Lesson #15,135-Dads and Moms. Yep We Parent Much Differently

Okay, so we all know moms and dads parent differently but is one the more fun parent?  Is there a good cop/bad cop thing going on?  One is a pushover and one is strict?  One is very careful and the other is reckless?  I swear there is something to this!  Hear me out!!

Moms tend to be gentle and loving. We get the kids all calmed down and ready for bed and the dads start rolling around on the floor with them and holding them up in the air by their ankles and swinging them around and around and around.  Then Dad wants them to be quiet so he can watch TV and he falls asleep on the couch and leaves mom to get the kids calmed back down and ready for bed.  Sound familiar?  Dads are rougher!!

Since moms are with the kids more we can overlook more infractions.  Dad walks in from work and the kids are bouncing off the walls and screaming and running around and mom is oblivious.  As long as nobody is screaming bloody murder and they're not bothering Mom, she doesn't care.  Dad looks at Mom like she is off her rocker, which she probably is from being home with these wild children all day.  Dad walks into the living room and says "What in the world is going on in here?" and the kids look like a deer in the headlights. They are thinking "Oh shit. Dad's home. Gotta behave now".  Mom could have said to be quiet, calm down, sit down or chill out 100 times but Dad just has to say it once.  Makes no sense!!  Mom gave birth to you rugrats and you listen to Dad??

Dads hear the same story about what happened today at school and have a way different perspective about what to do the next time it happens.  Here is the story that the kid tells:  "I was at school today, minding my own business and this kid said that I was a poopy head".  Mom will say, "Well, honey, just try to be nice to this kid" or "just ignore him" and Dad walks in and hears the same story and says, "You walk up to this kid and punch him in the nose".  No joke!!  Dad says he doesn't care if you get suspended, you just better not take crap from that kid ever again and that kid's dad was a nerd in high school.

At the soccer games, the moms sit on the sidelines talking and cheering on the kids and telling them "good job".  Dads stand on the sidelines screaming at the kids and telling them to "push that kid back when he pushes you".  Guess who gets in more altercations at soccer games?  Don't get me wrong, I have been in an altercation at the soccer field too but it was with a DAD!!!  He let his team say "F*** You", instead of "Good Game".  He was the coach and let his team be bad sports!!

The sex talk is another difference that parents have.  Moms explain it all in great detail.  We explain the dangers of sex too young, sex with random people, how you can get in a lot of trouble and how it can ruin your life and your plans for achieving your dreams and goals.  Dads just say "Don't do it" and "Protect yourself"!  Actually some dads are like "Atta boy"!!  What to do?? What to do??

So who is more fun?  Mom or Dad?  I say MOM!!!  Of course, I would say that!!

Lesson #15,134-Boys or Girls? Which Is Easier?

Okay, so everyone has an opinion about which is the easier sex to raise.  Some say boys and some say girls.  The arguments that I hear don't always apply to every child so don't write me saying that I am wrong!!  Here is the argument for the girls.  Girls are calmer.  Girls are sweetly natured.  Girls are loving.  Girls are easier and more fun to dress. Girls are not mischievous.  Girls don't tear up their toys.  Girls are not rough on clothes.  Girls don't have to be tough.  Here's the argument against the girls.  Girls are sneaky. Girls can be so mean to each other.  Girls gossip.  Girls can get bad reputations with one mistake.  Girls hold grudges.  Girls are moody.  Girls are complex.  Girls have to have their hair done. Girls start drama.

Then there is the argument for the boys.  Boys love their moms.  Boys are loving.  Boys are what they are.  Boys don't get caught up in drama. Boys can have an argument with their buddy, punch each other in the eye and 5 minutes later they are playing basketball.  Boys are simple humans.  Boys don't have to have their hair done. Here is the argument against the boys.  Boys are rough and tumble.  Boys are moody when they are going through puberty.  Boys make messes.  Boys are more active than girls. Boys are rough on their clothes and shoes.  Boys have tempers. Boys are much less fun to dress.

Okay, so I only have a boy but I am a girl and I know people who have girls.  I love these little girls but I swear my son is easy!!  He is loving and sweet.  He doesn't tear up things.  He never wrote on the walls or acted like a bull in a china shop.  He has a pretty darn great attitude about life.  He has empathy for other people.  Maybe he is the exception to the rule.  I don't know??  One thing that I do know for sure is that I only have to worry about ONE PENIS.  If I had a girl, I would have to worry about ALL OF THEM!!!  That alone makes me thank God above that I have a boy!!  I love girls, don't get me wrong.  I am one, for Pete's sake!! When I was pregnant, I wanted a boy.  I cried tears of joy when they did my ultrasound and said that I was having a boy.  Most women probably want a girl. Not me.  That whole having to worry about more than one penis did me in!!

Lesson #15,133-Children and The Elderly Are Allowed To Be 100% Honest

Okay, so I think that the only people who are allowed to be 100% honest and get away with it are children and the elderly.  If a child points out a flaw in another person or something unusual, it can be excused.  We forgive them because they are cute.  They can get away with telling Santa Claus that he has bad breath.  A child can tell someone that they are smelly or fat or mean or anything else and we can forgive them because they have no filter!  That whole empathy thing hasn't hit them yet. 
 
