crazy Kitty.  Crazy Kitty was not always named Crazy Kitty.  His name was Andy.  We adopted him and another girl tabby kitty from the local animal shelter.  (Her name was Annie and she ran away.  Actually, she is still around.  She probably found a better home without children.)  Anyway, Crazy Kitty is the one who ALWAYS throws up on my tapestry rug.  It just confounds me why he MUST go to this rug only!!  Why not a nice fluffy bathmat which can be thrown into the washing machine easily?  Why not the nice wood floor?  Why not the tile floor?  Why not the kitchen rug?  Why not the nice new rug by the front door?  NOOOOOO.  He goes to the one nice rug that I have in my house!!!  The one that I have to have professionally cleaned.  This cat is truly crazy.  He has always been a literal frady cat.  He is afraid of his own shadow. He has been crazy since the day we got him.  He lived several days behind the couch when he first got here. He would be a gorgeous cat if he didn't scratch his hair out because he is so crazy.  Giving this cat his flea medicine is playing with fire!!  This cat will scratch your face off with his back claws!  If you come to visit me, Crazy Kitty will hide and you will never see him. You don't think he's trying to kill me, do ya?

Well.  The cat in this picture does look like Crazy Kitty.  Hmmmm.