There are other people who can say whatever they are thinking and that is the elderly.  Now they have that empathy thing built in but for some reason we can forgive them by discounting their opinions because they are "old fashioned" or "senile".  Maybe they are those things but the truth is that they just don't care and we can just forgive their "honesty" because they are also cute!  Really??  I don't think so.  My grandmother has always been the sweetest woman on the planet but she is 97-years old and if you have gained .3 of an ounce, honey she will notice.  Then she will point it out to you.  In her sweet little grandma voice though. I wear my Spanx when I go and see Grandma!!  She don't play!!

Being 4'11", I could pass for a child but my gray hair would betray me.  I could pass for elderly and say that I have had a lot of work done!!  That's it!!!  Next time I say something stupid, which I do very often, I am going to say that I am elderly and sometimes things slip out without my knowing!!  Can I get away with it?  I guess you will know if you see me with a black eye or bloody nose the next time you see me.  Wish me luck!!

Lesson #15,132-Are Children Happier Than Adults?

Okay, so I have been thinking about why children seem so happy.  For the most part, they are happy people.  I mean they get angry, sad and scared just like adults do but they seem to get over negative emotions more quickly than adults do.

Could it be because children get to play with toys?  I mean toys are very distracting.  Even a very mad baby will sometimes stop crying when they hear a rattling toy.  Maybe adults need distractions to keep us happy.  You thought I was going to say adults need toys, didn't you?  Actually, some adults do have toys!! (Not those toys!)  I mean motorcycles!!  4-wheelers!!  Golf clubs!!  I am positive that I have never seen an adult crying on a motorcycle, 4-wheeler or with a golf club in their hand.  Maybe we all need to find a toy that makes us happy!

Could it be because children aren't jaded by life.  When children are small, they don't care what color a playmate is.  They don't care if the child is chubby or skinny, short or tall, rich or poor.  Anyone who will play is just fine with them.  They don't care if they are dirty.  They don't care if they have clean clothes on.  They don't know if they are wearing designer clothing. They hold no prejudices.  They don't know about social status.  Adults could learn a thing or two from this.

Could it be because they have short attention spans?  They can be crying and angry and a few minutes later they are laughing and seem to have not a care in the world.  If we all could forget our troubles as quickly as children do, we would be happier people.  Maybe it is because children take naps!! Everyone should take occasional naps!!

Could it be because children like colorful things?  If you look around my house, you will see a lot of drab colors that we call "neutrals".  If you look at my clothing, you will see a lot of black and gray.  I have a spot of orange, green and blue here and there but mostly drab colors.  If you look at my sons closet, there are very colorful shirts in his stack.  Green, orange, blue, yellow, red, lots and lots of red!!  Maybe I should wear more colors!!  Also his bedroom and playroom has colorful items on the walls.  Maybe I should hang colorful items on the walls all over the house.  Then maybe we would all be happier people.

Could it be the obvious?  Children don't worry about money.  Mom and/or Dad pays the bills.  If the power is turned off, they don't care.  They love playing with flashlights! If the rent isn't paid, they get to move into a new room.  They get excited about that!!  If someone else would pay our bills, maybe we would be happier.  Okay, yes, we would be happier people.

Let's all agree to find a toy to play with, not be so judgmental, forget about our troubles, be more colorful and find someone to pay our bills!!  Okay, maybe we have to pay our own bills but maybe we should take the other lessons from children and relax and enjoy life and we will find more happiness.

Lesson #15,131-Friends Are Like Shoes

Okay, so we all have shoes.  Some shoes we love more than others.  Some shoes we save for special occasions.  Some shoes we wear every day.  Some shoes are always in the floor for you to trip over.  Same thing with friends!! Right?  Let me explain.

Some shoes are like high heels.  They look really pretty.  They tempt you and tell you that you "NEED" them.  Then when you wear them, they make you uncomfortable.  They hurt you.  They leave scars!!

Then there are your favorite pair of tennis shoes.  They are a little more comfortable.  You can't wear them everywhere because they don't go with everything.  They really are good shoes but they just can't be there with you all the time.

And then we come to the best shoes EVER!!  Yep, flip flops.  Your favorite pair.  You wear them all of the time.  They are comfortable and they are there for you all of the time.  You can wear them anytime with anything.  Flip flops can be worn with a dress, jeans, shorts and even pajamas!!  They are better than your dirty old bedroom shoes!!  Flip flops don't care what you wear.  Flip flops just go with the flow.  They make you more relaxed.  You don't have a care in the world with your flip flops especially on the beach!! 

So, you see what I mean?  Some shoes look great and make you feel bad.  Those are your "Not-so-good" Friends.  Some shoes are pretty darn good shoes but you don't need them all of the time and they certainly don't need to be worn all of the time.  Those are your "Good" Friends.  Then there are the good ole flip flops that are good and worn in and fun and carefree and comfortable.  Those are your "Best" Friends.

Go and be a flip flop to someone today!!

Lesson #15,130-What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (And other sayings that are BS!)

Okay, so we have all heard those inspirational sayings that go something like this:  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  What a load of crap!  If it almost kills you, it probably weakens you!!  If you are sad and weak, you start to feed your pain.  When you feed your pain, you gain weight.  So after your trauma, you cry, get depressed, eat too much chocolate and ice cream and gain a few pounds.  Then you feel worse about yourself and get even more depressed.  You get the picture, right?
(HUH??)

There is another saying that just pisses me off.  The one that goes like this.  No pain, no gain.  Actually, it is a pain to lose, not to gain!!  It is fun and delicious to gain.  It's a pain to have to diet, count calories and exercise.  So that saying is stupid too!!
(Yet another dumb quote!)

Another saying that drives me nuts is "It's never too late".  Well.  Yes it is.  Sometimes it is just way too late.  When someone is pale faced and has blue lips, it's too late!!  What about "Be the change you want to see in the world".  Well I can be as nice as I can but some people will always be jerks!  It seems to piss them off even worse if you are nicer to them.  Some rude people even roll their eyes and walk away when you are nice to them.  If you chase them down and are really, really nice to them, they call for security.  Geez, what is the problem??
(If you've been turned down 1,000 times your idea probably sucks)

"Success doesn't happen overnight".  Sometimes it does!!  Sometimes you win the lottery at night and by morning you are a millionaire!!  One day you can't pay your Visa bill and the next you can max that bad boy out and pay it off when you receive that giant check!!  "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted".  Well, sometimes it is.  Gave a homeless person a penny and he threw it back at me and it rolled into a grate that led to the sewer.  Totally wasted a perfectly good penny!!
(Oh shut up!!)

"Be strong.  You never know who you are inspiring".  If they are inspired by me then they are serious losers!  I mean really.  Who wants to be me?  Some days I don't even shower!  It takes me 2 days to fold a load of laundry.  If you want me to inspire you to workout, I can give you someone else's phone number.  I don't care if you workout or not.  As a matter of fact, if you could help me think of an excuse not to go today, that would be great!!
(What if nobody loves me?)

"Look on the bright side".  Well if I wanted to look on the damn bright side, I would not be bitching about the not-so-bright side.  Just go with it!  I want to have a damn pity party for 24 hours and then we can look at the bright side.  Okay??  "Let it be".  Let it be??  I want to go whip somebody's ass!!  You coming?
(No.)

"A goal without a plan is just a dream".  No shit but I really want to be the first 4'11" Rockette who has never taken tap dancing lessons before.  Shut up!!  It is MY goal!!  "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly".  Yeah, well, at least the butterfly could fly!!  That is my other goal.  My favorite inspirational quote is this one:  "Bad decisions make great stories"!!!  I have some great stories!!

Lesson #15,129-Crap I Wish I Wouldn't Have Done

Okay, so since having a child there have been many, many mistakes made.  I have done some crazy stuff.  Mostly because I was sleep deprived and didn't have one more ounce of strength to do one more thing for one more person that day.  There have been a few things that I have done that I am not proud of.  I have thrown a towel over peed on sheets before.  I have thrown a towel over vomited on sheets before.  YES, they were washed the next morning but I just didn't have the strength or energy to take them off of the bed and put them in the washer that night.  Of course, the kid was changed and wiped off with a wet wipe but the bedding wasn't of my concern at 3am!!  Don't you judge me!!

If you are like me, you have done your child's homework before.  The kid was taking hours to do 5 friggin' problems!!  He had almost pulled out every hair from his head.  He had shed 4,000 tears.  The kid just wasn't getting it!  We were on about hour 6 of homework and again I needed my sleep.  I took the pencil from him, sent him to bed and wrote in my most horrible handwriting the answers to the questions.  Don't you judge me!!

I have lied to this kid about so many things that I cannot even keep track of my lies.  I will not even start with the obvious, Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and The Easter Bunny.  There are the lies that have been told about what ingredients are in foods.  This kid has thought that squid was just chewy chicken.  Come to think of it, my son has eaten many dishes that he thought was chicken that turned out to be something completely different.  Only after he had eaten them was he informed about the pseudo chicken. Until you have an extremely picky eater, don't you judge me!!  Then there are lies about what we are going to do that day.  When my son was little, he was a bit of a frady cat.  He was always afraid to try new things.  I would tell him that we were going to go do something that he has tried before and then we would do something else.  He would usually cry and scream and hang on tight but ended up enjoying whatever we were really doing.  Until you have a child who is a frady cat, don't you judge me!!

The thing that I am least proud of as a parent is when my son was about to turn 10-years old, he would sneak into the bedroom and climb in bed with me.  Of course, he would wake me up!!  Have you ever known a 9-year old who could sneak anywhere??  Anyway, he had woken me up for about the 15th night in a row and I told him that "if his friends ever found out that he was still sleeping with his mommy that they would make fun of him". Oh.  My.  Gosh.  The poor child burst into tears and wouldn't speak to me for a day.  Oh, I felt so bad!!  It was true though.  He would probably still sneak into my room if I hadn't made him think of that. Don't you judge me!!  I needed my sleep!!!